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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > I let my jealousy get the best of me
I let my jealousy get the best of me posted: 06/20/13 at 12:49 PM
tiger20  [more]
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So I have been single for a really long time. I go out on a lot of dates with guys I meet from an online dating site. So far I haven't met anyone I clicked with yet. Its either been they liked me & I wasn't feeling it...or I liked them & they weren't feeling me. No matches yet.

I recently met a guy that I really liked and he really liked me. It felt like finally it was a match. We were both excited about seeing each other. I found out we both had a mutual friend. He was friends with one of my close girlfriends in college. This made me a little hesitant because I know my friend & guys she usually calls "friends" are guys that like her that she brushes off as "friends". I wondered if he had a thing for her when they hung out more. Anywho, we hung out the other night & her name came up. We were joking around & he made a joke about how she was HIS friend & not mine & then he said something confusing. Long story short, I misunderstood something he said. I thought he mentioned something about having hook him up with her. When I got home I was upset and I reacted and let him know how bothered I was. He was saying I misunderstood the joke. Long story short...he doesn't think continuing to date is a good idea anymore because we have a mutual friend & he doesn't think dating people who are friends of friends, classmates, coworkers...etc is a good idea & its better we no longer pursue this. I know this is my fault. I finally met a guy online I was excited about & who has excited about me until I reared my nasty side & questioned his previous friendship with my friend. I think I let me jealousy get the best of me & it made him question me.

I'm broken. I hate myself for getting upset because now it has just left me alone again. Why did I do that? Where do I go from here? I honestly feel like I am going to be alone forever and I have no one else to blame but myself. I did try to talk it out with him. I told him I was sorry for misunderstanding and that he is the first guy I found myself interested-in in a really long time & that I would be sad if we stopped dating because of this. I tried to put myself out there one last time in hopes we could forget about this whole situation but the damage had definitely been done. He was no longer interested in dating me. Why am I like this? I know I need to work on myself but I just dont know where to go from here. I am so sad & mad at myself.

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posted: 06/20/13 at 1:34 PM

fair_is_fair  [more]
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How nasty did you get exactly? IT isnt wrong to question an issue that you misunderstood. It is another thing by yelling and accusing some one of things they didnt do.

Where do you go from here?

Move on. If he doesnt want anymore, than there is nothing left here for you to say. Dont talk to him anymore. You said your apologies. You dont need to say them again. Its just a turn off if you keep contacting him.

Forgive yourself. Things happen and its been a while so you are bound to make mistakes. I think this has little to do with jealousy and more to do all around with your own personal insecurities. Jealousy is just a by product and your emotional outbursts are as well. You are not happy or at peace with yourself. you need to find and love yourself before you can find and love others.

Why am I like this?

Becuase you are desperate for companionship, so you are bound to get really uppity when something potential comes along. You are basically a starving dog and some one finally gave you a bone.

The lesson you need to learn here is you dont need some one to make you happy if you are already unhappy on your own. What you need is to find your own happiness and a man will only enhance that. Until you find your inner happiness, your emotions are going to spike during any emotional connection with people. Finding someone special always gives people an emotional high and when we are unprepared to handle it, it comes out in adverse ways.

This is a good time to take a break and reflect on you rather than you +1.

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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....

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posted: 06/20/13 at 2:23 PM
tiger20  [more]
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How nasty did I get?

Well we were joking around. I tried to tease him by saying he didn't have any friends. He tried to continue this conversation by saying ______ was his friend, how she was HIS friend, then he asked if I could help do something about that. This is where it got vague. I was confused & thought he meant something along the lines of "help me get with her". This was right before I was getting in my car to go home. I think I assumed he implied some interest in her so when I got home I told him that I thought his joke wasn't very funny. He started saying how I must have misunderstood his joke. I continued to go on about how if someone is interested in getting to know someone they shouldn't express any interest of their friend and that I was confused as to why he would joke around about something like that. Then I asked him if he ever had feelings for her while they were friends.

This is probably where his feelings for me turned around. BUT to be honest he never explained to me WHAT the joke meant to him. He never explained this is what YOU heard but this is what I MEANT. Instead he just went on about why he shouldn't get involved with friends of friends & how it wouldn't work about because of our mutual friend.

Last edited by tiger20 on 06/20/13 at 2:33 PM

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posted: 06/20/13 at 6:50 PM

Gail65  [more]
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I would have interpreted it the same way you did. That kind of teasing has no place in a date setting.

Sure you lost your cool and barked at him but it would not have last long with him anyway. A man making that kind of comment isn't a gentleman and isn't concentrating on you.

It is also normal for him to not want to see you again. He has to save his face and his pride and he chose to do it by accusing you of not 'getting it'...but without explaining to you what it is you should have 'got'.

As for your bursting out loud. Learn to say the following sentence as soon as you feel you've been offended by something 'what do you mean by that?'.

ADD: I got a bit of a little drama queen in me. Sometimes I react promptly but when men were really interested into me they said: 'let me explain' or 'I am sorry it was a bad joke, that's not what I meant'. Your guy was not THAT into you to just throw everything off board like this.

Last edited by Gail65 on 06/20/13 at 7:07 PM

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posted: 06/20/13 at 8:58 PM
clare003  [more]
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The only joke in this, is the guy.If a man really likes you and you misunderstood his 'joke' he could very easily clear it up. He is ridiculous and a waste of time. No one behaves this way and he clearly was inappropriate and you clearly did not misunderstand him ......Better luck next time.

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posted: 06/20/13 at 9:21 PM
tiger20  [more]
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That is true...I still have no idea what his words meant to him. I asked a friend for their opinion & they think that he tried to continue the teasing & turn it around on me by saying how our mutual was more of HIS friend than mine & when he asked me if I could "do something about it" maybe he meant like...do something as like...lets call her up & see who is the better friend between us? She said it sounds like he was tryin to be funny back but didn't do it well enough for me to understand & just failed because I took it a whole other way? I don't know, I guess I could see how he might have meant to say something along those lines now that I think about it...but again right when I showed him I was upset he could have helped me out by explaining it out to me instead of going on about how he's realized he has violated his "general rules of dating" and how you should never date people you are already "connected to".


ADD: I got a bit of a little drama queen in me. Sometimes I react promptly but when men were really interested into me they said: 'let me explain' or 'I am sorry it was a bad joke, that's not what I meant'. Your guy was not THAT into you to just throw everything off board like this.
-I'l admit, I've got a bit of drama queen in me too. I usually get that way when there is real genuine interest in a guy...of course I get sensitive. This was about the third or 4th date...do you think it was too early for me to get upset/question him about stuff like this? I can't help but feel like he probably thought...whoa she got upset, is this a preview of what it would be like to really be with her?

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posted: 06/20/13 at 9:52 PM

blondgrrl  [more]
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I have to say, no one wants to date a person who overreacts. Since he was not privy to your thoughts, for him it was a sudden outburst out of nowhere that he had no warning of, and no idea where it came from. That's enough to make anyone feel like, woah...if I date this person, am I going to be walking on eggshells all the time? And who needs that, right?

Girls tend to hide their true feelings instead of confronting the issues as they happen, and then when they can't stand it anymore, all this emotion comes BURSTING out. To someone not privy to their private thoughts, it's seemingly out of nowhere.

It's absolutely not "too early" to to question someone when you aren't sure exactly where they are coming from. However, you will find it much easier to get to the bottom of it if you don't react emotionally and instead ask in a level-headed way that gives him the benefit of the doubt. That is, don't automatically assume that a guy is out to hurt you. Come at it from the point of view of "I need to figure out what he is talking about before I react emotionally."

And don't do this kind of thing by text message- that only makes things worse, because it is SO easy to hit "send" before you think, and it's very easy to misconstrue the written word. Instead, give him a ring and actually TALK about it.

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“Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence.”
-Christopher Hitchens

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posted: 06/20/13 at 10:33 PM

Gail65  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by tiger20
when I got home I told him that I thought his joke wasn't very funny. ...... I continued to go on about how if someone is interested in getting to know someone they shouldn't express any interest of their friend and that I was confused as to why he would joke around about something like that. Then I asked him if he ever had feelings for her while they were friends.
What tone of voice did you use?

The only thing here that was not your business to ask was if he ever had feelings for her while they were friends. Who he had feelings for in the past is irrelevant.

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posted: 06/21/13 at 2:18 AM
tiger20  [more]
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We were communicating through text message. My tone probably came off as hurt and questionable about what he really meant.

I don't know I'm just still bothered by the whole situation. It doesn't help that I'm kind of avoiding the "mutual" friend. I just don't want to have anything to do with her right now because of how fresh it is. I know she wasn't involved directly but I can't help but feel this way.

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posted: 06/21/13 at 8:55 AM

Poetman  [more]
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By text? No wonder!He couldn't HEAR your tone! Those little windows for words are not for starting new relationships. When it comes to other people (past or present or shared friendship) do it in person, phone or via a LONG email. NO text.

Start practicing dialing those numbers when you want to get clarity on an issue

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Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.

You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E

I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E

I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E

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