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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Male > Can't let go of past relationship
Can't let go of past relationship Question posted: 01/19/11 at 6:31 AM

Giggles42  [more]
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I have a question for someone, anyone....lol. I was very in love with a man about 12 yrs ago, and things happened and things ended up ending. I then found him again about 6 yrs ago, and we have pretty much been in contact since then, both physically and just chatting or talking, and we have met for drinks a few times.
He tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that we are just friends, but I dont believe him and I need another opinion. This man every time we talk, brings up sex, can tell me every time we had sex, what we did when we had sex, what still turns me on, where, the whole nine yards. We have had cyber and phone a few times. His wife doesnt have sex with him, medical issues from what I am told. And she has caught us having communications and things a couple of times. He tells her nothing is going on but that is not the truth.
I still love this man, and I have not been able to get on with my own personal life because of it.
Can someone please give me some advice on how to handle this? He was the best thing that ever happened to me, got me through a lot of hard times, but when I made a decision yrs ago, he didnt understand and broke things off.
Please help me!!!

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Giggles

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posted: 01/19/11 at 7:51 AM

Agirlforme  [more]
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He's got no reason to change anything about the current set up. He's got a wife at home who he loves, and then the girlfriend on the side who he gets pleasure and sexual attention from. Why would he want to do anything to ruin that? He'll keep things like this as long as he can.

So the decision is entirely up to you. You're going to have to decide if you want to eat the crumbs from the table or move on and find someone who's not taken.

Sure, he was the best thing that ever happened to you. But that was what...12 years ago? Perhaps you have never moved past that time and you should have.


I think you need to find a way to move on with your life. Waiting for this man could wind you up lonely for the rest of your life. Unless you're happy with always getting the short end of the stick.

The best way to move on from someone is to stop feeding the fire. So cutting back contact is your first step.

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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

MATH MADE EASY

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posted: 01/20/11 at 11:36 AM

TheStupid  [more]
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If you truly love this man, just accept this is the life you will have and there's no need to escape.

I re-read part of your post. You think in some way he loves you but I don't see it. Remember your sex activity? Don't put too much weight on that.

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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

Last edited by TheStupid on 01/21/11 at 10:36 AM

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posted: 01/21/11 at 2:59 PM

Giggles42  [more]
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Well I guess that is from an outside view. Why does he keep coming back to talk to me and keep in contact with me? We have not had a physical relationship in over 3 yrs. He has been caught talking to me 3 times now, and still continues to come back and still have contact with me. If someone loved their wife that much, someone that he does not have a sexual relationship with, then why would he still take that risk again of getting caught? I just want to understand? We both loved each other very much, things just happened because of stupid mistakes I made.

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Giggles

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posted: 01/21/11 at 7:03 PM

Agirlforme  [more]
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He's obviously getting something out of his relationship with you, but it's not enough to actually be with you. That's why you'll always be playing second fiddle to his wife. If he was going to leave her for you, he would have by now. He's getting something out of his marriage and then something out of you, but as I said....why would he ever want to change that situation?

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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

MATH MADE EASY

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posted: 01/22/11 at 7:54 AM

TheStupid  [more]
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I don't know what he gets out of your relationship but it is definitely not love. He would be gunning for you if he truly loved you even if he were a polygamist.

Don't try to justify it. Question is do you feel the love? If you believ what you feel is love, then stick with him and stop expecting anything else but the status quo.

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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

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posted: 01/22/11 at 2:37 PM

Giggles42  [more]
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wow some of you guys can be pretty harsh dont you think? I dont know what it is anymore actually, and I guess I am done guessing and trying at all. Its not physical that is for sure, so I am stumped...but it ends today anyway...I am bringing it to an end once and for all.

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posted: 01/22/11 at 9:24 PM

Agirlforme  [more]
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Harsh, or just able to see the situation clearly for what it really is? Love and infatuation both can cloud a persons judgment and make them think and do things that they would not do had they been looking at the situation from a emotionally detached perspective.

When it comes to men, they are very simple creatures at the core. Look at a man's actions if you want to know where is heart lies.
In your situation he's been with his wife for around 12 years. He hasn't left her for you, he's probably not going to. You're his emotional and sometimes physical squeeze on the side. So it's your decision to make if you're satisfied with that...and it looks like you're making a decision today, so good on you.

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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

MATH MADE EASY

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posted: 01/23/11 at 3:53 AM

Giggles42  [more]
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I completely understand what your saying, and like you said men are simple creatures at the core, but women are very complex. We look at things so much differently than men for most parts.
I do understand where your coming from and what your saying, and I have tried to break it off numerous times, but for some reason I cant break that bond. I dont know why, and also how to stay away. I know it is stupid, and I know I need to walk away. It has had a hold on my life for a very long time, and it probably is the reason I have been alone for such a long time.
I want that chapter of my life to close and be able to move on with my life and find that right person to spend the rest of my life with, I really do.
The other thing is that I attract married men all the time, and I dont understand why? Maybe you can give me some insight on that too?

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posted: 01/23/11 at 6:55 AM

Agirlforme  [more]
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The key to moving on is zero contact. You can remove his number from your phone, his email from list and although you cannot erase that info from your brain, you can still make the daily decision not to contact him or allow him to contact you.
I am sure that as soon as you back away he'll come hard after you...and that's where you have to be really strong, because he will start to say things he knows you want to hear. He'll start giving you an little extra nugget of hope in order to weaken you and draw you back in. He's not going to want to lose his side dish so easily and will say whatever he has to in order to keep you...but you must remember that it's part of his game. He'll still never actually commit to anything. But he'll make you think there is hope to keep you around.

I don't know you well enough to say why you happen to attract married guys, but I suspect it is something they are reading in your body language. My suggesting there is that when a man comes around you and when you find out he's married, make an effort to subdue your interest in him other than on a professional basis. These men sniff around for one little chink of weakness in the armor so you have to be cold as steel to married men to make sure they don't detect weakness and start chipping away. Like I said, you probably don't even know why, but they are reading something, so just start acting cold when married ones come around. If necessary, if you feel attraction coming on, then cut the guy off cold turkey.

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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.

There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

MATH MADE EASY

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