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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Love Advice > Married man pursuing me
Help Please! posted: 07/18/07 at 11:53 AM

valeriejuarb  [more]
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I need help,
Im in a relationship right now and im making a real important decision which is moving in with him.
But theirs a little problem.

I know him almost for 8 years now, we used to go to school together, he always had a crush on me, but i never really paid any attention to his interest in me.
Well 4 yrs passed and i end up moving to another state, so we lost comunication. So about 3 months ago i receive a call, and its him. He finally
found me again, through an old friend of mine. He tells me that he still got feeling for me and that he wants to be more than close friends. We have
Been talking since. He tells me he loves me every opportunity he has. And i do feel like this could work and that his the one, i mean he's so sweet
and i know that for a fact because i know him.
But the thing is that he's married and has a 2 yr old son. He told me that his marriage is a disaster, that
he's never home and that the only reason he got married was because her parents put pressure on him so he ended marrying her. He tells me that
he doesnt feel anything for her, that he doesnt desire her as a woman. He wants to marry me. What should i do. I mean I'm really starting to feel something
for him. He calls me 4 or 5 times a day, he talk all day, when he cant call me cause of work, I really miss him. He has showed me how much he's willing
to give up for me. But I still cant stop feeling bad for her. I agree that if his marriage is that bad than he should divorce her, I mean is not really because of me
if the marriage was that bad he was going to end divorcing her anyways but i still cant stop felling bad. Im very confused please i need an advice.

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*V*

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posted: 07/18/07 at 12:37 PM

higlitter  [more]
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Is he separated from his wife? If he is willing to start a life with you and risk his marriage and he must be true to you. I know you feel bad for her and the kid. But you have to realize their marriage problems are not because of you. Don't rush into marriage until he has been divorced for awhile, you just don't want to jump something in so fast and get married for the wrong reason.

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Perfect faith cannot exist where the will of God is unknown.

Every day God affords you the opportunity to make your mark, impact your world, and take yourself to the next level.

Met Mel on 12/25/1998

~Marian~

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posted: 07/18/07 at 7:54 PM
Luckylady12  [more]
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I wouldnt do anything until they are seperated because ive heard so many men say that stuff and then it turns into an affair and not a relationship and at the end of the affair they stay with their wives and just say all that bs so they can have thier cake and eat it to. Im not saying thats the case but he needs to be fully sperated before anything happens. I would agree sometimes things dont work out such as his marriage and maybe since its been going on so long his feelings and such then thats a good sign. But personally i wouldnt want to wait around for the marriage to compltly end, with all that drama ect, plus i would be afraid that if i married him who knows if hed stop desring me as a woman and want someone else. Like bad marriage or not faithful is faithful and unless hes legally single what hes doing is dishonest and borders cheating and thats not the type of man id go for being as ive been cheated on and know those type of men all to well. Its still early to be talking aboujt marriage give it time enjoy life. I would tell him if anything will ever work out he needs to come clean with his wife and end it because you arent the type of woman who is going to wait around being the other woman and be on the sidelines until he decides to offically end it. Other then that i wouldnt feel bad some relationships arent destined to work out just try to be sure you dont take part in an affair until hes single, or that will bring undo trouble, heartache, and drama for those involved. Also you have to ask yourself are you ready to date someone with a child? Are you willing to wait til he at least begins the steps of a seperation? Do you see a future and things working out between you or is it just the memory of the past and what once was in his heart? What are your goals togehter in the future and how can you accomplish them for a healthy loving relationship together? Take it slow give it time once hes available if he becomes availiable, that should help. Best of luck to you

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posted: 07/18/07 at 8:55 PM

ElsMan  [more]
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Yah. Married men looking for some sex-on-the-side always have their sob stories about how bad their marriages are, how inconsiderate their wives are, how the sex has dried up, etc. All this talk is a way to make you feel sorry for him and to break down your defenses so you will commit adultery with him.

Don't do it. You are only 19 and there are plenty of unattached men out there.

Tell him to stop calling and if he calls again, tell him to talk to his wife instead of you.

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posted: 07/18/07 at 9:19 PM

freshstart  [more]
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Unless he's separated and in the process of divorce - stay away from this man! He sounds like a coward, in my opinion. He's securing a safety net (you) before he takes the leap (separation and divorce). Tell him to get his life in order first and then you'll *think* about whether or not you'd like to pursue a relationship with him!

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posted: 07/18/07 at 10:10 PM

msannw  [more]
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Unless the divorce is final today, back away from him TOTALLY. He needs to concentrate on his marriage, not on building a new relationship.

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~~~A relationship involves time, committment, communication, honesty and the ability to work on the issues you have. Anything worth having is worth the work. ~~~

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

"There just isn't any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying"

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Married man pursuing me posted: 07/18/07 at 10:44 PM

cheerico_01@  [more]
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well...tell him to close one book before he starts another one.Do not become one of the chapters in the book he is in at the moment, you do not need to think about his wife remember that is his wife, If the marriage is not working then he is old enough to make two choices ''Stay and work on it or leave and start a new life".

One of the thing about us women is we listen to too much crap from the opposite sex. if you love him and really want's to be with him then do not settle for being the mistress you also deserve to go to your bed at night not wondering when he is going to leave you and go back to his wife.
Tell him get a divorce and you will take it from there, this will show you that he is serious about you.

Good luck

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cheryl

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posted: 07/19/07 at 12:00 AM
misty625  [more]
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Just knock it off. It's clear you're enjoying the attention, and you're only feeding the fire with your "friendly" support. Do the right thing and back off.

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posted: 07/19/07 at 12:28 AM

RebeccaAnne  [more]
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I agree with others... wait until he is single and then continue pursuing him. You're right to feel bad for his wife... even if the marriage is in shambles, he should have the decency and kindness to divorce her before getting involved with someone else.

So until he is single, tell him you won't get involved. He could be telling you all this because he wants to have both you and his wife and son. Don't be fooled into being his mistress... Have more respect for yourself then that.

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Whatever you are, be a good one

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posted: 07/19/07 at 12:57 AM

HellYaImNuts  [more]
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I don't see how this can work when he is married.
If he wants to be more than close friends...then he needs to do something about his marriage first.

You seem perfectly ok with the fact that he steps out on or lies to his Wife and child. Instead of either ending things with her or working them out...he chooses to come to you for comfort.
Whatever happened to him telling his Wife these things instead?

Yeah, I'd say he sounds really sweet and honest when it comes to his marriage vows. Whether he married her out of pressure or not, he still has an obligation to them.

If you really feel bad for his Wife like you say you do, then you know what the right thing to do in this situation would be.

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~Love is a cycle. When you love, you get hurt. When you get hurt, you hate.
When you hate, you try to forget.
When you try to forget, you start missing.
When you start missing, you eventually will fall in love again~

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