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Long Distance Relationships: My Guidebook posted: 11/30/09 at 6:29 AM
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Hello to all of the fine gals and guys on the LDR board here at Lovingyou. After over 4 months apart from my SO, and our upcoming winter break visit coming up very soon, I thought now would be a good time to reflect and comment on what I have learned during this experience. Being in a LDR with a caring and loving partner has allowed me to grow up and learn more about myself, and it has also allowed my relationship with my girlfriend to flourish and become stronger.
For those not familiar with my current situation, I recommend checking out a previous topic I made a few months back with some of my earlier impressions on how the relationship was going can be found here:
http://members.lovingyou.com/showth...threadid=245763
Ok, so just as a brief refresher I met my girlfriend in the fall of last year and by the end of the spring semester of our last semester in college, we were dating. Our romance got stronger over the summer, but we knew it would have to go into LDR territory when I moved from Michigan to Japan to teach English, and she moved to Massachusetts for grad school. Now, over 4 months have passed and she only has a few days left this semester and I have only 13 work days before flying home for winter break. The break will be from Dec 17th to January 7th, with a few days spent at her family’s place and 11 nights spent at my family’s place.
I mentioned that I feel that our relationship has grown and prospered over this time. How could it? What can being in a LDR do to one’s relationship to make it grow and benefit?
PROS OF BEING IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
DAILY COMMUNICATION:
My girlfriend and I regularly video chat with each other every day on Skype. With me being in Japan, it presents a 14 hour time difference, however we have made it work. Being in a LDR means having to make sacrifices, and boy have the both of us done so much to keep our relationship healthy and strong. She gets up at 6 AM on school days to talk with me when it is then 8 PM in the evening for me. So, every morning she gets to wake up to me, and I get to see her every night before I go to sleep.
On weekends, we occasionally have a bit more time, so sometimes we can skype 2 times a day, both in the morning and at night. The danger with this is that sometimes in these extended weekend sessions we might get incredibly sad and start longing for the other person like crazy. So these can be a double edged sword. When we started the long distance portion of our relationship, I felt I was more clingy and needed to chat more. It took us a bit of time to find the perfect groove and amount of time we should chat together. Yes, sometimes it sucks having to wait until late at night or having to get up early to chat, but once I see her smiling face on Skype I could not be happier.
We have made sure to let the other person know about how our day went, what our plans are for the next day, and in general we also try and keep each other informed of all the mundane, day-to-day activities of our life. This allows us to feel better connected with one another, and I think it has been a key ingredient in keeping us sane and happy. When you are so far away from the person you love, you need to feel connected with them. Telling each other about little silly things in our day, or things that might not seem all that important (a bug in the kitchen, a nice snack we had during the day, something mildly amusing a coworker/student said), but these things are integral to making sure both parties feel connected with one another.
We have also stressed to always be honest with one another and to always express how we are feeling. This means having the occasional downbeat conversation about loneliness, doubt, jealousy, or other less than desirable topics. However, I always feel stronger when my girlfriend and I have these chats (infrequent as they thankfully are). In my eyes, you have to feel like you can share anything with your partner, and so talking about issues like those mentioned above is another integral part of maintaining a good relationship. It also benefits the relationship as you will gain more honesty and trust, as well as learn more about the other person. I know my SO so much more now, than I did when we were still physically together, and I know she feels the same way about me. Communication is literally all you have in a long distance relationship, so use it to your advantage and strengthen your relationship.
SWEET SURPRISES:
Every week for the past 4 months, on every Monday (or if there was a holiday the next available business day), I have mailed a letter to my SO. She also writes me on a regular basis (though grad school has caused her to miss a few letters haha). Writing an old fashioned letter is one of the best things you can do for your partner. I know my eyes light up when I am rummaging through my mail box and I find a letter post marked from her. Everyone loves to get mail that are not bills, and it is a really sweet gesture. I write a hand written note and usually also include a bonus item or two. At the start, I had saved up some pictures of us from the summer and was including one picture with each letter. I have also included Japanese candies in October to celebrate Halloween, and other goodies.
Also, on the first Monday of every month I send out a large package. This will include bigger items and specially made items for her like mix CDs, DVDs with videos of myself I have recorded for her, guide books to where I am living, and other little knick-knacks from Japan. It is not only really awesome to get a big package in the mail every once in a while, but it is a good way to share some of the aspects of where you are living with your partner. She has in return mailed me lots of American food such as microwavable popcorn and pop tarts.
The greatest gift I have sent her was my long distance love calendar. It is a gift we are still enjoying to this day, and will be enjoying until our time together very soon. I took a small pocket sized spiral notebook and on each page wrote the date. Then I would write on each day one reason as to why I was in love with her. Some were funny, some were sweet, some recalled memories we have shared, and some looked towards the future. There was also a countdown of how many days are left at the bottom of each page. So, every morning when she wakes up and we talk on skype, she then flips over to the next page and reads the daily reason as to why I love her. It is great having a countdown, and this just makes it all the more sweeter. I know I also really look forward to seeing her smile as she reads a new reason each day, and I hope to come up with more reasons for a new love calendar for the next stretch of distance.
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A guy on the LDR board? Nice!
www.youtube.com/rodgerswan
Last edited by LuckiestSwan on 11/30/09 at 6:59 AM
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posted: 11/30/09 at 6:30 AM
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PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT
If you are like me and started dating your partner in the same town before you went Long Distance, odds are professional or educational development was one of the reasons for having to go into long distance. It is a hard choice having to leave behind the person you love to better secure a future together, but it can be an invaluable decision to make to strengthen the foundation of your future together. Right before I left for Japan, I went through a horrible few days of asking myself if I could really be that far away from her. It was singularly the worst few days of my life without any hyperbole. However, after thinking things through and looking at things in the long term, I decided that this would be the best course of action to secure our future together.
My plan has been to work as an English teacher here for a year and than return to America to get into a post-bacc program to get my teaching degree for secondary education English. Since I moved here, I have worked in three different Japanese high schools, and taught hundreds of students in countless classes. I have learned valuable teaching lessons, and in general have made myself a much more attractive candidate for not only getting into a teaching degree program but later actually landing an actual teaching job in the states. My move here allowed me to get the experience to set me apart, so this will undoubtedly help my future life with my SO.
It has also allowed me the opportunity to try and save serious money. Before I left for Japan, I told my mom that by the end of my year in Japan, I wanted to save a minimum of $5,000. My mom told me to shoot for $7,000, though she said if I could have $10,000 saved up by the end of next July I would be in a really good place. My friends, I have already saved over $10,000 in the first four months. The reality of life is that without money things can be very hard. The economy all over the world is not the best, and if you don’t have the cash, then you might have to wait longer to begin living with the love of your life. So here I am still in 2009 and I have over ten grand saved up. This was a huge personal development for me. Though I have always tried to save money, I have never tried to save this much money, but for once in my life I had something incredibly important to save up for. I have not lived entirely hand to mouth either. I have bought loads of Christmas presents for my loved ones back home, I buy myself some nice lunches every now and then, and I indulge in buying used CDs and video games from time to time. But, I have gained personal control to have financial stability. I have learned how to keep a budget and how to stick to it. I don’t want to come across as bragging or that I have loads of money, but instead I just want to stress that if I were to have stayed back home, I would not be banking this kind of money working a part time job in the states. Having the relationship enter a long distance phase has ensured that I will be in a much better financial place for next year.
My girlfriend has been able to focus on her schoolwork and do incredible in her grad courses. She has worked really hard to ensure she will be a great candidate for a PH.D program, and so she will be able to hopefully get into a funded program and then start teaching in university. She is also hoping to go to a Hebrew summer language camp next year to increase her attractiveness of getting into a good program. Overall, I am so very proud of her and I know things will work out perfectly for her.
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A guy on the LDR board? Nice!
www.youtube.com/rodgerswan
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posted: 11/30/09 at 6:31 AM
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PROBLEMS WE HAVE FACED
FAMILY CONCERNS:
Let’s face it, sometimes it just takes parents a while to truly ‘get’ the relationship of their child. Though I have met and gotten along great with her parents, and she has met and gotten along great with mine, there was still skepticism from both families when we entered into a long distance relationship. The truth is, none of our parents have ever experienced such a relationship so it is hard for them to grasp just how difficult or important they are. It is hard when you have something in your life that gives you so much joy, but you can not share it with your family for fear of criticism. Thankfully, my mom has always supported me in everything I do in life, and so she has always been there for me and supported my relationship with my SO. Over the past 4 months, we have seen that family members are now starting to take the relationship much more seriously, and we are hoping that after extended time with the families in a few short weeks, their perceptions will hopefully change even more so for the better.
It is a hard issue to deal with, and often times we just talk together and remember that we are dating each other; not our brothers and sisters or our parents. While it would be lovely to have their unconditional support 100% of the time, it naturally takes time for a lot of family members to accept and embrace LDRs. I would imagine for those who have met first on the net that this is an even greater issue, but I would hope that the same principals apply with how to deal with this problem. Just give your family time and show them how important this other person has become in your life. At the end of the day, our families just want to see us happy, and because of all the very vocal failure stories of LDRs gone sour, they don’t want to see the same things happen to their kids. So it is important to understand where your families are coming from, but to also be vigilant and strong with what you want.
INSECURITIES AND DOUBTS:
These ugly things are going to pop up if you want them to or not. We are human. Our partners are far, far away from us. Occasionally, there will be times when one feels down or feels insecure with themselves or the relationship. This is normal, but you can’t let these feelings get the best of you.
I know I have felt from time to time that no matter how well my relationship is going now, it could all be lost tomorrow. She could meet someone else and leave me half a world away. These thoughts have infested my mind on cold nights and they bring my mood seriously down. Why do I feel this way sometimes? My SO has done nothing to ever hint or indicate that she was less than 100% happy and in love with me. My only answer is that distance is hard, and it can seriously play with your head. However, you need to stay positive both for your sake and your partner’s sake. What would you rather wake up to? Your partner’s smiling and laughing face recounting the fun things they did during the day, or your partner feeling nervous and glum for having horrible thoughts of doubt all day? However, the important thing to remember is that if you are feeling down, or you are having doubts, then you NEED to tell your partner. Don’t harbor everything in. Your partner is your lover, your friend, and someone you should feel completely comfortable with. Whenever myself or my girlfriend are feeling down, or lonely, or whatever, we always make sure to be open and honest with our feelings. So, my main advice here is to just try and be happy as possible and try and push the doubts away if they have no basis in reality. However, if they do pop up, make sure to reach out to your partner and express your emotions.
SOCIAL ANXIETY:
When you are apart from your lover for an extended amount of time, the relationship can start to feel like it isn’t really real. You might get jealous seeing couples in your town walking together and holding hands, and you might try and hide yourself away. The truth is you need to stay social and have a good support group. Being in Japan, I am kept pretty busy with my work, and I also produce a weekly youtube show (which is also great for showing my girlfriend the kind of adventures I am having every week). She has made a good group of friends in grad school, and these connections are essential to keep you feeling like a sane and happy person. This is something that I do fault myself to some degree. I am really uptight about saving money, and so sometimes I decline social invites because I don’t want to spend the money. In some ways I can justify these sacrifices, but it is important to at least every once in a while go out. It is all about finding the right balance that will work for you.
OTHER TIPS
SET THE GROUND RULES:
Far too many couples don’t do this and it will lead to countless problems that could have easily been avoided if both parties had communicated a little better when the LDR was just starting. Make sure you and your partner know what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. My girlfriend and I had a long talk a few days before I flew out about what we wanted in the relationship and what we felt was ok. I also make it a habit to routinely ask her every 4 weeks how she feels the relationship is doing and if we have anything we need to take care of. The main thing here is that you need to be open and honest and just communicate.
SET YOUR GOALS;
Having a countdown to a visit is one thing, and boy that can really help, but if you are lucky enough to know just when the distance will be done for good, then this can help get you through many lonely nights. Thankfully, my girlfriend and I were lucky enough to know how long this distance is supposed to last and knowing when the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is going to shine happily on us is a good feeling.
CONCLUSIONS:
In my experience, which granted have only been just over 4 months, I felt I have grown up so much as a person and that the honest and open communication between my SO and myself have strengthened the relationship immeasurably. It has not always been easy, but I am confident in saying that we are going to be ok. In 17 short days I will once again see her, and I could not be happier about this fact.
I hope these random musings on long distance relationships can prove helpful to those considering an LDR, those new to LDRs, and even those who have been in this kind of relationship for quite some time now. An LDR does not mean a slow death sentence for a relationship. If both parties are committed and able to sacrifice and work towards sustaining a healthy and loving relationship, than the experience can greatly help those involved. Ok, well hope some of these words were helpful. Hang in there everyone and keep on smilling!
rodger
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A guy on the LDR board? Nice!
www.youtube.com/rodgerswan
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posted: 11/30/09 at 6:55 PM
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A post worh printing out and saving 
It also showed me very clearly what is missing in my relationship~a LOT! Thanks for this, you summed up what I want in a partner and even during my 15 y marriage (ended in 2006) I never got that kind of treatment.
Thans again
Poetman
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Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.
You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E
I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E
I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E
Last edited by Poetman on 02/07/10 at 12:15 AM
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posted: 12/01/09 at 9:42 AM
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| thanks for all the kind feedback haha. i have been in a really reflective mood about things since I am getting so close to my first visit. I'm really happy with how my relationship has gone over the past handful of months, and I just feel really good about things
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A guy on the LDR board? Nice!
www.youtube.com/rodgerswan
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posted: 12/01/09 at 8:23 PM
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I have to join everyone else in saying this is really, really wonderful. It's just fantastic you've thought about it so much, and in such a positive way. Of course long-distance is never fun or ideal, but you serve as a perfect example of how it can ultimately be a positive, how it can serve as a source for growth rather than an obstacle to it. It's great to have optimism like that! Everyone in an LDR should read this!
You must be so excited for your visit, I hope it is AMAZING!
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posted: 12/02/09 at 3:42 PM
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| MODS CAN YOU MAKE THIS A STICKY ?
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RIP Rodger Swan 12/19/86 - 1/26/10
"I will promise u the best trip in the world. The best time together. I love u my heart is crazy after u. I want u love u and gonna give u everything u need. Cuz u r the only one I'm gonna give my heart. And maybe we go bck to Esfahan by car. Then I can show u a lil bit of Iran" - Miad 9th Nov 07
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