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posted: 03/12/12 at 1:12 AM
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I'm not trying to say he's controlling, and I'm glad you guys talked (and hopefully he does chill), but sometimes guys who are controlling start out small then move on to more and more things and before you know it you have no more friends and you doubt your every move and you have no clue how it happened! 
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posted: 03/12/12 at 1:27 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by banarabbyt1
I'm not trying to say he's controlling, and I'm glad you guys talked (and hopefully he does chill), but sometimes guys who are controlling start out small then move on to more and more things and before you know it you have no more friends and you doubt your every move and you have no clue how it happened!
I have trouble understanding this...a controlling person starts out small, but it has a habit of being controlling at everything and not just in 1 specific area. Just because he has voiced his concern does not make him Controlling, or psychotic, all it does is it's making him be more careful. All, in this post I've read was for the OP to just walk away. Is that the answer to the problems, just bail when there is an opinion expressed that you do not agree with?
Everyone has insecurities and controlling tendencies in one way or another that's what makes a human being. I find that the advice was not fair at all to this thread. It's kind of sad.
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posted: 03/12/12 at 9:52 AM
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A person who is uncertain yet as to how far they can push will indeed start out small and then get progressively more controlling. Its a way of grooming them to accept more ontrol. Soon the victim thinks it's perfectly normal to have her/his every move policed.
I'm not sure if the OP should break up with him as I don't think we have enough information to determine how far this guy will go. The OP is the best judge of that, and from reading her post i think she's got a good head on her shoulders. But it is a warning flag, and I hope she keeps it in mind.
If he can't accept you having male friends on Facebook, I find it very likely he won't accept male friends at all. I also disagree that pet names are inappropriate. Good friends calling each other "hun" or "sweetie" is perfectly innocent- so why should it be made out to be a big crime? If you doubt your partner so much that you ate jealous of good friends, then you shouldn't be with them. That kind of insecurity is what I feel is sad.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
Last edited by blondgrrl on 03/12/12 at 10:05 AM
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posted: 03/12/12 at 3:56 PM
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FB is "relatively" new & it's brand new to him. It conveys a false sense of intimacy & that can be overwhelming. I'm going to err on the side of saying that your new guy just doesn't know what to do with the info he's receiving & he's acting badly. If you see an inkling of this IRL, run b/c then he is a controlling jerk & you don't need that.
If you have spoken to him & he's willing to change, encourage him to expand his on line circle. He has to have some friends IRL that he could friend on FB. Once he sees their posts & perhaps starts making a few of his own, he should calm down.
If possible, introduce him to the friend who calls you hon. The unknown is scary & you & this guy have history. Once new BF sees the friendly, not romantic, relationship, he should get more secure.
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posted: 03/14/12 at 4:38 AM
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I'm glad to hear you're standing your ground. Let me be responsible for overcoming his fears and anxieties, because you cannot rescue him from them even if you try. The more you change you to appease him, the more it reinforces a lesson that his acting up will get him his way.
Even if he doesn't control you (and I see where this could be a control thing, but could also be him just being fearful), how long will you be ok with him having these fears all the time?
And by the way, no you did not create the situation by inviting him to FB. Those insecurities are there whether he's on the Internet or not. Facebook merely gives him an opportunity to show that side of himself that you might not have seen until after you moved.
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Read no-nonsense articles about love, relationships, dating, and marriage at jellygator.hubpages.com.
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posted: 03/14/12 at 11:38 AM
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I could be wrong but I'm getting the impression that your bf is a loner with few or no close friends. The fact that he closely watches your Facebook activity and is so quick to respond with his questions about what you post on there tells me that he probably doesn’t have much in the way of outside interests or hobbies to occupy his time. All these things coupled with his insecurity fit perfectly into the profile of a jealous, controlling person. I have a hunch that he has felt insecure for a long time and this was not simply triggered by his ex’s cheating.
All these things together create a huge red flag. I have witnessed similar situations many times and they never have a happy ending. I’ve never known of anyone who was jealous and controlling to become tolerant and understanding. Controllers only change their strategies--their modes of operation, not their nature or character.
If I were in your shoes, I would bail out. I have a lot of male friends and associates and I could not tolerate even a small degree of jealousy from my S/O.
Knowing that you do want to stay in the relationship, my advice is to stand firm on this issue and do not keep on giving him endless chances to further repeat his jealous behavior.
Healthy relationships are characterized by a willingness between the two people to understand and accept each other's individuality. This requires the mutual respect for each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interests.
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Lydia
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"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance."
–Amanda McBroom: The Rose
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posted: 07/28/12 at 6:50 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by GenuineLuv915
Update: He did turn out to be very controlling. In fact he broke my whole self esteem up to the point I want to die.
I posted the rest of the story under "loneliness" called Ive hit rock bottom.
Im just so shattered right now. Please help me...anyone.
So sorry to read this. I will check your other thread to see what happened.
Hang in there.
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posted: 07/28/12 at 7:06 PM
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I read your other post, it was obvious you overlooked some of the warning signs with this man, but I can't say this is completely your fault. You are vulnerable at this point and I suggest you take care of yourself, its not your fault hes a piece of shit.
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, you did the right thing by leaving him when he hit you. I would urge you very much to NOT go back in a moment of weakness no matter how sweet, apologetic or kind he becomes. Nothing in this world will stop him from hitting you again if he hit you once. None of the feelings of happiness and ego stroking in his apologize will wash this pain away either if you go back. But if you stay strong and build yourself back up again, you will overcome this and be much better off, by yourself. This is the time to show yourself that you are brave and you can do this on your own.
Its a good thing you have family to go to in this horrible time, Im sorry this happened to you. I think you need to sit down with your mother and ask her to be more supportive because you are hurting and need your mother to be there for you. Tell her to lay off a bit as you try to work through getting back on your feet.
I got to ask though...did he help you move at all? 6 K in moving fees? You figure a man who loves you would at least help pay some of those expenses if you are moving cross country for him. Why did you take the load?
As for you credit card bills, how much interest does it add on a month? If you are paying the bare minimum, you will never pay enough. I dont know how much you make a month, but while you are living with your mom...you should sock as much onto your credit card each month as possible while being able to sustain yourself. Forget saving money right now...if your bill adds 5OO dollars ontop every month...I suggest you at least drop 6OO. You may not be able to go out for a while...but consider it a temporary pain in the ass. You have to pay more than your interest is adding on to knock your bill down to a manageable level like 1OOO. You may need to pick up a second part time job just for that purpose. Since you are living with her...this will not only get you out of the house more so she wont bug you, but it can be temporary and help put yourself in a maneageable position. You will need to sit down and look at your statements to figure out what you need to do.
"Im 32, no kids, no love, have 1 cat and living with mom again. I feel like my life totally sucks right now and not where I want to be."
Thank the stars you have no kids with this man...can you imagine being chained with this guy forever? You still have time to have kids with a man that loves and cares about you. You don't need this kind of love from such a horrible man...you need love from a stable, kind gentleman that will treat you right. You also are forgetting you have the love of your family...that is worried about you.
Living with your mom is only temporary, so consider it a nice visit home [as nice as i can be...] and an opportunity to find some bonding time with your mother. We all take left turns some times and I think the big mistake here was not moving when you were ready to handle the expenses [getting in debt], heading to the warning signs of a very jealous man [it is ok for people to feel insecure at times, but the way you described him would be enough for anyone to go "wtf? are you shitting me?"], and then moving in completely with him. What would have been better is if you established your own place and dated from there. Moving in so quickly had hindered your ability to remove yourself from heated situations.
Either way, I would say, thank the heavens you are alive, and in the safety of your family, this was not meant to be. He was horrible to put you through such turmoil and I hope you recover from this fully and not lose your faith in men. There are a lot of wonderful men out there that will never hurt you or desire to control you either. I always appreciated a guy that had no desire to check up on me and you should too. I wish you a happy recovery...the road is long and painful, but you will only become stronger from this experience.
*hugs* cheer up dear, tomorrow is always a brand new day.
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 07/28/12 at 10:40 PM
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Fair, thank you so much for you words of encouragement and advice. Im just so empty right now. I did try my hardest with him. I moved 2500 miles to be closer to him (and my family). I gave up Facebook for him. I know that sounds childish but I only used Facebook cause my friends are so far away and some are overseas. Its cheaper, quicker and it was convenient. I never used it to flirt or anything more. Im a VERY loyal woman.
I will work hard on paying my bills fast. I just feel that everything is going to slow right now. I feel that time is taking forever. I will make larger payments & try to save as much as possible so I can get my own place. What makes all this even harder is that I have no friends here at all. I dont know how to just go out and meet people. Ive always had my own crew and was very social. Now I just feel kinda silly right now going out for a drink or have dinner by myself.
I'll try to hang in there. Im just very alone right now. Id do anything just to have a great guy in my life. Ive never asked for much, just want love.
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