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posted: 06/21/12 at 3:42 AM
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I wasn't saying all 3O year olds are doomed to never marry so I think some might have taken too strong to that. I was only expressing the way I approach relationships, I may break up a few more times with people. I usually date long term and I take time in-between to reflect and get over things before I date again. This process takes up a lot of time, usually about 2 years in-between each time (getting over it, shit happening, and then dating again], plus maybe 2 years each time for dating (this has been the rough estimation from the last times..but I know this will differ]. That could range for 3-4 years between getting over one relationship and the probability of ending another. I only have so much of a time line I would like to get things done in. I am not a "let things happen and flow" kind of person, but I am also not a "I will marry the next person that gives me the ring out of a cracker jack box" kind of person either. I feel stuff happens when you make it happen, but I am not blind to the fact that I could fail some where again. I also am not a firm believer the next time will be it, I am preparing myself for if it does or doesnt happen and what I plan to do about it. I feel less annoyed when I am mentally prepared in that manner.
I always felt getting married by 3O was reasonable, now its not and I have to adjust everything in my timeline. I had goals and I didn't keep them. I know not everyone is like me, but Im goal obsessive and so I become irritated when I don't make reasonable goals. Everything I do, Im intense about and I prefer it that way, but Im not snobby about it either. The harsh intense criticism I give myself, I would never act the same with other people. You all will probably understand you wont understand that mentality, and yes I probably should be "easier" on myself, but I feel happy when I push and succeed through tough situations. I want something, I figure out a way to get it. If I cant get it, then I figure out if I really need it. If I dont need it then I go look for something else. I concluded I am fine being single, but I hate being alone. I like sharing my life with people, even if its just a friend. I concluded I want some one and in a way I need to feel close to somebody that I trust. Key word is trust...I don't trust easily with my heart, which is why I take so long to find people. Which is why I think that there is a good possibility I may be in for a long wait and that doesn't make me happy, but I won't settle with anyone I dont trust with my heart.
It won't be surprising to me if I just never get married either. Its an idea I am starting to become comfortable with. I know no one can predict the future and tomorrow, but I do work with experience and probabilities. Its not that I am giving up, its just that I decided to look at how the other side of the fence might feel. I am not the easiest person to date, but I feel I am very rewarding as a person. I will take as much time as I need, but I wont like it until I reached a compromise some where. I am not looking for just marriage, I am looking for the one I feel will make an amazing partner in marriage and I don't believe in accidents. I believe in pushing fate to the forefront by engaging the situation, making myself available, putting myself out there, etc. I also have a million other goals to take care of, Im saving lots of money, pushing to go over seas, writing a novel, trying to make extra money on the side with keeping my skills up, and a host of other things. This will never be the one focus in my life, it is only the one on top of many that I like to engage in.
After I deal with this situation, I rather look for some one that already has a good foundation and is ready for more. I noticed when I am put in certain situations, I naturally take over if there is no leader in the situation. I dont like being a leader, but I naturally fall into the role when things are disorganized or have no direction. A guy trying to establish himself does not make a good candidate for me anymore. I need some one that has it already there, he is sure of himself.
Also with the child thing, I just want the option open. I dont really want to have a child in my 4Os, this is just how I feel at this time. If it doesnt coincide with the schedule and goals, then it probably wont happen and I will accept that. Call that selfish, but I am very particular about being sure and ready before I decide that is what I want.
Thanks for listening.
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 06/21/12 at 5:06 AM
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Also I like to know opinions about being friends with exes. He had offered to be friends, but I never have done this with anyone in the past. My apprehension is being there when he moves on or this might just be a handicap extension of our dead relationship. I know I should take time and space before I become friends, but I am unsure if its wise overall. I know for a fact we would have made great friends because at the core we had similar interests, mentality and enjoyed each others company (when things were easy and good].
I just have strange fears because it is just foreign to me. I use to believe that people who had exes as friends couldnt let go, but I know not everything is so black and white. Nothing ever is. Some people really can just be good friends. I just dont know if I am capable of being able to handle this properly. It may be easier once I move away to be just friends. I am wondering though if he is doing this because he may feel in the future he will want to try again when he is ready (he has hinted at this]. I cant deny I havent thought of that possibility, but I am not counting on it as the probability of both of us moving on is more likely. Emotions are just too high right now to know if we will feel the same a few years down the road. Im working on keeping an open mind, but pushing myself to not be caught up in that thought process.
At this point, even though I ended it, admitting of fault and understanding has come more to the surface from him [which seems standard for ending relationships, regrets and all that jazz]. I hate to believe he maybe was right, it was bad timing because he needed to grow more as a person. If he was more experienced, certain of his ability to work within his finances and make a home for himself, be comfortable/settled in his career and accomplished more for himself, he would have made a better partner. And not because of the money, but because he would be confident in his ability to stand on his own. People starting out are unsure of themselves, they make mistakes, learn and grow from them. He never had that chance to do that.
I was more experienced in that aspect and I feel I am impeding him if he continued to live with me as it will be a mother/son situation. I didnt believe in bad timing either and I am still skeptical, but it makes sense. We ran out of rope unfortunately and something had to give way. This relationship had to die...I killed it to put it out of its misery. It was the best thing for us as I saw how unhappy we both were, but we both stayed because some how we cared. We just couldn't fix it because both of us was tired of the situation, frustrated and blinded by our pain.
I just hate how it didnt have to be this way because he wasn't a horrible man in my book. Communication is just so critical...I think he realizes that after the fact that I needed to hear his side and his voice. I feel better that I dont feel "crazy" anymore. He made me feel like i was just nuts when I pointed things out, but he finally admitted I was more right then he cared to admit. Sigh...If only I was gifted with the ability to not be so sharp with my observations, sometimes its too difficult when you are involved emotionally in the moment.
I know some one mentioned I still need to go through the angry phase...I think I already have. It was before the break up...I was angry, frustrated and desperate to change something. I did and with that washed all the anger away. It just felt more regretful and a relief at the same time. A relief that I was no longer angry because I ended it, but regretful that it had to come to an end. Now I dont feel much of anything, but when I think of him I know I get emotional. I dont know at this point what the future holds for me. I still care, and he still cares, but I want him to experience independence because I think that is the best thing I can do for him. I want to let him grow into the wonderful guy I always saw him as, that I first saw when we dated. Its just hard to know some one else will benefit from all of that. 
I need to stop saving wounded animals....
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 06/21/12 at 11:11 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by fair_is_fair
I usually date long term and I take time in-between to reflect and get over things before I date again. This process takes up a lot of time, usually about 2 years in-between each time (getting over it, shit happening, and then dating again], plus maybe 2 years each time for dating (this has been the rough estimation from the last times..but I know this will differ]. That could range for 3-4 years between getting over one relationship and the probability of ending another.
You generalize too much. Each relationship and heartbreak is different. When I left my ex-husband my mourning had already been done. It had been wrong for so long and I had been trying to fix it forever so my grieving was done and dealt with when I left. My second separation was a trip down to hell. Took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. You cannot say things like Oh I am the kind of person that needs 2 years for this and 2 more for that. You NEVER know how long you will need and it will be different with each man going through your life. You NEVER know how long it will take you to fall in love. Sometimes it takes a year, sometimes it takes a month. Just be open to any possibilities!
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posted: 06/21/12 at 11:19 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by fair_is_fair
Also I like to know opinions about being friends with exes.
Do you lack friends? I agree with being civil with an ex. Being friendly enough to send a 'happy birthday', or once a year ask how's his mom and everything but friends as in going out together? No. Often one of the 2 has a heard time letting go, the new bf/gf comes into play and that may create problems.
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posted: 06/21/12 at 2:17 PM
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Well considering Ill be moving away any way and probably wont see him again, it seems less of a big deal. I wasn't thinking of going out often as that confuses boundaries, I am still unsure honestly what I would consider appropriate in this situation. Ive considered being friends with people in the past, but that was because I was needy. This time I dont really feel that needy. So we will see, I am not deciding yes or no yet, I would like to just grind on the thought a bit longer (he is away on a work trip, so it will give me the time I need to decide if its good for me].
And yes I do lack friends, I live away from everyone I know at the moment and its expensive to visit friends that are scattered all over the country and world. Im trying to save a LOT of money over the next few years, so being conservative about spending is critical to me. I have a few work friends, but they are all very young and like to go out drinking as their prime activity. Its not something I am into anymore, plus in this town its stupid expensive. The ones that are around my age are married, have family and commitments, plus according to rules, it is very inappropriate to hang out with them on my off time due to fratenization issues. I am involved with groups in the area, but we are still at acquaintance level. In these groups I am more the young one and they are mostly a lot older than me. I am trying to find a medium, Im sure I will figure it out in time and by that time I will probably move. LOL.
Also I thought I acknowledge things will differ? I already know that every situation is different, the point was only that I take lots of time and am not a quick mover. Ive never been one to quickly jump into anything or anyone, amazing or not. So if I wanted marriage and a family before 4O I have to accept that there could be a possibility that will be unrealistic as well due to circumstances. I have so many things I am planning to do the next few years. Lack of time and effort may also be involved when I think of this more.
There are many events that will happen over the years ahead that will give me a good chance it will prevent me from either searching or it will make dating difficult for me. At least 3-4 more moves will exist, two career changes, moving to another country, etc. And at this point due to past experience, Long distance is not something I want. I may find short term, but long term will be trickier.
Now to be clear, it doesnt mean it wont happen and Im sure something will give in the next few years. But I rather be comfortable if shit happens too. I hope for the best and prepare for the worse. This is the one area in my life Ive never been confident about because love is based on too many factors out of my hands. I only can control myself in the situation. I understand for me, I may still have a few times before it works out and I rather be ready for that possibility and be surprised, then desiring and believing in a certain outcome and be upset. I know other people love and care about me, and for now that will suffice.
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 06/22/12 at 8:29 AM
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Fair_is_Fair,
It's sucky to read all this and discover that you're having a rough time. I'm big on hugs, and I want to give you one in a really big way! Imagine that I do okay please  kk
It's difficult for me to give titillating advice to you, or say something to you that would give you an additional perspective on what's troubling you, because you already know so much one way or another. You seem quite analytical.
But what can be said is you'll probably figure out, if you haven't yet, that after looking at it all, the only thing that's gonna pack this up for you is time.
Of all the great things you are, you are merely human, with human emotions that get plucked this way or that, no matter how much you may try to be more logical than anything. There's nothing we can do about it other than let time heal the wounds when these emotions are plucked too hard.
You've done what you can, it's in the past. I know you'll take away from that relationship, and whatever things the future has in store, it was a stepping stone in your direction.
All possible outcomes aside, may it be slow dating, marriage or not, you're gonna pick up from this disdain, and you will just naturally feel happier again. You know it.
I've seen you post on here when you were single, seeing someone, and in a relationship. There was one constant: You are always sound, experienced, confident advice(okay three constants to be technical). It never matters what your personal status is, whatever of the future becomes yours, you will continue to be happy, content, or whatever you want to call it, and a situation like your current one will be a laugh or a smirk later because you know how to get over it, even if that wasn't clear at the moment you created this thread.
Time will take care of this with you. This rough patch is just a stick in the mud these days, but it's not an omen of the road ahead.
I remember the reason I even came to these forums, will never forget my first experiences here. A lot of people just didn't get me, or didn't have enough information to make any helpful comments. Amongst the ones that did, there was someone so enlightening and knowledgeable, an easy read, and actually put a smile on my face concerning my whole ordeal. It was you, Fair_is_Fair. You have all the tools you need to get through this, you've shown it countless times, not just in my case. I know it will just be a matter of time before the days start looking up for you again, just like you helped them along for me.
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imo.
Last edited by JoeyVenson on 06/22/12 at 8:44 AM
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posted: 06/22/12 at 1:54 PM
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That was very sweet Joey, thank you for the response and the hug [I am big on hugs too!]. I think it is hard on me at the moment just because I am in it. I have been recovering well though, I think him being in another state for work for a couple weeks has helped uncloud my emotions a bit. I am quite an emotional person and it was hard to let him go because seeing his face and how disappointed he was just made it suck more. He didn't even fight me on this, when I told him the news he understood why.
Now the worse part is knowing I am sleeping alone. I dread going to bed because even though we had been on different shifts before, the significance of the absence is there. I will be helping him move when he comes back, it is weird to be civil with some one, but I didn't think this guy deserved to be treated any other way.
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 06/23/12 at 1:56 AM
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considering how nice it was without him around since he's away for work, maybe not help him move? I feel like that's sucking air into a cavity to see if it still hurts. He's a big boy even though he may not be established, I'm sure he could manage moving on his own or with other buddies. It'd just be another step in showing you're over the mother/son deal. It'd probably even help him if he had to make some calls and find someone else to help him move. I feel like it'd be win/win when it's said and done. But I don't know a whole lot about all this.
Which leads me to your questions of staying friends with exes.
The only thing I could say about that is if it feels natural then sure. If it feels like one of you isn't comfortable or is trying too hard then cut it loose.
In your case, you won't even be in the same city long, so keeping in touch or something sounds like more effort than it's worth?
I've never had a bad breakup(until this last one), and it's always felt natural to still be cool, and even meet up and go out somewhere with exes, mutual friend functions, stag/does, or just a bar we frequent as drinking buddies. I think I'm a rare case like that. In fact, I often don't verbally say "ex", and usually say "girl I used to see" or something to that effect because ex is really a harsh term considering how loving my relationships were, and how painless the breakups were. I think I say "ex" on this forum though because it's just easier to type and gets the point across.
The last one was my first actually BAD breakup, and I thought I was prepared for it, but there was a lot of hurtful things flying. No chance I'd try to be friends with her now, I respond to her FB messages with "sure" and "k". But when she's just saying hello, I don't respond back, don't want to give her any ideas, she knows how I feel, and she knows the hurtful stuff at the end was unnecessary and I didn't deserve it.
So sorry, rambling, but so far as being friends wit exes, if it's comfortable, sure. If it takes work or is uncomfortable, forge-da-boudit.
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imo.
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posted: 06/23/12 at 2:18 PM
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You may have a point about the move, I just felt it would be weird if I had to just watch him and do nothing. Maybe I should leave during the time he is putting his stuff together so it wouldn't look awkward. I remember when I had to move from my exes apartment the rest of my big stuff, it was nice that he wasn't there to be in the way. Although he asked wacky questions and seemed paranoid of a new man that didnt exist was going to help me move.
I guess I will just deal with the situation based on judgment for friends. I know things are never black and white, so its really hard to say all the time what is good and what is bad. When you move around as much as I do, it is sometimes good to hold onto good people. Sure I can always make friends in different places, but keeping friends for me creates a sense of stability. I keep in contact with everyone, so it doesn't bother me to put in the effort. I am always the more sentimental one any way and I am use to being the one that reaches out and goes "hey, how are you?" Its just my personality, but I will take this situation as it goes and judge from there.
Ive been thinking a lot lately in getting a pet to keep me company. Ive been wanting a pet for a while, but kept saying no to it due to money, time, etc. There is a rescue I have been interested in, so I may consider that the next couple of weeks. I know its not a very logical decision, but I think I always been happier with an animal in my life. So we will see how that develops...
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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