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Spanking, 50 Shades and the Alpha Male posted: 06/13/12 at 2:39 AM
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So here is my dilemma. My wife and I have a pretty vanilla sex life all things considered. Not a bad sex life, just not the swinging from the chandeliers kind of thing. Recently however, my wife read the 50 Shades Trilogy, and let’s just say it awakened her submissive side a little bit. We have since engaged in some light BDSM games, spanking, bondage that sort of thing. Which I like. However, while I enjoy spanking my wife, and she enjoys being spanked, I too, would like to be on the receiving end every once and a while. My concern is this though; for those of you who have read the books you will know that Mr. Grey is the uber-alpha man, rich, endowed, in control at all times. He’s the boss in everything (though of course with that inner vulnerability), and I get the attraction women have for him, including my wife. He’s THE MAN. By allowing me to spank her I become THE MAN for my wife, whereas in all other aspects of our relationship we are more or less equal partners. How do I get my wife to spank me without ruining the whole illusion? If she spanks me will it be the same the next time I spank her? Do women actually enjoy spanking men, or is that just a way to satisfy their man?
Can a couple really alternate being submissive and dominant roles, or is it better to stick with one side? For those of you who spank, what has been your experience? Do you take turns or not?
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posted: 06/13/12 at 5:17 AM
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You have to understand that people can be one, or both, and only you can really know if your wife is versatile. You might want to have an open discussion with her on it.
I've found that I'm rather interested in both receiving and giving. I will wholeheartedly give my guy a thorough spanking if he asked for it. Nothing tickles me pink more than to see a man squirm. On the other hand, I love, love, love a guy that takes control and can make me squirm into complete submission.
If you and your wife are in a loving, caring relationship, and are willing to meet each others' needs, and try new things, then you should bring up the scenario. Mr. Man meets his match by meeting a strong, confident dominatrix. She completely takes his control away and, gasp, by the end of it he likes it.
So what if the big, powerful man likes a nice spank session? There are tons of powerful men out there who LOVE to have their control taken, it's a rush.
There's no harm in asking! Just remember, some women aren't capable, or ready, to play dominant or do that sort of thing with their man.
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posted: 06/15/12 at 6:22 AM
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Yes, there are women who are dominant. I'm very dominant, and was in a D/s relationship with a sub guy who had a major spanking fetish. I loved trying him up snd letting him really have it! 
It's true that some women are turned off by submissive men. But some women are turned off by dominant men, too. Like me- I don't have a submissive bone in my body, so I could never get on with a dominant guy. And, lot of people can switch. There's huge variety out there in sexuality.
You won't know if your wife is such a person unless you ask.
Have fun, and play safe! You guys should get the book "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman. It's got a lot of safety tips and good advice for fun and games. 
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 06/20/12 at 5:37 PM
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quote:
You won't know if your wife is such a person unless you ask.
[/B]
Proclivities are very difficult to fake. If a guy isn't able to paddle a woman hard enough that she might have to call out the password, then the partner is going to know it. And over time it will lead to a frustrated relationship for both. I'm not sure if people can switch; it's biochemical. I think it's true for voyeur/exhibition participation as well. A male who wants to be dominated probably won't be able to dominate a woman. I see it as an orientation.
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posted: 06/20/12 at 11:40 PM
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A fictional account of a BDSM relationship is just that- fictional.
If you are interested in knowing more about this lifestyle, it's better to read NON-fiction books, such as the one I recommended above by Jay Wiseman, who is a psychologist and a long-time and well-respected member of the kink community.
I haven't read 50 Shades of Gray, and I won't likely read it. I heard it started as Twilight fan fiction. When a vanilla person writes a book about BDSM, the portrayal is not going to be accurate. In the reviews I've read, apparently the main character is portrayed as someone who is sick and demented, who can only be "redeemed" though loving sex.
If you want a GOOD fictional portrayal of BDSM, read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. You can tell that she "gets it".
And I can assure the OP: BDSM switches exist.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 06/21/12 at 9:47 AM
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@blondgrrl: I've heard much of the same. Everyone seems to be going crazy about those books... but the brief extracts and the reviews I've read make it seem terrible. It's a shame because there aren't really many mainstream novels about kinky relationships, so it would be nice to see one that is well written and accurate.
And yes, BDSM switches absolutely exist. I am one. I am mostly submissive in nature, but I do get into a certain mood where I love dominating my partner. I consider myself lucky, I get the best of both worlds.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 06/21/12 at 2:29 PM
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Right!!
There are hard-core kinksters who will deny the existence of switches, or who will go all righteous on you and tell you that if you switch you are "doing it wrong" or other such horseshit. The truth is, sexuality is DIVERSE. There's no "right" way to do kink.
Dom, sub, or in between, it's all cool.
Just beware of "hipster kinksters" LOL... dressing up in leather and rubber, and then acting all freaked out when you pull out the cat...
(cat 'o nine tails, I mean)
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 06/21/12 at 3:38 PM
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I've read quite a bit of "erotic literature" and the book I think is a fair interpretation. The main character is not "sick and demented," that makes him sound like a freak, he just had a terrible childhood experience and uses BDSM as a way to keep distance from people. He's not redeemed merely through loving sex either- there's definitely more to it.
I think it's a pretty accurate portrayal of an introduction to BDSM, but it's definitely not a guide. How do you know the person who wrote the book engages in a "vanilla" lifestyle? Do you know her personally? And I don't think you can judge a book based on reviews. If you read it for yourself than that's a different story.
As for Twilight it has some faint twinges of resemblance, but until after I read the series and someone told me that did I go "oh, yeah, I can vaguely see that."
And I don't think it was written as fan-fiction of Twilight- the author is friends with Stephenie Meyers and I think it was featured on her site for a while.
It's one of those books that you read and then move on with your life, it's definitely not life changing. 
And maybe the author's intention was to start off one series kind of slowly, she may right another series that is more intense but didn't want to scare off the world if it's her first series- you know how people can get.
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posted: 06/21/12 at 4:22 PM
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Here's the thing.
The guy had a hard childhood, so uses BDSM to keep away from people. The female character feels conflicted and unsure but gets on with it.
That right there is a stereotype. There is an oft-repeated trope that people in BDSM are damaged psychologically, and either feel conflicted or have been abused, and use BDSM to keep people away (or to relive the abuse, and therefore have control over their "abuser").
Books that play off stereotypes only reinforce those stereotypes among ignorant people who want to believe the worst because of personal prejudice agsinst anyone who is "different".
That's what I don't like. Kinksters have it bad enough without a popular book going viral and further marginalising us as people who are all damaged in some way.
I do plan to take a look at this book when I next go to a bookstore where I can find a copy. I'll be in a better place to judge then, and can more fully answer your questions, which are legit. FYI, the reviews I read were written by people in the kink community and sex positive community which is what made me trust their analysis.
Once I check it out for myself, I'll be in a better position to give a real review with specifics. Until then, I simply urge people who read it to be skeptical about whether it's a realistic portrayal of a BDSM relationship.
Fair enoug?
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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