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Ex torn between Babies father and me! posted: 11/20/09 at 2:09 PM
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In short, I went out with a woman for a year and things were brilliant however she had a child from a previous relationship and the father wanted to get back with her. She started feeling guilty about this and felt bad that the child would not have the father around. After a lot of heartache we argued a lot and broke up, she went back to him and a week later regretted it but couldn't tell him to leave. We haven't spoke for the last year until she called me last week. I told her how I've felt about her, I feel she is my soul mate and never had that bond with another person in my life, also that I've never been happier before I had her. She has strong feelings for me also and I believe really wants to be with me. She says things are not great with the babies father but she gets by. She is confused though as to what to do, be with the love of her life or stay for the baby and is constantly up and down.
We've agreed not to speak unless her circumstances change and we can have a proper go at things. I really don't want to loose her. Anyone been in a similar situation and do you think she will call or forget me in time? please help i'm racking my brain trying to think what's going to happen! thank you!
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posted: 11/20/09 at 2:49 PM
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Are you certain she made the choice for the child or herself? Is the residence hers? or the babies Daddy?
If the later, she may have made the choice to move in with him due to financial obligations.
If you've made the agreement for no contact then it's best you respect her side of this.
Personally, a simple note of greeting and good wishes for the holiday, shouldn't be too wrong.
Although it's likely I will be corrected by others here who disagree with what I suggest, a simple e-card I don't think is out of line.
Just letting her know you're still here. But only if your waiting has been some time. AND not to send this if your parting has been recent.
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~Some dreams are worth the risk in order to make them real~
Met online Fall 1999
Met in Real Life July 17 2002
Official Proposal May 9 2004
Married May 17 2005
We made it Robert. I love you, Carla
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posted: 11/20/09 at 3:11 PM
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well she earns more then the guy and they both own the house however she would have to give him £10k to leave. If she was happy with the guy do you think she would be getting in contact with me? She just shes him playing with the child and feels bad to take her away from him but i don't think she wants to be with him in a relationship capacity.
by the way ~Some dreams are worth the risk in order to make them real~ i like this saying!
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posted: 11/21/09 at 5:18 AM
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It can be a pretty emotional thing to feel like you are taking a child away from it's father (or mother). It took me awhile to get up the nerve in two of my past relationships. I felt guilty (sometimes they made me feel guilty, sometimes I felt it on my own, and sometimes one guy's family made me feel guilty and horrid). This was also due to the fact that to leave, I had to move 4000 miles across an ocean, or 4 hours drive away for the other instance. I was a lot younger and still felt that a family unit should stay together for the sake of the kids. Eventually I realized that it is not always the right thing to do, especially if the parents' relationship is violent, angry, and just not good for anyone. Especially the kids.
But it was really hard. I cried a LOT. It took me 5 months to get up the courage to leave my ex husband and take his son to the other side of the world (where I was originally from), and it took about a year to call it quits with the second dad. I felt guilty deep within myself, like I was solely responsible for ruining my innocent childrens' lives or something.
I felt bad that the child would have to be tossed back and forth between parents for years, would have to choose between family events when they were older, etc etc. It's not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are feeling such deep rooted guilt.
Maybe she will eventually see that the child should be brought up in a happy home and that's more important than seeing both parents under the same roof when it's a bad relationship. But that does not mean she would come running back to you, just so you are forewarned. It would probably be a good idea for her to do things on her own and stand on her own two feet for awhile.
I waited 2 years after leaving my husband before I would go near another guy. And I waited a year after leaving the other guy before trying to date. Mind you, I did not have another guy waiting in the wings so I can't predict what I would have done. But I still don't think it would be a fabulous idea for her to run straight to your arms. I think she needs to concentrate on herself and her child if she does manage to leave the dad. She needs to find her place, discover what she wants from life, and then open herself to others. Does that make sense? Don't lose hope but don't expect anything concrete either.
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Some people really have NO idea what they are getting themselves into, and they better not complain about it later, because they ignored all of the warnings and I say 'too bad, so sad'.
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