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Tired of getting hit on constantly... posted: 07/10/12 at 11:42 AM
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I generally do not ask for advice, I give it.
Anyhow, I rarely go out. I am a writer and am also in recovery for a serious and rare illness. A few times a month I do get out, usually this only involves errands. I don't drink, I don't party or anything resembling that nature. I dress modestly, I'm very quiet, and in general keep my eyes down or averted from other individuals.
Part of this has resulted from spending large amounts of time in solitude juxtaposed by constantly being approached when I am out. I don't mean once in a while, one guy asking for my number. It is incessant.
Bear in mind, I am not a model, I am not large chested; in fact I'm quite short, thin, and very pale. I'm proper in my mannerisms and appearance, sometimes to the point of frigidity. I purposely behave in a stoic, distracted, and chaste manner, and therefore I do not understand why this is happening.
Sometimes I simply say nothing and I've had guys call after me and follow me. If I do speak I make a short bow and simply say, "No thank you, please." Once in a while if a man is persistent I will lie and say I am married or engaged. I don't like doing this though because I don't like to lie. But even this will fail, either because the guy sees through the lie or doesn't care.
I've tried dressing down, dressing like a slob, etc. The only time I seem to be able to be out in public in peace is when I am very ill looking. And basically that's only to pick up prescriptions or go to the doctor. Otherwise I am on restricted bed-rest. It is getting to the point that I dread going anywhere public where men might be.
Male friends? I have maybe one. I can't keep any, because they all want to date me and then the friendship ends. In short I don't understand any of this. I am polite and have a few quirks that might make me interesting, but other than that I have every possible deterrent at my disposal, or at least it seems so to me.
Why on earth am I getting hounded like someone who's asking for it?
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-Resident Ice Queen.
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posted: 07/10/12 at 6:18 PM
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No amount of dressing down or evasive behavior is going to prevent you from being noticed by guys. If you are naturally attractive, then there is little you can do to hide it. This isn't what you're looking to hear I am sure, but as a guy I can tell you that it doesn't matter how bad you dress, a guy will still pick up on your features. I know you said you don't like lying, but what if you just wore a wedding band? That would eliminate a few advances. Unfortunately it won't keep the less desirable guys away.
The other factor is that you have some guys that pick up on your stoic, chaste manner is it simply thrills them because you're a challenge. So for these guys your behavior is working against you. The more cold you are, the harder they believe they must try.
If that is you in the avatar, I can see why you get so many advances because you are quite attractive looking. I don't see how you can change that.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
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posted: 07/10/12 at 8:14 PM
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Hey Midian, a pleasure to see you back on the forums, hope your recovery goes well.
In respect to your question, I too am perplexed by this phenomenon. Plenty of women have similar complaints, some men simply won't stop no matter how clearly the woman has expressed her discomfort towards their advances. It seems this form of invasive behavior is a symptom of a much larger problem where the concepts of personal space and individual sovereignty is essentially non-existent within the domain of male-female interactions. Perhaps the fact that I too spend a large amount of my time in solitude has warped my perception as to the 'normality' of this sort of behavior but nonetheless I do think theres something far deeper at work here. In large part, I think this phenomenon stems from the commodification of women and sexuality within our culture. After all, one can't respect someone's sovereignty when the basis of one's relation to other individuals is framed within a self-object model of perception. I don't have time to develop my line of thinking in this regard but if you're interested I recommend researching the Marxist concept of commodity-fetishism and how it functions in the sphere of sexuality.
Ultimately, you can try to learn the sociological process behind such behavior all you want but as AGFM said, theres really not much you can do about it. Though I too think your stoic disposition is a detriment towards averting the incessant nature of these advances, you really just need to tell these guys to f*** off if they continue pestering you. I used to be a person of stoic constitution, but as I've grown older, I've learned that in order to deal with the endless amount of bullshit in this world, one must become aggressive when necessary for the sake of preserving one's sanity.
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"A life with love will have many thorns, but a life without love will have no roses." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"I am persuaded that every time a man smiles - but much more so when he laughs - it adds something to this fragment of life."
- Laurence Sterne
"Wherever your life ends, it is all there. The advantage of living is not measured by length, but by use; some men have lived long, and lived little; attend to it while you are in it. It lies in your will, not in the number of years, for you to have lived enough."
- Michel de Montaigne
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posted: 07/10/12 at 8:20 PM
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| It's our genetic predisposition to be attracted to women, and we're expected to be the chaser, so....we do. These guys don't mean to harrass you....they just are looking for female companionship and feel you might be open to it (as Agirlforme said, your "down" look may actually make you appear to be more willing/deperate to say "yes").
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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
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posted: 07/11/12 at 6:41 PM
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Pusser: Answering you first as yours was the last I read. I understand men like/are wired to chase, and my being shy might be amplifying that drive. I'm interested on your perspective on the downward eyes. I knew looking down was a show of submissiveness, but I never thought of it as giving an appearance of desperation. I certainly do not feel desperate or try to show it in my actual expression. The look would be better described as sort of dreamy and distracted, but again I cannot see myself.
Cloud: Thank you for the welcome back, I've been away dealing with a serious condition, how have you been feeling? It is interesting how you bring up the idea that solitude can give the isolated individual a skewed idea of what common social interaction is. The acting more assertive will be difficult, as I am naturally quiet and reserved. I just wish I knew a way to avert it instead of it becoming confrontational.
Agirlforme: I never thought of wearing a band on my wedding finger, I shall have to see if I have any relatives who have the same ring size as me. Sounds like it might take a bite out of the numbers though and worth a try. As you mentioned, the stoic chaste behavior doesn't seem to deter. I never had this much attention when I was younger and more flamboyant, but maybe I did and didn't care (I was a much different person then).
Oh, and yes that is me on my profile. I have unconventional facial features and a very petite body. One of my male friends that I trust (because he is blunt and honest) said that it was my unusual physical traits that were doing it, that it was giving a false sense of 'exotic genes.' Who really knows.
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-Resident Ice Queen.
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posted: 07/11/12 at 9:22 PM
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Perhaps "desperation" isn't the word I should have used. I think a girl who projects shyness and being plain could be perceived by some guys as a girl who probably doesn't get much male attention, and therefore might be more open to the possibilities, rather than, say, a beautiful girl who always gets attention. I do think that if you're going to extremes with your behavior, clothes, etc., you may actually be drawing attention to yourself rather than simply fitting in.
Just because a guy asks doesn't mean you need to say yes. Politely decline their advances, and simply be happy that men find you appealing. It's all a matter of perspective.
Good luck!
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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
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posted: 07/12/12 at 3:23 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Midian
I'm very quiet, and in general keep my eyes down or averted from other individuals.
The first thing that came to my mind was "Victim" not because I think you are one but because I constantly see that behavior in people who have a low self esteem. That is enough to trigger a reaction from several male identities, the male "knight in shining armor" all the way to the male "predator".
One way I know to counter that is to always walk around with your head up and when your talking to people, or not, just focus your eyes on the bridge of their nose.
Walking with your head up and with purpose makes the majority of people ignore you. Walking with your head down and not looking at people will give the impression that you are vulnerable.
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