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He's testing posted: 06/20/12 at 9:33 PM
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He said that he intentionally doesn't show or express emotion because he doesn't want to put his heart on the sleeve, he likes to keep a certain control of things.
How can someone love when they don't let it happen?
Asked if I make him happy he said sometimes. Well there it goes.
He said that even though we deal with things differently he expect me to understand and he needs my patience and love.
He's worried if he's able to deliver according to what I expect. All I'm asking is committed, but somehow I'm getting the feeling he's a committed phobe.
How do I handle this?
ps. I'm tired of hearing "the relationship has run its course" again I'm not going to give up this relationship because that's easy. So if you got nothing productive to say, don't post on this thread.
Last edited by baby07 on 06/20/12 at 9:49 PM
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posted: 06/20/12 at 9:49 PM
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| Wait. like he asked you to, if you love him. Try to organise nice romantic things for you two to do together so he gets the feeling more and more often until it overwhelms him. Try to show him he can trust you not to hurt him or reject him. At the same time, if he begins to treat you as less valuable, don't stand for it.
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Re: He's testing posted: 06/20/12 at 10:01 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by baby07
He said that he intentionally doesn't show or express emotion because he doesn't want to put his heart on the sleeve, he likes to keep a certain control of things.
....
He said that even though we deal with things differently he expect me to understand and he needs my patience and love.
At the base here we have a Will number 2!
How long are you willing to give?
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:13 PM
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He has the signs of a comittment phobic man and I told him this, although he hasn't realized this he was thinking it at the moment. Asked him if he had second thoughts about meeting his parents he said no just not sure when exactly we're going to do it. That put a damper on things and told him there's no reason for him to sugar coat and be honest about it but he just said he's been honest.
I'll give it until Aug. I can't be in a relationship knowing that this guy is not willing to trust me with his heart, just not fair to me.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:13 PM
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You handle this by calming down & backing off, something to date you have shown absolutely no ability to do. This man has been honest with you from the begining. Yet you expect him to love you the way you want to be loved, with more verbal communication than he can muster. That scares him. He's now explaining to you that he's afraid he can't love you the way you want him to. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that the relationship has run it's course. It's an expression of his fear that if doesn't bend himself to you that you won't love him & that the relationship will be over, leaving him broken hearted.
Put another way Let's say you both agree to have dinner at a new restaurant. That is your goal to get from your house to the restaurant. You would prefer to take small country back roads with lots of scenery. He just wants to get there & prefers to take the highway. When you arrive at your destination, what are you going to do berate him for not taking the road you would have chosen or be happy that you are there, go inside & enjoy yourself?
Unfortunately, you seem to pick bereate him & act all insecure about his choices without stopping to realize that he achieving the goals you set together. You both want a long term committed exclusive relationship but the way to achieve that as well as what it looks like are a bit different. B/c his idea is not identical to yours, you get upset & insecure. Stop.
See the big picture. When you do, it will make you happy b/c you are in fact getting what you claim to want even though you constantly question his level of committment.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:32 PM
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I'm sorry Gail but this guy is nothing like Will. You didn't even know Will's last name, where he lived, etc.
I agree with Trish- he is saying he's afraid he can't live up to your expectations, not that he's not trying. Back down a bit and just ENJOY the relationship for what it is right now, have FUN, don't over-analyze anything, take it at face value, and just do your best to make him feel like he's valued for who he is. The more you show him that you care about him, the more you show him how great that you are, and how great it is to be with you, then he'll relax and loosen his guard. When my husband and I started dating, he told me EVERY single gf he had cheated on him. He told me he was afraid to get too involved because he was afraid I'd hurt him. I didn't force him to get over it, I didn't force him to go faster than he was comfortable with. In fact, I told him I loved him way before he told me, and just did my best to show him that I wasn't those people he'd dated before. I didn't do anything different, I just showed him who I was and over time he let his guard down and relaxed, and one day told me he loved me too, and it was nice because it wasn't forced.
Like I have said to you before, if you constantly have to have a "talk" with him about things, eventually he's going to feel like you are basically telling him "you aren't good enough for me, be better..." How would you feel if almost every time you two hung out he spent time telling you how he didn't like what you said to him the last time, how he felt you weren't being attentive enough, how he didn't like that you only kissed him for 2 seconds instead of 10, etc? Wouldn't at some point you feel like nothing you did was right? Maybe you should try looking at the positive sides to what happens in your relationship rather than focusing on the negatives. Write a list if you have to. But I guarantee at the rate you are going you are going to push him away and when he tells you it's over you'll be here realizing you were too harsh on him.
Give the guy a break, make a commitment to yourself to ENJOY the relationship, pretend it's a first date every time if you have to, and enjoy anything the two of you do together, I think you'll see that once you relax about where you two stand you'll be happier.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:32 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Tr1sh
You handle this by calming down & backing off, something to date you have shown absolutely no ability to do. This man has been honest with you from the begining. Yet you expect him to love you the way you want to be loved, with more verbal communication than he can muster. That scares him. He's now explaining to you that he's afraid he can't love you the way you want him to. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that the relationship has run it's course. It's an expression of his fear that if doesn't bend himself to you that you won't love him & that the relationship will be over, leaving him broken hearted.
Yes I agree with that, because he said it made him think when we talked about relationship expactions and that he's not sure if he can make me him with the way I expect things.
At the same time I question his distance towards me, that he admitted to be doing so not to get hurt. He said he wants and hopes that our R.L moves forward. Told him how he expect our relationship to move forward if he does this.
He's down about his work and I'm sure he feels inadequate for me at times because he kind of expressed that too. I do tell him, money isn't important to me, work will be work and he's doing his best he just doesn't have the power to change under his expactions. And it's wonderful that he's saving up, and I tell him many positive things ontop of that he's the only person who gained my trust very early....he was very surprised to hear it.
You see, I've seen many people hold on to relationships knowing that they don't love the person and one of them is my brother who had a g/f of 4yrs admitted he's not in love with her. Met another girl over the summer he fell in love with her.
I don't want to be the girl in a LTR with someone who doesn't love me the way I should.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:33 PM
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| Honestly, I think at this point what he is telling you is he is unsure of comitting to 'You', not in general. What lead me to think that is that when you asked if you make him happy he answered 'sometimes'. Personaly I would have found that very hard to hear and enough to reconcider the relationship.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 10:43 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Gail65
Honestly, I think at this point what he is telling you is he is unsure of comitting to 'You', not in general. What lead me to think that is that when you asked if you make him happy he answered 'sometimes'. Personaly I would have found that very hard to hear and enough to reconcider the relationship.
He said that "because I'm not always around"
maybe to lighten what he said, he asked me and I said yes and said I might be doing something wrong, he said no that everything is good.
Should I just break up with him?
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