A collection of love, romance and relationships resources including advice, poetry, quotes, dedications, chat, horoscopes, romantic ideas, message boards, free love postcards and much more!!
What's New Today on LYC...
Monthly Romance Calendar
Forum Quick Links:   Forum Home   |   My Home Page   |   My Inbox   |   My Calendar   |   Find Members   |   FAQ   |   Terms  
Popular Forums:   LYC Chat   |   Love Advice   |   Sexually Speaking   |   Military Spouses   |   Online Romance   |   Ask A Male   |   LDR   |   Holidays  
Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > Dating a PhD student
Dating a PhD student posted: 10/16/11 at 11:55 AM
gypscy_mc  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 12
 Group: New Member 
 Joined: Apr 2011
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
I've been on five dates with a PhD student I met about a month ago. In between the times we see each other though, we rarely communicate...probably about one text a week that he usually initiates. He also usually initiates the dates (I initiated only one). The dates themselves have been fun (he also usually pays) but I also feel like they're going backwards. We made out on the first date, but the last few dates have ended up with hugs. On the last date he asked me what I was looking for in terms of dating, and he told me that this was probably all the free time that he was going to get because of his studies, but that he'd still like to hang out occasionally. We then talked about our past relationships.

I keep coming across the same "If a guy really likes a girl, then he'll go after her" and that he's therefore just making an excuse to not see me. But really, does this apply also for PhD students who are so obviously entrenched/motivated by their studies? I know what it's like to get caught up in school and feeling like not having time for anything else, even for friends, so it doesn't seem extremely odd to me that what he said was true. But I keep coming across the same adamant argument that a guy will always make time for a girl if he's truly interested.

Any thoughts? My ultimate question is this:
Is it likely that he said that he was too busy as an excuse to not see me?

Last edited by gypscy_mc on 10/17/11 at 1:19 PM

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/16/11 at 12:13 PM

Runda  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 95
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Feb 2011
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
About half the people I know are doctoral students and none of them avoid relationships. All are either in or quite open to relationships and don't appear to have unmanageable issues balancing their time. This is just anecdotal though, I suppose behavior may vary between disciplines and certainly between different personality types. Aso come to think of it all of the PhD/DrPH students I know are in their 30's (and also manage to work part or full time) and perhaps that has something to do with it. It seems as though maybe your guy doesn't want anything beyond a casual relationship at this point.

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/16/11 at 1:53 PM

fair_is_fair  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 6238
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Nov 2008
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
Well the same can be applied the other way around, if you really like him you would make an effort initiate more, etc. Its a two way street. Either way, his last commentary of "Im going to be busy but would like to hang out occasionally" sounds iffy at best. It could mean two different situations. On a positive note, it could be an encouraging gesture that he would like to continue seeing you, but also a warning that his availability is going to be limited. On a negative note, it could also mean he is not into you as much. Personally I would stick with the positive unless you feel he is not making any such efforts anymore to attempt to interact with you.

----------
When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/16/11 at 5:43 PM

blondgrrl  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 7126
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Feb 2008
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
If you want a bf who has oodels of free time and wants to spend all of it with you, then this is not your guy regardless of how he feels about you.

You need to believe what he says. He wants a relationship without a lot of pressure from you to spend time together. This type of relationship is good for someone who doesn't need a lot of attention, and can feel secure despite not seeing each other daily. Irregardless of whether you'd label this "serious" or not, you have to realize it's the price of admission for dating this guy. The question is if you can accept that.

----------
Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence.
-Christopher Hitchens

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/16/11 at 9:42 PM

tomie  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 460
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Aug 2011
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
If man is really into you,he will have time for you. Not like 24hrs day,but enough time to sustain relationship. The time will favour both of you. What i don't understand is why he doesn't communicate during the time you guyz are apart? Thank God for communication network it brings someone far away close to you.
Back to your question,improve on communication with him and see how it goes.

----------
One good turn deserves another.

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/16/11 at 10:52 PM

Descension  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 1462
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Feb 2010
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
What is he studying?

If he's studying 4 things, and he's in the last portion and presenting his thesis then yeah he is probably swamped.

If he's getting a PhD in something relatively calm and he's in his 2nd year....eh...he has a BIT more time then he is letting on.

Not much more, but more.

He sounds fancy.

----------

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/17/11 at 12:31 AM
misty625  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 10620
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Nov 2004
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
5 dates in a month is better than one date a week, plus texting that he initiates in between. That really doesn't seem too bad, imo. I personally admire folks who maintain a healthy balance of their work, friends, and the rest of their lives with relationships early on. What would be your ideal amount/frequency of contact and dates?

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/17/11 at 2:52 AM
gypscy_mc  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 12
 Group: New Member 
 Joined: Apr 2011
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
Ah, maybe I should clarify my question a bit:

I'm not complaining that we don't see each other enough. I'm wondering more about the reasons why we don't really see each other that often and why we don't communicate that often. If the reason is truly because he is busy with his studies, then that's all fine by me. I think it's quite admirable and I would think that he SHOULD spend more time on his studies. I'm a graduate student myself, though not a PhD candidate, and would not be able to afford spending more than a couple nights a week together.

BUT if the reason is that he's not interested, then ,well, obviously I'd just like to move on and forget about him.

@Runda: Thanks for your response. This guy is 25. I think I can understand PhD students in their 30s having relationships...did they have time before they started their program to somewhat settle down and find someone?

@fair_is_fair: Thanks for your optimism. Yeah, to me his comment seems to present those two interpretations as well. The reason I haven't been initiating contact more is because I don't know how he feels. If he's not interested, I don't want to make myself seem clingy and annoying. At this point, I'm just waiting to see if he'll walk the talk and try to hang out with me again.

@blondgrrl: Haha, no I do not want a boyfriend who's going to have all the time in the world and wants to spend it all with me. To me that is an immediate turn-off. I need my own space and would prefer a guy who is doing something with his life. I would not mind seeing each other just once a week, since that is all I can afford myself at this moment.

That said, I think it does matter how he feels about me. I don't want to give myself a false sense that he is interested, leading me to become disappointed at some point.

@tomie: Yes, that is also what I'm wondering. It's actually been a week since we last communicated in any way. Again, my concern is not that this is not enough communication, but whether this is his way of telling me that he's not interested.

@Descension: This is his first year as an engineering PhD. Anything science/math related seems like it would be extremely time-consuming, but this is because I am more of a liberal arts person.

@Misty625: As I said, one date a week is fine with me. If we go two weeks without seeing each other because he simply has no time, then that's fine with me also. I agree that balance is absolutely necessary.

Thank you all for your responses. I guess at this point it's all speculation...if it's the case that he's not interested, I just don't understand why it took him five dates to allude it. I just have to be patient and see what happens, I guess.

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/17/11 at 3:50 AM

TheStupid  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 2740
 Group: Member 
 Joined: Jul 2006
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
It really comes down to figure out what YOU want. If all this is fine with you, by all means. :-) If you are not fine with it, then you need to look for something that meet your requirement.

----------
Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
posted: 10/17/11 at 4:19 AM

Cloud1212  [more]
IP: Logged
 Posts: 1668
 Group: Forum moderator 
 Joined: Jun 2006
 Status: OFFLINE
Make Buddy | PM User
quote:
Originally posted by gypscy_mc
I'm wondering more about the reasons why we don't really see each other that often and why we don't communicate that often.


If you had 5 dates in less than a month, I doubt he isn't interested. By default doctoral students are quite busy, so he wouldn't put time into meeting someone if he had no interest.

quote:
On the last date he asked me what I was looking for in terms of dating, and he told me that this was probably all the free time that he was going to get because of his studies, but that he'd still like to hang out occasionally.


Therein lies your answer I suspect. He has been honest with you as to how much time he can provide and has even asked you what you were looking for so there isn't any misunderstanding between the two of you regarding expectations, sounds like a man with good intentions. The question isn't whether he is interested or not, the question is whether this arrangement is a good match for you.

----------
"A life with love will have many thorns, but a life without love will have no roses." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I am persuaded that every time a man smiles - but much more so when he laughs - it adds something to this fragment of life."
- Laurence Sterne

"Wherever your life ends, it is all there. The advantage of living is not measured by length, but by use; some men have lived long, and lived little; attend to it while you are in it. It lies in your will, not in the number of years, for you to have lived enough."
- Michel de Montaigne

click to: respond to this topic

Options: Reply To Topic | Start New Topic | Edit Message | Quote Message | Report Abuse
More On Page: (1) 2 3 »

 

Notice: Use this form ONLY if you are already a member! New users, register for free here!
Notice: This is our quick reply form, for all reply options such as smilies, HTML and more, click here!
Fast Reply:
Your User Name:    Want to register?
Your Password:    Forgotten your password?
Subject: (Optional)
Show Signature: include your profile signature.
 Notice: By submitting to this site, you agree to these terms of use.
Forum Options:
· Save this topic to my favorites (subscribed)!

· Email this topic to a friend!
Rate This Thread:

Back To: Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > Dating a PhD student

 

LOVINGYOU.COM SITE MAP
LOVE:  Communication | Affairs | Dating | Getting Serious | Getting Married | Break Ups | Loving Yourself | Support Groups | Dear Love
ROMANCE:  Romance 101 | Ideas | Date Nights | Recipes for Two | Romantic Travel | Craft Ideas | Holidays & Celebrations
PASSION:  Lovemaking 101 | Passion Play | Loverotica | Ask Aphrodite | Pillow Talk
INSPIRATION:  Love Poetry | Love Letters | Love Quotes | Love Stories | Dedications | Printables | Lovescopes | eCards
   Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Contact Us | Writer's Guidelines | Suggestions

Lovingyou.com, Inc.SM All rights reserved.

Message board powered by vBulletin. Copyright ©2000, 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Limited.

SheKnows Lifestyles