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The divorce from hell. I'm lost. posted: 04/30/13 at 11:33 PM
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Well, where to begin. I know I don't know anyone here, but I needed a place for advice from people who have been here. I'm feeling quite helpless and worried I may lose my children at this point.
I'm their mother, and I reside in California. They are 5 and 2, so they cannot speak for themselves yet. Through my married life with this man, I've been praised for what a good mom I am quite frequently. Things went downhill, he began taking medication for a mental problem and made poor financial decisions, then asked me to stop being a stay at home mom and get a job. I took the job. Things got terrible from there. The divorce started in February and it's been a roller coaster since then.
He kicked me out of the home, leaving me with nowhere to go. If I didn't already have my own account, I would have been penniless as well. He hid my children from me, not allowing me to see them for up to a week at a time. When I would ask him where they were, his responses were volatile and manipulative. Things like "what do you care, the kids don't even know who you are. Go away and stop bothering us." As you can imagine, these sorts of comments are hard for me to hear, but I continue to take the high road and let him think what he wants. He holds a grudge against me for working a job he asked me to get. It has been a source of contention between us for some time.
Not long into the divorce process, he filed an Ex Parte Motion against me. This essentially means that he can get full custody of the children without the judge hearing a word on my part. Then I found that he filed an order prohibiting me from going near the marital home - the home that my name is on. He changed the locks so that I could not retrieve my things. Meanwhile, I'm trying to be courteous amidst my terror of losing my children. For what? What have I done? We went to mediation, where I endured more of his hostility openly in front of the mediator, and we worked out a custody agreement. It was signed and made into a court order. The ex parte motion and the property issue were dismissed.
Oh but it gets better. Up until this point, I have not been vindictive to him in the slightest. I have not asked for child support or alimony, despite the fact that I am borrowing against my credit card each month to make ends meet. I work part time at a "just entering the workforce" sort of job. Today, Child Protective Services showed up at my home and asked to come inside and talk with me about bruises on my children and a possible case of neglect. I was stunned.
Yes, my children have bruises on their legs and thighs. But it's certainly not from my hands. I happen to have a very rough, hands-on little girl who tumbles and falls. She's so used to her self-imposed bumps and bruises that she never mentions them, and I'm quite honestly no longer aware of them. That's just part of my daughter. The youngest is following in her footsteps in grand fashion, managing to secure herself some lovely, cranial adornments in an effort not to be one upped by her dangerous sister. In short: they're children. Don't children bump themselves up?
The neglect part was because my job is graveyard. I stay awake for 24 hours one day a week to watch my children and adjust to a normal schedule for my weekend. He told them that I sleep and leave the children unsupervised.
I looked these poor women in the eyes and told them that this whole thing was preposterous. CPS? Honestly? When asked if they wanted to take a look around the home, they commented that the home looked very clean and obviously suited for children, so they weren't going to look.
I'm hoping that the case is dropped. Even so, it was filed. It will remain on file as a case against me. Nevermind the fact that my children showed up at my house today with bruises all over their legs. One of them was covered in flea bites. He's leaving them somewhere very dirty. I filed for child support and alimony.
That's the gist of my story. I'm feeling pretty lost at this moment. I feel like I'm in danger of losing my children. Online research has yielded me an option that may protect me and my children from further anguish.
A temporary Protective Order based on abuse. Does he meet the standards? Oh yes. Verbal abuse, harassment, threats, damage of personal property. Threatening to put a bullet in my head in front of my children, yelling obscenities at me in front of them, punching holes in the walls. He's a very angry man, and up until I found out about protective orders, I have been despairing over what damage he may be doing to my children when he has them.
But of course, my situation cannot be so one dimensional. I also have a live in boyfriend now. He's wonderful to me and my children, and they ask him for kisses goodbye when he leaves for work. I'm afraid that he will be the target of my ex's anger next. I'm also afraid that having him in the house will negate anything that I file in my favor.
So where am I going with all of this rambling? I suppose I'm looking for California moms who have also dealt with nasty divorce. I need advice on my options, how do I take the wind out of his sails? How do I protect myself? How bad can it go for me if I get brave and file this Protective Order?
He has a lawyer, and I don't. Obviously, I can't afford a lawyer, I can barely pay my rent.
Thanks to anyone who has insight or experience. Some sort of light to guide me through this tunnel of anguish would be much appreciated.
-Habanero (Habby)
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posted: 05/08/13 at 5:14 PM
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I am sorry I am not American but I am sure there are lawyers available for little money or no cost for people with low income.
There are too many things I don't understand in your story. If your name is on the house how come he kicked you out? You cannot be kicked out of your own property. As long as your name is on it you have the right to access it. Why he got full custody of the children when he is the one with mental issues? I don't get it. To have a restraining order against someone, and to keep children away from their mother someone has to have some SERIOUS reasons. Judges just don't take children away from their mom for the heck of it.
Last, you split from your ex in February and you already have a live-in boyfriend?? That is very bad judgment on your part. You have a battle to fight here. With everything that is happenning to you how did you find the time and the desire to meet a new man?? Or this man was already there before you got pushed out of your home?
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