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Hope is a cruel thing but I can't seem to let it go  posted: 04/15/12 at 2:35 AM
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Dear everyone.
Me - 24, him 28, together for 2 years, broke up 2 days ago.
Objectively, we had a great relationship but had our problems like all couples. We had a lot in common - food, travel, belief systems, computer games, study, life goals. My best memories of him are staying up all night talking about anything and everything. I loved him and he loved me.
Recently we've had a really rough patch because his mother has come to live with him for the last 2 months and she tries to control his life. We are semi-long distance and only see each other on the weekends. Lately we have been fighting every weekend because of her dramas and my own intolerance and insensitivity to the issue.
So he broke up with me 2 days ago saying he needed to focus on his studies (huge exams coming up in 6 weeks) and didn't want to risk stuffing them up. He also moved house last week which was extremely stressful. He said he felt like he was stuck between me, his mum, moving house and school. Initially he had told me he just needed some time and space, which turned into wanting a break, which turned into breaking up.
Our break up was drama free. We sat down, talked in quite, reasonable voices. He said he still loved me and cared about me but he was frustrated and worn out by the constant bickering lately. He hugged me tightly and I could feel his body against mine, hear his heartbeat, feel him breathing in my scent deeply (oh man that sounds so lame... I'm sorry).
I just don't feel it's over-over. I intend to give him space (zero contact) for 2-3 months and then ask to catch up for coffee or something, see where we're at. My sister and most of my friends are telling me just to move on as they feel he's thrown in the towel and that's a dealbreaker, but my gut is telling me that we were truly happy and the fighting was because of circumstance and not because of unchangeable factors.
Hope sucks but it's also sustaining me right now. I am really stressed with work too and have a big presentation on Monday and also on Friday which could really affect my career. I don't know if I'm in denial but at the moment denial and hope is all that's sustaining me.
Sorry if this sounds pathetic, I just needed to get it off my chest.
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"Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted in something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained." [Marie Curie]
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posted: 04/15/12 at 3:49 AM
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Margery... you made me feel so much better by acknowledging that I'm not being crazy for hoping.
I guess the last 2 months have been really rough and he did break up with me for the main reason that he felt if we stayed together we'd keep fighting and he would stuff up his exams and not be able to find a job. He also brought up side issues of feeling we weren't compatible, feeling we didn't have much in common - but I feel these were more justifications he was telling himself to make it easier. You don't spend 2 years with someone travelling different places, days on end together, talking about everything and anything, if you had nothing in common.
I think the thing about men is, they need to feel they made the right decision and have stuck to it. He needs to come around on his own. I need to live my life and be awesome and hope that he does.
Sorry, I am partly talking to myself as well. I feel awful, I miss him, I feel afraid that I'm deluding myself and everyone is looking at me pitying that I won't just accept the truth.
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"Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted in something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained." [Marie Curie]
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posted: 04/15/12 at 6:23 AM
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| You most definately are NOT weird. You remind me of myself in some ways. It is only natural to "delude" yourself in a situation like this. Without hope, we give up entirely, and we don't want to give up. At any rate, I don't think I have much advice to give here other than you are perfectly normal. I haven't really had any experiences in my life that I could draw from to give you on advice on what to do, but I will say this. When I have a gut feeling aabout something, I always trust it, no matter how rediculous it is. If I don't, I always regret never having known what the outcome would have been if I did. When I do and find that I perhaps shouldn't have, I at least have the benefit of knowing that I tried my hardest to do the right thing, and that sometimes things don't work out. I would try talking to him in 2 months like you said. It seems to me like he just needs a LOT of time away to focus on his studies. Since I'm taking college level classes in high school and trying to balance between that, two clubs, and a hobby, I know the feeling. Sometimes things get pretty intense, and you just need as much time to work on not botching things up as you can. Sometimes, this means sacrificing some things. I've had to give up the hobby I enjoy for months at a time this year alone and I've had to give up hanging out with friends... And it kinda sucks. I get lonely just being stuck at home working. If he is at all similar, then, by the time his situation is over, he will be missing you so much that he would be so happy to see you again. I mean, its pretty obvious that he broke up with you very reluctantly. I think it's worth a shot. If he wants it to be a permanent thing, then that's just the way it goes. Trust me, you will beat yourself up more for not trying and never knowing if it would have worked than you would if you tried and it didn't. Besides, it's only two months. If it doesn't work, then statistics show you have another 60 years ahead of you. Even after two months, 60 years is a lot of time. You will most definately find someone who would never give you up in that timeframe.
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posted: 04/15/12 at 1:05 PM
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Thank you Max... your words were incredibly comforting to me, especially the last sentence. In my sad moments I did feel that I would never find someone who would, I guess, "fight" for us. That was my biggest disappointment... that he didn't want to try and work things out. But I can understand how he feels, he's tired from all the arguing and hurt by my lack of support.
You really hit the nail on the head with saying I should trust my gut, and if I let it go, I'll be thinking "what if" forever.
My friends and family are looking out for me because they see how hurt I was and they very rightly feel that once broken a relationship cannot be repaired. But I think it can also be quite situational. I'm trying not to dwell on it or mope, and certainly am not waiting around for him in limbo. I am moving forward with my life as if we have broken up permanently, improving myself for me, while giving him time to sort things out and miss me. It may be too late or it may not be, but you never know unless you try 
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"Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted in something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained." [Marie Curie]
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posted: 04/16/12 at 1:04 AM
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Firstly you don't sound pathetic. Get that thought right out your head. It takes a very brave person indeed to be so honest and open with their feelings. I truly admire you coming forward and posting your thoughts and feelings on here
Maybe the uncertainty of it all has played a big part in keeping you both apart. Not just physically but more importantly, mentally too.
If you go with your gut feeling then.. I don't think you'll go far wrong.
Don't make 'What ifs' They can haunt you forever. Believe me I know. Regrets are something we can't all delete at the drop of a hat.
I do hope you both have enough strength to see this through. because It sounds to me as if the love you once found in one another is still there. Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it's lost and can't be rekindled. True love never dies you see.
It sounds to me as if the last thing he needs right now is added pressure with all his workload and suchlike. If your instincs tell you it's true love then. There will be a way to work through and still be together in the end. If it's what you both still want.
quote:
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"
I so ,believe this verse from Corinthians and I know better than anyone it's not always easy to abide by. Some comes natural, but when it comes to hope it's so difficult when we don't have a crystal ball.
I'll say my prayers for you both tonight and 'hope' it all works out for you both. So keep us all up to date, and not hanging on too long 'hoping' it all works out for you both
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I dunno what the future will bring but I know you're here with me now...
"
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posted: 04/17/12 at 1:09 PM
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Thank you Venus... I have been very sad and teary at times the last few days, and I am just focusing on work at the moment which is a good distraction. Reading over what everyone has responded here really soothes my heart. I am definitely guilty of making "what ifs". I also hope and my gut feeling is that we really loved each other and I hope that we have enough strength to see it through. I feel like if we can get through this, then our relationship will be even stronger because we persevered.
Thank you for your prayers and your kind words. Even if in the end we really split up for good, I will always appreciate everyone's kindness here in my time of need.
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"Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted in something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained." [Marie Curie]
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