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posted: 10/13/11 at 12:30 AM
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i think you fell in love and were too shy to tell her, and she wasn't quite fair to you all along. She did tell you right at the start that she wasn't interested in a relationship but she flirted with you and talked about sex with you and because of the genuine kind of person you are you were mislead by that. Some girls can talk about stuff like like that just for thrills - they can kind of separate talking about sex and having a relationship entirely. Or she could have been talking to you kind of like she was talking to a diary, if you get what I mean.
I am not sure if the photos are relevant to what happened or not. Whiel she was talkign to you, she met someone else, someone who was nto as shy as you and spoke out and took a chance.
I think what you can take from thsi experience is to realise it is better to take a chance and speak out when you feel that romantic attraction, in the early stages, and see if the woman has a simila rresponse. if you don't gather up the confidence and speak out when you feel there is something more than what there is said to be between you, then you miss the moment going past. theer are other people in the world.
I do not know if there was a moment when she would have been receptive to your attraction to her, but if there was it would have been much earlier on, during those times when she was talking to you about sex etc. She may however have been interested in sex but not a relationship at those times anyway.
I think you shouldn't question your sanity or your capability. You should decide to learn from what has been a very bitter and upsetting experience for you as best as you can. Decide what you can do differently another time.
I think she has stopped all contact with you as it is best for you. You need to realise it is over. Whatever might have been between you two will not be now.
Anyone in love would be as disappointed and hurt as you were- it is not abnormal. It would perhaps have been better to be more self-disciplined than to send her perverted stuff, however if she often talked to you about stuff like this but didn't encourage you to talk that way too, then maybe I can see why you did it, apart from hurt and anger.
Online sex is very easy to find. It is a lot harder to find love and a truly lasting meaningful partnership with a woman you love. If teh chatroom you met her in was one weher epeopel pick each othe rup for online sex then it is unlikely she ever wanted a meaningful lasting relationship with you.
Why not try looking for a woman in a forum which discusses the kinds of things which interest you and sharing yoru interests and opinions with her- that might work out better.
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posted: 10/13/11 at 5:06 PM
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Wow, what did you expect? By the time you opened your mouth to her about her feelings, she was in a relationship with someone else? Most people let the cat out of the bag quite a bit sooner when they begin to 'feel' something for someone. It's a lot easier to turn off those feelings if you have to earlier on rather than later, after you've already developed those feelings.
Also, texting her to tell her that you are thinking of 'hurting' yourself is a surefire way to turn anyone off. It's called emotional manipulation...would it have made you feel better if she called and begged you not to hurt yourself and tell you that she'd break up with her boyfriend for you?!
Bottom line is, you can't make someone love you. And truth be told, it's much better for the object of your desire to be open and honest about how they feel -- and I think she pretty much did that once you revealed your feelings for her. She thought that you and she had a friendship and that was that. It's unfortunate that you thought it was more than that but it wasn't. Yes, it hurts but it's a right of passage. And as all of us who have been hurt in love (pretty much everyone!), life DOES go on and you do eventually get over it. Dwelling on it isn't going to change it. Accept your role in the whole debacle and move on. Learn from your mistakes.
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posted: 10/13/11 at 5:09 PM
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Brendan,
Congratulations on graduating...!!!
Number one, I am sorry you feel hurt and as incredulous as it seems so many of us can and do inexplicably get caught up in online emotions... unbeknownst to ourselves the oldest and the brightest of people- meaning intelligence nor life experience can not protect one from the involvement or the fall out.
I have been burnt once from it- So my sympathies go out to you.
Online friends or loves is a very different thing from every day, in person, friendship or love. When we meet in person we get all kinds of cues as to whether we have instant or slow burning chemistry or no chemistry at all- we also have friendships that are ones tested over time- backed up by who has your back and who walks away and a knowing.
Online doesn't allow for the knowing- it isn't too difficult to proclaim deep friendship or feelings and never have to really be there for another, except behind some screen in an almost other world dimension. So you don't get to see all the visual cues that could draw you in or repulse you. All you get is a lot of words fueled by the limits of your own imagination.
When anyone of the opposite sex asks you for 'more' pictures' after you have already sent several it is usually a sign that they are either trying to find one they like or that they like how you feel to them but can't seem to fit the words and those feelings to the pictures they already have-
Also even if the pictures are well received and I can't see when she said she missed the glasses or the facial hair (how did that feel like something unacceptable to you or critical?)I see it as just a comment that she likes you more in the pics where you have glasses and/or facial hair but I think intuitively you already knew she didn't feel that spark with you- nothing to do with how you looked- it just wasn't there- and even with it being there in the pictures and the emails and the phone calls if you had met it could still either be there or not. It is a very, very fragile state of being- sometimes it works and other times it falls flat.
I also think that even when it works, it then becomes something else of a challenge- the online relationship becomes the LDR (if it is a distance) and that requires funds and trust and patience and the ability to wait and make goals to eventually be together- in other words, even if it had worked initially for the two of you- how would it then work?
I think it good you have friends and seem to have paved a life away from her too...well done on that.
I would say that hours spent talking to someone online is fine if you have no investment in it if it;s just to while away the hours but to talk to someone for long periods of time is eventually going to create a bond- it is normal what you are going through and feeling. I would say to try to not be too harsh on yourself and try not to label yourself with all these labels, as aside from all of those meaningless designations assigned to you, you are a lot of other labels too- compassionate, kind, caring, inquisitive, sensitive, feeling, thoughtful human being- now those are real labels and you are a really good communicator with words..... and a college graduate!!
I don't think it has anything much to do with the pictures- it has to do with your expectations being crushed and opening up some wounds already there- think of her as more of a catalyst to heal.
I think many of us have gone through 'it' feeling we have found our soul mate- not even considering how inane we are to delve in without meeting- And then the reality hits home and we wake up from our dream-
Also keep in mind, you saw her pics and based on her looks you found her hot- what if she appeared plain Jane to you- or ugly Betty would you still have had the same responses- what would you have done?
She liked you for a time-she shared her precious time with you too- it was mutual.... You served a purpose for each other- you were a captive audience after her relationship broke up and you helped her through it but all she ever wanted to be was a quasi friend-
You wanted more. Often in life we don't get more- we have to make do with the vanilla ice cream cone without the sprinkles.
Again, I am sorry you are hurting.......
Last edited by jenniferj on 10/13/11 at 5:20 PM
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posted: 10/13/11 at 9:56 PM
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Here is what I think happened. You came across a young woman coming out of a 5-6 year relationship on the rebound. She needed attention and she found it in you. You have no experience with relationships so you were unable to recognize the red flags.
You took her attention as demonstration of feelings which were not. She had been straight forward with you from the beginning, she was not looking for a relationship, she was just coming out of one, and she also said she was talking to other online friends she was looking into meeting in real life. Everything you read as a sign of 'feelings': the sex talk, I miss you, her initiating contact were really just what friends say and do.
Slowly she got over her ex and needed you less. You said yourself you noticed she started losing interest before seeing your other pictures.
I think your insecurities are making you believe it's all related to your pictures. Saying she prefers you with a beard, or with glasses has nothing to do with liking your looks or not. Your insecurites concluded to that.
The way you reacted after she was gone, harassing her over the text, the language you used, the threats of hurting yourself, has put a definite stop to your friendship with her.
We ALL at one point were into someone that was not into us. There is a lesson to learn from it. In everything that happens to us WE have a responsibility. Have you identify why you are responsible for how you feel today?
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posted: 10/14/11 at 12:45 AM
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I'd first say yes at some point we've been in your shoes, phook I was in REAL online relationship with a guy for ONE YEAR before he just disappeared on me. Gail and jennifer up here have their shares of problem with guys online too. I could tell you this,MUCH WORSE THAN YOURS!so I'd start saying WE KNOW where you're coming from but,
I am with others that from your post, I do NOT see any sign that this girl was interested in your romantically. I am married and my husband knows for sure that I am flirty and talks about sex and porn a lot too but it doesn't mean anything. and I'd also point out picture. when I was in online world, I always tried to update my picture. why? because I was in the other side of the end where a guy showed me a picture of him looking a lot younger than he was when we actually met. as much as people want to say appearance does not matter,it does. if this girl is 600 pounds, you wouldn't be here writing this.
About your messages that she didn't return, If I were in her shoes,I'd do exactly the same. Not because I don't care whether you're alive or dead but I can NOT be hold responsible for what happens to you and I am a firm believer that you can NEVER love someone until you know HOW to love yourself. why? because I've witnessed it in my friend's marriage where her depression drags her husband down faster than it sinks her . I believe if someone loves me, if his life is in a living hell ,he would not want me to be in it until he fixes it or at least recognizes it and ADMITS it's WRONG to throw the D card on me whenever he wants and expects me to be the 'understanding partner'. When I was living and battling with my bone tumor and went for one surgery after another,I didn't have a single bf (well there was one that walked out on me in my surgery day but hey it was just a date). why? I didn't love myself. I came to conclusion at one point that if i didn't love myself, I couldn't expect anyone else to be attracted or even love me because it means that poor person has to hold my hands and keep reassuring me that I am loved and pretty and attractive and he wants to phook me bunches, and for me, that's my responsible to KNOW that before I am jumping in a relationship.
what she said to you about how she 'prefer' certain things in your picture has NOTHING to do with you think you're just being 'unattractive'. The way I see it,she was just trying to make a conversation with you but mann I've been in her shoes. it's hard to communicate with someone who has deep insecurity and depression . it's like you have to be careful to what you say or you're doomed. it's suddenly my fault he wanted to kill himself over something I said.
My conclusion is, it's not HER fault your life is living hell right now. you made it her fault because sometimes, just sometimes it's a lot easier to have 'someone' to blame for our problems. you've never met her so EVERYTHING that happened to you, your brain processed it. she has left you alone for a long long time yet you're the one who goes to 'search' and 'cause' that pain and problems for yourself.
I would also say even though she loves you, I don't see you both working out at all. I mean LOOK AT THE TEXTS YOU LEFT HER!just coz you THOUGHT she thought you're unattractive, it led to a longdickdong series of issues you have so no,
you can NOT do online/long distance especially from two different continents.
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To the question of u'r life, u r the only answer. To the problems of u'r life, u r the only solution.
Nobody is perfect and I am nobody. That's why, i am perfect.
Last edited by Riri Kyusai on 10/14/11 at 12:56 AM
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posted: 10/14/11 at 1:46 AM
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I agree with the others here, and I want to add something - imagine the roles were reversed.
You come out of a long relationship and you're a bit lost as to what to do with yourself. You meet someone online who you appreciate talking to, with whom you can have long talks about everything. You tell them you don't want a relationship and they seem fine with that. You call each other on the phone, exchange pictures, but in the meantime someone else enters your life. Now that you've healed and you have a nice friend that helped you out, you can let yourself have feelings for that new person. You spend a bit more time with the new person hoping something develops. Then bam, your old friend tells you they had feelings for you. They then accuse you of judging them on their looks (it could have been normal friendly banter over pictures, as riri mentioned), send perverted texts and threaten to hurt themselves. By this point you're so confused as to what brought this about that you prefer not to get involved; after all you are not to be held accountable for the actions of someone who you told at the beginning you weren't looking for anything.
I don't want to be mean, but I hope you see my point. While you see all her actions as hurtful and centered around you (you thought she didn't care about you), see it from her point of view - her friend turned around, confessed feelings, sent perverted texts and threatened to kill himself. I'd be pretty overwhelmed too.
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RIP Rodger Swan 19/12/86 - 26/01/10
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posted: 10/24/11 at 9:14 PM
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Some interesting news to report... I'm so surprised (in a pleasant way), but I actually received a message from her on Facebook. She said she forgives me and wants me to take care of myself and live a happy life, followed by "goodbye." I was shocked...so I sent a message back thanking her, telling her that her forgiveness was so special to me. I ended by telling her to have a wonderful life and saying goodbye. It's just so unexpected... I don't know what to think. I'd sent a message to one of her friends spilling everything, saying I still loved her and was struggling without her to talk to. It was a very long message... but I didn't expect anything back from it and ended up saying I was giving up and saying goodbye at the end. I think the girl I love had me blocked on facebook before that, but she unblocked me to send the message...only to block me again a few days later (her picture disappeared and her name went black in the message), which really hurt at first...but, what can I expect? I do love her, but I'm really wanting to move on for good and respect her life. I want her to live a peaceful life that is completely separate from me. I don't want her to ever have to think of this experience again. I just want her to be happy with her partner. I'm just unsure whether or not this forgiveness is genuine... I was doubting it at certain points in the days following our contact, but I hope it was real.
Margery - thanks for the reply and suggestions.
jenniferj - thanks for your kind words, but I think I took the comments about my pictures as finding fault with me. In the context, I could sense that she was judging or criticizing me. Before that, she hadn't ever mentioned a single thing or taken away from my appearance in any way. It definitely didn't seem like it was meant as positive reinforcement. Also, what I felt toward her wasn't based on her looks. I'd likely have felt the same if she was plain and didn't look as pretty. I do know that nothing could change the way I feel about her now. I'll always have a place in my heart for her. She could be lacking a face completely and I'd still love her, and I'd still be interested. And when I like someone their weight doesn't matter to me at all...not even a little bit. Granted, in the beginning looks sometimes matter, but once my feelings have progressed past a certain point it truly doesn't matter what happens to someone's looks. I really loved her personality and the fact that she seemed genuinely nice. And she was very mature beyond her years. All these things were extremely endearing. I didn't need looks to be attracted. Again, I think looks can matter, it's just that online sometimes you're able to probe beyond that more easily.
I should mention that she told me that she wasn't looking for a relationship about a month and a half into our friendship (I already liked her by then), and this was in a conversational setting...meaning she was commenting on it, but I almost feel like I didn't take it as ruling me out directly. I should have taken it that way, I know, but I held out hope for a long time because I loved her so much.
I also figured she didn't know me enough and I should have been better about asserting myself in the beginning. In any case, I know now that nothing could have ever happened. and I always did know intuitively that she didn't have anything for me in the way of real feelings. I think she thought of me as an acquaintance to talk to once in a while...kind of like spilling things to someone who won't judge - no matter what it is you tell them. It's the way Margery described it ... like she was talking to me as a diary. Actually, that's a perfect description.
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I completed my profile!
Last edited by brendanc238 on 10/24/11 at 9:26 PM
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