 |
| |
|
|
|
Turning off thoughts during sex posted: 06/02/12 at 7:18 PM
|
|
|
I've always had the issue that I can't seem to switch off my brain in the bedroom. I am constantly having 'rational' thoughts ("is he enjoying this", "should I make a sexy face now", "wow that feels nice I need to remember this") that keep me from being able to really get into things.
This leads to me taking ages to come and getting almost bored after a while. Receiving oral sex is not enjoyable for the same reason... it's almost like I want to get over with that part of the foreplay as quickly as possible because I simply can't relax.
It's not that the sex is bad - this has been happening for two years, and with different partners. It also means that I have tons of ideas and things I would like to do and try in the bedroom, but then never actually do them because I start thinking too much again.
I wish I could just switch off all of my thoughts and go with the flow. I am sure I would enjoy sex a lot more than I do now (and I do like it!). It's not an issue when I'm 'by myself'... just when I am with a man. Anyone have any tips on how to chill out and stop thinking so much?
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/03/12 at 9:37 AM
|
|
|
Gail, it's always been like that. I'm a person that tends to think a lot in general... I guess I had a predisposition towards it. But there's no particular event that caused the overthinking.
Cablebandit, maybe it would... but weed seldom has an effect on me and I'd like to be able to enjoy sex without drugs, too.
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/03/12 at 12:56 PM
|
|
|
Well I hate to ask you this, but.. how into your partner are you?
I had the same problem as you say you're having now with past partners. I never could quite turn off my brain. But with my boyfriend now, it's totally irrelevant. I mean, it still popped up occasionally in the very first encounters we had, but it was fleeting. I was much more focused on him, because he turned me on so much that it was really hard to think of anything else. Occasionally my mind will wander a little bit, but never very far and never for very long at all.
Aside from the fact that I'm crazy about him and totally attracted to him, I think it also helps that we've talked about being intimate with each other and how we feel during, so I never really have to wonder what's going on in his head - he's already told me.  If you think that'd help with the overanalyzing.. just knowing that he enjoys it, too, and letting go instead of overthinking it.. talk to him!
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/03/12 at 2:19 PM
|
|
|
It's a fair question - with my current partner, we only just started going out, so there was no time yet for big feelings to develop.
However, it can't be just that, because with my ex for example the same thing happened - and I was absolutely madly in love with him, and thought he was the hottest man on earth.  So there was a lot of attraction both physically and emotionally. Now that think about it, maybe it happened a little less... but the issue was still there all the same. It sometimes got to a point where I would almost sigh on the inside when he initiated sex. I feel horrible writing that... I do love sex, but often it feels either boring or like a 'performance'. I know that sounds like a contradiction. I wish I knew how to switch this off and just enjoy it.
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/04/12 at 8:38 PM
|
|
|
Sounds like you're thinking about "performing," and not about concentrating on what's going on in the moment.
Yes, affection and sexual desire for the other person's body help one concentrate on what's going on right now. But you appear to expect there to be a timeline or itinerary---and are in a hurry to get to the end. Can you not just focus on the physical sensations you are feeling, especially in your genitals, and concentrate on that?
----------
"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/05/12 at 6:10 PM
|
|
|
I have had this problem with past partners. But my new partner doesn't allow my brain to work.
Once he and I start, my brain is immediatly turned off until we are cuddling in the middle. Then while he is rubbing my back lovingly we will talk and I am able to tell him what I really enjoyed (that he didn't already guess from my body language and vocals--lol).
Listen to Pusser. He gives great advise.
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/06/12 at 2:28 PM
|
|
|
Hmm. For me, the talking definitely helped... it made me more comfortable and less worried about expectations.
And when you get intimate, what are the expectations you have? I used to do the same thing you said - sigh inwardly when he'd initiate - with my ex-boyfriends, because it always felt like it was about them and never about me. The relationships weren't all that great to begin with, and that certainly didn't help.. but I never could relax with them, never really trusted them fully either I suppose, and was constantly wondering how I was doing and wishing they'd just hurry up already because I was bored. I know that sounds AWFUL, really, but it's true. And it was because I couldn't get out of my own head, for various reasons.
If you're worried about performance, again, talk! My boyfriend makes it so easy because he never gets upset if I want to stop for whatever reason, and he takes initiative a lot and does things just to please me. I never have to ask, and if I do, he's 100% willing to do whatever it is I want at the time. I know I don't have to perform for him because he doesn't want me to, and he genuinely wants to please me. That's ultimately what makes my brain stop working like that.. because my boyfriend makes it his goal to make it stop functioning. :P
So I guess for me it was about being comfortable.. knowing that no matter who's doing what at whatever time, no matter which one's on the receiving end, we're both enjoying it. I still make conscious efforts to please him, obviously, but the pressure simply isn't there with him.
Hopefully some part of all that helped! I tend to ramble sometimes.. lol.
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
posted: 06/06/12 at 5:12 PM
|
|
|
| I felt exactly the first few times I started having sex, in fact I thought I sucked really bad and was thinking way too much. Until, the talking happened....It's best when your guy would give you some sort of feedback during sex that Helps a lot putting your mind at ease and making it more enjoyable. Him telling you What feels good, where and how your performance is will definitily change things. Maybe try a bit of dirty talk, ask him how it feels, if he's enjoying it etc.
click to: respond to this topic
|
|
| Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
|
|
|
|
|
