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Lovingyou.com > Family Matters > Marriage > My marriage is in a deadlock!
My marriage is in a deadlock! Unhappy posted: 06/11/08 at 9:25 AM
Alysa  [more]
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I never thought I'd be putting my personal life on the internet like this, but I really can't get through this alone anymore.

I'm 23 yrs old married to my BFF who is 32 yrs old. We've been married for a yr and a half now. Dated for 3 yrs before that. and I've known him for almost 10yrs now. He has been my best friend since I was 15. We started dating when I was 18 and we did have an intimate relationship before we got married. Marriage came with a struggle for me since my parents were totally against it. Even though his family and my family were friends, my parents didnt approve the match because of the age difference and the fact that he had a very serious relationship before me which everyone knew of. Somehow I convinced my parents and they agreed. Since everything was going smooth, me and my bf did not wanna screw things up for us so we stopping getting physical cause anyways we were gonna get married in a few months.

My husband has always been an emotionally strict guy. He never expresses himself. And it's always up to me to understand what going on in his mind, inn his heart and did a good job at that. But I always hoped that someday he would open his heart to me. Someday he'll hold my hand, look in my eyes and tell me how much he loves me. Someday he'll surprise me with a romantic dinner or a walk on the beach. I've been a lover of small things in life, but for my husband expressing love has always come in the form of buying me electronic gadgets, clothes, stuff that I wanted but didn't really need.

After marriage I felt that I was not accepted by my in-laws. They always kept me away from their family circle. My husband's younger brother's wife is my ex-roomie. we hate each other so obviously he has been distant from us too. But over the period of time, my parents have really started loving my husband and my husband too finds it comfortable to hang out with them at times. I'm glad the way things shaped up at my family but I always feel sad for being able to recieve that love from my in-laws.

My husband travels a lot for his job and so our physical relationship took it's toll. Everytime he went overseas it used to be for months together. And when he got back I used to be just like a virgin and so if we tried doing anything, it used to hurt me a lot. That used to really frustrate my husband and instead of helping me get through it, he used to just walk out of the bedroom leaving me alone, naked in the bed. It used to hurt me a lot that he treated me like that and so as months passed by I didnt feel like sleeping with him anymore. I knew he used to get frustrated so I told him that if he would wanna sleep with someone else, I would be fine with it. Cause I am still his best friend and want him to be happy. But he never did it with anyone else.

His lack of emotional communication led me to open my heart out to a colleague. One night when I was out with him, my husband was not in town, I got drunk and I slept with him. But i wasnt as drunk. I knew what I was doing. I felt horrible the next day for cheating on him. But for the first time I felt good about the way I was treated in bed. My colleague was so nurturing. He made me feel good. But I knew that it was wrong. I called my husband and told him everything, but ofcourse not that I liked it. I was hoping he would get mad at me. He did get mad, but not because I slept with someone else, but because it was unprotected. He came back a couple of weeks later and took me to the clinic to get all kinds of tests done. Once it was clear that I was not pregnant or infected with anything, I tried to start afresh. But he just grew more distant. And one day he told me that he loves me a lot but he's not attracted to me anymore and he would be fine if i continued to have an affair with my colleague. It broke my heart. But then I promised reassured him that i loved ONLY HIM and whatever happened that night was just out of lust and I had no feelings for my colleague. After some weeks we had put it all behind us. He was fine. But there was still this gap. So I asked him if he wanted to be with someone else since he was not attracted to me. But then he said that he never meant it and he still loves me.

This happened early Jan. After that we tried to do it again, but the same story continues. As of today we still are best friends. We laught, talk. But we still havent been able to fill that void that's seperated us physically. I still wait for that perfect kiss. For one touch.

But I also want him to be romantic to me. I want flowers once in a blue moon. I want to go for long walks. Look in eyes. Fall in love again. I want to do crazy things like in the movies. But everytime I express this desire, he just calls me immature. So I stopped expressing that part of me.

I feel my marriage is in a deadlock. We love each other but we not happy. And both want each other to be happy. My husband is overseas again for some months and i miss him. But when I think about it, I miss myself too. I was so full of life. I used to dream. I used hope. Little things made me happy. And I've lost that part of me. And I hunger for his love, for his touch, for his emotions, for his expressions.

Am I really being too immature? Is it not what all of you would want for your life? Guys, I'm I being too irrational? Would you be sad to have a wife like me? Do you think I should let him go so that he can find happiness with someone else? There's noone who will love him more and I know noone can love me more tha he does. Then why is there this emptiness? How can I ever get through with this?

I can't talk to my parents about it, since they really like him now and I don't wanna screw that up by telling them that I'm not happy. I can't tell him cause then he thinks that I'm blaming him for everything and he raises all his guards to defend himself and there's no constructive communication after that.

If you think that there's something wrog with me, help me correct myself. If you think he should be with someone else, I'll be more than happy to make way for happiness to come in his life. Please guide me. I can't get through this alone anymore

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posted: 06/11/08 at 10:32 AM

~Carla~  [more]
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To tell you, you were too young when you married him is redundant.
Would your husband be open to seek counseling?
You definitely need a 3rd party involved.
You want to save this marriage before it self destructs.
Unfortunately if it ends I fear the friendship will as well. Someone will be hurt.
I can understand how you mean not having a mate who shows and expresses his feelings. This is not only important but vital. You MUST tell him that words at least are needed. You need to feel wanted as well as appreciated.
You have a great friend here. Talk to him and tell him what you need and why.
Sex hurts? Try a light lubricant. Any drug store. I like KY gell (not the warming liquid) It will help to moisturize. Apply it to his penis before he inserts inside you.
I love to talk during sex. I want him to know what I feel and I want him to tell me what he feels... Express This...
There's a lot of work but you have so much to loose if you just sit and do or say nothing.

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I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

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posted: 06/11/08 at 12:40 PM
Alysa  [more]
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Thanks a lot Zona for understanding me. I've tried to talk my husband into going for councelling, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't open up to me so forget anyone else. About sex- I do use lubricants, but by the time I'm almost getting used to i, it's time again for him to pack his bags and leave and by the time he comes back I'm back to square one. I've tried to tell him what I want but that just makes him more depressed because he does try his best to keep me happy. It's just tht our definitions of happiness match as much. How do I communicate with him without him getting all defensive about it?

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posted: 06/11/08 at 2:08 PM
6mos@atime  [more]
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Talking is too confrontational for guys unless talk has been a part of the relationship norm. Guys don't "talk" seriously unless we want to confront another guy about something or it's a power positioning discussion (watch how guys at work are when they call each other in to the office to "talk").

My wife and I have this ritual. About two mornings a week, before the kids wake up, I give my wife a back massage. Instead of jumping up out of the shower at 7:15AM, I set the alarm at 6:45 AM so we get up 30 min earlier than normal. A bottle of oil nearby and I just give her a back massage. Having my hands occupied helps distract and most of the time, she just purr in appreciation. It's only 30 minutes per time, 2 times a week so it's really low investment for me.

Sometimes, we talk about something funny or something interesting like remember the time.... Sometimes, we don't talk. But the hands do the communication, skin-to-skin.

Over many years, it evolves that we can now talk about intimate emotional issues during those times without me feeling confrontational or defensive. But it took years before I get to that point. I think it also helps that we are not face-to-face in a subconscious confrontational posture. She's on her stomach or back getting a massage and I'm kneeling by her side giving one.

Without this ritual, I would not have been a good person to talk to if my wife out of the blue say "we need to sit down and talk." My antennas and defense and power of rationalization would be at 100%, and that is not a good state of mind to share intimate feelings.

Hope that gives you a glimpse of how certain guys react and deal to "We need to talk about this" and how we deal with it.

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Live Strong

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posted: 06/11/08 at 8:59 PM

Rosco  [more]
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You said he would not talk to anyone are you? You sound like someone with a loving heart, whoes love fantasy has been shattered. If you cannot talk to your parents or his parents, who are you talking with about this.

There is a great book out there I have told many couples to read. It is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I have given it to many who are given having a hard time communicating with their spouse. Marriage is based on a lot of things, one of those is communication.

Men often just don't talk. Some do, on the average, we don't. I know you feel you are at a "dead lock." I think there is hope. My question for you is this: do you think he wants the marriage to continue or does he see it the same way you do? If both of you are still in love and want the marriage to work, it will, but it will take commitment, communication, and the desire to work at it together.

So how would you answer my question: Do you think he wants the marriage to continue or does he see it the same way you do?

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He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose - Jim Elliot

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posted: 06/11/08 at 10:59 PM

~Carla~  [more]
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Great Responce Rosco.
Find out how he sees the future. Does he see any problems and is perhaps ignoring them?
Perhaps it's time for you to simply take action. One thing is counceling. Yes, it's designed for both. But if you are willing to begin and make the effort, thaere you have one step taken. He's ignorng the problem that wont go away.
Go to a few sessions of counceling alone

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I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

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posted: 06/12/08 at 2:11 AM
Alysa  [more]
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@6mos: I will try doing what you said next time I meet him, which honestly I'm not sure when

@ ROSCO : Thanks a lot Rosco. You've exactly said what I feel in the first two sentences. I can't talk to either of our parents. So I sought to seek advice here. About your question: He does not want to leave me. Ever. That's what he keeps telling me time and again. I will definitely read the book you suggested. I'm desperate. I don't even have friends I can talk to anymore. It's been so long that I've kept things in my heart that I feel frozen when it comes to talking to someone else.

@ ZONA : Thanks for checking in on me. This forum is my only support now. Thanks for being there. I can't express enough what a morale this have given me.

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posted: 06/12/08 at 5:20 AM
misty625  [more]
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I've never read the love languages book, but it's helped a lot of people in your situation understand that their partners aren't necessarily unloving, just loving in different ways.

I think your first mistake was assuming he would change with marriage. Just as an experiment, tell yourself he will never be the guy who surprises you with flowers or weekend trips, walks on the beach or fancy dinners. How do you feel about that? If, for example, you plan the fancy dinner or suggest taking a walk, does he go along with it?

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posted: 06/12/08 at 5:37 AM
Alysa  [more]
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If I plan things he always accompanies me and even enjoys it. The thing is, in every relationship there is someone who will love or do things for the other person more. I'm just tired of being that person ALWAYS.
I have convinced myself that this is the way things are gonna be. But that has just led to a dead lock situation where he doesnt do anything and I accept that nothing is gonna happen.

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posted: 06/12/08 at 5:47 AM

Rosco  [more]
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Sent you a PM

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He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose - Jim Elliot

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