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The big "O" -- a woman's perspective posted: 11/20/09 at 3:18 AM
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In the past I've had girlfriends who I really seemed to click with from a sex perspective ... but not so with my wife :-( Here is the situation:
The girlfriend before my wife and I were together for 2 years and we had the most amazing sex life! It seemed like she could have orgasm after orgasm and sometimes I felt like I had to fight her away with a stick. She loved to receive oral and was always dressing sexy and looking for an excuse to jump into bed.
Now my wife and I have been discussing some marital issues -- not angrily or anything, but being candid with one another -- and she tells me she hasn't had an orgasm since our first time together which was 10 years ago!! Obviously it was hard on my self esteem that she has been faking for years. And she is completely immune to my oral ... it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for her.
My question for the women is this: does this kind of thing happen often that you know about? Do either you or your friends fake it -- especially over a 10 year relationship? I keep in shape and even occasionally get asked out by women (but haven't acted on any of the offers) and, here's the kicker: I thought I actually had good technique because when I was in high school my friend who was a girl taught me how to do oral (that's a whole other story!) Perhaps I'm not as good of a lover as I thought(?)
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posted: 11/20/09 at 4:52 AM
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Hi again! 
Of course, she may be completely honest with you, but wow! I don't think I could fake it for that long! I have faked an orgasm before, especially when I first started out with sex... he didn't know how to get me to one and heck neither did I... but, well that's quite a feat to fake it for 10 years. At this point in my life now, if I don't have an orgasm, I don't have one. I've been with men who could care less if I did or not and I've been with men that won't stop until I get mine... but not having an orgasm when the man is trying to give a woman that big "O" is not his fault, unless he doesn't recognize listen to what she needs/wants to feel comfortable enough to experience that release.
With that said, this doesn't mean you aren't good in bed, but it does mean that there has been a lot of communication left out of the bedroom. I mean, in faking it for all this time, she has really only been selling herself short, if this is really the case. There could have been so many times she could have led you in a better direction, and heck, if you thought you were doing a great job from all your faking, what was there for you to even know to try to change.
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It's all a learning experience... as long as you're willing to learn.
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posted: 11/20/09 at 5:23 AM
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Yep.
If it's bad, faking it is the easiest and fastest way to get it over with.
Is it a good idea? Nah, that's like telling a kid he did a good job cleaning his room when he actually did a really crappy job. You can always expect the crappy job from then on out.
However, a lot of guys are not easy to approach about the subject of their own sexual prowess. So rather than hurt any feelings, it is just easier to fake orgasms than have a talk/fight that might result in bruised egos.
The thing is: she's hurting HERSELF here. You can ask her what she'd like done differently, or if she cares about having the orgasm or not. Sex can be fun and meaningful even without an orgasm. At the end of the day, appreciate that you got off, and that she got to give that to you.
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posted: 11/20/09 at 7:35 AM
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Was she used to having a lot of orgasms before you were together? How does she feel about not having an orgasm all these years? Does she want to work on having one?
It wasn't until I was 25yrs old until I had the big "O". And I was by myself! lol I was determined to have it, so I practiced all different kinds of things until...Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh that's what it feels like. So now I know.
But before then, I faked it. I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong; I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't know what an orgasm felt like anyways. Maybe I had one, I would think to myself. Back then, I was all about making the guy happy, and I enjoyed making the guy happy, so it was not a big deal to me.
In no way, were any of those guys "bad" at sex. The reason I faked it was because I was not in tune with my body. I didn't know how to reach orgasm. But it wasn't because I had bad lovers. And even though I didn't orgasm with them, I really did enjoy myself and felt I had great sex.
So this is something you two can explore together. It may be fun. But I wouldn't automatically interpret as you being unattractive or a bad in bed .
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posted: 11/20/09 at 8:06 AM
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It's not YOUR fault- she was dishonest with you. She LIED to you. She pretended and faked and LIED, and she made no effort to change and make things better. If I were you, I'd be absolutely FURIOUS with her.
How can you build a life with someone whom you can't even trust enough to speak to about sexual issues? How can you go into a marriage pretending to enjoy sexual activities when in reality you do not? That, to me, is emotional abuse.
I'm bisexual and have had lots of experience with women, and I can tell you with absolute authority that each girl has different buttons to push, and it is almost impossible to find the right technique without feedback. It's like flying an airplane in the dark without a pilot's license. It is up to the GIRL to let the guy know where her buttons are. If she doesn't orgasm, and doesn't take responsibility for HER orgasm, then there is little a guy can do about that.
Is she willing to work on this with you? Or is she going to continue making your sex life miserable with this total lack of effort on her part?
You need to start asking her some serious questions....
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Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused by you...
who am I to disagree? Sweet dreams are made of these.....
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posted: 11/21/09 at 12:04 AM
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Thanks so much for your feedback! I have to admit that I feel like kind of a schmuck over this whole thing, but I have always asked her for feedback so I don't think this was a question of the stereotypical fragile male ego getting in the way.
To answer your question, she actually did not have any prior experience. I was her first. So basically the only time she says that she's been able to have an orgasm was when she lost her virginity.
It seemed like she made an effort to have a sex life, but then completely gave up after a few years of marriage. We've had a lot of problems ever since that point. I also could have probably done more from my end, but I also sort of "gave up" at a certain point as well.
The point is well taken that we need to communicate more and, believe me, there is a whole long thread on the "Love Advice" forum dedicated to that issue. I think the whole big "O" realization and the contents of the other discussion have sort of been like the straw-that-breaks-the-camel's-back for me.
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posted: 11/21/09 at 2:57 AM
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If she didn't have any prior experience before you, and you two haven't a very fufilling sex life, and she's lied to you all these years and has been faking it....then I'm inclined to think she never had an orgasm at all. I think it's highly unlikely that she had her first and only orgasm when she lost her virginity.
Because if she had....she most definitely would have spoke up sooner!
When I related my experience in my other response, I never complained about having sex w/o an orgasm because I didn't know what I was missing.
After I had the big O, it was like OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want that ALL the time!!!!!!!! lol
So putting all this together (and from your other post re: the crush): Sex isn't that important to your wife because she isn't getting anything out of it. She has never had an orgasm.
You two need to get together and work on this. For me, a vibrator was the best purchase ever! You should get one for her and let her play with it. If she is shy about it, let her play with it by herself for awhile. She needs to get in tune with her own body. Good luck!
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posted: 11/21/09 at 3:43 AM
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CC--you can always count on me for a different point of view.
Let's look at the situation here:
You sound like you have quite a bit of experience sexually. You mention "girlfriendS" in the past and in particular an ex right before your wife who seems to have been even more sexual than you. You also mention a female "friend" in high school who actualy taught YOU how to do oral--obviously you were not her first student. So BEFORE your wife, you were hangin' with females who were apparently more experienced and more sexual than you. However, as a wife, you chose a woman who was a virgin when she met you and you have been her only lover for the past 10 years.
Do you think it's fair to expect your wife to perform at the sexual level of your previous girlfriends when she had not had a chance to get the kind of experience they apparently had? And by the time you were with your wife, you were VERY experienced sexually so your standards were very high. You had a lot to compare with and you did.
Think of things that you've never ever done before that you have no idea if you have a talent for or you have any ability? Take that thing and imagine someone expecting you to be some kind of superstar? Would that be fair to you? How would you feel about it? Would you feel intimidated? Would you doubt yourself? And if so, how would that make your feel about wanting to continue doing that "thing"?
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Live in a way that leaves no regrets.
Strive most to inderstand what you fear most.
To change our lives, we must first change our minds.
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posted: 11/21/09 at 1:55 PM
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| The question that you should be trying to figure out, is what happens next. You obviously want it to change, but does she? You guys need to talk about it and figure out what you both want and then go and do it. Books, toys and mutual masturbating are all ways of beginning to explore ways in which you can both satisfy each other. Make it a fun new discovery instead of an old bad tale.
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american
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