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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Female > Has a man raised his hand against you?
Has a man raised his hand against you? posted: 03/18/11 at 9:44 AM

bialy  [more]
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About a month ago, a guy gripped my wrists tightly and prevented me from leaving his house. He did eventually let me go, but not before he pushed me a bit and became verbally ugly. I never reported the incident.

Just recently, I was reminded that most cases of domestic violence aren't reported to the police, just like mine.

Has anyone here had a man raise his hand against you? How did you handle the situation? Did you call the police? Were you too shocked to do anything? Did you put up a fight?

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posted: 03/18/11 at 10:12 AM

eft505k  [more]
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my ex got violent once or twice... I was shocked, but I mostly just made myself small and cooperative. I did not file a report - it would have complicated matters with my employer to have legal entanglements while I was being vetted for security clearances.

However, my situation was slightly atypical because it happened so close to my exit from the relationship and I had already filed for divorce... the first prompted me to leave earlier than usual. The second instance was after my brother helped me move out - my ex accused me of sleeping with him.

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posted: 03/18/11 at 10:28 AM

fair_is_fair  [more]
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Never. My last ex was a bit violent towards objects though like he punched the walls once and he threw his xbox controller down the stairs. But nothing towards me, I was honestly not afraid of him but it was a bit of a concern on how he could do that. I guess Ive been lucky, no one has ever forced me or grabbed me in any sense of the manner. I think its because they may realize I may fight back being a martial artist for 8 years, I tend to naturally reflex if some one tries to strike me even in play. Although its been quite a while since I did any kind of martial arts so I wouldnt think I would be that good at it anymore, but the instincts to block and strike are still there.

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posted: 03/18/11 at 12:36 PM

blondgrrl  [more]
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I think nearly every woman has experienced this to some extent.

My ex husband once slapped me in the face during an argument. I remember falling onto the bed, and him leaning over as if to slap me again. I kicked him hard in the stomach and he fell back.

So fvck yes, I fought back.

His mother, who lived downstairs from us, heard us and came running up. She started yelling at him, and comforted me. He left the house for several hours. When he came back, I made it very clear to him- if he EVER touched me again, one or both of us were going to the hosptial. I meant it- and he knew it. After that, he grabbed my arm a couple of times, but one look made him back off.

Looking back, I think I was too easy on him. If that happened now, I would not have cried in his mother's arms. I would have jumped up and attacked him with whatever was lying around handy to hit with. Then I would have throw his a$$ out of the apartment. That would have been the end of the relationship. Now that I look back, I really think he felt superior to me and didn't see that it was wrong to use physical force. I should have left him then and there. Ah well. Hindsight is always 20-20! At least he never tried to hit me again.

As for pressing charges, well...in the US you'd be able to get the help of the police if necessary, and press charges. Unfortunately, the Japanese police aren't that enlightened. The one experience I with them (a friend of mine was punched by a guy in a bar) was really bad (they blamed her and didn't do ANYTHING) so I don't trust them at all, which is why I didn't bother calling the police in the next incident I'll describe.

A few years back, I was out with my ex gf in the gay district of Tokyo. I was making a phone call standing just outside of a gay bar, on the landing between the first and second floors. She's pretty loud...she was yelling something up at me, when a big gym queen came out of the bar upstairs. He yelled, "Shut the fck up!" and grabbed me by the shirt. I grabbed him (mostly because he nearly knocked me down) then he slapped me in the face and pushed me so that I fell down the short flight of steps to the next landing.

LOL...yes, again I fought back. It's in my nature.

I got up, ran back up the stairs, and kicked the door of the bar in. He came rushing back out, and there I was, poised with my fists up. Of course, I was no match for him. He just slapped me and pushed me back down the stairs.

LOL..I remember yelling at my friend to give me her knife, saying I was going to kill that mvtherfvcker, blah blah blah. Wisely, she apologized to him and got me out of there. That was the end of that!

Third time (and last) a man on the subway platform shoved me. This was only about a week ago. He thought that I was cutting in line in front of him, so he put his hand on my chest and gave me a big shove to push me out of line. I was FURIOUS but just yelled at him in English, letting him make the next move. If he had come at me, I would have fought him, but he just got back in line . LOL...lucky him, because obviously, I have a really hot temper when I'm really upset.

He started muttering things about stupid foreigners under his breath. I got right behind him and cursed him some more in English. He finally shut up, and we boarded the train without further incident.

I've expereinced much less violence than some women, but what I have experienced has somewhat embittered me towards men. I don't blame ALL men for this pervasive patriarchial attitude of superiority over women, but I also think if more men stood up to other men and there were social consequencs to bullying women, it would happen much less often.

Note that no one in the gay bar who witnessed the guy slap me, nor anyone on the train platform that day tried to help me. Not one person.

Absolutely unacceptable.

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“Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence.”
-Christopher Hitchens

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posted: 03/19/11 at 11:14 AM

wildsnake88  [more]
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Yes, my possessive ex-bf once grabbed my arm and pulled me aside while i was talking to a male friend, i struggled to break free and it was an ugly scene, he did not slap me otherwise i swear i will call the cops, i cannot stand physical violence and abuse of any sort. I was really shaken and disappointed by his unusual behavior, to be safe.. i broke up with him. No one should suffer and put up with this violence/abuse in silence.

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posted: 03/19/11 at 4:07 PM

pickles  [more]
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Only my father...twice. But I was only 3 or 4 yrs old, so I didn't tell anyone! He was a scary man.

Luckily, no other man has ever been abusive towards me.

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In memory of LYC members Rodger Swan (aka LuckiestSwan) and Yvonne.May they rest in peace.

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posted: 03/19/11 at 7:30 PM

brokenstar85  [more]
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Twice, with the same guy. First time, we had an argument in the street after we had been to a club, and I said I was going to go home alone. He grabbed my arm and dragged me alone the road, I had bruises where his fingers had been the next day.

Second time, a few months later, he was screaming in my face, so I said to him, "Don't you f*cking shout at me!" and he slapped me across the face. Said I deserved it because I was being disrespectful. That was the beginning of the end for that relationship and we broke up a few weeks later.

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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."

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posted: 03/19/11 at 9:39 PM
SLC-bunny  [more]
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I have never been hit or slapped.

I had a serious relationship with a man that did have some anger issues. I saw him throw a couple things, but honestly I never felt in danger of being hurt my him, but it was still a little disturbing.

I have also been held/grabbed by a guy I got in a fight with. I was trying to leave his condo and he grabbed me to prevent me from going. It lasted about 15 seconds. I told him that he was hurting me and was acting like a wife beater, he immediately let go. I could have reported this incident had I wanted, but to me it was minor, AND i wasn't going to ever see him again anyway. I went as far to tell him that while I could forive the fight I would not forgive him grabbing me. I think that was a lesson for him.

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posted: 03/19/11 at 11:26 PM
misty625  [more]
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Fortunately, no, I've never felt physically threatened by a partner.

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posted: 03/20/11 at 12:08 AM

PoisonIvy13  [more]
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Yes, by almost every bf I've ever had and by some men I wasn't dating. One example was when I was in primary school; this boy in the year below beat me up everyday for around a year.

My history probably borders on the extreme. Of course, most of the instances where men have raised their hands to me has eventually lead on to sexual violence involving more than hitting. I've never reported the incidents but I have always tried to fight back, almost always unsuccessfully.

My history is fairly close to the extreme. Unfortunately, I got so used to it that I'm still wary of it happening again and security in a relationship is still a concept I struggle with three years into the only healthy and loving relationship I've ever had.

Trouble is, I'm every bit as bad as the people who hit me. Once I slapped my bf several times. I'd been out with him and my best Uni friend, we'd gone back to my friend's room for some tea before going back to my room. I passed out. Next thing I knew my bf was shouting at me, accusing of me pretending to faint for attention. I ran away, he followed. His shouting really scared me, I thought I was in danger and he was going to hurt me. I turned round and slapped him several times to get him to stop following me. I responded to danger that wasn't there. There's no way he would ever hit me but at the time I thought he would and I'll never forgive myself for slapping him. He broke down because slapping is practically the worst thing anyone can do to him; it brings back flashbacks to the days when his teacher raped him as a child.

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