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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > What is behind the 'Silent Treatment'?
What is behind the 'Silent Treatment'? posted: 02/02/11 at 1:51 AM

Gail65  [more]
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Looks like I am being given the 'silent treatment'. I never had to deal with someone doing that before and I fail to understand what is the purpose or the message it's carrying.

If you have dealt with that kind of behavior or understand it I'm looking forward to hear about it.

Thanks

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posted: 02/02/11 at 2:46 AM

McMeghan311  [more]
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My ex used to do that to me because he knew I hated it. Also, he had issues with communicating his feelings, so he would shut down rather than open up.

Sounds like he knows you are vocal and expressive and is not giving you the opportunity to defend yourself. Do you even know what he is mad about? Perhaps he doesn't agree with the recent decision you've made, and this is his way of trying to force you into changing your mind.

I always thought the silent treatment was incredibly childish. If two adults have a disagreement, they need to sort it out. Absolutely NOTHING is gained by playing games. I hope this resolves itself quickly for you, Gail. Good luck with your procedure, btw!

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Cause when I looked into your eyes and you dared to stare right back, you should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

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posted: 02/02/11 at 2:59 AM

Gail65  [more]
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I know exactly why.

We got into a heated argument, he said something hurtful (he would say it was not meant to be hurtful but it was to me ((issue was he says I am not secure enough in who I am)). I told him to F-off and hung up on him. (I know, I'm equally mature!).

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posted: 02/02/11 at 3:31 AM
misty625  [more]
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Apologize for your part in the argument- with no "but you started it..." and then let him be. If he doesn't apologize for what he said right away after you apologize, let it be, but in another day or so in a different conversation, tell him how you feel about what he said and how it wasn't helpful. Don't use your own apology as leverage ("I said I was sorry and you didn't") but just focus on his comments.

My husband I have had to come a long way with the same kind of communication issue. I am more verbal and impulsive, and he would shut down if he feels offended or like I did something "wrong", regardless of what he might have done to contribute to the situation. It is incredibly difficult, and has taken a long time for both of us. "F off" is meant to offend- not to authentically state your heartfelt hurt. I completely understand how upset you were, and it SUCKS that he said something he knew would bother you under the guise of "helping". But if you want to improve your communication and build a connection, you have to drop your dukes.

Again, it's taken a LONG time, but now my husband will often be the first to offer an apology if we have a discussion where we've both erred- sometimes it's just a "sorry things got tense" rather than a direct acknowledgement of the specific thing he said. But it's progress.

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posted: 02/02/11 at 3:39 AM

McMeghan311  [more]
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While he has a valid point that your surgery has to do with body image, it is a personal choice and you shouldn't be teased about it. Why would he think you are insecure? It sounds like he is insecure about you becoming more attractive and he is consequently projecting those feelings onto you.
After my weight loss, I would have a tummy tuck or a breast lift in a heart beat. It's because I don't enjoy the way I look naked, but I don't feel insecure at all. Personal choice for personal satisfaction.

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In fond memory of Rodger Swan. RIP, friend<3
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Cause when I looked into your eyes and you dared to stare right back, you should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

Daisypath Wedding tickers

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posted: 02/02/11 at 4:33 AM
realityfaery  [more]
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I have to admit, I'm bad with the silent treatment. Mostly because when I get angry or frustrated, words fail me when trying to express myself. So I clam up, not to be hurtful or play games at all, more to sort through my feelings and to calm down. Sort of like going for a mental walk. My husband is a lot more outspoken with his feelings, so its very irritating when I clam up. We are only human and every once and awhile you do it on purpose, but mainly I become silent so I can calm myself. What is most important is to apologize and explain why you got upset and tell him what he said was hurtful. If you try to not be confrontational about it, he should listen and hopefully apologize.

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posted: 02/02/11 at 5:30 AM

blondgrrl  [more]
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My ex used to do that to me. I'd explain very carefully to him how the silent treatment was immature, and that talking things out like adults was the best approach to solving problems. Of course he'd only continue pouting, so I'd just go read a book or watch TV until he came to me.

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“Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence.”
-Christopher Hitchens

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posted: 02/02/11 at 5:52 AM
baby07  [more]
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I think you need to let him give you the silent treatment until he is ready to talk to you about anything that's been on his mind. Sometimes the more you push them to talk to you, they'll be more reluctant to do so.
However, make sure to give him the talk that you prefer open communication and can't tolerate silent treatments.

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posted: 02/02/11 at 7:34 AM

Gail65  [more]
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About a year ago he did the same. It took 4 days for him to finally acknowledge me. I'm not proud to say that I tried to contact him each and every day and on the 4th day I was basically down to begging him.

That time, when we finally talked, I said to him 'I must have appeared like a crazy lunatic for emailing so many times'. He replied no, that I appeared like someone who cared and did not want to lose something important'.

Now I'm thinking if I let him be he will interpret this as a lack of concern.

I did apologize, twice today.

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posted: 02/02/11 at 7:47 AM
baby07  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by Gail65
About a year ago he did the same. It took 4 days for him to finally acknowledge me. I'm not proud to say that I tried to contact him each and every day and on the 4th day I was basically down to begging him.

That time, when we finally talked, I said to him 'I must have appeared like a crazy lunatic for emailing so many times'. He replied no, that I appeared like someone who cared and did not want to lose something important'.

Now I'm thinking if I let him be he will interpret this as a lack of concern.

I did apologize, twice today.



Don't fall at this trap. He is testing you how far you're willing to go until he talks to you. It gives him the ego boost by how much he's wanted and enjoys the idea that you're chasing after him.
You've apologized enough, that shows that you are concerned... the ball is on his court now. Don't let him make a game and a habit of this because he sure will pull this stuff again and again. Don't contact him anymore, let him contact you, once he sees you're not playing his game and once you be firm about it he might stop.

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