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posted: 05/06/12 at 12:55 PM
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I don't know anymore. Everybody says I deserve more and better but I don't attract 'more and better'.
My friend the banker-stalker, I had a thread about her, she finally met a man. He's just a really great guy, considerate, respectful, attentive, he takes her out all the time and never wants her to reach for her wallet, he covers her with compliments, she is on top of the world. My friend is the most jealous-possessive-insecure-no will power- woman I have ever come across, still she catches a guy like that.
She projects: I need someone to save me - and those great guys are popping up in her life.
I project: I will save you - guess what pops up in my life.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 1:32 PM
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The truth is when one looks so hard for love or Mr right,it/ he seems never to come. I think you need to take å break from dating for awhile. Over time, i have learn that nobody can actually make you happy. True happiness comes from within you.
Grail, sorry for being harsh, one thing i notice about you that i don't like is You always have the NEED to have å man your life. It makes you look desperate. I know you can overcome that if you allow yourself to enjoy yourself.
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One good turn deserves another.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 1:41 PM
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| Tomie, I have been single for 8 years (I only started dating 1 year ago). I would not call that 'needing a man'. I am not looking toward a man to make me happy. I have accomplished that on my own but now I am ready to have someone. I don't even want someone full time in my life, I would be happy with someone that has 2 evenings per week for me. Maybe I have been alone for too long and I forgot how that's suppose to work.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 2:32 PM
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Gail, my fear is that you're going to start things from the same point and he'll promise to "work" at it. Your requests are reasonable, being a part of his life is a normal thing. He should not have to work at letting you into his world, it should be natural. He should be coming over after work some nights and being with you until morning, you should be able to pop by and pick him up to go out for dinner, you should be able to go over to his house and get to know his family a little, he should be proud to show you off!
Again, I fear that you'll just start where you left off. I hope that starting things again starts with becoming a real part of his life, not with promises of it happening.
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Love is not an emotion, it's a decision.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 6:01 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Gail65
I project: I will save you - guess what pops up in my life.
Gail, it seems you recognize your issue, but you are not willing to make the necessary changes in your approach. If you stopped "trying" to save men -- then you will not attract men who need saving. And ironically, it seems to me that the men who DO need the most saving, rarely "want" to be saved. So you have a lose-lose situation on your hands.
I used to have a bit of this tendency myself in the past. But I have learned to say, "...not my problem..." and it has done wonders. Not in a mean way, but if someone has some communication issue or is dysfunctional in a relationship...it's really NOT my problem, it's THEIR's and the truth is I really can't do much for them. That viewpoint, makes it easier to walk away and also not take it so personally.
All you can really do is YOUR part and if your partner can't do HIS part...oh, well...too bad for him. You move on.
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Live in a way that leaves no regrets.
Strive most to understand what you fear most.
To change our lives, we must first change our minds.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 6:17 PM
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quote:
She projects: I need someone to save me - and those great guys are popping up in her life.
That's no surprise. Man are often attracted to women like this because it gives the feeling of having the upper hand in the relationship. Men are attracted to women like this like flies because they know they can manipulate them to get what they want. Don't look at how this guy is with envy, he may be a lot different behind the closed doors or even how she describes him. The truth is never as pretty as it's made out to be.
quote:
I project: I will save you - guess what pops up in my life.
Don't project this then. Instead, adjust your modus operandi. You've known for a long time that the type of man you need in order to achieve your goals of stability is not the one who is going to stupify you with charm and excitement. If you want to settle down, then stop going for the initially exciting guys and go for a less exciting one. You will probably find that you'll grow to adore him and once you have a chance to get to know him on a deeper level, you won't find him boring. Just try it.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
Register your complaint here
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posted: 05/06/12 at 8:48 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Agirlforme
Don't project this then.
lol, easier said than done. I guess it's my personality. I am the eldest of my siblings, I was raised to look out for others, to help and protect. When something is wrong they still run to me their big sister. My daughter (25 soon) calls me when she has any kind of problems and yes, I solve it all for her. . I also have picked a job where I make things happen and solve problems.
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posted: 05/06/12 at 9:32 PM
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| Honestly grail,if that is just what you want,Will should be just ok, but the truth is you want more than å par time partner. You want more than that. You want someone that will be committed to you, you have told Will time without number you want more and since he can't give more than he is giving he's pulling away the more. So the truth is the package you want in å relationship can only come from å responsible man. You can't get it from Will.
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One good turn deserves another.
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nusse09 posted: 05/06/12 at 9:45 PM
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What exactly is the things that he has now said is going to change???
Has he offered you to meet his family, are you allowed to come to his house? Are he willing to spend the night with you? Is he going to spend more time with you? Has these things happened so far?
Has he by now at least had the respect to pay you back the money that you lent him?
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posted: 05/07/12 at 3:07 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Agirlforme
You've known for a long time that the type of man you need in order to achieve your goals of stability is not the one who is going to stupify you with charm and excitement. If you want to settle down, then stop going for the initially exciting guys and go for a less exciting one. You will probably find that you'll grow to adore him and once you have a chance to get to know him on a deeper level, you won't find him boring. Just try it.
I don't disagree with all of this, but I do disagree with the notion that fabulous long-term prospects aren't allowed to be charming and exciting. I mean, sure, a lot aren't... but some are. It depends on what you can't give up in a relationship. It may take her longer, but to say that there are NO men out there who fit her current criteria?.. that's a little presumptuous, I think.
For me, chemistry isn't something that just... appears. I either have it, or I don't. I've dated a great "long-term prospect" guy, but he was boring! We didn't fit well, it just... it wasn't ever going to work out that way. I stayed, because we were supposedly going to be great together. I was infatuated with him for a few weeks, and then... nothing. I grew annoyed by him, not adoring of him! It was a bad situation for both of us, and I don't suggest trying to force something. The chemistry that makes someone exciting and intoxicating is not the same as them being a bad long-term prospect or not wanting to settle down. I found myself a super exciting, ridiculously sexy man who wants to settle down with me! Why sell yourself short?
I mean, I hear of people who 'grow to love' one another, but it's never worked for me. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough, but.. that wasn't something I was willing to give up - that spark, or that chemistry. And just because Gail wants that, doesn't mean she's unreasonable. People need different things from relationships... not a bad thing!
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Re: nusse09 posted: 05/07/12 at 4:14 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Heartinfire
What exactly is the things that he has now said is going to change???
Has he offered you to meet his family, are you allowed to come to his house? Are he willing to spend the night with you? Is he going to spend more time with you? Has these things happened so far?
Has he by now at least had the respect to pay you back the money that you lent him?
One thing at a time. He told his daughter about me and he said if I want to meet her he will ask her. I am not going to ask him about spending the night at my place as long as she's visiting. That would be setting myself up for failure. There is something very sensitive here, if I make it look like I am asking him to pick time with his daughter or time with me, I will lose. He drives her anywhere she wants at anytime she wants. If she asked him to stand on his head he would.
Today she asked him to take her downtown for the afternoon. He planned his day around that. He waited for her to get ready. At noon she changed her mind, a friend called and she wanted to join them at the movies. He drove her to the movies and it was perfectly fine with him that she cancelled their day together at the last minute, and it was perfectly fine for him to wait around for the movie to be over to take her back home. At 11 pm tonight he was heading to pick her up at his sister that lives a 45 minutes drive to go and 45 min drive back and he works very early tomorrow morning.........you see the picture? If I attempt a small comment he will reply right away that he will do anything she wants.
About the money? He doesn't have it to buy life's necessities so he doesn't have it to refund me. I told him to take care of the most important first, I can wait for the money he owes me.
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Re: Re: nusse09 posted: 05/07/12 at 7:06 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Gail65
One thing at a time. He told his daughter about me and he said if I want to meet her he will ask her. I am not going to ask him about spending the night at my place as long as she's visiting. That would be setting myself up for failure. There is something very sensitive here, if I make it look like I am asking him to pick time with his daughter or time with me, I will lose. He drives her anywhere she wants at anytime she wants. If she asked him to stand on his head he would.
Today she asked him to take her downtown for the afternoon. He planned his day around that. He waited for her to get ready. At noon she changed her mind, a friend called and she wanted to join them at the movies. He drove her to the movies and it was perfectly fine with him that she cancelled their day together at the last minute, and it was perfectly fine for him to wait around for the movie to be over to take her back home. At 11 pm tonight he was heading to pick her up at his sister that lives a 45 minutes drive to go and 45 min drive back and he works very early tomorrow morning.........you see the picture? If I attempt a small comment he will reply right away that he will do anything she wants.
About the money? He doesn't have it to buy life's necessities so he doesn't have it to refund me. I told him to take care of the most important first, I can wait for the money he owes me.
This sounds mature and sensible of you. He sounds like he is very keen for his daughter to choose to come stay with him rather than her mum maybe? And ask him to schedule that meeting sometime soonish, somewhere relaxed- ie weekend at oark or very laidback restaurant/pizza place , or dinner at their home or something that will make her comfortable...- let her choose the place maybe. . How old is she?
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posted: 05/07/12 at 9:03 AM
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| So, Gail, without him changing anything at all, you'll give him one more chance.Because, I imagine, if he says his daughter doesn't want to meet you, you won't insist because the issue is sensitive. Also, he didn't ask you to visit his house, he won't sleep in your house, he can't afford to pay you back the money..correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this exactly the same situation it was when you decided to break up with him? The fact that he told his daughter about you (according to him) is enough for you to go back? And what was different a couple weeks ago? I think that first you need to decide what you want and then tell him. Because telling him you're not getting enough out of your relationship and then going back to him is the making of a vicious circle, where you complain, he apologises, you accept all his excuses and all that until next time. And without even the end of tunnel in sight since you have no idea how long his daughter is going to stay.
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posted: 05/07/12 at 10:30 AM
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I have as feeling that he's going to keep making excuses and relying on your 'patience' for as long as he possibly can. His daughter, if I recall correctly, is an adult - it is crazy that he can't make some time for you as well as her...
Jules is right, this seems like a constant cycle, and I can't see it ending well.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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