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Momma's Boy  posted: 05/20/13 at 7:44 PM
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He's 40yrs old. I'm 33. We live together for 5 months. Seems like when there are problems, he needs to call his mother & have her speak to me about what kind of person he is. I'm tired of this. His families approval means everything to him. Now that he involved his mother in our last argument, she's very cold to me. We have since reconciled, but she is holding a grudge. He now tells me that WE are ok & she will have to get over it.
How do I make him stop calling his mother when we have a disagreement? He is extremely close with both his parents. I don't know what to do anymore.
Advice?
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posted: 05/20/13 at 8:57 PM
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The only way to get him to stop is to put your foot down. Inform him that his mother is NOT to be involved in your relationship. If he needs to talk things out with a sympathetic ear, he can talk to a friend. His mother cannot be neutral and as such he shouldn't go to her. It's only prejudicing her against you and that will give her the message that she has the right to interfere. He's allowing her to think her opinion should matter, when the only people whose opinions should carry weight are yours and his.
If this were me, it would be a deal breaker. I don't know how you'd feel about that, so you'll have to decide whether or not you can live with this if he refuses to cut his mother out.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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posted: 05/20/13 at 9:07 PM
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| Tell him when he says less than complimentary things to her about you, it affects how she sees and treats you, and that hurts you. What's between you two is between you two ONLY. He needs to grow up and quit running to Mommy every time he needs to be told how right and wonderful he is and how wrong you are. That's just low class.
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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
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posted: 05/20/13 at 9:29 PM
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Involving the parents is very toxic. I am assuming his mother is also very close to her baby boy and he does nothing wrong. Tell him if he continues to involve his mother in disagreements, this will ruin this relationship and any relationship he does have because he is sending signals for "help" when there is no fire, just a small flame. Of course she is going to worry, over react and turn against any woman he dates. He cant just say "she will get over it." No, he needs to straighten this out and stop involving his mother from now on.
Every relationship is going to have their differences and he can not involve his mother to resolve every difference for him. He needs himself and you from now on. Thats it.
This is the only time you involve your mother ----> Ma we broke up.
Other than that, they should not be involved.
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When I am at work, its like I am Iron Man...I feel invincible when I don the armor of success....
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posted: 05/20/13 at 10:54 PM
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I read your story in the Ask a male section. You are as responsible as he is for bringing outsiders into your relationship. You took pictures of his back and text them to his mother to show he's a cheater. You also confined in his sister about your relationship problems. Instead of putting down the fire you've been poring oil over it.
I have a hard time imagining 2 adults your age behaving this way.
You have a conversation with him about keeping your relationship problems to yourself. If this is not something he can do then you break up. Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work, you need respect and consideration toward each other and you don't have them.
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posted: 05/20/13 at 11:57 PM
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I purposely do not get involved in my brother and SILs relationship because whatever drama they have, I figure he married her! However, whenever my brother wants to vent about her--who does he call? Me. But I keep the info to myself and my opinion is it ALWAYS takes two to tango, so while I feel both have their issues, I can understand both sides.
IMHO while I am all for people staying out of relatives' relationships, the worst thing you can do is talk badly about his mother or family and expect him to choose sides--especially when it sounds like you are both soliciting help. Him from his mother and you from his sister. So don't blame either of them. Most likely they would prefer not to be involved.
Remember, regardless of what happens with you and him, he will always have them, especially if they are close. You need to decide if you can live with that. Don't try to compete with his mother.
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Live in a way that leaves no regrets.
Strive most to understand what you fear most.
To change our lives, we must first change our minds.
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