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Communication posted: 06/24/12 at 1:22 AM
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I am getting very tired.... in the beginning of my relationship, communication was fine but now it's gettin to the point where I just want to walk away. He's not a very talkative person as it is and we both entered this with some baggage but we have been working through things. Now it's at this point when he gets very defensive over anything. It's been there but it's gettting more prevalent... it stems from his 20 year marriage that failed. Whenever faced with any kind of confrontation, he gets on the defensive and attacks... and brings me down. I often tell him I am not his enemy! When things happen (and it could be the most insignificant thng), he will shut out the world. He walks off fuming and starts mouthing off things regarding his divorce. And all I do is try to talk to him about things going on with US. We cannot have a civil conversation about anything and when I try, he acts like a child.  Help please?
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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~ George Sand
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posted: 06/24/12 at 1:45 AM
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You say that you both entered this with some baggage but you have been working through things.
Why are you even talking about issues from each others' past? If you are really enamored with each other you should instead be talking about your dreams and hopes for a future together.
You don't say how long ago his marriage ended but it sounds like he has not had enough time to get over his ex entirely.
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Lydia
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"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance."
–Amanda McBroom: The Rose
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posted: 06/24/12 at 2:18 AM
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| Obviously you misunderstand... we were enamored but of course two people are going to talk about their past. We met in December 2011 and coming out of other relationships. I left a 6 year abusive one and his divorce was finalized that month but he was separated from his ex wife since 2009 (or so he says). It has gotten to the point where I can't talk to him other than about surface things... the weather, Wheel of Fortune puzzles or what I am making for dinner. That's our relationship. When, something does come up between us, his feelings always revert back to when he was married and how she treated him. He gets very defensive and I am just trying to talk to him!!!
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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~ George Sand
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posted: 06/24/12 at 2:19 AM
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I agree with, Lydyo.
When was his divorced finalized? When did you two start dating? It sounds like he's still coming to terms with that previous relationship and has a great many scars from it. Until he can accept that relationship for what it was and not blow-up, he'll never fully heal and be capable of having a healthy relationship with ANYONE.
If he is very temperamental, I'd back off. Don't feed into it. Just back off. Go to another room. Watch TV. Take a walk. Cook something. Read. DEFUSE it by NOT participating in his blow-ups at all.
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posted: 06/24/12 at 2:23 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by kaerae
(or so he says)
Sounds like you don't entirely believe him.
I have experience with what you're dealing with and it is NOT fun. Like you say, you're coming from a good place when you approach him, but he gets defensive and cannot have conversations that are deeper than dinner, Wheel of Fortune, or whatever.
One time when this was happening to me, I literally blurted out, "You need to stop handling things like I'm your ex-wife. I am NOT your ex-wife! I am a totally different person and I don't handle/feel/think/approach things in the same way at all."
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posted: 06/24/12 at 3:07 AM
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When you try to talk to him, he gets defensive. Have you tried changing your approach? That's not to suggest that you're doing something wrong, I'm just asking. Maybe there is a way that you can come to him and not make him feel like he has to defend. Or maybe he's just defensive, I'm not trying to make you sound like the problem, just trying to learn more 
Maybe you could create a nice night. Sounds like you two could use a pick me up. Make a nice dinner and try to talk. Be as non confrontational as possible. Let him know that you feel like you can't say anything without him reverting back to being angry at his ex wife. Let him know that you feel like you don't deserve that. But, you have to be gentle for this one night, tread very lightly so as to not set him off. Once you've got your point across, he can sleep on it and then it's up to him if he wants to apply change or not, but for this one evening, be as gentle as possible. Avoid pressing any buttons. Let him know in a calm moment that you don't want to fight. Let him know that you want to feel closer. Be positive. When you're dealing with someone that gets defensive easily, there's a big difference between "I can't say anything to you!" and "I want to feel close to you". You'll have to choose your words very wisely. Let him know that you want to bring about change, not argue. Don't focus on him opening up more, let that come in time. Just focus on him not exploding. Have a bottle of his favorite wine (or drink of choice) there to enjoy when the calm conversation is over.
I mutter when I get mad. My husband and I will end a conversation and I'll still be talking as I'm walking up the stairs. So, one night this happened and the next day he came to me and told me that my muttering reminded him of his dad. He said his dad used to mutter all time, it's something that he tries no to do and he'd really like to see me make it disappear. On the spot I promised that it would never happen again. That's it. And, it didn't. He effectively got his point across and I respected it.
Every relationship needs a hero. For one night, could you be a soft super hero and see where it gets you?
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Love is not an emotion, it's a decision.
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posted: 06/24/12 at 3:12 AM
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| Bialy ~ that is what I am trying to say. He's able to have deep conversations... when it concerns his ex and anything going on with his divorce proceedings. Anything regarding US... he acts like a jerk and puts down all women and walks away. I have to constantly remind him I am NOT his ex... . I did believe him but now I wonder if he has lied to me based on what his ex wife has said to me.
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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~ George Sand
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posted: 06/24/12 at 3:24 AM
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| Silkpajamas ~ I appreciate your post and you have some nice suggestions. The thing is... I am that soft super hero. I do what I can to ease him and to make him feel loved. But nothing works. When he gets in that mood, I cannot talk him out of it. And it doesn't take much to get him in that mood! I do want to feel close to him but I don't think it will ever happen...
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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~ George Sand
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