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How long do you wait to date after separation?  posted: 03/27/06 at 8:32 PM
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I have been separated for ten months from a man, that has done nothing but cheat and lie for 14 years, He has slept with his ex wife, -left me for another women, while pregnant for our child, has been sued for sexual harassment on the job, has been caught Nemours time, having cyber sex. on web cam , He has been caught, listing him self, on dating sites. Went after his boss’s wife, for sex, and other clients that he is working with, within two weeks of separation he had one of his cyber girls spending the night, he even put her on the phone when I called his place at 1 in the morning. among others. But in his eyes, he has done nothing wrong.
I am just suppose to forgive and forget, But it’s not happening this time, enough is enough,
But here is the problem, he is now following me around, I haven’t been seeing anyone all this time we have been separated, nor did I ever step out on him, we were together. He claims he is trying to kill himself; and so on…He said he can’t stand the thought of me being with someone else. But he is seeing people.
In this state, you can get a divorce in 6 months, the problem has been money, I don’t have it, to pay for a divorce, and he said he will fight it, I don’t see how.
I want to start to live again, I have met someone, recently, that I would like to start seeing…And am afraid if I keep turning him down, he will move on, and I may never have the chance to see if he is Mr. Right. Should I accept the dinner invitation, or stay locked up in this house till the Divorce is final,
My husband isn’t , he is living his live!!!!!!!!
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posted: 03/28/06 at 12:35 AM
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| My honest opinion is you can't start something with anyone and expect it to last unless you end the first relationship completely and take time to get your head straight.You need to find peace and happiness in your own life before you can be happy with someone else.You need to start a new relationship with your best you,not the you that is carrying around unresolved issues from a past relationship.Don't focus on what your ex is doing with his pathetic life,concentrate on moving on and healing your heart so you don't drag baggage into a new relationship where it will probably end up ruining what could be a good thing if you have your act together.
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posted: 03/28/06 at 1:38 AM
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I think justjess said it perfectly.
In the same token, it's not fair of your ex to be living his life while you sit at home.
I too am going thru a divorce...I've been separted since late 1997 early 1998....I was advised by a couple lawyers not to date b/c it could be considered cheating. My ex is living with and engaged to some woman. I don't care either.
First, I would not keep in contact with this man about your personal life. It's none of his business what you do. I would only talk to him regarding your child. If you do not live together, your soon to be ex doesn't have a right to know anything about your life now and he shouldn't be trying to run it.
If the marriage is honestly over for good, you need to try to do something about ending it. If you can't afford a lawyer, perhaps you can try to find some legal aid in your state?
Some lawyers have payment plans, but require a certain amount down.
Just b/c your ex is contesting the divorce doesn't mean the divorce won't happen. If you have any kind of proof that he cheated, that is grounds for divorce in most states.
Depending on your state, you can file yourself with the courts. Sometimes it's free and sometimes it will cost money.
There are also books at the library that can tell you how to do your own divorce.
As for the new guy, I'd explain to him that you are interested, but given the circumstances, you would like to wait. If he really likes you, he will understand.
You can also get a no contact/restraining order. So your ex doesn't follow you around.
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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong
~Due to the bad economy...the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off~
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posted: 03/28/06 at 5:04 AM
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To a degree, I agree with the other 2 posters BUT, on the fundamental issue or dating I disagree.
It doesn't sound to me like you have an issue with getting divorced or have anything that still clouds your judgement as to the marriage being over, the only problem is you don't have money for a divorce.
That said, the time difference between relationships and dating after divorce depend largely on how shocked you were to find out you were getting divorced and if you are emotionally strong enough to date, and most important, this time frame differs amongst people BECAUSE for example in your situaion, you probably found yourself leaving the marriage emotionally a long time ago, and have already healed and made peace within yourself.
That said, your husband threatens suicide, and is basically stalking you.
Go to legal aid as suggested for help with the divorce. Go to the police and get a protection order for yourself detailing his threat of suicide and places he has followed you. Then, approach an organization for abused woman in your area, and get help for your situation, he is trying to emotionally abuse you.
Then, as for the dating, I would instead of saying no when the man asks, suggest you meet him for coffee, during your lunch hour, (if that is possible) then say to him, it's not that you don't want to go, but your seperation is difficult and then without giving too many details ask him if he would prefer waiting until things are a little more settled or if he would like to go ahead with the date.
Then, if he wants to go ahead, knowing things are difficult for you, GO, you deserve some happiness as well.
Just make sure you have a protection order in place when you go out with him, so if there is any problem, you have covered your safety.
Good Luck
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Mylyyn276 posted: 03/28/06 at 2:57 PM
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After posting here yesterday, I found myself, pouring my heart out to a co-worker at my office, that I have become very good friends with, she hadn’t realized the things I had been going through, because, I felt it best to keep in low key.
She subjected that I contact the corporate lawyer that we deal with and that maybe he could be of some help, getting the divorce filed, help with a lower cost, and could answer a few questions.
First off, He said, I should have filed for divorce years ago, instead of staying in an abusive relationship. I didn’t realize that it was abusive…So, I had to agree, the feeling I had for this man, we chipped away on a daily basic, due to his actions. And all these years, I have lived in torment, and had been controlled. And am still allowing him to control me with his actions, and that has to stop.
Secondly, He stated, that there is no reason, why, I can’t have dinner with a friend, in a public place, Just don’t bring him home, or go to a motel, hotel etc.and if I would feel better, to go out with a group of friends and have him meet me there. And another thing he said, was being in sales, I have lunch and dinner with clients all the time, so what is the difference…treat it the same,
As to the cost, he will file the papers for me, and charge me, for court cost only. He said he will also have a restrain order put in place to keep me from being harassed from him, and get me the child support, of about 800 + , based on my husbands, 80,000+- a year salary to help support the child, rather then trying to make it on the 200.00 a month, that he is giving me. He also said that his giving me only 200 a month has been a control, issue because he knows that he has me strapped at trying to raise on child, on a limited income… We will see what happens.
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posted: 04/09/06 at 5:58 AM
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For myself, we separated in September 2004.
I had a couple of online relationships between then and now~only one of those two moved into reality, and that was only for two visits last summer before ending. My ex hubby didn't know about either one~I saw no point in telling him since neither guy was a real-life, in-town constant presence.
My sweetheart now is in England. My divorce is only weeks away from being finalized. Once it is done, then and only then will my babe step on the plane and come to me. No point in giving my ex any ammunition to screw the divorce up or drag it out any longer.
I'm eager to be done with it and move on with my life!
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Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you...
Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away...
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posted: 04/22/06 at 1:44 PM
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For the longest time my ex and I lived under the same roof. Because he was constantly out of a job, he couldn't afford to get his own place.
We both were dateing online.
He met his GF first.
After I returned meeting Robert, my ex approached me with a divorce request.
He then asked to borrrow money for an apt to move out.
(To me he'd never be back...yet to his idea he thought he'd have a bachelor pad free and clear till the money ran out.)
Reguardless, it's done. He's living with a woman he met online and I am married to the most wonderful man alive.
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~Some dreams are worth the risk in order to make them real~
Met online Fall 1999
Met in Real Life July 17 2002
Official Proposal May 9 2004
Married May 17 2005
We made it Robert. I love you, Carla
Last edited by ~Carla~ on 06/17/06 at 3:36 AM
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posted: 12/09/06 at 6:18 AM
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It takes as long as it takes.... 
Once you are free from the baggage in your own mind and can move on then its time. For me it was 6 months..but i had come to terms with the relationship ending about a year before that.
My ex went straight into the arms of the woman waiting in the wings.
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posted: 12/09/06 at 6:20 PM
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| I think it depends on how you feel. my bf and i started dating when his seperation started. We had been friends before that...and he'd been way past over his ex wife. She was horrible and he'd mourned the end of the relationship years before he met me, we were very fortunate because most relationships right after divorces don't last but ours has. Just take your time..get the divorce and get your life back in order then work on if you are ready good luck
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posted: 12/24/06 at 9:50 AM
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It depends on the people involved and the situation. In my case, I had doubts the day I said "I do" and never had a very strong romantic relationship with my husband, save maybe the first year or two that we dated. I had just accepted that that facet of marriage was just something I was going to have to do without, and I did for over 4 years. Over the summer, things got ugly. We were both unhappy and admitted that we were. He dropped the "D" bomb one day and of all the emotions I could feel, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I care about him, we have history together, but I have NO romantic feelings for him. I moved out in October. He says he regrets every day that he asked for a divorce and didn't mean it. Now he's clinging on for dear life though I don't do anything to give him false hope that I'll return.
I need to take the steps to make it official, but money and the fact that we're smack dab in the middle of holiday season has made me hold back--not to mention that I know he'll take it hard. I know I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still care about him as a person and don't want to cause him pain, even if it is inevitible. For me, personally, because I don't harbor romantic feelings for my husband, I don't see where dating would be a problem for me emotionally. I would hold off on an exclusive relationship until after officially divorced, though. If separating from my husband tore my heart out and I was grieving the loss of our marriage, then things would be different.
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How can i get over her tought posted: 08/24/08 at 4:13 PM
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my wife of 12 year, did exactly what this man did. i caught her with text messages to several men and when confronted she beged for forgiveness. But unknown to me was that she was also going out with my kids school bus driver.
Last year when i travelled out of my count to take up a job in another country. she changed her mobile number, packed out of the house with two of my kids the middle and the last one leaving the first alone in the house.
funny enough she moved in with the driver. when i confronted her she told me via txt mssg that she has found happiness in the arm of the diver.
honestly i have being carring this load with me. i have tried several times to shake it off to enable me move on but its just not easy considering the fact that i was the one who trained her up to university level. such a huge financial loss.
The implication of this is that I now find it difficult to trust any woman as i see them as cheat. I tried to initiate a relationship through the internet but iam still hunt by the fear.
what do i do.
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posted: 08/28/08 at 3:01 AM
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| oh my gosh girl! please do yourself a favor and start dating. be as sweet to yourself as possible. romance yourself, buy yourself flowers, write "you are beautiful" on your bathroom mirror, go get a massage, kiss your shoulders, buy nice sheets, and let a man adore you. you have been through so much i can't even believe it. it's not about morality anymore...your ex has blown that to dust.
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posted: 08/28/08 at 3:05 AM
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| fyi-i just read the other posts. i think you can "get yourself together" and date at the same time. just be sweet to yourself...don't make any commitments unless you feel it in the purity of your heart to do so. life is to short. you can't put a time constraint on healing. what took 14 years to realize can be realized in one second, and that's it...you got the lesson, you know what i mean?
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posted: 10/20/08 at 3:44 PM
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I started dating quite soon after I separated with my ex-husband.....and why not? Just because the papers hadn't been signed, didn't mean the relationship wasn't over. Believe me- it was OVER.
I'd even go so far as to tell the OP not to worry about divorce proceedings if she can't afford it. Does it matter if you are still married on paper, if your heart has already let go??
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Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused by you...
who am I to disagree? Sweet dreams are made of these.....
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