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What would you do if you were me? posted: 05/02/12 at 11:19 AM
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What would you do if you were me?....
....When your married lover pressures you into building a future with him!
Brief background: I was involved with a married coworker for the past year as some of you might have read about it. He was a huge player, admitted to me, told me about his past, etc. I was talking very openly and flirty with him at first - so he acted like a d!ick toward me a lot back then, and it was obvious that he just wanted to play around with me.
Then things turned 180 degrees around eventually. Our affair became the strongest emotional relationship I've ever been in. He was extremely caring, loving, considerate about everything....We laugh, we cry through so much together in such a short time.
Eventually he started talking about our future quite often - asking me if I can see myself with him so he could start planning things out. I told him because our relationship started off as an affair - it's a very weak foundation without much trust. And when there's no trust, there's no relationship, so as much as I love him, I honestly don't think we could pull through it.
Recently,again he seriously asked me if I would...marry him. That we should start making plans, and that he can't keep living in lies, in deceives - that he really needs me in his life, etc. But again, I gave him the same explanations as above. I told him I've been very depressed because I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, can't go backward or forward with our situation.
He told me he's tried so much, and done so much to show me his love. He said what else he could be doing if I told him there's just no future for us._
Mind you we (mainly me) kept our relationship very discrete. I didn't want us to contact each other outside of work at all (because i know I'd always be waiting around to hear from him & worse, he doesn't even use a cell phone). We spent time together maybe once a week, usually after work, so we really didn't get a chance getting to know each other that well at all.
I feel like he's being too dreamy about our future and not realistic. I love him to death but I have almost zero confidence about our affair. It frustrates me so much when he's just thinking black and white like that._
I just want to see how would you feel, or what would you do if you were me._We broke up about 1.5 weeks ago, accidentally ran into each other yesterday for the 1st time (since he's been avoiding me to make things easier) and it was still extremely emotional and heart breaking for the both sides.
PS: he still has 3 young kids under the age of 12, youngest is only 3 years old_
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:29 AM
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Ask him how soon he can separate from his wife?
What kind of custody was he thinking about for his children?
Does he have the money to ask for a divorce?
Is he ready for the consequences, like having to hand over his house to his ex, pay huge child support, maybe alimony to his ex?
Tell him as long as he is living with his ex his proposition to you is a joke. My opinion? he's full of BS. He just wants the thrill of a mistress.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:31 AM
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| Just wanted to add - it was today that he told me about how he tried so much & I still can't see a future with him, his letter was as if he's blaming it all on me. My mind has just been very messed up, I can't believe he went from how "He can't offer me anything right now, and that I deserve so much better than this" to "he tries everything and I still don't see it". Sorry for such a long rant, it's 3:30 AM and my mind is such a mess.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:38 AM
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What a mess. Even if he divorces his wife and marries you, you'll have to deal with custody battles, alimony, court dates, and a LOT of vitriol from his ex, kids, and the rest of his family for being a homewreaker. Can you handle that?
I don't know him, so I'll ask you to be the judge, but can you trust him not to turn around and cheat on you? He seems to be the non-monogamous type. Can you handle that?
You should get a good sleep and think on this very carefully.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:40 AM
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| I never got around asking him those questions because I didn't want to think about our future. He told me to give him 3 moths once to situate things out but I told him to forget about it. He told me if I agree to be with him, he will make the decision right there and then. We slept together like 2x a while ago, but I stopped because I couldnt deal with it emotionally. So, it's not much of a physical relationship between us at all to have that kind of a mistress thrill.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:45 AM
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The mistress thrill is not all about having sex, it's A LOT about having a dirty secret and the thrill of having another woman wanting him.
If this man was married to your sister, what would you think of him? How would you see his character?
He is a man with 3 small kids at home, with a wife with responsibilities up to her ears, and instead of giving his best to his family, to those 3 children he put into this world.........he runs around and has an affair at the office.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 11:57 AM
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Moonlightla...I think you are doing the right thing by telling him to forget it. There is a much bigger and longer term implication here, which when you're in the midst of feeling "emotional" about someone and they are feeding you all this dramatic intensity that creates the illusion that there is something serious and real going on her--like "true love." When in reality--the core of the situation is that this man is someone who makes EXTREMELY poor decisions and has little boundaries.
He is cheating on his wife, he is offering marriage and he's not even out of his house nor does his wife know anything about this--talk about putting the cart before the horse! Also, he has THREE children under the age of 12. One thing is certain--this man knows his priorities -- and it has nothing to do with anyone else but HIMSELF. Also, he admits to you that he "was" a huge player -- well, sounds like he still IS. You say he was a d!ck to you at first and now he has done a 180. I think that's a great description for someone who is emotionally unstable and has a difficult personality. So if you take out the equation of the "feelings" that have been cultivated in all the "drama" -- what do you get? A man you want to run far, far away from!
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Live in a way that leaves no regrets.
Strive most to understand what you fear most.
To change our lives, we must first change our minds.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 12:36 PM
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Blondgrrl - I thought about everything you said and I knew there's no way I could handle all that. I was VERY scared thinking how he will cheat on me again - and I told him that was my biggest fear. But he acted so sincere toward me, nothing like the guy I knew when we first met anymore. He brought me to the motel a few times, but respected my wish and didn't even pressure me to sleep with him, until a few months after that we couldn't play with fire anymore and gave in. With the kind of person he was, I really thought it's way too good to be true. He told me give him a chance to prove that hes no longer that person, and if one day he feels the need to go behind my back he will walk away first....
Gail - I guess I usually associate affairs/thrills with sex, so I guess I failed seeing the way you see. Good point, I totally agree with you though._
Katie - I did also mentioned to him that maybe this whole thing is just an illusion. It's very unrealistic because we are always in a lovey-dovey state of mind due to our circumstances. We never get to spend time the way a normal couple does. I'm quite a loner, and I kinda sense he could may be somewhat a depressing person. Though very hard to tell when he's at work - full of energy, witty, sharp, etc. He's an extremely emotional and romantic guy. Toward the end of our relationship where we had to decide whether to make it or break it, he was usually the one who got more emotional (break down) more than me. I've dated a lot, to all kinds of guys (yes, even attached guys ugh...), but there's something in this guy that I cant _seem to let go, though we tried maybe a dozen times already. When we are together, even just talking or watching a movie - our feelings are beyond intense like out of this world. It scares the heck out of me because it can get so out of control. But one thing I know is if he's single/divorced now, I would have a huge trusting issue to consider being with him.
It's already 4:30 AM, I guess I better get some sleep. I couldn't eat anything the entire shift at work (and losing my appetite is something almost never happens). I couldn't stop crying at work either today, we spent so much time together when still working the same shifts that everywhere has some sort of memory about us 
He gave me back a full box of letters and cards I've given to him today because I told him I don't have a peace of mind for keeping it in his locker. Now I have 2 boxes (1 from him, 1 from me) full of our letters and I don't have the courage to destroy them at all....I break down every time I see them.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 1:25 PM
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What would I do? I would be putting an end to the affair as soon as possible. I would also put zero consideration into his offer to be together because I would never want to walk into such a drama filled life that awaits with small children, custody battles and an emotionally immature man. The only reason you're still stuck in this whirlwind is because you didn't remove yourself from the situation and allowed him back in. Things will get easier for you once you disconnect emotionally. You do this by stopping communication with him.
This man is a wreaking ball for your life, the idea of getting deeper into a relationship with him should terrify you.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
Register your complaint here
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posted: 05/02/12 at 1:46 PM
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I went down this road over 10 yrs ago...except I did not know that the guy was married until 10 months into the relationship.
I was given empty promises. I had heard the same thing you had heard. 10 yrs later, this guy is still cheating on his Wife and married to her.
He did leave his Wife briefly for me. I did not ask him too.
I did not feel like a I had won or gained anything. Instead I hurt someone that I did not know and she seemed like a wonderful person too. After a few days, I could not handle it and told him I could not do this.
You have to look at the big picture here...he's planning a future with you when he hasn't even tied up loose ends with his other obligations.
If you do end up with him, could you trust that he would not do this to you? He's a coward, he cannot talk to his Wife, leave his Wife or do anything to fix the situation. Instead he cheats. You see how well that worked. Sadly, you were the one who was hurt.
He says give him 3 months. Are you sure that he's not buying more time?
Here's what I would I do if I were you since you asked....
If you honestly want him. Do NOT believe in anything he says until he has done it. A person who is going to do something WILL do it and not makes excuses.
This guy says he will leave her for you? How does that make you feel?
If he's really all that unhappy, he would just leave. Even if you were in the picture or not.
Only have communication with his at work. DO NOT take calls or see him outside of work.
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~Love is a cycle. When you love, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you hate.
When you hate, you try to forget.
When you try to forget, you start missing.
When you start missing, you eventually will fall in love again~
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posted: 05/02/12 at 7:53 PM
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I have tried to picture myself with him now and the thoughts of all the dramas do terrify me. Though I have to admit I did think maybe sometimes down the road in the future, we could maybe give it a try again under different circumstances.
Since I told him how depressed this whole situation has made made, he's really tried avoiding each other as much as possible. I have a rule that we don't communicate outside of work so our calling each other won't be a problem - and like I said, he doesn't even use cell phone for years already.
Another problem, Im currently an outside (contractor) employee and there's a big possibility this company wants to get me on board with them as their permanent staff. They've been talking about it, and I'm afraid I won't have much choices when the time comes because I guess they've been pushing to get rid of the whole contract thing and hire them. And there comes my biggest work concern - he has recently been promoted to the supervisor position and I will have to be transferred back working on his shift when hired - at least for a while mandatorily. It's already dreading enough just the thoughts of dealing with each other again everyday when we are still in this mess. There's only so much you can avoid each other when working in the same area, and all sorts of emotions I will have to face too, ugh.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 8:24 PM
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Moonlighta, you've got a big mess on your hands. Why are you seeing a married man in the first place?
If you step back from your feelings and look purely at the logic of things (because it really is better to let our brains do our thinking for us in the long run), you'll see that you have no substantial evidence about this guy being a quality partner. In fact, the evidence points in exactly the other direction. Or anyway, here's what I see. You can take it or leave it as you see fit:
- His attitude is one that serves himself before his family. Instead of focusing on keeping his marriage good, he chose to have an affair. Now he's willing to devastate his children's lives to marry you, when his children have no idea who you even are? Seriously?
- His judgment is questionable. Instead of leaving an unhappy marriage because he wants to leave and is convinced it can't be recovered, he will leave "IF" you want him to. On top of that, he's saying he wants to marry someone he can't even publicly acknowledge in his life. Who would jump into MARRIAGE with someone who has never met their friends and family? As others have said, this is not emotionally mature.
-He is not taking responsibility for his behaviors. He'll leave if YOU want. You deserve better than him means he's aware that he is falling short, but never bothered to correct it. Now he claims he's "tried so hard," even though that trying has never included him actually doing the right thing by you OR his wife and kids.
You've already admitted that your inner voice recognizes the unreality of your circumstances. You're exactly right that you're only able to experience lovey-dovey mode. Then there's your instinct screaming that he is likely to be a depressive type - which would only get worse if you did marry and became a source of his problems instead of his escape from them.
Your intense feelings for him are just... feelings. They're not signs of compatibility. They don't demonstrate how someone handles their responsibilities. They don't demonstrate how someone overcomes difficulties. (In his case, his behavior pattern is to seek comfort from an outside source.)
Train wreck ready to happen, in my opinion. The fact that you're even giving any serious thought to him says you have some growing to do, too.
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Read no-nonsense articles about love, relationships, dating, and marriage at jellygator.hubpages.com.
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posted: 05/03/12 at 1:59 AM
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If you think you could possibly marry him and love him:
Tell him if he leaves his wife it has to be because he chooses to because of how their relationship is, and how committed he feels to it. Tell him you don't know if you want to marry him, but you love him. You'd need to spend more time with him to decide, and you can't do that in the current situation.
That puts things back on him- either he will leave his marriage or not, and either you will have a future together or not.
If you don't think you could possible marry him then just stay broken up- for everyone's sake.
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posted: 05/03/12 at 4:26 AM
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Do you think that maybe the reason you're attracted to this relationship is because of the lack of commitment involved? Maybe you tend to go towards this "type" of relationship because it isn't real and you don't have to do the "normal couple" thing or any of the disappointments that come with it. I'm not trying to say that you're a commitment phobe, but there is a reason that people tend to gravitate towards these types of relationships and maybe you need to figure that out (you've said that you have done this in the past).
In these scenarios, you're constantly in a state of drama which is exciting and "new" even if you've been seeing the person for a while. You've said it yourself, you guys have not had to deal with the daily grind of a typical couple. To me, he clearly can't handle that type of scenario when he needs to step out on his relationship with his wife to "build a life" with someone else and also I'm not so sure that you want a real relationship either.
I don't think this is about him, I think it's a question of you needing to figure out why you're attracted to this type (since it's a pattern) of person and then go from there.
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"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~Oscar Wilde
"The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it." ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." ~George Bernard Shaw
“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~Oscar Wilde~
"The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it."
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