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Three months later... [Update] posted: 03/31/12 at 8:51 AM
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Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've been on here. I've been pretty busy with school and I don't feel as sad about my situation as I did when I first posted here. To keep a long story short, I met a very sweet and kind girl last year, she was doing a foreign exchange program with my university for a couple months. During her time here, we spent a lot of time together and one day I asked her to be my girlfriend but she's uncertain about our futures because we live on different continents. After the first time I asked her out, I expressed my feelings for her and told her how much I like her. When I sent her off at the airport, she admitted that she likes me. Although I was happy, I was frustrated and wondered why she would wait till then to tell me. The good thing is that she plans to come back to the US for graduate school and she has stored some of her belongings at my house until she returns. I don't really mind keeping it for her because it doesn't take up much space. We also agreed to keep in touch online. For more details about the rest of the story, read my other thread, "She went home, what's next?"
Well, three months have passed since she's left the US and we still talk to each other, actually quite often. Due to the half-day time difference, we would still chat with each other a couple times a week for a couple hours each time without running out of stuff to talk about. We usually start off talking about our days, then end up talking about a bunch of random stuff. Basically we do everything a couple would do, from comforting each other and giving each other encouragement. The only time we would stop talking is if it's getting late and one of us have to go to sleep. She also seems to worry about my health when I don't get enough sleep or when I don't eat my meals at the right time. This actually brings me to one of the things I'm confused about. When she tells me to go to sleep, sometimes I can't tell if she's trying to get rid of me or if she's actually concerned about me sleeping at odd hours and not getting enough rest. I'm hoping the latter.
Based on my observations, the frequency, and duration of our chat sessions, it really seems like she still likes me and really enjoys talking to me. Sometimes she would be online at work and we would talk to each other briefly when we take breaks from our work. Everyday is a long day for her, she wakes up early for work and usually gets back home after regular working hours. Although she may be tired from work, I like how she makes the time and effort to talk to me a couple times a week. Seeing that our webcam/voice conversations last a couple hours, sometimes I feel bad for keeping her awake after she's had a long day and needs to rest for the next day. However, I don't know how long this trend will last.
Although things seem to be going well right now, I'm still a little uncertain about the future. Sometimes we would talk about our plans for the future, like our careers and where we plan to settle down. It seems like none of us are planning to leave our homes. Even though she plans to come to the US for grad school, she plans to go home after she graduates and continue her career there. Since she's an only child, she cannot leave her parents and where ever she plans to settle down in the future, her parents will follow her. Sometimes we would make future travel plans to visit many different places. So far, she has met my parents, but I haven't met her parents yet besides a brief conversation with her mother on webcam.
Even though things may seem hopeless now, I will still remain optimistic about the situation. It's just that sometimes I ask myself if I should continue to pursue this relationship because of the long distance. I usually never give up on my goals or anybody that I care about and I'm not ready to give up on her because I still like her a lot. We're still young (early 20s) to be thinking this far into the future. Like we've agreed, a relationship takes time to develop and I hope that things will work out between us in the future. In the meantime, I will continue to show her that I care about her. What do you think about all of this? Am I going too far? What's your best advice on what to do next?
I apologize for the long post, but I just wanted to express my thoughts. Thank you if you read this far. Any advice is appreciated.
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posted: 04/01/12 at 2:00 AM
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Honestly? Given the background and the latest update, I would go about my life, keep in touch when you can and date other girls.
Life is too short to lock yourself into a LDR with someone who is not 100% committed. If neither of you are planning to leave your homes, then where dose that leave you? Frustrated and lonely. Do you WANT to have a long-term relationship with someone whose parents will be part of the package? I wouldn't. Too much family!
Life your life now, in the present. Best if you can get out and not spend oodles of time glued to the screen. Date other people, say hi when you can-and leave time to determine if she is the One for you.
Best,
Poetman
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Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.
You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E
I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E
I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E
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posted: 04/14/12 at 5:39 PM
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Dears,
Please don't be over worried. For long distance love, in my 5 years experience, the most important thing is 2 people are really honest and sincere because when you can't look into her eyes and hold her hands it is very difficult to know her feeling. As long as you guys are still attracted by each other try to be honest and don't forget to show your passion. After some time you will be more sensitive to the changes of voice and the words she use when chatting, just need her hi you will know how is she.
However, I have to say it will be very hard and hurt because sometimes u really need to stay near together in person and to be hugged in real. You know girl is weak and sweet, when she is sad saying she misses you so much just try to support her, she will still love you no matter how far you are.
When i started my relationship i also had lots of worries such as family agreement, distance, culture... Overall worries are worries, it will last but not to break up a real love. I am now just wishing we both have good health to stay for long life together.
Cheers and good luck,
Huyen.
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Huyen
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posted: 04/19/12 at 12:16 AM
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I would do like Poetman wrote. I would enjoy the friendship and date others- I would also call less often and spend less time talking.... this will be better for you. When she says to sleep or whatever, it is, (in my opinion, a polite though passive cue to want to end the conversation)
I have said it myself, in my 20's"You must be tired" or"You really should get to bed" or "Do you get enough sleep- it must be (whatever time it is) ten o'clock there" (yawn) sometimes the person I was speaking to didn't get the clue- would'nt pick up on it and then, a while later I'd say "I have to get up at 6,00am so will try and get some sleep" Sometimes (and this is all when I was younger)I would say "Have you had dinner?" or "Have you eaten?" it was more to have them say "No, I must go now and eat" or "Yeah, I am feeling a bit hungry come to think of it"
I mean, it can be said by someone who cares or by someone who cares but just doesn't know how to end a conversation. Later (but prearranged) I would have my mother knock on the door and have that be the excuse-
Course I don't do that any longer. She may not be doing that either-
She has said she was going to return home after her post graduate studies, so I think unless you are prepared to have the entire family, mum and dad and whomever else move to the States (have you checked how you can do that- I would check how that is done, in the event you want to marry her- and so the process is known to you-)
And would her parents want to move to the US and are you prepared to get them a house nearby or next to yours and are you prepared to have them live with you or be a huge part of your everyday life-and I know right now that isn't probably on your mind.
Also, is she even willing to be your girlfriend yet, and when she returns to the States (she had told you she'd let you know if she wanted you to be her bf- has she let you know that -) otherwise talking four hours a week is a lot of time if you aren't going to be seen as anything special at the end of it.
when you are talking for four hours a week, find out these things, so you aren't just wasting your time on a tme waster.
She was uncertain before. How does she feel now?
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posted: 04/27/12 at 3:40 PM
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To be honest, I would go with what most people have said here: She never showed signs of committing to you - for whatever reason - and you must take that at face value and get on with your life!
If she said it for fear or something more understandable, that was still her choice and her loss, and if she made a mistake then she will come to her senses soon enough if she cares that much about you.
Go about your life, date, have fun, be young. LDRs are not easy and are not for everybody, and if I could have met my SO later on in life I would've.
If you and her are really meant to be together then life will find a way of pushing you together - of making you bump into each other on some random street in the US; of bringing her back into your internet biosphere and striking up a relationship again; or of just having things come together right now.
There are a wealth of stories out there about couples separated from each other time and time again for whatever reason, and STILL coming back together 50 years later!!
Good luck with it all
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Que este amor siempre defendere con unyas y dientes
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posted: 07/18/12 at 12:42 AM
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Hello everyone, haven't been on here for a while, but thank you for responding. Lately, I've just been caught up with wrapping up my final year of college and preparing for graduation and the job search. Sorry for not responding for a while, but I really appreciate the comments and advice. Here's a quick summary of what's been going on since my last post.
Well, seven months have passed since she has left the US and I still maintain contact with her pretty often. Although we've been pretty busy in the past few months, we still manage to find a little time almost every day to chat with each other, even if it's for half an hour. However, when we're not busy, we could chat for several hours talking about random stuff. It goes two ways, sometimes I would initiate the conversation and sometimes she would initiate the conversation. She's still so cheerful when she talks to me on video chat, for example, she giggles and smiles whenever I would say something funny. We would always cheer each other up if one of us is feeling upset about something. Sometimes when she is stressed out about grad school entry exams, she talks to me and I cheer her up. Sometimes she tells me personal things, I won't say them here, but I feel like some of these are things that wouldn't normally be told to someone who is just a friend.
Anyways, I hope to tell her how I feel again and try to ask her out again, but I don't think it'll be anytime soon. She will be busy with school and preparing for grad school applications in the next few months and I feel it will be less likely that she will agree to my proposal if I ask her when she's stressed. Although she might not seem committed now, but I've seen her make a lot of last-minute decisions before, maybe she'll make a last-minute decision to be with me in the future. She still has some of her things in my house and some people have told me it could be a way for her to get back to me in the future.
Well, I will take the advice and I think in the next few months, I will try to reduce the frequency of our conversations. If she's available, I'll probably chat with her once in a while. If not, I'll probably drop a few lines through email from time to time. As for now, I will just focus on my career goals and enjoy life as much as I can.
@Poetman: In our culture, family and parents are very important. My father has even said himself that when I find someone, that they must be able to get along with him and my mother. She has met my parents and they seem to like her, they are only concerned about the long distance. Also, she has told me that her parents intend to go where ever she goes so they could be close to her. I don't mind because I know how important her parents are to her. I would be sad if I don't see my parents for a while.
@rosemary196: Thank you for the nice comment. It really gives me some hope that things will work out in the future. Best of luck with your relationship.
@jenniferj: Sometimes she would tell me to sleep even though she's enjoying the conversation. Sometimes I will notice the time first and ask her if she needs to sleep, sometimes she will say she's fine and continue talking to me. I will try to find out sometime if she's willing to commit. For now, I will just continue to be a good friend to her and I will bring up the whole relationship stuff after she's finished with all her grad school apps. Or should I bring it up sooner? What do you think?
@ferakin: I will try not to think about the relationship that much and go on with my life. I don't know what the future holds, but I will try my best to shape the present and hope that it leads to a great future. Whether she will end up with me in the future, I do not know, I can only hope for the best. Only time will tell.
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posted: 07/19/12 at 10:48 PM
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This is what I think.I think the love is either there or not. I think the friendship is there or not. I feel either way, she is leaving a door open to have someone she knows be there for her on her return & the friendship as a base for when she enters the rigors of grad school. I am not saying that is a bad thing- but point is- you like her one way- how does she like you? Is there a future in it- It doesn't really matter if you don't want her in your future... but if you do- then ask-
I know a few people who married during medical school and married during college and also grad schoool. If love is there, then there are ways and it will bloom.
However, you are young and have time and it seems endless but for me, as I grow older, I really don't have days to waste or hours on end to waste and so I answer you from MY 50 +years perspective lol
You are enjoying her conversation, so when I say 'waste'-I mean not in the literal sense but a waste in the overall sense of time and life-
I think, if it were establsihed that she had feelings for you and those feelings were such that she saw you with her as you went through grad school and beyond, then it is all fine.But if she sees you as this nice chap on the internet who makes her feel happier and less stressed and who will be there on her return to the States to help with her entree into grad school, but doesn't see beyond that, nor have deeper feelings for you- then I'd really cut back on the talking. It may be in the absence that she will miss you and realize what you mean to her (and I am not talking about games but for your own preservation-)
I would not be giving all this attention and time to her, as she will put you in the good friend folder (a place you don't want to be in)
Culturally, is it taboo to ask her directly or in an email how she feels in so far as she knows- as this is 2012 and ya don't want to be hanging about waiting for a bus that never appears (excuse the analogy)
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