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Baby involved. posted: 06/03/13 at 2:06 PM
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Hello,
I met my bf online a bit more than 6 years ago. We have a great relationships , it just got very focused on the baby since his birth (he is 2 now). I'm 40, he's 41.
We did not plan for a baby, but when I got pregnant we decided to keep him. Please no further lectures about
safe sex or such , I know .
We currently don't have plans for either of us to move as the job market is so bad, and I'm still a student. He lives in Europe, and I in the U.S.
I actually moved here 13 years a while after my parents did, though reluctantly because I don't like living here, but I made a promise to my mom several years ago that I would never move and leave her behind, as she barely knows anyone here except for my dad and their marriage is broken and they don't even have money to live separately. So I can't move. My bf has a lot of family members that he doesn't want to leave behind either.
Now he expects me to visit him twice a year for 6 months and stay with him. As I study online this is possible, but the isolation makes me very depressed as I only know his family there and I have social anxiety.
Right now I'm not even sure I want to continue the relationship anymore due to this and just in general it feels a bit "blah". So if we ever break up how would he see his son and our son see him , without me being involved? It would not be possible  Any advice?
Thanks.
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posted: 06/03/13 at 4:09 PM
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So nothing has changed since you posted a year ago.
You both do not want to put your child on top of your priority list.
But it is what it is so here is my advice.
Break up, this is not a relationship and he is not being a father figure for your child. Find yourself a nice local man that will make you happy and be a good positive father figure in the life of your son.
As for your bf in Europe let him deal with seeing his son. You really think if your son sees his father 2 times a year it's going to have an impact on his life? Nah. When your son is older and wants to renew with his biological father he'll do so.
I hope you find a good man that will be willing to make you and your son a priority. A home with a loving father figure is what your son needs, a man present in your life is what you need. This man in Europe is none of that and will never be.
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posted: 06/03/13 at 4:31 PM
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I have to agree with Gail.
This is not a relationship. Neither of you are willing to move, and you both have your reasons for that... it's a shame you didn't work it all out before bringing a child into this, but can't turn back the clock now.
It's time for you both to go your separate ways. You'll find someone else local who can be a father-figure for your son. His father... well, if he wants to keep in touch, then he can write letters, phone, skype with your son when he's a bit older, or save up some money and come and visit when he can. Other parents do it.
But the situation as it is now is no good for anyone. Just end it so you can both move on.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 06/03/13 at 11:15 PM
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Regardless of the status of your relationship with this man, that should have no bearing on the relationship between father and son. He is the biological father and save for moving, has shown interest in being involved in his son's life so that's a moot point. He can still visit but stay in a hotel or short term rental apt/flat and spend time with his son.
Whatever you do, try to end the relationship on an amicable note, so as not to negatively impact the parental relationship that exists between you both. Every child deserves to have a relationship with their father.
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Sometimes you have to lose it all to find your way
Worry is the dark room where negatives develop! Focus on the positives...
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posted: 06/03/13 at 11:53 PM
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| I just don't think 2 months a year is enough for my son to see his dad. He misses him everyday because he mumbles his name repeatedly and either is then sad or excited. It's not that easy to just break up. I do love him still, but yes there are doubts because I don't feel like enough of a priority, or his son even.
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posted: 06/04/13 at 12:40 AM
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| Well, no, 2 months a year is not enough. Are you prepared to move closer, so that your son can build a better relationship with his dad? Because realistically speaking, that's all you can do.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 06/04/13 at 1:14 AM
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Look at your alternatives:
1. You move there, you make the sacrifice your bf is unable to make, you be with the man you love, your son gets his dad, and you live as a family
2. You keep the status Quo, you stay in the US, him over there, and your son keeps on having the type of contact he already has with his father. You keep being in a dead-end relationship with a man you see once a year. You don't move on with your life and by the same your son does not get to move on either. Even if your child's father is away, your child deserves to have a normal childhood where he is not reminded each day daddy is an ocean away. As long as you stay in this relationship the way it is right now, both your life will evolved around this man oversea.
3. You end the relationship. You move on with your life, offer yourself and your son a normal family life, and your son a father figure. You get to stay close to your parents as you wish. Your son keeps on having with his dad the same contacts and visits as he has right now. Your life evolves around family activities, friends and family and not so much about this absent father.
Your son won't be the first little boy to grow up with his real dad living away. It's how you manage it that is important.
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