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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > How to make his past not bother me
How to make his past not bother me posted: 08/04/09 at 7:37 PM

Softsoul  [more]
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I have a wonderful boyfriend who I'm moving in together with in two months, we've been together for 14 months. I've never had a reason to doubt him, and I love him more than anything. The problem I have is, I'm jealous when it comes to his past relationships. He had two serious relationships that lasted for 2 years each, and one of the women he was getting over for years! So I catch myself thinking, does he still think of her, does she still mean something to him. It tortures me that he spent so much time with them, doing the things we're doing now... I don't know why I have such feelings and how to get rid of them. He said he never wanted to live with them or marry them, which I find a bit strange, after 2 years of being together... He was talking about marriage and living together after 3 months of being together with me. So that should shed my doubts right? I should feel happy that I mean something more and special to him. But instead, I ponder over his past. I'm 24 by the way, only had one half serious relationship before (I never think of that anymore and it means less than nothing to me), and he's 31. How can I forget this issue, can anyone help?

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posted: 08/04/09 at 7:44 PM

fair_is_fair  [more]
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I would relax....he is with you isn't he? Some people just make a bigger impression than others, but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Any guy that would allow you to move in with him probably loves you and if he wanted you to move in with him and not the others....WHATS THE PROBLEM HERE???

That's a huge compliment to you!!!!!

Look, dont compare him to you. People mourn differently and deal with relationships differently. The fact that he is with you and thinks highly of you is a big deal.

I hate to say this because its so blunt, but you just got to "Get over it." Everyone has a past and that is what makes them who they are today. Those girls don't even exist in his life, there is nothing to feel threaten about. If you keep this up, you will eventually push him away with this unjustifiable jealousy. Dont try to justify it, understand it or even care about it. He got over it, hes with you, deal with the now and not the past. You can not change it any way, so why get upset?

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posted: 08/04/09 at 7:46 PM

sweetectasy  [more]
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You really shouldn't let his past bother you. He may be a different person now, and if you think of it this way.... Ex's are ex's for a reason, there is a reason why they didn't make it to our future. Has he ever indicated that he was unhappy with you? That he thinks about his ex's frequently? Does he talk about them at all? If he talks about them frequently, then yes, I would find that bothersome. Most people don't do that though, because it usually hurts the other person in the relationship or makes things a bit uncomfortable/tense.

There is a reason why he is with you, and not with them. You shouldn't really stress over this at all. As for the 3 months of being together and living together, maybe he felt like your relationship was progressing and he wanted to take things to the next level with you. Maybe you're reading too much into it.

If it really bothers you, try talking to him about it, set things at ease. Maybe share some of your fears with him, get things out in the open. You really shouldn't be jealous of his past relationships, like I've said before, he's with you and not with them for a reason.

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posted: 08/04/09 at 8:01 PM
Spartan303  [more]
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Accept that he thinks of her. She still means something to him. That's because she's part of his life's history. There's no changing that. It doesn't mean he wants her.

Everything he's experienced up until now has led you two to be together. It's made him who he is now, the man you love. Don't dwell on it or it will harm your relationship. Just focus on how happy you are and how good things are.

He's with you. Accept that, recognize it, treat him well, and be happy.

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The opinion contained in this post is just that - an opinion. Awesome, and most likely absolutely correct, but still just an opinion.

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posted: 08/04/09 at 8:56 PM
Nikki622  [more]
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The past is the past. If you love this guy, then be with him, every man has a past, so do women..you can't judge him for that. Be happy that you have a man as great as him. If things don't work out in the end...you'll know you had something great. Don't let your mind interfere with what your heart is telling you. I don't know many men that would ask a girl to move in with them if they didn't truly love them. Think about it, just follow your heart.

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posted: 08/04/09 at 9:05 PM

Softsoul  [more]
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Spartan, I don't think past relationships always mean something to people just because they're part of their life's history. The guy I was with before means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Maybe I'm defensive, but I wish it were the same with him. Thanks, everyone, for talking some sense into me.

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posted: 08/04/09 at 9:23 PM

VCanizalez  [more]
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He most likely thinks of her... The same way WE ALL think of our past relationships... But it is not that we think
"Omg where is he/she? I miss her/him! I want to be with her/him so badly!"

But relax, HE IS WITH YOU, aint he? He is nto with his exs....
Things happens for a reason.. and he is not wit his exs... then something went wrong and that is why they are not together... otherwise you woudlnt even been in the picture...
Past is the Past... whatever happened, it happened already....

So enjoy the PRESENT... Enjoy what u have now

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...VeRoNiCa & LuIs...

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss passionately, Love truly
Laugh constantly & never stop smiling, No matter how strange life is;
Life is not always the party we expected to be but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful...

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posted: 08/04/09 at 9:32 PM

fair_is_fair  [more]
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Maybe you want him to act the same way, but is it enough to be a deal breaker for you? I think as long as he isn't revisiting his past every day or seeing these women, I dont think there should be an issue.

I think of my first ex still from time to time. It took me 3 years to get over him after our break up (we were in a 5 year ldr relationship) because he hurt me pretty bad towards the end. Did he mean something to me? Sure. Like most people, at one point that person meant a lot to them. Afterwards, they don't and if they didn't go back, that means they had a lot of good reasons not to. So after he got over her, she meant nothing to him (just like this guy means nothing to you). Some people always see their past relationships as "something," but it doesn't mean they would trade you for them. It depends on how the person views love.

You can't change how he felt, but if you get on his case about his own feelings, then you will change how he feels about you. Allow him to be human.

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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....

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posted: 08/04/09 at 11:02 PM
misty625  [more]
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Take the high road. You're a woman, not a girl. Commit yourself to getting over it. Don't think about it, don't dwell on it, don't ask him about it. You don't have to let this bother you. Committing yourself to maturity and graciousness will not let you down.

My grandparents divorced when my dad was a kid, like 55 years ago when divorce was VERY rare. My grandfather later remarried, to one of his grad students. (scandal From the start, my stepgrandmother was NOTHING but gracious and loving to my biological grandmother, welcoming her into their home for visits with her children, actively keeping in contact with her, encouraging the kids to reach out to their mom. Talk about class.

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posted: 08/05/09 at 3:26 AM
Spartan303  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by Softsoul
Spartan, I don't think past relationships always mean something to people just because they're part of their life's history. The guy I was with before means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Maybe I'm defensive, but I wish it were the same with him. Thanks, everyone, for talking some sense into me.


That's how you feel. He may feel differently. Doesn't mean that he or you are right or wrong, just means you may be different.

You have to decide if you can handle it.

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The opinion contained in this post is just that - an opinion. Awesome, and most likely absolutely correct, but still just an opinion.

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