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White and Asian  posted: 05/02/05 at 2:17 AM
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I'm not in a relationship with this person, but I didn't know where else to write about this. I'm really confused, and I'm sorry if this was the incorrect spot.
I grew up in a semi-racist home. I'm white and my parents aren't racist enough to actually physically harm someone, or anything like that.. but in our home slurs are said and so fourth.
Growing up like this, I have tried to fight becoming racist myself. However, things got bad when my current boyfriend told me Asian women were his favorite type of girl and well, I'm not Asian. So, already hearing bad things about Asians I developed a certain level of hate for them.. due to my boyfriend liking them, and me already being extremely jealous.
Now my boyfriend says he isn't attracted to them and I believe him becuz that was some time ago.. before we really even knew each other. Still, I have these feelings about them.. whenever someone mentions something Asian I get cold inside.. anything made in China I refuse to the best of my ability to not accept. I even found myself saying very harsh things about people who were Asian.
I recently joined a site where it's nation wide.. people from many different countries. Usually I stick to places where people are generally from America, but the site looked promising. I met a girl there who is 19 and we had so much in common, relationship wise and individually. I enjoy talking to her very much, and the friendship we have made means a lot to me.
I even have found myself thinking about her offline as well ((not sexually of course)) and I have mentioned her to my boyfriend as well.
I'm really confused now.. I don't want her to hate me becuz of how I feel towards Asians.. or does this mean I'm not racist? I couldn't imagine losing her as a friend, even tho we just recently met. She understands me better then anyone I know ((cept my boyfriend)) and I'm scared that she will not want anything to do with me if she finds out what I have said about Asians.
I don't know what to do, or where to go from here. It's funny.. I used to say things about Asians, and now I am scared to lose one as a friend..
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Married.
09.04.07
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posted: 05/02/05 at 2:48 AM
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Well thats pretty sad and shallow if you ask me. I mean personally, my boyfriend is white and I am multi-racial. My boyfriend said in the beginning of our relationship "wow I always pictured the woman of my dreams would be Italian, but you're not". Ouch!..(kinda) aha. But, I didn't end up growing a huge hatred towards Italian women because of that. Many, MANY of my friends are Italian, female and male.
What I'm confused about though is that you say that you have this disrespect for Asians (because you do) but in your very last sentence you wrote, you said you USED to say things about Asians. Are you telling me that your views are changed? Are you working to be a changed person? If so, and if she is a true friend she will totally understand and respect you because you want to change.
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Love is a very fragile flower. It has to be protected, it has to be watered.
The poison of possessiveness and jealousy destroys love. 4/27/04
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posted: 05/02/05 at 3:00 AM
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I said I USED to say things about Asians, becuz since I have met her I do not say anything bad about Asians. I do not think of her as an "Asian". I think of her as my friend.. I do not see a color with her. That's why I said I was confused becuz my feelings are changing.
It may be sad and shallow, but I'm willing to work on this and improve myself. I think that says a lot.. I could just sit here and bad mouth Asians and not care. But I do care, she's important to me. I want to change, and better myself.. she's a good person and I feel like crap for ever saying anything bad about Asians that would hurt her in the first place.
I got other advice on this.. advice that helped. I think I will listen to it.
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Married.
09.04.07
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posted: 05/02/05 at 3:17 AM
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Woah,I think you blew what I said out of proportion.
Don't be a B man, I'm really not in the mood... Really.
Anyways, just tell her how you feel, and like I said if you really want to change and in your heart you feel like you need to change, just tell her...because she could definitely help you. Tell her about your family, be honest with her because thats how friends are. Its good that you are young and expanding your horizions. At least you see that there is something extremely wrong with being racist. *cough*
Ps: If you would've read my whole entire post instead of jumping to conclusions after the first paragraph you would've seen that I did notice you said you "USED" to have feelings like that.  Good day.
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Love is a very fragile flower. It has to be protected, it has to be watered.
The poison of possessiveness and jealousy destroys love. 4/27/04
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posted: 05/02/05 at 6:42 AM
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Hey softncuddly! I have a cousin who went through something similar, but the only thing is that she never grew up around racism! She had diverse friendships when she was growing up and never had any type of hatred toward any group.
It wasn't until a boyfriend of hers whom she loved very much left her for a white girl when she was about 21 or 22! She then gradually became bitter and cut off her white female friends. She got to the point that she couldn't even look at a white girl without thinking horrible racist things about them. She would lose her appetite at the sight of one for a long time. All of this was because of a jealous hatred toward them (this is the ugliest kind). I know this happened because she was really in love with her boyfriend, but her conceit and outspoken ways turned him off in the end. She is the type that always wants to be right and she can tend to make a man feel less of one and that's a turn off, I'm sorry! At a young age she got a pharmaceutical job making close to 6 figures and she would travel often.... without him! This white girl was a friend turned girlfriend. This is what happens when a man is neglected and this is what happened in this case! She herself looks half white, and she almost wants to attack a person that asks if indeed she is biracial! It's a disease that she has now and that's what I told her that it is. She has to work that out on her own, it's her own insecurity and jealousy that has done this to her! Basically what I'm telling you is that your racism and insecurity that you have towards Asian people, you need to get over in your own way! By you meeting this girl and seeing that you have so much in common with her and seeing that she is someone of a race that you once despised, really has made you look at yourself and shown how you were wrong in the first place and how stupid it was to possess those feelings. I know where it comes from and it's natural for something like that to happen when you have strong feelings for someone. It might feel like a rejection, but that's where you have to know what your good points are and celebrate what you're all about! You have to get a grip! Also he is very insensitive to bring something like that up to you in the first place. Maybe he is playing mental games with you to strike some chords. Insecure men usually do this!
Anyways, you don't have to bring up a past to this new found friend! Past is past, learn from it why bring it up, I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about all of the racist thoughts that you once had. Why ruin a good thing, you get me?? As for my cousin, she is hard headed and just bitter and I feel sorry for her.
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http://www.blujay.com/virtualmakeover
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posted: 05/02/05 at 8:53 PM
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It's hard for me to admit this, but I do understand where you'r coming from...although I think I can honestly say, I never professed to dislike any particular group — Asians most especially, since most of the men I've dated in my life have been Asian.....but I do find myself being uncomfortable around Asian women...
Why? Pure, unmitigated jealousy.
I'm a tall, chubby, bulky, butch blonde ..... and I feel like a total hippo around women who are tiny, delicate and feminine....(and this includes ALL of my sweetie's female relatives! His sister barely comes up to my chest!) And, like most of us, I feel the urge to avoid situations that make my insecuries leap to the foreground....
I've also been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty comments from Asian women— whether friends or family of men I've dated, so adding that to my already present insecurities...*sigh*...I do find myself often uncomfortable in the presence of Asian women. Although, like you there have been specific people who have overcome that timidity on my part...
Nana...one of THE most tiny, delicate women I've ever known is also an amazingly progeressive thinker, radical feminst and globetrotter. And she always ges out of her way to MAKE me feel comfortable as a woman and as a sister in the global sense....
Trish, who's one of THE most *feminine* women I've ever known also has a streak of mischief like an evil sprite and a mouth like a trucker...LOL....she's got enough personality to let me and my physical bulk slide into the background....
Does the presence of these two women in my life make me any more comfortable when meeting AF for the first time? No, not really. But I'm very, very glad they're a part of my life...
However, as I said before, I've never been in a situation where any kind of racist tought pattern was even remotely acceptable....so, I never had any kind of familial acceptance or reinforcement of my insecurities to turn it into the kind of racism you're expressing...
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Sing's Blue Eyes
http://photos.yahoo.com/singblueeyes
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posted: 05/03/05 at 12:13 AM
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Don't be a racist.
Recognized it for what it is - unfair and wrong - and stop doing it.
It wouldn't hurt for you to take a trip to asia some day and meet some folks - as you are finding out, it is harder to hate a group of people when you like some of them.
Shame on your parents. Don't be like them.
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Sue me
Last edited by Chone on 05/03/05 at 10:27 PM
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posted: 05/03/05 at 2:55 AM
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Shay311 - If you can't handle helping me in a nice, respectful way, then plez do not comment to my posts. I did read all of your post, and I wasn't jumping to conclusions. I was stating what I had to say back to you. I got advice from someone who I think was in fact Asian, and she helped me a lot. If you aren't in the mood to be helpful, you really aren't needed here.
Meowmix - Thank you so much for your comment. I do see myself in your cousin.. I believe it was my jealousy and insecurities which lead me to racisim. Now that I am a friend of someone who I once used to hate, I feel like I connect better with her then anyone "white" friend I have. She teaches me something new everyday and we actually just talked about her upbringing and Korea. I was very interested to learn about it, and how her home was, and why she was brought into the states.
Singblueeyes - Thank you for telling me about your experiences. I could relate to things you were saying.. about how you felt uncomfortable, to where you have Asian friends. I am young.. 16, and like I said, I live in a home where things are kinda set in stone. I haven't told my parents of my friend, nor do I think I will for a bit. I do believe that with this, I can change. I feel like I already am.. when talking to my friend yesterday about Korea, I didn't even think one bad thought about it.. and for me, that's progress.
Chone - I don't think I'm ready to set sail to Asia right now.. I'm still in a process. It wouldn't be a bad idea, but for sometime in the future. I do not think my parents views make them bad people [not saying you said that.. I don't want anymore people getting upset] however, I do wish they let me choose for myself. Just yesterday my Mother was teasing me.. telling me my boyfriend would leave me for an Asian.. I asked her to stop but she wouldn't. She just kept going.. I felt a little fire of hatred growing, but I stopped it.. I thought of my friend, and how she would never do something like that to me. So I just blocked my Mom out. It's hard trying to change when you live in a house like mine..
I did tell my friend about my dislike of Asians. She completely understood and was scared I wouldn't want to talk to her anymore.. but that was not at all the case. She was very sweet about it, and even admitted to me she was jealous of white girls. I feel even more connected with her now.
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Married.
09.04.07
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posted: 05/03/05 at 4:28 AM
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"Shay311 - If you can't handle helping me in a nice, respectful way, then plez do not comment to my posts. I did read all of your post, and I wasn't jumping to conclusions. I was stating what I had to say back to you. I got advice from someone who I think was in fact Asian, and she helped me a lot. If you aren't in the mood to be helpful, you really aren't needed here."
What was so disrepsectful from my first initial post from the beginning?! Let me quote the bottom half:
[QUOTE]What I'm confused about though is that you say that you have this disrespect for Asians (because you do) but in your very last sentence you wrote, you said you USED to say things about Asians. Are you telling me that your views are changed? Are you working to be a changed person?If so, and if she is a true friend she will totally understand and respect you because you want to change.[/ [QUOTE]
I stated that I thought your initial action of being racist that was undoubtedly, directly affected by what your boyfriend was shallow and simple-minded. BUT THEN, I stated that IF you are trying to change, then good for you. She can help you in a good way. Man chill out and read what my initial words for what they were intended to be. I don't understand why you are flipping out, lol.
And look, my conclusion came true. You told your friend and now she is being sympathetic. Obviously she is a true, and good friend. Good for you and her. Thats one less racist in the world thanks to your maturity.
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Love is a very fragile flower. It has to be protected, it has to be watered.
The poison of possessiveness and jealousy destroys love. 4/27/04
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posted: 05/03/05 at 1:40 PM
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quote:
I don't think I'm ready to set sail to Asia right now.
I wouldn't recommend you come to Aussie either. My god, interracial dating here is SO common, most especially among Whites and Asians But it's not even an issue here (well, from what I've seen) As a result there are PLENTY of half aussies/asians everywhere! And I gotta say, they're a VERY HOT mix
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*Believe that you can deal with things as they evolve, because you can*
Spain - Australia
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posted: 05/03/05 at 4:13 PM
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"Just yesterday my Mother was teasing me.. telling me my boyfriend would leave me for an Asian.. I asked her to stop but she wouldn't. She just kept going.."
Soft n' cuddly..you have to really dig in and deal with your insecurity because that's the basic issue. If your boyfriend takes a look at another woman who is White, or a woman who is Asian, or Black, or whatever...your feelings of self worth are going to dictate how you react to that, how you feel about yourself as a result of that. There are people that I know who talk openly with their spouses about other individuals that they find attractive, they are able to do this because of the security in their relationship collectively and individually. Your guy sounds like an honest guy, you want that out of him. You want a man who will tell you what they think and not hide. He chose you as a partner but I think that perhaps because you think that you look so different from perhaps an Asian woman that you can't imagine his attraction to you and Asian women. I am married to a Black man but have always found White men attractive. This doesn't mean that I don't find my husband attractive or don't love him, I love him and there is not man alive that I would leave him for but I do find some men who don't look like him attractive. You want that kind of honesty in a relationship, you want your partner to feel comfortable talking about what he likes and doesn't like and not feeling like he has to hide from you because the hiding might make you feel secure but is not based on reality. So, work on this thing inside of you, look at Asian women and find the beauty that your guy sees and feel comfortable with the beauty that you are...that's the only way you're gonna work this out for any relationships that you will have...and oh yeah...sometimes you really have to turn a deaf ear to your parents..insecurities develop inside of people generally because their parents are insecure and translate this into their kids, usually unwittingly...older does not mean wiser and you have to ignore your loving mom and start building your self esteem.
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posted: 05/03/05 at 4:35 PM
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"Chica guapa", you're being a beotch with your comment! Soft n cuddly needs support, that is why she started this topic! Not someone who is just going to add fuel to the fire! You are simple minded to even write what you did, just trying to increase soft n cuddlys hatred and insecurities towards Asians. Where did she say that she even wanted to go to "Aussie???" This is how I know that you're just being spiteful!
Shame Shame and GROW UP!
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http://www.blujay.com/virtualmakeover
Last edited by meowmix on 05/03/05 at 4:41 PM
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posted: 05/03/05 at 10:41 PM
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I was going to chastise Shay and Cuddly for one of the lamest displays of girl on girl fighting I've seen in a while (and this from a HUGE fan of girl on girl fighting), but then we get Meow jumping in with a wild haymaker that catches Chica completely unaware after what she must have thought was a happy and heartwarming post complete with smileys... little did Chica know she was involved, but now it's on... who's next? Cuddly to tackly Shay? Chica to swing back? Meow to realize she kind of over reacted and try to sooth Chica? Maybe she gets pissed at the announcer for butting in?
Whatever you all do don't attack the poor announcer...
Mud everywhere, four frisky women ripping at each other's bikini's (work with me)...
Please don't let me interrupt!
Get back to work, girls!!!
For the record, Breezy, you didn't even TOUCH anyone. What kind of mud wrestler are you?
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Sue me
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posted: 05/03/05 at 10:51 PM
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Chone obviously you haven't read the initial post that soft n cuddly wrote! What is her problem? What is she trying to over come? Read it thoroughly and then read Chicas post!! Girls can be catty and sarcastic and put smiles to lighten up the mood! If you are a man than you probably can't see what I'm talking about! Soft n cuddly wants advice on what to do about her hatred towards Asians and what to do about possibly losing her new found friend! Why does she want to hear about Austraila and all of the white and asian interracial couples after her hatred has increased after hearing her boyfriend tell her that Asian females are his favorite type! She didn't ask about mixing, she is asking how to overcome her racism towards specifically Asians. She never even said that she wanted to go to Australia. Sometimes women have a way of saying things to get under another persons skin in the ... kindest ...way!
Stop being an instigator Chone!
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http://www.blujay.com/virtualmakeover
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posted: 05/03/05 at 11:52 PM
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Meowmix,
You are right - I don't see it. I understand the f you of it all, the "you don't like asians, well I do and they're everywhere around here" of it, but I don't think that is out of place on this board. Chica's comments are directed at all of us, I believe.
You are completely right about the guy not seeing, or ignoring, the attack. This happens all the time in my real life too (I instigate there too).
I am thrilled that you all are getting catty with each other - I'm hoping that you all will inadvertantly go breast to breast or something. Now that's a catfight.
And I'll do all the instigating around here, Calvin, thank you very much. And stop using my picture for your avatar?
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Sue me
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posted: 05/03/05 at 11:58 PM
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Is this what they call a thread jack?
My bad, Cuddly.
I think we all feel the same way, with varying degrees of sympathy - good luck in your internal struggle against racism.
You know what is right. Don't be like your parents on this one.
I'm sure they are good people when they are not being racist.
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Sue me
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posted: 05/04/05 at 7:41 AM
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Chone you are a psycho..really..but who can help but follow your every move..if you had Calvin's body you would undoubtedly hurt yourself..a gorgeous psychopath is a bigger threat indeed. As usual I'm on the side lines in the fight...never actually in the game..what is that?..I probably need to deal with my inability to be confrontational.....hmm...but go girls..it's always fun to watch a scrap but if some of the mud hits me it's on...I'm in..hold my earrings..head down...arms flying...eyes closed..
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posted: 05/04/05 at 11:49 AM
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I'm guessing here... if we went tag teams the obvious choices would shape to be SnC + MeowMx, Shay + Chica. I know That Shay works out but it's too hard to call!
Anyway, I think going to Asia (China anyways) will not help in your quest to eradicate your racist tendencies. It's a ball made of different wax over here. Anyone grappling with racism to begin with will just dry up and get completely blown away... Your Korean friend seems to be ONE of the exceptions to their tradition minded folk and is reaching out to explore something different. Possibly fair to employ the age old term: One in a Million!
I'm in no way trying to talk you into staying or re-becomming a racist. The world needs less of that, but if you come over here you have to be ready to put your guard up and walk steadfastly clinging to you western sense of things all the while seeing, acknowledging, dealing with and accepting their ways because it's their ball game and if you can't juggle both you'll definitely come away from your visit worse off. Maybe not so much if you're on a tourist deal and barely leave the bus but if you force yourself to live here...
I put up with it for many reasons all selfish. There is business opty here, and I feel that I will have a tangible advantage gained from experiencing Chinese culture and business practices in this ever shrinking world. And I think it is much more interestesting ableit frustating as I mentioned to live here as opposed to what I consider a boring existence in America. But I came here with Int'l experience and an avid interest in International Relations and/or Polical Science.
Asian Americans on the other hand, completely different breed of folks. But back to your racist tendencies. People are just so very different, no better or worse and infact share base emotional manifestations. It's the HOW these emotions become manifest that is so different. blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah BLAH! I could go on for hours, days, weeks. "Somebody STOP me..."
I don't think I touched upon anything relevant to the OP... Doh!
Ah well... back to the tag team for me! Go Chica!
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Rappidy tappidy zap bap bitssssss... (beat of my own drum).
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