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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Life Advice > How do you tell an ex you're getting married?
How do you tell an ex you're getting married? posted: 01/16/07 at 3:05 AM

lynx6  [more]
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Especially if it’s an ex that both you and your partner love and respect?

And especially if it’s an ex that still has feelings for you, and – frankly – you still kinda have feelings for him?

(Now before everyone starts freaking out – let me explain…

HISTORY – I dated this ex back in high school and he is/was my first love. And it’s pretty obvious that I was his. *shrugs* What can you do? It’s high school. Teenagers have strong feelings.

After high school my ex and my current beau became really close friends.

5 years later, my current beau ran into me and asked me for my number. He then went to my ex and asked if it was okay if we could date – and my ex said it was fine. (My ex then attempted to contact me but I wasn’t home. He still has never told me why he called.)

3 years of dating and just in the past few months I’ve started hanging out with my boyfriend when he goes to see my ex. At first it was a little uncomfortable. You could tell there was still some “feelings” there between us, but they’ve sorted themselves out and we’re all now pretty good friends.

DISCLAIMER: I will never go back to my ex. Yes, there are “feelings” there, but it’s not enough to create the kind of relationship my fiancé and I have. I value that relationship much more then the one I had with my ex.)

Soooo – what do you do now? My fiancé and I are totally confused as to how to approach this. We would love to have him at our wedding, but we have no idea on what is an appropriate way to tell him that we’re getting married.

Do you just blurt it out in a group setting? Act like it’s nothing special… (Which could then lead to people saying, “Man, that was really rude of you not to consider his feelings.”)

Do you take him to the side and tell him personally what’s going on? (Which could be taken the wrong way and have everyone thinking that you still have STRONG feelings for him – which is something I DO NOT want to portray.)

Do you just tell a friend in the group and rely on the “grapevine” to do the work in telling him? (Which could also be seen as rude...)

Any ideas here?

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:13 AM

HelloMsKitty  [more]
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Well first off Lynx...CONGRATULATIONS!! I believe this officially makes you the first non-engaged (already) PMS girl to get married! WOOT!

Anyway...this is a toughie...but I don't think it's that much of a toughie.

Bottom line is...this ex hasn't made a move on you in years. Well, he may have tried to back when Scotty asked for permission to date you...but we'll never know. You've been dating for 3 years...at this point...it's kinda logical that you're going to get married, isn't it?

I mean, I guess I need to know if you feel like this guy is pining away for you. OR...is it that you think it's going to be awkward and it's just paranoia?

I'd have Scott sit him down and tell him. But...if this happened over Christmas and he sees him regularly, if I were the ex, I'd probably already be hurt. Like...what, you can't tell me?

If my best friend got engaged and didn't tell me...I'd be hurt.

Don't "sit him down"...that's much too formal and giving the situation way too much validity. The next time Scott and Mr Ex are hanging out...have him say...OMG, I forgot to tell you the good news...Lynx and I are engaged!!!

Well, maybe not like that as it's probably a little girlie...but you get the jist.

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:13 AM

downINsc  [more]
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If they are boys and your current bf asked him if it was okay for ya'll to date long ago, maybe he should bring it up. Kinda let him explain that ya'll have been dating a long time and he has strong feelings about you and is considering asking you to marry him...and ask him what he thinks about that. Try not to word it as "will you be okay with me marrying your ex?", instead he should just try and bring it up as getting advice from a guy friend as normal. Since they are friends anyways now and you mentioned ya'll have hung out together...and plus it has been 3 years.

Yet, something tells me you aren't sure about this either...that maybe you are curious as to why the HS relationship didn't work out when it did or something? Just wondering...

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:30 AM
misty625  [more]
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Yeah, I agree with Kitty. Just tell him, either you or Scott or both of you (whoever sees him first) like the good news it is. "Hey, JoeBob, I have some great news! We're engaged!" Respect him enough to assume that he's an adult and whatever mixed feelings he might have, and hand him the opportunity to congratulate you graciously. Not to come off as manipulative or whatever, but this way you'd be kinda steering him down the path that would best serve you all.

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:34 AM

lonestar42  [more]
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Congrats again Lynx! I can't wait 'til it's my turn

I agree with MsKitty and misty too. Tell him direct but in an upbeat way that suggests you know he'll be happy for you rather than suggesting he may have a problem with it. If you don't give him the opportunity to have a problem with it, chances are he won't, or at least will deal with any problem feelings in private.

Best wishes

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The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. - Ben Stein

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:44 AM

lynx6  [more]
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Hmm, now what do we do if we got engaged for xmas - and we've seen him about 3 times since then and haven't said anything...??

Whoops!

We were waiting until we set the date before we really "announced" it to everyone. Mostly just family knows now.

**
And no - I know EXACTLY why our high school relationship didn't work out. We were one of those couples who were really attracted to each other, but had absolutely nothing in common. *shrugs*

What can you do?

**
See - I don't think he'd go home and start sobbing in his pillow, "OMG!!! I loved Dianne!"

He does have a long term girlfriend that he's living with, so I'm sure that he's madly in love with her and not me...

But I do think it would... how do you explain it... Hurt??

Just a little bit anyways.

I mean - think about it - some ex that you had a good connection with back in the day tells you they are getting married.

It just gives you a little pinch in the heart, whether you want it to or not.

**
I guess I'm just trying to think of how to do this as pain free as possible...

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:54 AM

lonestar42  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by lynx6
We were waiting until we set the date before we really "announced" it to everyone. Mostly just family knows now.

Well then I think that's fine. If he asks when you got engaged and why you didn't tell him sooner just tell him you were waiting until you set a date and only told family before that. I don't see any reason why he should have been told before your other friends just because he's an ex.

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The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. - Ben Stein

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posted: 01/16/07 at 3:59 AM
misty625  [more]
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Sure, it might be a little weird, but I still think you should just tell him like it's good news. (And if he asks when it happened, saying that you got engaged at Christmastime and have been waiting to set a date before telling the world at large is a perfectly reasonable... reason.)

If he's going to get a pinch in the heart (which he might not), that's going to happen no matter what, and honestly, at this point that's really none of your business. I'm sure if he does feel weird, he'd rather not undergo the embarrassment of having you guys question him. So sticking to the high road of assuming you're all adults and gracious and cool gives all of you some... direction? Structure? I dunno.

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posted: 01/16/07 at 4:04 AM
yankeegirl88  [more]
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Congrats!
I would just tell him or have your fiancee tel him and tell him what you told us ...That you guys were waiting to set a date before you announced it.

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posted: 01/16/07 at 5:22 AM

HelloMsKitty  [more]
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Yeah!

Whatever you do though...don't make a big production out of it like sitting him down and saying "Now I know this might upset you."



Sounds like since he has a new girl, he'll be cool with it.

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