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Looking for answers not judgment posted: 07/27/12 at 4:37 PM
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I will make this as short as I can without leaving out important details. I have been married just shy of 7 years, together with my husband almost 11 years. In April of this year he strayed from our marriage and sought out one of my friends, who also happened to be a bridesmaid from our wedding. We have been in counseling but I personally don't feel like my feelings about the situation are changing.
I am heartbroken. Every man I have been with I have left for cheating. My husband was not the cheating type. He admitted in therapy that he was lacking attention from me due to my busy schedule with work and school and that caused him to stray. Our marriage was starting to fall apart before that and I just think this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
Now since this has gone on I have reached out to a male friend. He has been there to help me through all of the emotions that I am going through having been divorced in the past himself. He truly has been a life saver as there have been nights I have thought being dead was better than being alive.
During these last few months something happened I wasn't expecting. We both developed strong feelings for each other. He says that he loves me. He's played me songs that make him think of me. Our relationship has been intimate. All of this however has only happened online being that he lives a few hours away from me. (We used to live in the same area but he moved a few years back).
I've told him I don't want to be the mistress as he is also married. He doesn't want to lose me however he won't just up and leave his wife. I can't necessarily say that I expect him to. He says hes never done anything like this before. Can I trust that? This guy is not the player type. If anything he seems as unlucky at love as myself. He continues to tell me we don't know what will happen in the future. Is he stringing me along? It doesn't seem like he cares about the sex at all and that this is more of an emotional relationship which makes me think there has to be a lot lacking in his marriage.
During one of our many conversations I brought up the fact that my husband refused to do IVF because he didn't believe in it and my husband well knows because of my situation this is the only way we will have kids. This ends it for me as I want kids terribly and time is ticking away very fast. My friend has said he would do anything to give me a child and would be honored to help make me a mother even though it would be a rather complicated situation. We even sat and talked about baby names. I asked him if he had ever picked out baby names before. He said no. (He has no past biological children). The fact that he can give of him self so selflessly knowing the difficulty of it makes me think that deep down it has to be love. Guys don't just offer these things up everyday do they?
The other night I confronted him and said exactly what do you expect to happen in the future for us to be together. What would have to happen? He said he wasn't sure. I just don't know what to think. I am pretty well decided that when I am done with school in December I will file papers for divorce from my husband. The only thing that haunts me are memories of the past and the fear of failure. As far as my current predicament, he says that I will never be alone because he will be there for me. Can someone like this ever really leave and come to the one they SAY they love or am I just living in a dream world? He isn't the player type and everything he says seems so legit, even when we're on the phone together. I don't want to keep holding on to something I know will be a dead end. Please help!
Last edited by kunvaras1615 on 07/27/12 at 8:28 PM
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posted: 07/28/12 at 8:24 AM
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You cannot count on him until he makes the decision to leave his wife for you. Would I be right in saying that she probably has no idea about what he's up to? If so, the chances of him actually following through with what he says are even more remote.
The words that comes from a married man's lips can rarely be trusted, especially when he doesn't give any indication that he intends to leave his wife. Their favorite thing to do is make all the promises in the world while rarely following through with action. You're also in a fragile state which is not helping your clarity on what he's saying. I mean really...he's going to provide with with a child so you can be a mother, but he's going to keep living with his own wife and have his own life? His wife is not supposed to know he fathered a child with another woman? All of this is supposed to work out for the best? Sounds like quite the long shot to me.
My advice here is to keep challenging him on making a choice. When it comes to married men who won't make a decision, they will keep you in this circle for as long as you allow it. You have to force him into action. If he will not act, then you have your answer.
You can always judge a man's true intentions by watching his actions, and not his words. Men are that simple.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
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posted: 07/31/12 at 1:29 PM
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Take care of yourself and things at home first. School and divorce.
As far as this other guy is concerned. What makes you think that you can count on him? He is married and lives two hours away.
What he is proposing to you regarding fathering a child is b.s.
You say he doesn't seem like a player, from what you have written he is the definition of a player. He is letting you vent, telling you everything you want to hear and letting you think that he is always going to be there for you. Once he gets what he wants he'll be back to his family.
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american
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 posted: 08/01/12 at 2:24 AM
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This is the letter I wrote him tonight.....just need to work up the nerve to send it
What do I say? What do I do? I am a married woman in love with a married man. This would be fine if it were the man I married but it’s not. To add to that confusion I want to leave him but I don’t know if I am strong enough to leave him. Memories come rushing back and they stop me from doing what needs to be done. The nights I spend with you I am always so happy. It has been so long since I’ve been this happy. When I’m on my own to think about things that have happened though, the realism of the situation sinks in. The very thing that I hate my husband so strongly for is the very thing that I find myself doing as well. I have run to a friend to support and gotten tied up in mixed emotions. The reality of this all is that even if I can’t pull my marriage back together what makes me think that my friendship can become a happily ever after? Deep down in my stomach I know it’s not possible. I let you continue to lie to me. Why? Why am I letting myself listen to this garbage? I have tried a couple times to shut you down and tell you the reality of the situation but you refuse to hear it. You swear that we will find a way to be together but you have no idea how. You don’t know how because it isn’t possible. I think it’s safe to say that you’re in love with two women and you can’t choose. I need to be the better person and walk away. You have a wife. You made a vow before God and your family and friends. I shouldn’t be destroying that. I don’t want to be known as the home wrecker.
This is all very hard for me. I always believe that God brings us to certain times and places for a reason. He brought you me to help me through my hardship. I thank you for that. Perhaps I overstepped my bounds. That is why this is hard now. I don’t know if we can go back to being just friends. I don’t know how to tell myself to not love you; to not want more. It doesn’t matter though because these are things I must do, we must do. Maybe someday our lives will find us both unmarried and then at that point we can get to know each other in a greater capacity but we both know what we are doing isn’t right and these things never turn out well. You will get from me what you need and you will move on. Not only will I deal with a divorce but I will deal with a loss of you. It would be far easier for me to cut the ties from you now and grieve my loss than to try to do this after we have developed a physical connection. It kills me because I have yearned for this day but I have to do what is right. You belong to someone else and I just don’t see that ever changing. You tell me that we don’t know what the future will bring but if we will always remain a secret and she or anybody else will never know about us, that tells me you do not love me as much as her. The one you choose to be with is the one you ultimately love. I refuse to go to bed lonely every night because the man I chose to love is married to another woman. I also believe I deserve more than to have to share with someone else.
This whole thing kills me inside. I second guess your words. What was true, what was said just to get what you wanted? Were you playing on my heart strings knowing my fragile state and knowing I was an easy target? I just really don’t know what to think anymore. I am so angry with myself for allowing myself to get wrapped up into this fairy tale that I somehow think could come true. I have been played so many times in my life, you would think by now I would know what it looks like and see it coming. I guess I’ll never learn.
So where do I go from here. If I know you like I do, you’ll step back and walk away telling me if I need anything you’ll be there but essentially you will fade into the shadows. By telling you this I will ultimately lose you which is something I don’t want to do but at this point I really don’t have a choice. I will continue the seemingly pointless therapy with my husband and try to salvage a marriage that is already so far gone. Perhaps in six months I will find myself filing for divorce as I have said, who knows. Maybe I will still be with him six years from now. I did promise him forever, even if he couldn’t uphold his end of the bargain. You must always remember this; anything I ever shared with you in confidence must stay that way. NO ONE must ever know the things that I have shared with you about my husband. NO ONE! He may not always be the best husband but he has supported me for almost eleven years now and I have to respect that.
Maybe fate will bring us together some day when the time is right. I will forever wonder what might have been but trust me I am doing what is best.
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posted: 08/10/12 at 7:26 AM
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| I am confused! You want divorce for a person who really loves you as you say. This is not enough he loves you he should leave her wife or anything like this. Are you sure he never leaves you as like you are leaving your husband, sorry to say this but I think you should make decission carefully.
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posted: 08/11/12 at 6:48 AM
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I had to dig out my silly rules:
Look, if you plan to get involved with a married person (man or woman), you need to know a few rules.
First and foremost, this person is NOT going to leave the spouse for YOU, and you shouldn't never expect that anyway.
Secondly, you need to make sure you are getting involved with a decent person, who, instead of letting you hang, will take up the responsibility if things go wrong.
Thirdly, his/her family is ALWAYS more important than you.
Then there would be no devastation.
If you can't stick to these rules, then don't do it; if you still want to do it, then don't cry your eyes out.
Oh, the last rule is we are all humans and we fall hard even knowning the 3 rules above and we get hurt during the process.
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Divorce makes marriage meaningless.
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