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Harsh words because of being hurt? posted: 11/20/09 at 8:04 AM
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I'm going to start up with a little background of the relationship. So my ex and I have been going off and on for about a year now. About 2 months ago, it was over for good.
She seemed to have been giving me mixed messages even after this final break up. Mind you it was suppose to be "no communication." I reluctantly agreed (I still wanted to work things out.) Shortly after the decision was made, a week later after no communication she texts me about something completely random: "Hey umm... What classes [to take at school] are easy?" I didn't want to start anything so I answered her bouncing texts back and forth for about 10 mins and then said our good byes. There was no talk about the relationship.
This continued a few times over the course of the week and that Friday I confronted her (we go to the same school). She was still firm on her "no communication" and apologized for contacting me. I had an inkling that it was just her using some sort of excuse to communicate to me, but she never admitted to it.
What I find a little hurtful and at the same time strange is the way she expresses her words in person and in texts. Sometimes it would be respectful and overly nice, but more often there's a strong hint of bitterness and harshness. I asked her not long while ago about her behavior and she says to ignore it, as her harshness is her way of protecting herself from hurt feelings. We ended the relationship on good terms too.
While I understand part of it, I don't understand why or how it can lasts so long (her negative behavior has been going on for over a month). Over the smallest things, too. Like me returning an item of hers after not seeing and hearing from her for 2 weeks -- she still portrayed the same behavior.
I don't know if this behavior is common among women, but my last girlfriend has similar behavior shortly after the relationship ended. So I was hoping you ladies would help shed some light onto this matter. Any input will be much appreciated. Thanks!
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen
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posted: 11/21/09 at 6:16 PM
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I've done this before as a sort of "protection" method after a breakup and being hurt. But if she's still hurting, then she is only making it worse on herself by contacting you. She is probably still having a hard time with your breakup (no matter whose decision it was). And something that is probably KILLING her is that it probably seems like you are taking it better than her. Women have egos, too.
What I would recommend for this sort of thing is to not respond at all if she contacts you again. Make sure all things are returned to one another and then leave it at that. That's the only way both of you can move on. Unless she is calling you because she just got mugged or something serious, or says she wants to work things out (and you agree) you aren't required to respond to her random attempts to gain some sort of communication from you. I can understand the bitterness and anger after a breakup. It exists of course on both ends. But she's angry with you while at the same time she's contacting you and asking random questions. Which only makes sense in 1 way.
What she's doing now is playing a game with you. She wants you to miss her and be all broken up about it all. Her way of attempting to do this is by being harsh and by continuing to give you reminders that she still exists. I'm not saying that you probably aren't upset at times or maybe sometimes miss her, but it seems as though you understand that playing games with her will only prolong the inevitible. I strongly recommend not letting her play it.
Like I said, I've done this before myself. I understand where it comes from. But I tell you what, I've never liked myself very much after treating people that way.
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It's all a learning experience... as long as you're willing to learn.
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