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Lovingyou.com > Family Matters > Marriage > My husband disappears on Fridays!!
My husband disappears on Fridays!! posted: 09/29/07 at 9:04 AM

deadend02  [more]
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Today is the 4th Friday in a row that my husband has gone MIA after work. He has said that he is at the gym, and the 1st time, he came home with his gym clothes, and dirty, so it seemed believable.

The 2nd time, I spoke to his best friend's wife, and they the guys were together because he called me, and I heard them at the gym.

Last week, he came home drunk after drinking with his friends... but he never answered his phone while he was out, nor did he tell me where he was going after work, so naturally I was anxious. He said that he was upset because he had not gotten the raise he expected at work. We got into an argument and I told him, ALL I NEEDED WAS A CALL TO KNOW WHERE HE WAS. SIMPLE AS THAT.

Well, today is the 4th Friday, where I don't know where he is. I called the gym and he was not there. I don't have this friends' number so I can't call them, and he does not answer his phone!

I'm so upset because we have a 8 mos. old daughter, and I work full time, and want to come home on a Friday and rest. But he is never around on Fridays!!!

This is not right! I came to my mother's house to sleep because he needs to understand he cannot disrespect me like this.

Does anyone have any opinions or thoughts???

FYI: Our sex life is not great at all, since I have not felt attractive after giving birth. It happens, but on occasion.

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posted: 09/29/07 at 9:21 AM
misty625  [more]
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I totally, totally sympathize- I too have freaked out at my husband when he's gone out with pals unexpectedly without calling- but I have to say, you need to calm down. Just take a deep breath. Running off to your mom's was not a good idea- it's just turning this situation into a game or power play of who's where when.

He really should let you know. However, he apparently will not, and arguing or nagging at him did not change anything last week. It's a vicious cycle- he might be out, then scared that if he calls you'll give him sh*t for not letting you know sooner (which, be honest, you might), and so he doesn't call, which just makes you more angry, and on and on.

You're going to have to be the bigger person here. From this point on, assume that Friday nights is going to be his night out with pals- for the gym, the bar, whatever. Tell him (sweetly if you can) that you understand he needs a night off from family, and you understand that Fridays are it. Then, tell him which night or time of the week YOU will be taking off. Maybe it's Sunday mornings, whatever. Maybe that's your time to go out with friends, taking a long bath, or going shopping for fun. But agree you'll be cool about Fridays if he will be cool about your time, take care of the home and baby, and let you relax.

Maybe you can get a sitter or other family member to help you out on Fridays, so you can relax a bit when you come home from the workweek. Coming home on Fridays after a long workweek to care for a baby doesn't seem to be his idea of relaxing, either, so you're on the same page with that.

As for the sex life, I heard someone recommend kissing. Don't pressure yourself to make it lead to sex, just kiss, slowly, tenderly, passionately, whatever is your style. Make kissing a priority, even when you don't feel like it. It's like smiling- if you smile, even when you don't feel happy, you can turn your mood around just by the act of smiling- it triggers happy chemicals in your brain. Kissing does the same thing with connection chemicals.

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posted: 09/29/07 at 9:26 AM

deadend02  [more]
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Hi Misty,
I have spoken to him nicely to simply call me even if it's the same night he's out. I have told him that it doesn't bother if he goes out, so long as he lets me know. He works in Manhattan, and I worry, so a short 2 minute call, will ease my nerves.

He knows I won't be upset, because he has called in the past and said 'babe i'm at the gym' and i simply say 'ok, see you later'. SO this is why I'm upset, because I HAVE given him the opportunity to go out without problems, but suddenly his phone never works after 5pm on Fridays!~

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posted: 09/29/07 at 12:21 PM

banarabbyt1  [more]
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Honestly I agree with you going to mom's house- you have told him before just call you and so on, and his behavior is getting progressively worse.

Hopefully it's a reality check that you are tired of this and he apologizes and the behavior does not continue- you guys need to talk out when is his day out and when is your day to relax and stick with it, and it won't kill him to call and say where he is at.

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posted: 09/29/07 at 8:20 PM

msannw  [more]
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I am with Bana, I agree with going to your mom's house.

Does he go to the "gym" any other day of the week or is it only Friday? Anyone who is serious about working out will tell you that it takes a lot more than just once a week.

I agree with Happy....I would start to wonder if he is seeing anyone.

How is your relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom, other than this?

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~~~A relationship involves time, committment, communication, honesty and the ability to work on the issues you have. Anything worth having is worth the work. ~~~

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

"There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying"

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posted: 09/29/07 at 9:43 PM

BooSFla  [more]
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Best case he is extremely inconsiderate, worst case he's cheating. Either way it's not acceptable behavior, he can't expect you to sit and wait for his grand arrival.

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posted: 09/30/07 at 1:55 AM

dizzy_edge  [more]
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when my ex would go out after work and not call me, i eventually told him that i thought it was very disrespectful to our relationship. i said i understood if he didnt want to call 'wifey' in front of his friends, but that there were tons of moments he could take off to the bathroom or something and give me a quick call, or call before he left work when no one was around (in case he didnt want his friends to think he was 'under the thumb'). i actually felt that he should be able to call and say 'hey im just going out for a few beers' in front of his friends because it shows respect for your partner but whatever, i thought i would give him some leeway.

when he continued to do this, while i sat at home with 2 kids and supper waiting, i had enough. i packed the kids up and went to my mom's house (which incidentally was 4 hours away). he came home THE NEXT DAY i might add (not calling to tell me he was staying the night at his mothers because the roads were bad from a blizzard), and couldnt find me and the kids. he eventually noticed that the suitcases were gone and called me at my mom's. he couldnt believe i did that but i said i was sick of 3 years of that crap.

i know lots of people who do this and it IS inconsiderate. even if they arent doing anything wrong (cheating etc), its simply not nice to let your partner sit around and wonder where you are. my bf now doesnt even live with me, but he calls to say 'im over at my friends house so ill call ya later' if he is going to be later than he normally calls. i just stare at the phone in shock because ive never known someone to be so considerate. he looks like a roughneck guy, biker type lol, so i would normally think he of all people wouldnt want to call in front of his friends and let me know where he is, but he does it all the time. i have never asked him to, never told him of my past. he just does it on my own and it still amazes me lol

i dont know what your husband could be doing, he might simply think he doesnt have to call you because he can do what he wants, doesnt want to have to 'report' to you. but he is looking at it the wrong way. its not reporting, its being respectful so youre not sitting around wondering if he is going to be home at 6, 7 9, 12, etc. it would be nice to know if your partner is going to be home for supper, etc. and i hear ya about being home with a baby after working fulltime all week.. my ex husband even went out after work and left our son at the sitters, so i would get home and pick up our son, and have no idea my husband had already come home, showered, and headed out for the night. i found that to be totally ridiculous and unfair. no note, no call, no nothing.

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posted: 10/03/07 at 6:33 PM

deborah  [more]
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Well, here's what you do. Wait somewhere in your car outside his job where he won't see you and follow him to see where he goes. It sounds fishy to me he's MIA on Fridays.........I agree, maybe an affair going on.

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posted: 10/04/07 at 7:50 PM

Mrs.C05  [more]
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Every friday?!?!! I bet you dread Fridays, when everyone here loves them! It's the weekend, have time off, spend time with family, get things done, etc.

I hope you find out what is going on. I agree with Deborah as to go park by his work and then follow him. Possibly with a friend or something so he doesn't recognize your car.

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It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years.

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posted: 10/04/07 at 9:29 PM

Carrie  [more]
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Ok I think what he is doing is wrong, but I don't think you should go as far as stalking

try talking to him again, and not on Friday night when he finally strolls in. maybe suggest marriage counseling? he needs to know you are serious that what he is doing is not ok.

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"Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"

"love is letting go of your heart for someone else to have, and at the same time accepting their heart as your own"-Me

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