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Do you believe in second chances/forgiveness? posted: 07/10/12 at 10:58 PM
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This can apply in any situation. Say someone cheats, and is truly remorseful for their actions, apologies, and does everything their partner asks to regain trust, do you believe that person deserves a second chance? Do you forgive that person?
Or a person, who as an employee, performs some type of misconduct, might have been going through a lot in their life and made a poor decision, but admits to their mistakes? If not at at that current job (say they get fired), but say at a new job, where they admit the reason for being fired, but demonstrate that they have taken steps to ensure that situation will never happen again?
Or the person who commits a crime, theft or something, who is truly remorseful now, serves their time, and re-enters society, do you give them a second chance?
Me personally, I believe in second chances, and that people who are truly remorseful earn them. Keep in mind that's a SECOND chance, not third, fourth, fifth. Though I'm sure there are some circumstances where that could apply.
Thoughts? Feel free to bring in other types of examples.
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posted: 07/11/12 at 4:57 PM
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I don't necessarily equate a second chance with forgiveness. Those are two different things in my view.
Yes, I believe in second chances, and I am willing to give them under the right circumstances. I make the distinction between a person who is worthy or unworthy of a second chance by the manner in which their "wrong" came to light. If they had to be caught, then I will have trouble believing that they are truly remorseful, but rather that they are just burned because they were caught. On the other hand, if a person comes forward under their own free will to admit a mistake, it's virtually guaranteed I will let it slide.
Everyone knows what is right and wrong right before they do it. It doesn't take getting busted to figure it out, so I will make the judgment on their character in how they deal with their mistakes. Do they go along with it until they are caught?...or do they seek to make things right on their own accord. This is the reason at work that I will admit to every mistake I have made to my supervisor so that I will never have the appearance of trying to cover up my errors. I've admitted to things that could easily get me fired, but people respect upfront honesty and so far it's worked out well for me.
The hardest part about this question is how you judge true remorse? It's pretty easy for a thief who just got out of prison to say he's changed. But you really don't know if it's true until he's put in a similar situation again.
Forgiveness is something else altogether for me. That is me releasing the person from my anger, and also myself. It has nothing to do with giving a second chance though, in my world.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
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posted: 07/11/12 at 5:14 PM
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That is true there is a difference between forgiveness and second chances.
Well I was thinking about my dad, we didn't talk for over 5 years. Then last year he came to me, told me he loved me, that he was sorry for all that happened and was unhappy he wasn't in my life. And he told me if I still didn't want him in his life that's fine, he just wanted me to know.
I don't know if I've forgiven him (still working on it) but I have given him another chance to be in my life. So far he has shown to me that he has changed. I think part of me is still guarded, but willing to give that chance.
I like to think overall that people are good, and that they can change and learn from their mistakes. I guess even if someone did something knowingly wrong, there can be time when extenuating circumstances caused them to act irrationally. I for one know grief can cause a person to act very differently.
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posted: 07/11/12 at 6:36 PM
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When I was a new driver, I was irresponsible. I didn't pay attention the way that I should, I rushed, I went over the speed limit, I had a short temper. As a result of my choices, I have two speeding tickets (one from 8 years ago, one from 9) and I an "at fault" accident (happened 8 years ago) on my record. These convictions cause my insurance to be sky high! I am a COMPLETELY different driver now. I'm a mother, a wife, a homeowner and now understand what it means to be responsible and careful. I'm still judged as a careless driver though. I know that I am completely different, but it will only be proven in time when my driving record continues to stay clean.
Second chances are earned, IMO, not just deserved. Everyone should be entitled to the option of earning a second chance.
I agree with AGFM about forgiveness. Forgiving someone would be for me, not for them. It's always in my best interest to give myself the gift of forgiveness. But, I wouldn't always just give someone a second chance. I would consider giving them an opportunity to earn a second chance though.
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Love is not an emotion, it's a decision.
Last edited by silkpajamas on 07/12/12 at 2:24 PM
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posted: 07/11/12 at 11:09 PM
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Generally speaking, I usually give people a chance to show that they can behave better. But of course, this would depend on what they had done, and the circumstances. I don't think there should be hard and fast rules. I always take circumstances into consideration.
As for forgiveness, I forgive easily and quickly IF the person has earned back my trust by being completely sincere and truly apologetic. But personally, I don't see the point in forgiving someone who hasn't earned it. Though there are very few people I hate, when I do hate someone I will likely never forgive them. i simply cut them out of my life forever. I'm done with them.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 07/12/12 at 12:44 AM
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I think it depends so much on circumstances for me. One thing about me is that I don't trust easily, so once the trust has been broken it is very hard to get it back.
Some examples:
Lying - would depend on the lie and the frequency of the lying. Everyone tells small white lies, but big lies are another thing. I don't like being lied to, and I don't like being treated as though I am stupid. My sister and my aunt are both chronic liars and I will not believe a word that comes out of their mouths these days.
Cheating - My partner sleeping with someone else would be an automatic dealbreaker, though if he was honest and admitted to it himself and showed remorse, I'd probably be able to forgive him enough to salvage a friendship. If it was something like kissing another girl, I'd give a second chance as long as he was willing to do whatever was necessary to repair the trust. If he did anything that could be considered cheating, and hid it from me... relationship over and I'd never forgive that.
Violence: I might forgive a blow (and I mean a single blow or a slap or a push) given in anger. However, I would be distancing myself from that person for a while and I would expect them to willingly seek counselling and anger management help. If they did all that and seemed remorseful, I might give them a chance to make amends on the understanding that it was their one and only chance. If someone actually beat me or seriously hurt me, I wouldn't forgive that.
Relationships play a part too. I've forgiven my family (mostly) for the abuse I suffered as a child. I still have times when I'm resentful, but past is past and they are my family, and things are okay right now. However, I haven't forgiven my rapist and I doubt I ever will - the anger is still so great that sometimes I think that if I ever saw him again then I would kill him.
So... yeah. Very complicated, and something that for me needs to be taken case by case.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 07/12/12 at 1:19 AM
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I find it interesting that you'd forgive a slap, but wouldn't forgive cheating. I'm the opposite- if a guy slapped me, I'd go after him with every bit of strength in my body. After a fistfight like that, there'd be no relationship.
Cheating however, would depend on the circumstances. It's actually hard for me to imagine though because there's no way my bf would do anything that I'd consider cheating. He'd have to go behind my back and have a romantic relationship for it to be cheating, and he'd never do that. LOL his wife would also kick his butt, and he wouldn't survive if we both ganged up on him. hahaha
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 07/12/12 at 7:52 AM
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I normally dont comment on debate forum and i think you guys know why..lolz but i have some running thoughts on this to share.
Generally, I can forgive anyone easily and give them a second chance if the person is really sincere and remorseful.I know everyone make mistakes in life but honestly, I think some BIG mistakes are just too hard to forgive.
I can forgive someone who hit me like my mum did, she has never slap me on my face but she used to cane me very often when i was a kid but then, i was rebellious and wilful too. I used to hate her so much and refused to talk to her but after i became a Mother myself, i understand why she did that, i know she loves me, my 2 brothers and my sister too, the only difference is our parenting style and methods are different.
However, I may not forgive or tolerate any form of betray and cheating the partner.Personally, i feel that if someone cheats, perhaps he/she may or may not cheat again in future but there is a high possibility that he/she would cheat again at least this is what i noticed from couples around me.
To share an example of a case I know. I have a friend who is an air- stewardess, she married this guy for 3years and her husband cheated on her the first time..when she found out the affair she forgive him, but months later, he cheated again and my friend forgive him the second time and for the third time, she caught them having sex in their bedroom and she went crazy and committed suicide. We all thought she was so foolish to kill herself for a loser!! Thankfully, she survived but sadly she still lives with that jerk but she did not care if her husband is cheating on her anymore NOT becos she allow him to, she simply gave up on him. Her stupid husband kept her passport and threatened to hurt her and their only daughter if she ever leave him and he refuse to divorce her. In a case like this, IMHO..this man does NOT deserve another chance at all, I feel really sorry for the wife (my friend) whenever she broke down in tears.That 'monster' hurt my friend again and again, her husband got bolder and he never learn his lessons when my friend gave him so many chances before. And this man is SELFISH too imo, he wants the wife and to have sex outside their Marriage openly too. Anyway, this is totally unacceptable FOR ME personally in this case.
I live with my own principles in life and it is Impossible for me to have no rules in a relationship or anything.
Like most women (I've talked to and the ones i have known for years).Many women cannot tolerate their man sleeping with another woman and i want a man to myself.A man who loves me wholeheartedly and I will do the same. I do not believe in 'sharing' my partner with anyone. If my man cannot love me completely and stay faithful to me, i will let him go.THIS IS MY HONEST OPINIONS, nothing personal.
I love my kids, i love my parents, i love my friends but the type of 'love' is different with a romantic partner. I can give ALL my love to them BUT i have a 'small' heart so i can only give my little heart to ONLY ONE man.
Staying faithful is not easy with the world full of temptations everywhere, there were afew times i Almost 'lose' myself and i know its wrong but im really glad i didnt do anything wrong to hurt my hubby, becos i know i will never forgive myself if i did.
I have been faithful to my hubby in our 11years of Marriage. I know my hubby will never hurt me, he is always very protective, he is always there for me and he pampers me like a princess and i will NEVER do anything to break his heart. We went through a lot together as a couple and it made our love grows stronger and we work hard to keep our Marriage strong with faith, respect and trust.
Edit : Missing words.
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Last edited by wildsnake88 on 07/12/12 at 8:12 AM
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posted: 07/12/12 at 11:53 AM
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Like Blondgrrl said, it all depends on subject.
If it's something really bad or crossing a personal line of mine, I have a three-strike you're out policy. I generally forgive even if I must remove them from my life (as Agirlforme pointed out forgiveness and second chances are different).
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-Resident Ice Queen.
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