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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Male > Should I feel guilty?
Should I feel guilty? posted: 05/01/10 at 4:11 AM

Descension  [more]
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My boyfriend and I moved in together 12 days ago. Things are fantastic!

We've had sex every night since we moved in together, and wow, it just keeps getting better.

While we were showering together, I thanked him for the wonderful orgasms, etc.

He casually mentioned, however, that he doesn't need to have sex every night.

I took that, at the time, as a hint that we could (or should?) slow down our pace a bit from now on.

I'm hoping he meant could and not should, but I'm okay either way, I don't NEED to have sex.

This brings me to my question: I like having sex, I like having it frequently. And I've been wanting to all day today. But with him mentioning it yesterday, I'm afraid to initiate anything because I don't want him to feel obligated.

SO rather than initiating sex, I went ahead and got all dressed up today, put on his favorite outfit, did my hair the way he likes it and even put on my glasses (I'm supposed to always wear them, but I just wear them when driving).

I am HOPING he initiates things, and I won't be disappointed if he doesn't.

But, is this considered playing "mind games"? Am I being manipulative?

The last thing I want to do is encourage him to do something he doesn't want to do.

We are both the "pleaser" type. He'd have sex with me, just to please me, and I him. So I wonder if he made the comment he made as a way to let ME know...if I wanted to slow down he was cool with it.

Anyhow, thanks for reading.

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Re: Should I feel guilty? posted: 05/01/10 at 5:35 AM

Maverick91  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by Descension


But, is this considered playing "mind games"? Am I being manipulative?


In of itself, no. It may simply mean that the 'honeymoon' phase of your living arrangement is cooling off.
I think you're psyching yourself out.

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There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1

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posted: 05/03/10 at 8:48 AM

all_in  [more]
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I'd say if you can't determine which way he meant what he said than any of our guesses would be even less accurate.

But it's quite possible he would like a break every once in a while. Most guys do.

It takes a little bit of the fun and mystery out of things, but I think it would be best to flat out ask him what he meant.

I don't think what you did was playing mind games, though. I'd be flattered if I found out a girl of mine was doing that for me.

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posted: 05/03/10 at 10:06 AM

TheStupid  [more]
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1) Nobody can have sex every day. The more often you have sex, the less tasty it gets and one day it is not special anymore.
2) It is terrible that you thank him for the orgasm! It significantly lowers the value of your sexuality - not a good thing in a relationship as you may soon be viewed as less valuable. 3) it is a good idea to take a break. Make it 3 times a week and it will be delicious.

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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

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posted: 05/03/10 at 9:27 PM

Descension  [more]
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Oh sorry!

Forgot to update.

What he meant was a combination of "I'm not going to demand sex every day." and "Don't feel obligated to have sex every day."

We skipped that day (despite the dressing up ).

I didn't feel bad, though, because he'd gotten 4 hours sleep the night before AND we did a ton of grocery shopping.

Hell, even I was almost too tired.

As far as thanking him for the orgasms...he appreciates it. I can see it in his face that he appreciates it. He's the shy type, and not at a "player" who was super experienced with women (though he is dynamite in the sack). So, I will continue to say what I want to say post sex because it clearly makes him feel good!

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posted: 05/04/10 at 6:12 AM

all_in  [more]
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I think you should just let him know that the same applies to him as well -- that he shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with you just because you want it and that you're happy to take days off.

Once all that is understood, jump him whenever you want it, but don't take it personally if he's just not up to it sometimes.

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posted: 05/04/10 at 9:35 AM

TheStupid  [more]
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To have a healthy relationship, one is obligated to have sex when his/her partner wants it. Rejection can be a serious blow. Be careful about that.

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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

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posted: 05/04/10 at 9:36 AM

TheStupid  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by Descension

As far as thanking him for the orgasms...he appreciates it. I can see it in his face that he appreciates it. He's the shy type, and not at a "player" who was super experienced with women (though he is dynamite in the sack). So, I will continue to say what I want to say post sex because it clearly makes him feel good!




Just don't do it too often and keep in mind what I said. Once in a while, it's really nice and it is a big ego booster to your shy guy.

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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.

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posted: 05/04/10 at 10:14 AM

all_in  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by TheStupid
To have a healthy relationship, one is obligated to have sex when his/her partner wants it.


I respectfully disagree. Sex between my partner and me is always a mutual decision. While often one of us won't be totally in the mood for it yet still "go along for the ride" anyway, oftentimes one of us will just be either too tired/sick/agitated/preoccupied to be up for it and so will turn it down. There's never been any hard feelings about it when it's nicely suggested to postpone it for an hour or a day or two. I don't think that's unhealthy or uncommon.

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posted: 05/08/10 at 3:57 PM

qhm  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by TheStupid
To have a healthy relationship, one is obligated to have sex when his/her partner wants it. Rejection can be a serious blow. Be careful about that.


"Required" is too strong a word. I'd say it's more like "be open to it." Sometimes you might not be into it initially, but as things go along you, you get more into it. And as a bonus, you feel better after too. If you start saying no at the slightest inconvenience, it gets too easy to say no all the time.

But most people recognize that sometimes you're just too damn tired, too damn sick, too damn upset, or too damn whatever. So just doing it for the sake of doing it isn't going to be pleasant for anyone. You don't want to force the issue or feel obligated to do it anyway.

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井の中の蛙大海を知らず。

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