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Lovingyou.com > Long Distance Support > Long Distance Relationships > Boyfriend in jail
Boyfriend in jail posted: 08/18/09 at 4:35 AM

Ekam_eveileb  [more]
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Hi all,

I am one of the thousands of girls in the world who are waiting around while their boyfriends are in jail. It's a LDR that isn't even long distance, just a different kind of separation. We're planning to get married soon, and as grateful as I am that we love each other, it's very difficult and lonely to be apart from him, to have our life together on hold.

I was wondering if any other people out there are in this kind of situation, and what your stories are. I'm sure some of you can relate to the loneliness and the challenges that I go through, so let me know some of your experiences.

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posted: 08/18/09 at 4:59 AM

HellYaImNuts  [more]
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If I can ask...how long is he in jail for?

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~Love is a cycle. When you love, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you hate.
When you hate, you try to forget.
When you try to forget, you start missing.
When you start missing, you eventually will fall in love again~

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posted: 08/18/09 at 5:23 AM

Ekam_eveileb  [more]
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Fortunately he is only in for 45 days... this time. Still it's the longest we've ever been apart.

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posted: 08/18/09 at 6:45 AM

Poetman  [more]
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He's been in jail before? And for how big of an offense? If this is a pattern (which I pray it is not) I'd be very careful. Likewise if it's for drug related or violent activities.

Please understand. I'm not trying to belittle the long-distance and separation side of things, but the minute I read "jail" connected with "relationship" red flags go up.

Best wishes,
Poetman

----------
Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.

You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E

I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E

I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E

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posted: 08/18/09 at 6:50 AM

Tr1sh  [more]
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this time!???

Aparently whatever keeps landing him in jail is a recurring problem in his life. until he fixes it, you need to put all plans for marriage on hold.

I had a BF when I was younger who had a drinking problem. It landed him in jail for 10 days. I told him that I'd only stay if he got help & quit drinking. he did for a while but when he fell back into old patterns I ended the relationship b/c there was no real future in it no matter how much I loved him -- he loved booze more.

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posted: 08/18/09 at 12:36 PM

Ekam_eveileb  [more]
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My boyfriend has never been in for more than petty crimes (public drunkenness, unpaid camping tickets and minor theft), and most of the reasons for his arrests in the past have been associated with the fact that he used to be homeless and into heavy drugs when he was younger. By the time I met him he'd long since left all that behind him and had become a better person for it.

But shortly after I met him there was an incident where he got drunk and got in a situation with these cops. He did a week in jail for that, and then I bailed him out. After that he was on probation for a long time and also had to work for the jail as part of his sentence. He was sober for a long time and had a job, but one night he decided to get really drunk and when he went to work at the jail the next day, they gave him a brethalizer and he failed it, so he went to jail again for 21 days for probation violation. After he got out we had this great idea that we wanted to travel, so we decided to run from his probation... he could not get in trouble for it as long as we stayed out of Colorado. Stupid idea, we now know. Three months later we came to Colorado for 4 days to visit my family, and he got caught. They revoked his probation and gave him a 60 day sentence, with good time 46 days.

So in some ways there are patterns, but truly, although he's been to jail three times since I've known him a year, they were all related to the same incident and I think the legal ramifications make him look much worse than he really is. It's been nine months since that incident and he hasn't done anything else bad since then... so I have faith that he really has his head on his shoulders now.

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posted: 08/18/09 at 3:30 PM

miss_blish  [more]
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Hopefully this visit to jail wakes him up and he stops acting like an idiot!!! I would have a serious talk with him...once you marry him anything he does affects your life even more than it does now. What happens when you have kids and he repeats this pattern and lan ds back in jail for a year or longer? If he can't learn from his mistakes...then he isn't going to make a very good husband or father. I'd hold off on making any wedding plans until you see proof he has cleaned up his act.

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posted: 08/18/09 at 11:23 PM

Tr1sh  [more]
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Just be careful. Three jail terms in less than a year is pretty serious. You say he's changed & you hope this time he'll wake up. What makes this time any different than all the others? I'm not saying abandon him or break up with him. I am saying be careful & SLOW down. You don't want to hitch your wagon to a falling star.

Seriously, look at a possible scenario. He's gets out. You two get married at a JOP. Viola -- you're pregnant. he stresses over money, the baby whatever drinks & lands in jail AGAIN. Now you are alone when the baby's born. he's also going to have a tough time finiding a Good job with benefits etc. How will you pay for this family? Does this really sounds like Happily ever after to you?

Love doesn't conquor all. Evaluate this relationship with your head. Not just your heart. A habit takes 30 days to form or break. he's away for 45 days . . . things change.

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posted: 08/19/09 at 2:40 AM

HellYaImNuts  [more]
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Hun,
He's been to jail 3x's in a year. Don't you think that's a bit much?
Even 3x's in a life time seems like alot for someone who's truly changed.

I understand that his jail time isn't the advice you are seeking, but to me, it sounds like you are young and haven't thought about any of this yet or how it can effect your future. What does your family think about his past?

----------
~Love is a cycle. When you love, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you hate.
When you hate, you try to forget.
When you try to forget, you start missing.
When you start missing, you eventually will fall in love again~

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posted: 08/19/09 at 3:07 AM

Ekam_eveileb  [more]
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Every arrest in his past has been while he was drunk and a result of his drinking hard liquor and ever since he did the 21 days for failing a brethalizer (about 5 months ago) he has realized he can't drink hard alcohol, so if he ever drinks, and its rare now, he only has 3 or 4 beers at the most and hasn't even come close to getting into any trouble since then.

And though my desire to marry him may make it look like I haven't thought about the future, believe me, I have thought about it a lot and considered a lot. It pleases me that he hasn't been in real trouble since right after I met him... he has really cleaned up his act substantially since I've known him and that constant improvement shows me that he really cares about straightening his life out and that he really cares about me.

As far as the marriage plans, we have decided on engagement as soon as we can get a ring... which will probably take us several months to a year to afford. After that we're not planning to actually get married for 2 or 3 years... in that time I can really know without a doubt that he can keep a job, stay sober, stay out of trouble, and I have real faith in him to do that. He has changed a lot for me, and given up a lot for me. He'd do anything if it meant having me forever. And after we get married... we still dont want to have kids for another 5 or so years after that.

He told me the other day he'd rather die than go to jail again. He has dreams now, he cares about his future in ways he never did when he was young and always in trouble. There are things he wants to pursue, he wants to improve and become a better person. That gives me a lot of hope for him.

And to answer your question, my family knows him really well and they all like him. He's been perfectly decent to all of them and hasn't ever hurt me (besides going to jail). They see the patterns but they know how much better he's gotten. Almost everyone is all for us getting married in a few years.

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