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Does he deserve a second chance? posted: 04/30/12 at 12:40 AM
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I'm struggling to come to terms about an incident that took place with my boyfriend last Friday night, so am just looking for some advice on how I should perhaps handle the situation.
Bit of background info if it helps: we've been dating for around six months and living together for about one. I'm 22, he's 24.
Anyway, Friday night in a nutshell - we had some mates over and we were all drinking having a good time watching the footy. I get along quite well with all of his mates so I was just chatting away enjoying the company. One of his mates in particular I got chatting to at one point, just about random things, we were sitting next to each other on my bf's pool table. All of a sudden, my bf stormed up to me and, in front of everyone, pulled me off the pool table and dragged me away from everyone, and then pushed me inside the house and into our bedroom, and then just started to go absolutely ballistic at me. I just stood there like a stunned mullet; I had absolutely no clue what had made him so upset. But he just screamed at me and eventually told me to '**** off back to my Dad's' and started to get a little pushy with me. I got angry at him and told him not to touch me like that, but he kept ranting and raving, so in floods of tears I just grabbed the car keys and left.
Now I was incredibly drunk at the time, and whilst driving to my dad's I lost control of the car and almost flipped it. The experience absolutely terrified me. I never drink-drive, and I know I should have called a friend or a family member to come pick me up, but at the time I was just so upset and everything happened so fast, all I wanted to do was get out of there and go see my Dad. So I got home to my Dad's incredibly upset; he was furious of course that I'd driven home in such a state, and furious with my bf that he'd treated me that way. I spent the night there and then the next day went back to my bf's place to grab some things, as I'd decided I needed to spend the weekend away to gather my thoughts. When I got home, he was just sitting on the couch looking pretty miserable. He tried to kiss me and hug me and tell me not to leave, but I simply told him the way he had treated me was unacceptable and I would not tolerate being controlled like that.
Later that night, he sent me a couple of messages saying how sorry he was, that he shouldn't have overreacted, that it would never happen again and he can't bare to lose me. The following night I decided to come back home, but made it absolutely clear to him that if it ever happened again, I would leave him immediately.
My dilemma now is that my family are furious at him for what he did. They think I let him off the hook too easily and that I shouldn't have gone back to him. I completely understand where my family is coming from, but I also feel that it's easier for them to just see things in black and white when they don't know my bf or my relationship with him all that well. At the same time, I do worry that it will happen again. He's been in some pretty bad relationships in the past which have unfortunately contributed to him having major jealousy and self-esteem issues. All of his friends and family have told me how much he's changed for the better since meeting me, but what happened last Friday makes me wonder if he's starting to revert back to his old ways. I have seen 'warning signs' I guess you could call them in the past, where he's been obviously uncomfortable when I've been talking or texting someone of the opposite sex, but I really never thought much about it. But his reaction over the weekend has shaken me up a little.
I know there is no excuse for treating someone you're meant to love that way, and I'm certainly not trying to make excuses for him to 'make it all better'. But I guess I just feel that we all do bad things some times and stuff up, but it doesn't necessarily make us bad people. Am I right to give him a second chance, as long as I keep to my word about there being no more chances? Or should I just take this as a sign of more bad things to come and just get out now...
Any advice is much appreciated.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 12:59 AM
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Short and simple: DTMFA.
If I were you, I'd never speak to him again. That was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse when you'd done absolutely nothing wrong!! What triggered it was such a small, insignificant thing that I shudder to think what he might do the next time he gets upset with you. These things always, always escalate. Once a man has put his hands on you without consequences, he'll feel quite secure in doing it again.
Don't make excuses for him. Anger is no reason to lose self-control. Once the gate has opened like that, it won't close. If that's how he handles anger, you need to get away from him.
My ex hit me once when he was really angry, and that showed me he had no respect for my bodily integrity, my rights as a human being, or respect for me as a person. You don't hit people you have respect for. And you don't hit and verbally abuse people you love.
It took a while longer for me to really see that, but I finally understood that he never had, and never would have, any respect for me.
DTMFA. Listen to your family!
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 04/30/12 at 1:12 AM
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Your family knows the situation better than us: if they're expressing concern, I wouldn't dismiss it.
My ex got physical with me and I gave him a second chance. Guess what? He did it again, a few months after his first attempt at keeping me in his house.The fact that I got together with him after that first time made him think that what he did wasn't significant or that big of deal because I returned to him.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 2:18 AM
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You have been living with him for 1 month and he allowed himself this kind of violence with you, this was just a preview of what is coming next. Yes he will do it again. I hope you will leave him definitely then.
Abusers always regret their act, they always apologize, they always tell you they won't do it again, they even cry. It's part of the cycle of abuse. Now that you are back you will go through a small honeymoon phase, it's also normal, but don't doubt it, he will do it again.
By coming back you have just confirmed to him you were negotiable on that kind of treatment.
You have only known this man for 6 months. End it.
Last edited by Gail65 on 04/30/12 at 2:36 AM
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posted: 04/30/12 at 2:40 AM
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Your initial reaction was correct. You should be trusting your gut and leaving him for good. You got a good look at the core personality there, staying now would mean you are ignoring the obvious and choosing to put yourself at risk of future outbursts.
Going back to him has shown that you're not really serious...because if you were actually serious, you would not have gone back in the first place. It WILL happen again, so why bother to be around for it?
Leave him.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
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posted: 04/30/12 at 3:00 AM
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He doesn't deserve a second chance hun, if he were truly remorseful he'd have gotten professional help for his problem beforehand. Or at the very least told himself to calm down, and calmly walk up to you and ask you to come be with him and hang out with him, rather than do what he did.
I wouldn't go back, get your things and go home. What if you HAD flipped your car and ended up the hospital, could you have forgiven him then?
If he's truly sorry tell him to get help with his issues. His family will always take his side and say he's "much better" but the reality is what he did was WAY out of line and I'd move on. You've only been with him 6 months, don't waste anymore time with this guy. You don't want to turn around years later and remember this moment and think "I should have left then..."
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posted: 04/30/12 at 3:44 AM
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At the same time, I do worry that it will happen again
Oh it will.
and as bana said, if you ended up in a hospital in a bad state,would you have forgiven him and taken him back?no you wouldn't.
If you take him back now and same thing happened again and you MIGHT NOT get as LUCKY as first time, you'd not only be so angry at him but would be so angry at yourself for didn't get out in first round.
It's ONLY been six months if what you should tell yourself. get out.
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To the question of u'r life, u r the only answer. To the problems of u'r life, u r the only solution.
Nobody is perfect and I am nobody. That's why, i am perfect.
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posted: 04/30/12 at 4:59 AM
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He was extreme;y jealous- this means he wants you to be his, not flirting away with this other guy. I think it indicates how important you are to him. If he didn't kick or punch you but just was very upset and angry you were spending so much time with this other guy then I think it is good you went back to him.
If you ask him not to do it again - and he really already has indicated he knew it was wrong to drag you away like that,already, so he should agree to try not to, make sure he knows it is because you don't want to be man-handled, not because you want to be free to chat up other men...
I think this is something that can be overcome, unless he punched or kicked you or raped you. He was just very expressive, very angry and very upset.
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LOL
