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Unsure how to proceed with my relationship. posted: 08/08/12 at 5:07 PM
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I love my girlfriend. She is the perfect girl on every level, except one: sexually. I knew she was a virgin when we first started dating but I never thought I would have a problem and I would teach her everything she needs to know. We have been dating 6 months and for the past two months we have been 'trying' to have sex. It hurts her too much when I penetrate her and I can't get inside her more than about an inch or two.
I'm not the most sexual person, but I'm getting very frustrated with my situation. I know it's not her fault and she is trying, but I'm not sure if we are actually the right match sexually.
This is a girl that any guy would line up to marry on paper. She is smart, has a great family life and is probably the kindest person I know. But I don't know that we will be able to get over this easily.
What would you do? I love to girl to death, but sex is a major part of any relationship's future for making babies and getting to a new level. Can I justifiably dump her because of sexual reasons?
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posted: 08/08/12 at 5:15 PM
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First, move this thread to an age restricted sexual forum.
Second speak to a physician. People are designed for sex to be pleasureable. Something is wrong here. It may be emotional / psychological not physical but depending on how old you are, 6 months may not have been enough time for her to be ready.
If you are unwilling to make the commitment, that's your choice & nobody can fault you for it. However, she will be very hurt by what will feel like a betrayal.
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posted: 08/08/12 at 5:56 PM
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I don't think she's ready emotionally to have sex with you.
A few things to consider, are you paying attention to her needs and her body? Try to ease her by being emotionally connected while you're fooling around, give her a massage, get her in the mood with some sensual "lounge" music, tell her sweet nothings, get her ready and then try to have sex with her.
It's really, really hard to get a virgin girl into the state of mind to have sex, you really need to pay attention to her senses and be sensual and connect, that is the only way she'll feel comfortable enough to let you in.
You haven't tried anything to make it change but dropping her only because she's just tight is very wrong. You're not even considering nor appreciating the fact that you're the only guy who's let so close to her. And just maybe you can let her go so she can be with someone who is less selfish and self-centered?!
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posted: 08/08/12 at 6:03 PM
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Moved this thread to sexually speaking because it may get a bit explicit, OP can you please post your age in your profile?
Have you ever been with a virgin before?
As for sex, are you taking the time to make sure she's fully aroused? Like baby said, music, massage, taking your time to get HER ready? Or are you just trying to have sex without a lot of foreplay?
A woman who is a virgin needs LOTS of foreplay, touching, kissing, caressing, needs reassurance, etc. It's a big deal for many women and she's probably afraid of the pain which is making her tense up, have you tried using one finger then two first? Waiting until she's relaxed with the fingers and truly enjoying herself? Also, maybe you could go the route of pleasuring her orally, then using your fingers, and telling her you won't try with your penis until she wants you to? And in the meantime she can also pleasure you back with touching and oral?
The other thing with a virgin is that her first time (possible her first 1-2 times) is going to be about HER, not about you.
Don't let her go because it does sound like she is at least trying!
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posted: 08/08/12 at 8:27 PM
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| She has gone to the doctor and everything is okay to have sex according to the doctor. It's not like we're both 17 years old. I'm 26 and she is 25. I have never been with a virgin before, but it appears that none of her friends or my friends have ever had this problem. I just don't know what to do. I have tried a lot of foreplay, touching, etc. and it doesn't help. We have also tried having sex pretty quickly after fooling around for 5-10 minutes. Maybe she just needs to bear the pain the first couple times and then it will be better?
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posted: 08/09/12 at 12:12 AM
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Ok, I'm 27 and I lost my virginity at 27. And it hurt like hell a few times...for her to just bear the pain is terrible, she'll bleed and you will hurt her.
Like Bana said, try using your fingers first..ask how she feels when you're in bed together. Maybe you're not getting her turned on!! Maybe you're not showing her how much you want her but are too focused into sticking it in. ASK HER! how she feels, you have no idea what she wants, how she feels about it all. you need to have a open conversation about this.
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posted: 08/10/12 at 3:27 AM
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You have to communicate with your girlfriend, ask her how she feel about sex, for example; does she fear about the pain? unwanted pregnancy? or feeling guilty about having pre-marital sex etc..if those are her worries and concerns..she may not be able to fully relax her mind/body during intercourse and hence..tense up her body making penetration impossible.
I remember when I was sexually active during my teens, being so young, I knew very little about sex but my pain endurance is pretty high so it wasn't the pain I fear most (but damn! the first few times hurt so bad for me but I think childbirth pain is even worst in my personal experiences. ) Anyway, being a teenager, I was constantly worried about unwanted pregnancy even though we use protection all the time however sex still hurt bcos I couldnt relax physically and mentally then..I keep pushing my bf away when he tries to enter me but he is very patient and that helps. Moreover..sex can be really painful a virgin and some women I read are so afraid of the pain and feel really nervous with their partner prior to sex.
You have to be patient and supportive..it is going to be painful for her, so help her to relax her body and take it really slow and gentle, don't get frustrated if you cannot get it in the first few times, there's always a FIRST time for everyone and she is trying hard too so keep trying and continue to have lots of foreplays,ALOT! talk to her during the foreplay, ask her how she feel as you move along, there are some women who don't enjoy fingering so ask her if she feels comfortable and ok if you insert your fingers on her and perhaps your girlfriend just needs more kissing and touching to feel wet enough and fully aroused.
Communication before, during and after sex is very important for couples and understanding what you both enjoy is a great boost in a healthy relationship and sexlife.
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posted: 08/10/12 at 3:58 AM
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| Sounds like she's not yet sexually excited enough when you attempt penetration. Don't stick it in until you know she's hot and ready and wet....and use lube to assist, if necessary. When she learns to relax with you, it will get easier and more pleasant for you both.
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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
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posted: 08/10/12 at 4:33 PM
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Thank you for getting this thread moved to a more appropriate forum.
If the doctor has said she has no physical problems, the issue becomes psychological. She's not ready. At 25 I find it hard to believe that she's willing to have sex with someone for the 1st time after only dating for 4 months. For someone who kept her viriginity for so long that seems fast to me. Why does she want to have sex now & why with you? Is she tired of being a virgin? Are you pressuring her? If this wasn't solely her decision, her unconscious mind through guilt or something else may be stressing her out & tightening her up.
If you are in this for the long haul you are going to have to back up & take baby steps. What are you two doing before intercourse? There needs to be lots & lots of romance & build up before hand over the course of several days/nights. I suggest the following:
Text her & with a short "I love you" message. Flirt all week like this.
Call her & plan an elaborate dinner date. It doesn't have to be expensive just something out of the ordinary. Romance her. open the door, hold out her chair, hold her hand, gaze lovingly into her eyes, feed her . . .etc. The whole 9 yards.
During that meal tell her you have a plan & it involves backing off. Explain that you are going to back off the sex thing for a short while & pour on the romance. I'm thinking at least a week to 10 days. You can plan something romantic for the next Saturday night & you will have supplies by then (don't tell her that part).
Take her dancing or for a moonlit stroll. Just do something romantic. Then go somewhere & have a hot steamy make out session but don't go past 2nd base.
As the week to ten days progresses keep the romance up -- texts, e-mails, at least once per day. Buy her flowers. If you can afford it, have them delivered to her office. Send her a mushy card via snail mail. Send her a naughty / flirty card via snail mail. Buy her a teddy bear. Get her a bottle of perfume. Other than the 1 card, the contact should be more about love & romance than sex. Keep the innuendos to a minimum.
When you do see her, ramp up the make out sessions bit by bit each night . . . carresses through the clothes, then under, then use your mouth above the waist, then below. Give her the chance to touch & explore you.
The point is you want to stimulate her mind, then her heart & finally her body. Remember your brain is the biggest sex organ.
All week you want to leave her wanting more. You are going to have to take a lot of cold showers & become best friends with your hand again. Sorry. Until she's ready to manually stimulate you, you get no relief while you are with her.
When the big night comes, again you should have an elaborate romantic date. It can be as simple as a candle light picnic or as grand as dinner in a 5 star restaurant followed by a carraige ride. What you do doesn't matter as much as the focus on her does. Give her more flowers.
Ideally if it's in the budget get her a day of pampering earlier -- massage, mani-pedi etc. You want her relaxed!
If you can, buy her new lingerie for the ocassion -- something sweet like a nighty (save the elaborate garters etc. for later) and a new shorty robe. The robe is important. She needs a sense of medesty at this point.
Draw her a bubble bath. Play soft music & light lots of candles. Let her drink champagne in the tub. Do not take the bath with her. When you are in the room she should be comepletely covered in bubbles.
When she gets out you can wrap her in a big fluffy towel to dry her but be discrete. Leave her alone to dress for bed.
The bedroom should be lit with candles & soft music. You should be wearing at least boxers. Bare chested is good; naked is too much just yet. Pick her up & place her on the bed. Lots & lots of kisses. Give her a sensual full body massage; touch every part of her. Use some type of lotion or oil. When she's puttty in your hands, then move to oral. Only after she's writhing, then & only then should you even try for penatration.
The date / process I envisioned for the night of should take at least 4-6 hours before you try to have sexual intercourse.
Much of what I said can be expensive but it's not about the money. If the budget's not there just pare some of it down but keep the romance going full force. You have got to make her want you on 3 levels: emotionally, mentally & physically.
Good luck.
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posted: 08/10/12 at 6:49 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Island Riot
She has gone to the doctor and everything is okay to have sex according to the doctor. It's not like we're both 17 years old. I'm 26 and she is 25. I have never been with a virgin before, but it appears that none of her friends or my friends have ever had this problem. I just don't know what to do. I have tried a lot of foreplay, touching, etc. and it doesn't help. We have also tried having sex pretty quickly after fooling around for 5-10 minutes. Maybe she just needs to bear the pain the first couple times and then it will be better?
Definitely not lol. I mean, that's like me telling you "I'm going to shove this dildo up your butt with no lube, just bear the pain for a while." You'll just traumatize her IMO.
I agree this sounds like she's scared/nervous, is she REALLY ready? Is she feeling pressured to have sex? Then maybe you need to hold off for a while, if you can, and if she's so wonderful, I don't think it's asking much to wait a little while longer. Talk to her about reservations she may have, maybe if she's worried about pregnancy she can go on the pill in addition to using condoms?
10 minutes of foreplay? Try half an hour of kissing, touching, rubbing, oral sex, etc, you have to make her want it so bad she's practically begging and babbling, THEN she's ready If you feel you are having a hard time waiting then masturbate beforehand so you can hold off longer.
Have you tried having some wine also beforehand, that might help her loosen up a bit.
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