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posted: 04/30/12 at 12:58 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Margery
I could refer to someone dragging me out of a room without meaning physically.
Then that would be incorrect. Dragging is a physical act.
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Similarly, being pushy can be a verbal thing. It is not clear what has actually happened from the op's words.
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All of a sudden, my bf stormed up to me and, in front of everyone, pulled me off the pool table and dragged me away from everyone, and then pushed me inside the house and into our bedroom, and then just started to go absolutely ballistic at me.
I can follow this chain of events just fine. It is very clear The op's boyfriend was physically aggressive and completely disrespectful. I interpret "to go absolutely ballistic" as a verbal onslaught.
Pushing, pulling, dragging, slapping, kicking...it doesn't matter. It is all flat-out unacceptable. Do I even need to mention that the op told him not to touch her in that way? Op, please don't stick around. Abusers don't suddenly stop, they just get worse.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 3:06 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Margery
I think this is something that can be overcome, unless he punched or kicked you or raped you. He was just very expressive, very angry and very upset.
Margery... my ex was exactly like the OP's boyfriend. One time he physically dragged me along the street because another guy had tried to talk to me and he blamed me for it. He was jealous and controlling, and would often verbally abuse me for talking to other guys.
I made excuses. I reasoned that it was normal, that he was just being protective, that it was sweet that he was so jealous.
Then it got worse. He would keep me prisoner in his house and refuse to let me leave. He slapped me across the face. He would throw things around the room and at me. Then he did rape me, but by that point I was too broken, too far under his control to even acknowledge it for what it was. The last straw was when I became pregnant and he basically forced me to have an abortion - and then hit me while I was still recovering.
That whole cycle took place over the course of just one year.
And I know that it was his fault, that he was to blame, but... six years on I am still living in fear of men, and fear of him coming back, and I just think... I could have saved myself so much pain and grief if only I had left him after that first time he showed his true colours.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 04/30/12 at 3:13 PM
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Just to add - OP, if you really are set on giving him another chance (which I do not recommend) then at the very least I would move out for a while, and refuse to live with him until he's had at least six months of anger management counselling.
Please keep in mind that abusers will promise anything to get you to come back. They will promise to keep their jealousy under control, that they will get help, stop drinking, whatever... very, very few of them actually keep their word. If you keep your distance for a while and he gets help on his own and sticks with it, because he is ashamed of his own behaviour, there might be a chance for him. Otherwise the odds are very high that he'll go on to repeat this behaviour, or worse.
And the question is: If you won't walk away this time, are you really going to be able to walk away next time?
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 04/30/12 at 6:47 PM
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To the OP, I wholeheartedly hope you completely ignore Margery's advice. When two children are playing on a playground, one is not allowed to control the other. Can you imagine if a child got this upset with another child because they weren't behaving in the way that they demanded? Would that child just be showing how much they care by pushing, shoving and yelling? NO! Your bf did the same to you. NOT OK! There is no justifying it.
Should you give him a second chance? I don't think so. But, I think you already have so I want to do my best to prepare you for what is to come.
Your bf has anger issues, you've seen warning signs. You're not listening to that voice inside you that is screaming that this is wrong. You're pushing this voice down down down by thinking about all of the good things that he can offer (BTW, you can have all of those good things without tolerating such extreme bads, that's what you deserve).
Now, he's sorry and you're happily afraid. So, he's on his best behavior and so are you - the honeymoon  . Once this passes and you are back to normal, a "situation" will come up. You will have no warning, it will be a surprise and you wont know what you've "done". He will not be able to control himself in that moment. It's easy to say now that he will, but the proof will be in the moment. It's like putting a recovering alcoholic in a party with an open bar, all of a sudden it's not so easy to stay sober. It's easy to control himself now, sure, he's calm. What's going to happen the next time he gets mad? Is he going to hold it in and just teach himself not to have this issue? NO! IF he can hold in his anger for a little while (BIG IF) it will come out again and will come out with a vengeance. When you hold your feelings in, they escalate, I'm sure you can relate to that. Well, the feelings that he's dealing with are not normal and the level that they escalate to are unhealthy and extremely dangerous. You're waiting with a ticking time bomb.
Long story short, you're not giving him a second chance. You're wasting your time sitting beside a bomb that is going to explode. You could be moving on now and using this to improve yourself, grow and create a healthier relationship. Instead, you've put that all on hold (just hold, cause it's inevitable) and chosen to deal with it at a later date. I just hope that he doesn't hurt you before that later date.
Your inner voice is right and your family is right. You've known that person for 6 months, that's not nearly long enough to know someone. Now that you're living with him you're getting to know that real him. Now that you've seen the real him, you're tolerating it. Probably everything that you said you would never do. Listen to that inner voice that doesn't want to accept this.
Forgive me if this is harsh, but this runs deep with me. You can't see the forest for the trees and the best I (or any of us) can do is try to help you see. Everyone around you is telling you to get out of this relationship. Do you really think that everyone is wrong and you're the lone right one? What would you say to a friend that was in your situation? What would you say to your daughter if you had one? Would you tell her that he might deserve a second chance because he CAN be a nice guy? Hell no you wouldn't! You would tell her to be strong and find someone that deserved her. If you were a her parent you would be DEVASTATED at the thought of her tolerating this!
The best thing you have is your inner voice. It will not lie to you. You can ignore it, but you know that it's telling you the truth. You know this isn't what you always dreamed of and you know that this isn't right. I pray that your inner voice gets louder and louder until you can't ignore it so you can create the stable life for yourself that you deserve.
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Love is not an emotion, it's a decision.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 7:24 PM
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Don't be like my sister-in-law.
Her partner has huge temper/anger management problems.
The first time he totally lost it (at her birthday party, in front of all her friends) she promised her friends and herself that if he ever did anything like that again she would leave.
Over two years later and his horrendous outbursts are a semi-regular occurrence, and they're just getting worse. The smallest things will set them off. Sometimes she leaves, but only for a few days. She always goes back to him, believes his promises that he will change, that he won't do it again, that he'll do anything for her, because she's in love with him...
Don't be like my sister-in-law.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 7:58 PM
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It's quite unfortunate that you appear to be making the same wrong decision that many make in staying with a jealous, controlling, and potentially abusive person. The fact that you even recognize it and choose to do it anyways make it that much harder to comprehend.
Of course he's remorseful. They all are because they know they were wrong, but that isn't the point. The point is that they don't have control over their emotions. Giving him a second chance with an ultimatum attached does nothing to protect you and it also does nothing to deter him, because he doesn't have control in the first place. All you have accomplished is to set yourself up to experience it again.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
Register your complaint here
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posted: 04/30/12 at 10:05 PM
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It is up to the OP what she does. If she gives him a chance, I agree with other posters here that it should only be one chance. That assumes she has actually been physically abused.
Could she have written instead- he grabbed my arm and pulled me off the table, then walked with me to another room, insisted I go in with him, and then proceeded to yell at me.
I am not saying this behaviour is good behaviour. I am saying if he lost it once out of jealousy then maybe the guy deserves a chance. Assumedly he had not been faced with this situation before. I also note it sounds like a lot of alcohol was being consumed by all- maybe AA is an idea, or just a self-imposed limit on how much he drinks..
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posted: 04/30/12 at 11:33 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Margery
I am not saying this behaviour is good behaviour. I am saying if he lost it once out of jealousy then maybe the guy deserves a chance.
Margery, you're talking as if he caught her in bed with someone! If he became so jealous and angry just because she was talking to one of his friends in front of him, what will he do if he sees her talking to a guy he doesn't know? Or hugging a friend? Or talking on the phone to someone? And what kind of life is that if you're scared to even talk to a friend because your boyfriend may 'lose it'? There's absolutely no excuse for his behaviour, the guy has issues with a capital I.
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posted: 05/01/12 at 12:09 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by charlzy
But if I did decide to stay with him, at least for now, and I wanted him to seek out professional help... what would be the best way to approach that?
Just sit, talk with him (in a public area) and tell him you think the two of you have moved fast, and in light of his issues you want him to seek professional help if he wants to continue a relationship with you. That at this point you can't take the chance that he'll just get better without any professional help of any sort. That you want him to get help because while you want to make things work, you can't if he won't get help.
quote:
Originally posted by brokenstar85
Just to add - OP, if you really are set on giving him another chance (which I do not recommend) then at the very least I would move out for a while, and refuse to live with him until he's had at least six months of anger management counselling.
THIS. I think it's time to move home and see if he means his promises to not do it again. If he really means it he'll sign up for classes ASAP or therapy ASAP (which I think therapy is best).
Personally if I were you I'd move out and wouldn't look back. If he is truly sorry I'd tell him go get counseling and then we can talk in a few months...
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posted: 05/02/12 at 2:21 AM
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Well we had a chat yesterday and I told him that a simple apology was not going to be enough, and I needed him to SHOW me that he felt remorse and was committed to fixing everything, and not just tell me. I told him that the way he treated me made me feel like he had no respect for my body or me as a person and that all control had been stripped from me, and that I was now constantly wondering when it might all happen again.
But we also started to chat about what contributed to his anger and jealousy issues, as to me it appeared to extend from his own low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, and therefore he felt 'threatened' by all men and thus an urge to protect me/stop others from 'tempting me away' so-to-speak. And he agreed. He felt that he's constantly worried that I don't see much in him and that I might be tempted by someone smarter or better-looking than he is. Not just that, but his close friends are a constant pressure, constantly telling him that I'm 'out of his league' and he needs to be careful I don't 'stray'. To me it sounds like his friends have their own insecurities that they need to deal with, but instead are just passing it on to my partner.
But anyway, the above is certainly not me making excuses for his behaviour. Nothing excuses that. I've decided I'm going to go to the city for a little while and just spend time with friends and clear my head. In the meantime my partner has promised to get his act together, cut back on drinking, etc.
So we'll see what happens. I've still made it very clear to him that if it happens again there won't be any more chances and I will leave him immediately, and I plan to stick to that. I have the support of my family who have also promised to support me and help me move out should it happen again (although they would much prefer I just move back home).
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