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posted: 08/10/12 at 10:13 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Tr1sh
There needs to be lots & lots of romance & build up before hand over the course of several days/nights. I suggest the following:
Text her & with a short "I love you" message. Flirt all week like this.
Call her & plan an elaborate dinner date. It doesn't have to be expensive just something out of the ordinary. Romance her. open the door, hold out her chair, hold her hand, gaze lovingly into her eyes, feed her . . .etc. The whole 9 yards.
During that meal tell her you have a plan & it involves backing off. Explain that you are going to back off the sex thing for a short while & pour on the romance. I'm thinking at least a week to 10 days. You can plan something romantic for the next Saturday night & you will have supplies by then (don't tell her that part).
Take her dancing or for a moonlit stroll. Just do something romantic. Then go somewhere & have a hot steamy make out session but don't go past 2nd base.
As the week to ten days progresses keep the romance up -- texts, e-mails, at least once per day. Buy her flowers. If you can afford it, have them delivered to her office. Send her a mushy card via snail mail. Send her a naughty / flirty card via snail mail. Buy her a teddy bear. Get her a bottle of perfume. Other than the 1 card, the contact should be more about love & romance than sex. Keep the innuendos to a minimum.
When you do see her, ramp up the make out sessions bit by bit each night . . . carresses through the clothes, then under, then use your mouth above the waist, then below. Give her the chance to touch & explore you.
The point is you want to stimulate her mind, then her heart & finally her body. Remember your brain is the biggest sex organ.
All week you want to leave her wanting more. You are going to have to take a lot of cold showers & become best friends with your hand again. Sorry. Until she's ready to manually stimulate you, you get no relief while you are with her.
When the big night comes, again you should have an elaborate romantic date. It can be as simple as a candle light picnic or as grand as dinner in a 5 star restaurant followed by a carraige ride. What you do doesn't matter as much as the focus on her does. Give her more flowers.
Ideally if it's in the budget get her a day of pampering earlier -- massage, mani-pedi etc. You want her relaxed!
If you can, buy her new lingerie for the ocassion -- something sweet like a nighty (save the elaborate garters etc. for later) and a new shorty robe. The robe is important. She needs a sense of medesty at this point.
Draw her a bubble bath. Play soft music & light lots of candles. Let her drink champagne in the tub. Do not take the bath with her. When you are in the room she should be comepletely covered in bubbles.
When she gets out you can wrap her in a big fluffy towel to dry her but be discrete. Leave her alone to dress for bed.
The bedroom should be lit with candles & soft music. You should be wearing at least boxers. Bare chested is good; naked is too much just yet. Pick her up & place her on the bed. Lots & lots of kisses. Give her a sensual full body massage; touch every part of her. Use some type of lotion or oil. When she's puttty in your hands, then move to oral. Only after she's writhing, then & only then should you even try for penatration.
The date / process I envisioned for the night of should take at least 4-6 hours before you try to have sexual intercourse.
Much of what I said can be expensive but it's not about the money. If the budget's not there just pare some of it down but keep the romance going full force. You have got to make her want you on 3 levels: emotionally, mentally & physically.
Good luck.
Whoaa! If a man was like that to me, I'll be a nympho straight up!! This is a perfect guide how every man should be...wishful thinking.
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posted: 08/12/12 at 3:59 PM
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I have a different opinion.
I think her problem is only physical. She is afraid of hurting. When women wait too long to have sex for the first time they get more and more afraid of 'that pain' they're suppose to experience on their first time.
My bet is as soon as she feels pressure she asks you to stop in fear of that pain. Yes she needs to just accept it will hurt and to bear the pain. If she doesn't want you to push through her hymen then she needs to ask her doctor to cut it. Some hymen are stronger/thicker than others.
First time I had intercourse (18) it was very painful and I bled through the sheets and mattress. That is how it is for some women. Some don't feel a thing, others it's like a surgery.
Also, sometimes the hymen doesn't break, it just stretches and intercourse is possible but always painful, another case where doctor needs to help nature and cut it.
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posted: 08/12/12 at 8:53 PM
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If you guys try to go ahead even though it hurts, you risk emotionally traumatising her.
My question is: does she masturbate? Has she ever used a vibrator? Is she familiar with how things work down there? Because that can play a part in making her feel more comfortable.
Are you 100% sure that there's been no previous sexual trauma? With stuff like child abuse, sometimes we block it all out, but that would certainly have an effect.
I'd suggest getting a toy that is smaller than you are, and using that together with a lot of foreplay and oral sex - I'd say at least an hour and try to give her at least one orgasm - and then cover it with lube and insert it, while kissing and touching her.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 08/12/12 at 10:07 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by brokenstar85
Are you 100% sure that there's been no previous sexual trauma? With stuff like child abuse, sometimes we block it all out, but that would certainly have an effect.
I hate this. When I was a virgin and wouldn't have sex with someone I dated, I have had guys comment if I had some trauma or abuse! This is very inapprioriate and rude...to think that that's a cause just makes me punch someone in the face. This is using guilt and saying to her she's got problems.
No, it has nothing to do with trauma but more about so many other factors. Not ready, afraid, ashamed, shy, not trusting your partner enough. Those are all major factors that play a huge role into why a (virgin) will not have sex or is hard to do.
People need to lay off the notion that difficulty to have sex is an immidiate root to sexual trauma. Think for a second that the partner in question is the Problem.
He probably isn't treating her with care and he's annoyance is written all over him...not once has this OP said they discussed this openly, he loves her but not enough to dump her about an issue that he's not prepared to work on fixing. *rolls eyes*
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posted: 08/12/12 at 11:28 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by baby07
I hate this. When I was a virgin and wouldn't have sex with someone I dated, I have had guys comment if I had some trauma or abuse! This is very inapprioriate and rude...to think that that's a cause just makes me punch someone in the face. This is using guilt and saying to her she's got problems.
No, it has nothing to do with trauma but more about so many other factors. Not ready, afraid, ashamed, shy, not trusting your partner enough. Those are all major factors that play a huge role into why a (virgin) will not have sex or is hard to do.
People need to lay off the notion that difficulty to have sex is an immidiate root to sexual trauma. Think for a second that the partner in question is the Problem.
It is not automatically the case, but it can not be ruled out. Sadly a lot of kids suffer from sexual abuse - my best friend was, so was my stepmother, and it is going to have an impact on how those people view sex.
I didn't have sex until I was 20. I instinctively avoided men and relationships without knowing why. My first sexual encounters were painful and not enjoyable at all. I assumed I was broken, and the doctors thought I had a physical problem. Therapists that I saw assumed sexual abuse, but I couldn't remember anything. Then, about 2 years ago, something happened and it triggered flashbacks and I realised that when I was about 9 years old, my mother brought a lover into the house who exposed himself and masturbated in front of me. For about 15 years I'd blocked it out completely, but all the time it was there in the back of my mind, infecting the views I had about men and sex and myself.
Did something like that happen to her? I don't know and I can't judge, but it is a possibility and the OP needs to be open to the fact that it is a possibility.
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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