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posted: 05/02/12 at 7:53 PM
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I have tried to picture myself with him now and the thoughts of all the dramas do terrify me. Though I have to admit I did think maybe sometimes down the road in the future, we could maybe give it a try again under different circumstances.
Since I told him how depressed this whole situation has made made, he's really tried avoiding each other as much as possible. I have a rule that we don't communicate outside of work so our calling each other won't be a problem - and like I said, he doesn't even use cell phone for years already.
Another problem, Im currently an outside (contractor) employee and there's a big possibility this company wants to get me on board with them as their permanent staff. They've been talking about it, and I'm afraid I won't have much choices when the time comes because I guess they've been pushing to get rid of the whole contract thing and hire them. And there comes my biggest work concern - he has recently been promoted to the supervisor position and I will have to be transferred back working on his shift when hired - at least for a while mandatorily. It's already dreading enough just the thoughts of dealing with each other again everyday when we are still in this mess. There's only so much you can avoid each other when working in the same area, and all sorts of emotions I will have to face too, ugh.
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posted: 05/02/12 at 8:24 PM
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Moonlighta, you've got a big mess on your hands. Why are you seeing a married man in the first place?
If you step back from your feelings and look purely at the logic of things (because it really is better to let our brains do our thinking for us in the long run), you'll see that you have no substantial evidence about this guy being a quality partner. In fact, the evidence points in exactly the other direction. Or anyway, here's what I see. You can take it or leave it as you see fit:
- His attitude is one that serves himself before his family. Instead of focusing on keeping his marriage good, he chose to have an affair. Now he's willing to devastate his children's lives to marry you, when his children have no idea who you even are? Seriously?
- His judgment is questionable. Instead of leaving an unhappy marriage because he wants to leave and is convinced it can't be recovered, he will leave "IF" you want him to. On top of that, he's saying he wants to marry someone he can't even publicly acknowledge in his life. Who would jump into MARRIAGE with someone who has never met their friends and family? As others have said, this is not emotionally mature.
-He is not taking responsibility for his behaviors. He'll leave if YOU want. You deserve better than him means he's aware that he is falling short, but never bothered to correct it. Now he claims he's "tried so hard," even though that trying has never included him actually doing the right thing by you OR his wife and kids.
You've already admitted that your inner voice recognizes the unreality of your circumstances. You're exactly right that you're only able to experience lovey-dovey mode. Then there's your instinct screaming that he is likely to be a depressive type - which would only get worse if you did marry and became a source of his problems instead of his escape from them.
Your intense feelings for him are just... feelings. They're not signs of compatibility. They don't demonstrate how someone handles their responsibilities. They don't demonstrate how someone overcomes difficulties. (In his case, his behavior pattern is to seek comfort from an outside source.)
Train wreck ready to happen, in my opinion. The fact that you're even giving any serious thought to him says you have some growing to do, too.
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Read no-nonsense articles about love, relationships, dating, and marriage at jellygator.hubpages.com.
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posted: 05/03/12 at 1:59 AM
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If you think you could possibly marry him and love him:
Tell him if he leaves his wife it has to be because he chooses to because of how their relationship is, and how committed he feels to it. Tell him you don't know if you want to marry him, but you love him. You'd need to spend more time with him to decide, and you can't do that in the current situation.
That puts things back on him- either he will leave his marriage or not, and either you will have a future together or not.
If you don't think you could possible marry him then just stay broken up- for everyone's sake.
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posted: 05/03/12 at 4:26 AM
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Do you think that maybe the reason you're attracted to this relationship is because of the lack of commitment involved? Maybe you tend to go towards this "type" of relationship because it isn't real and you don't have to do the "normal couple" thing or any of the disappointments that come with it. I'm not trying to say that you're a commitment phobe, but there is a reason that people tend to gravitate towards these types of relationships and maybe you need to figure that out (you've said that you have done this in the past).
In these scenarios, you're constantly in a state of drama which is exciting and "new" even if you've been seeing the person for a while. You've said it yourself, you guys have not had to deal with the daily grind of a typical couple. To me, he clearly can't handle that type of scenario when he needs to step out on his relationship with his wife to "build a life" with someone else and also I'm not so sure that you want a real relationship either.
I don't think this is about him, I think it's a question of you needing to figure out why you're attracted to this type (since it's a pattern) of person and then go from there.
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"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~Oscar Wilde
"The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it." ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." ~George Bernard Shaw
“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~Oscar Wilde~
"The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it."
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posted: 05/14/12 at 1:03 AM
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So much drama happened between us since I posted in this thread. We kept going back and forth to the point I’m getting very emotionally exhausted. I honestly lost count of the number of attempts we’ve tried calling it quits til this date. We were extremely close this past week that it actually scares me. The last time we hung out, I didn’t handle it very well emotionally when we departed each other and kinda gave him a hard time.. He asked me “why does it always end like this, after a great time spending together?” I thought that was the last straw for me, I explained to him how it’s been eating me alive emotionally, and that he never understands what I have to go through, etc. I can’t just relax and have fun because I do have my feelings involved. He looked so miserable and kept apologizing to me but I told him we don’t need this kind of dramas anymore and just walked away. That was Thursday night and we haven’t seen or talk to each other since.
I don’t think the “lack of commitment” is the root to my problem in being attracted to married man at all here. I guess my BIGGEST attraction to them comes from how they normally tend to know *exactly* what to say, how to treat me, what I like & dislike, how to make me laugh, etc. They’ve been with countless of women so they know how to present themselves quite well. They know how to attract me like no single man could ever do….I know this is a very toxic and unrealistic pattern I’ve been going at, since that’s probably not exactly how they would behave with me if we were officially a couple.
I don’t remember the last time I dated a single guy & felt the strong chemistry or connection, and especially the excitement. I get disappointed & bored too easily. I have the unrealistic standards - he has to be funny, spontaneous, exciting, has some bad-boy traits – but at the same time: romantic, caring, loving, & all those good traits. So I always tend to end up with the major players like the married men, or very caring but boring guys (or not enough excitement to keep things going for me). I feel sooo doomed with my love life sometimes ugh…
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posted: 05/14/12 at 2:48 AM
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Yes it may be very exciting but it is a facade. It's the same type of feeling that people get when they go to see a good movie or play. They are attracted to the fantasy of the situation. Of course these men are "good" at what they do. They've had lots of practice and each time you see your married lover it is lights on and curtains up for him. It's like being on stage and knowing you need to recite your lines with perfection.
The problem with this is that you're setting yourself up for failure for a "normal" relationship with someone who isn't attached. Things are not this grandiose with single guys because they are being real. They aren't setting you up for some fantasy land that they know they can't sustain. So you're either going to continue with this pattern until you realize the fault with this plan or you'll eventually wake up and see that you're going to need to find someone who can give you what you need rather than what you want.
There is a song by Lauren Hill called "I Used to Love Him" and some of the lyrics make sense in this situation:
"As I look at what I've done, the type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the Father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight
And I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't
I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend
See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For somethin' to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was somethin' I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded
Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn"
And here is another one, "When it Hurts So Bad":
"I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it"
Girl you need to get out of this vicious cycle or it will eat you alive and you'll be left with a shell of who you once were. This man is a syphon and you are going to be left high and dry. Get out now and don't look back.
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"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." ~Oscar Wilde
"The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it." ~ Niccolo Machiavelli
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." ~George Bernard Shaw
“What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” ~Oscar Wilde~
"The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it."
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posted: 05/14/12 at 3:12 AM
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I have known men and women in relationships, in married relationships where they should be living apart. You haven't mentioned if he is in some kind of awful relationship at home- if she is mentally ill or an addict or something. I knew a friend of my brothers and his wife was metally ill and she abused him and was crazy but he waited until she had treatment and was 'stable' to divorce her. He is happy now with someone else.
I mean, what are his reasons for not being able to devote himself to being a good husband and father?
If his home life is unbearable, then he needs to be the one to make the change- He can't just keep you hanging on to a half life and if he is a player and is just fooling around with you, then nothing good can come of this.
I would get a private investigator and find out what you can, vis-a-vis his home life- if he is playing you, then cut it off- break with him. But if he has found himself in a bad home situation, then he needs to make a decision.
Take into consideration that suddenly, you will be plunged into a lifestyle very different from your life now- You will be playing step mum to three small children and dealing with his fall out- their fall out and possibly the ex wife's fall out. Think carefully before you wish.
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posted: 05/14/12 at 7:09 AM
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I guess I’ve been living in my fantasy land too long with Mr. Married. Yesterday I went out on a….8-hour first date with a very decent guy (and yes, 8 hours of a real first date – lunch, movie, dinner, outdoor activities type of thing). I remember towards the end of our date (around 10 pm), I asked him “so what time do you need to leave?” like how I always asked M.M, and he just looked at me like I was crazy or something lol. So I was like, “well we pretty much spent the whole day together already, I’m not sure if you have any obligations.” The moment I just got home, he called and asked if I got home ok since I was very sleepy before we left. Then he thanked me for a great time, etc. It felt pretty weird, the good kind of weird. With Mr. Married – if anything happened to us, we would have absolutely no clue until probably one of us comes to work the next day, since I don’t want to be vulnerable with him so I keep zero communications (phone, emails, etc) when we’re apart.
I’m usually very good at walking away and never look back, but Gosh my mind & heart are so f***** up this time. Such sad songs btw 
I guess I already made up my mind cutting off all ties with him, so no private investigators needed at this moment. I asked about his relationship with his wife a few times, he told me it’s been dead for quite a while. He still cares for her but there’s no love, he’s not happy but it’s tolerable at home, his kids are still too young, etc. To me, I think regardless of what he tells me, I will probably never know the real truths anyways so I didn’t bother asking much.
I’m actually feeling a bit nervous coming to work tomorrow. I’ve been trying harder everyday with him, and I’m not so much in the lovey-dovey land like before anymore. It’s somewhat a pretty good progress for me.
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posted: 05/14/12 at 3:49 PM
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You know how many married tell their mistresses that it's bad at home? Well pretty much all of them, when in fact nothing is wrong.
I think if you always end up with married men it's because somehow it gives you some value. Maybe the thought of a man ready to lie, sneak, deceipt to be with you gives you a sense of importance.
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