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Unsure why we broke up exactly... [FYI: this is looong!] posted: 11/19/09 at 2:23 AM
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Hello everyone,
My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago this week. We had been together for almost 4 months and it was a long distance relationship. We met at a summer camp where we lived for 3 months and dated for half the time there.
Our relationship started off great. He was really shy in telling me how he felt and my friends helped us out. He said to me that I was like one of those girls that he would watch in class and have crushes on but never do anything about it. He said if it weren't for our friends probably nothing would have happened.
He would always say how worried he was about the distance thing. He always seemed to think it just wouldn't work out. But I would try and let him see that because my family has flying privileges b/c my dad works for Delta there wasn't much of a problem there.
He was very attentive with me almost clingy and protective of me. Sometimes I felt like he didn't think he had a hold on me and sometimes he would even say he felt like he was so lucky to be with me. There were times when we were out together at camp that it would be raining and he would immediately think it was a sign that we weren't meant to be together. Very odd I always thought but I just figured he was scared of being hurt to which I tried and showed him that there wasn't anything to be worried about b/c I was crazy about him too.
Our long distance relationship was okay. It was hard to manage most of the time b/c I have school and work to worry about all of the time but I would still write him on facebook every day. We would call each other once a week mostly. He came to visit me once and I visited him once.
Sometimes I felt as though I put more effort into our relationship than he did. Reason why I say this is b/c he didn't have a job but was looking for one and not in school whereas I was doing both. I would write him more than he would and his excuse was always that he's just not a writer which I guess I can understand but he wouldn't call me much either.
I also felt like just in general he would scare easily. There were times when I felt like we needed to talk about some important issues but all of this was done while we were away from eachother. I would bring them up and he would say he would never know what to respond to them because they either made him uncomfortable or he had never dealt with it before but he was glad I told him anyways b/c he liked knowing stuff about me. The issues were that I had been sexually abused as a child which I thought was important for him to know considering we were having sex and even though I had been through therapy to help me with it I still had some trust issues which I told him was my main problem. He said at the time he was glad I told him this so he could be more sensitive to my history. Another thing was that I was worried I was pregnant for a few weeks but turns out I wasn't. I didn't tell him though until I was sure I wasn't but he freaked out anyways. Then I wanted to talk about our sex lives b/c I wasn't getting satisfied which could be solved by a few adjustments. He said he didn't know how to respond to that. Oddly enough though while at camp he said I could tell him anything and that I had him now to confide in with whatever. I thought I could tell him anything which is something that I think is very important in any relationship. I feel like if you can't talk about sex than why are you doing it?
So that was the bad parts according to me. The good parts I already stated. But also, we made each other laugh quite easily. We both had a similar sense of humor. We both liked to learn about different cultures and read and learn about anything really. We both loved animals which is what the camp was about. He used to always tell me I was interesting to him and he liked learning new things about me. He liked a lot of kids stuff which I thought was hilarious and cute. We were very passionate when it came to being intimate with each other. And not until I told him I wasn't completely satisfied did things change for us sexually. Other than what I mentioned above we were very comfortable with each other. Sometimes we could just be somewhere in complete silence just cuddling and being together. He used to always tell me that he loved how relaxed he felt with me and that he felt like I was good for him in that way also b/c I could calm him down. We told eachother we loved each other once.
Now back to the break up. In early October I went to go see him for his birthday. At this point, our last time seeing each other was six weeks ago when he had come to visit me. I could tell immediately when he came to pick me up at the airport that something was off with him but I didn't know what of course. We talked like usual and one of the first things he brought up in the car on the way to his house was "so you thought you were pregnant?" And I was like yeah but I know I'm not now. We went to his house and just lounged around b/c we were both tired. We watched movies and just cuddled.
That day I had arrived it was his birthday so we went out and did some things that he wanted to do and then we came back at night. I gave him his present which he loved and said he couldn't believe that I had gotten what I had gotten him. It was pretty funny b/c he was just so surprised like I had read his mind or something. At night we were kissing and were going to have sex but he couldn't get hard and he said that he was getting confused b/c he didn't know what was going to happen a few months ahead. He worried that his job stability was going to mess us up. I told him not to worry just think positive and everything would be okay and that most importantly we just needed to enjoy the time that we did get together. He seemed okay with this and we just went to sleep.
The next day things seemed to get more awkward between us and at night the same thing happened as the night before. He said sex felt wrong which immediately brought me to tears. He said he still was mixed up in the head and worrying. He kept telling me he didn't want to hurt me b/c he worried he wouldn't be able to be there for me a few months down the road b/c he didn't know where he was going and how would it work considering we already lived 1000 miles away from each other. He said it just seemed like he was going nowhere b/c it had now been months since his last real job at camp and nothing was improving [he had worked a part time job but he quit after month]. He had been looking for jobs near me since we were at camp and when he came to visit me but found nothing substantial in his field of study.
I started to think that he didn't want me anymore and told him this and he kept saying that I didn't need to worry b/c his feelings were still the same. After more crying and silence I asked him to let me sleep alone and we didn't go to sleep until 5am or so and I thought about things. I was going to break up with him possibly and leave early or just say again the thing of the flight privileges and we could work something out.
In the morning he came in and laid down with me. He reached out to me and almost pulled me to him but stopped himself. We laid there in silence until I started crying again. I told him I felt as though I was going to lose him after the weekend and he said I didn't need to worry about that. And then I just told him everything I had been thinking over in my head. We talked about the sex thing and I tried to explain myself better. We talked about working on the distance thing and seeing if we could improve it. I told him what had been bothering me in the relationship. We seemed to come to an agreement and he said that all of this stuff we could work on and wasn't a reason to stop seeing eachother.
[Rest of the message is below...sorry it's so long and thanks for anyone who read through the whole thing! And especially thanks to those who give advice!]
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Rest of Post!  posted: 11/19/09 at 2:26 AM
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The rest of the weekend seemed better though we didn't try having sex again. We seemed a bit closer though I could still tell there was something different of course. When I went back home I felt like we were pretty good. We continued messaging each other on facebook though his messages were a lot shorter than usual. I had been wondering about the sex stuff and I wondered about one thing that I hadn't asked him. I asked him if my past abuse stuff had made him weary of having sex with me also b/c I knew it could happen even if I had no problems with sex now as an adult. He started acting weird with me and said he didn't know how to deal with that and he said he needed to talk to me over the phone. He said he would call one night and never did messaging me saying that he was at a movie and that he would call me later. He never did call me. I started to get worried so I started asking if we could start calling each other one certain day a week and he said no I just really need to talk sooner so I knew he may want to break up with me so I asked him when that would be and he never said. So one day I just texted him and asked him if we could talk that night after I got off work to which he responded sure. I was expecting him to call me but he didn't. He knew when I got off work so I waited a little while until I called him b/c I just wanted to know what the deal was. He answered sounding scared and we made small talk until he got serious and said that my feelings over the weekend had been right and I was like huh? And he said he didn't want the relationship to continue but that he wanted to continue talking on facebook like usual. So I asked him if it had been the distance thing and he said yes that and a few other things which he never explained. Then he started listing all these reasons why he wanted to be with me and saying he still had feelings for me but that he didn't think it was enough to make our relationship work. I was crying of course and then I asked him why he hadn't just said this while I was up there visiting him and he said b/c he didn't want to hurt me b/c he still really cares about me and he didn't want to make it awkward between us. Then I brought up the fact that I was going to go see him after halloween which he knew about and I had already bought the ticket and he was like oh I'm sorry and said I should probably go now. He paused and then said bye with a crack in his voice.
The next day he messaged me on facebook apologizing for hurting me and saying it wasn't easy for him to do that. Then he said he thought that him worrying about what would happen to us in the future was making his feelings toward me fade. Then he said he wanted to continue talking to me b/c he liked talking to me and knowing how I was doing. It took me all day to think of what to respond which I finally said that we shouldn't keep talking b/c it would be confusing. I told him we shouldn't talk for a while at least. He never responded back.
So after Halloween I posted up my pictures and then found a picture that I had forgotten to post before from when I had visited him. I didn't think it would be a big deal so I posted it on facebook. He wrote a comment on it happy that I had put it up and I just responded saying it wasn't a big deal I had just forgotten to do it before. I had also used a disposable camera while visiting but had only taken half the pictures in it so I used the rest for halloween and posted them all. Again I didn't think it would be a big deal b/c they were just pictures of scenery nothing major. But I had forgotten about one of them b/c it had made us both laugh. So he wrote a comment on it quoting something funny I had said about it before and then he put a little sad face after it. I was just like okay can you be anymore confusing...didn't say that of course.
I started to feel okay about the situation and realize that it was probably for the best anyways that we not be together. I had too much stuff going on anyways and I hadn't been dating anyone for a while b/c of that. I started to think I could talk to him as just a friend I didn't right then of course. But then this lady from camp e-mailed me who would always follow us around on our days off and not leave us alone when we wanted to be. I thought it was funny and I thought he would think it as well so I tested myself in what I thought I could do as talk to him as just friends. I messaged him about it in a short little message. He responded asking me about the e-mail and then asking how my halloween had gone. I responded and then asked about his halloween. Then I realized that I couldn't talk to him as just a friend afterall but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to just leave the conversation there and him think I was being rude or something. So I responded asking how his job search was going and he never responded back.
We haven't talked since then which it was last Monday. I felt really bad this past weekend just missing him more than I had at the beginning of the break up. I wrote down lists of why we broke up and what I didn't like about him as well as the good stuff. There were way more good things than bad and I feel as though the bad just mainly has to do with the distance thing b/c those bad things I know weren't there while we were at camp in close quarters at all times.
My friends and family all say he sounds confused. While I was up there he brought up marriage stuff a lot and even told me stuff he expected in his bride and asked me about certain things. He also said he wished he could have a kid to dress up for halloween and then he caught himself and then stared at me for a while b/c he remembered the pregnancy scare.
I feel like in a way it's good that we're apart but at the same time I really miss him. Our relationship was good except for the distance. Some of my friends think I should ask him to clarify what that other stuff was that made him break up with me so that it can help me move on. What do you guys think?
Again sorry it's so long I just have a lot on my mind about it and really needed to write the whole thing out! Thanks!
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posted: 11/19/09 at 6:51 AM
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| It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and you need someone who wants to be with you and knows it. I hope he will grow up maybe and figure out what he wants and it will be whatever you want too. Do you want to get back with him if he does that or are you ready to be done with it? I am undecided on finding out what all the reasons are for a breakup, I mean, maybe it will do some good as maybe it is something that you could learn from and do differently and maybe relate better with a future partner but everyone is so different so maybe the next person it would be totally different anyway. Still, you could notice treads. I guess it just depends on what you want, not what your friends thing. If you want to know, ask, but know he might not be willing to tell you or he may lie or leave things out too if he is too scared (or whatever) to mention them. I wish you luck. Stay busy with your school and things you are doing for you and don't worry, true love will come along when the time is right. don't give up on finding it.
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posted: 11/19/09 at 8:55 AM
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| Thanks for reading through that and responding. Yeah I don't think he knows what he wants either which isn't a good thing for me or anyone else he possibly chooses to be in a relationship with. As for right now I don't think it would be wise to be with him again although if he does grow up and realize what he wants and if it's with me and were both on the same page then yes I would give it another try but only if those it's are in workng order. Also I decided that if by the end of this week I'm still wondering I will ask hm bc it may help me move on.
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posted: 11/19/09 at 9:29 PM
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I never think that trying anything isn't worthwhile. You tried. It didn't work.
He sounds immature frankly . . . not in a bad judgmental way but in that he just hasn't grown up yet. He's not working & not in school. yeah, he ought to be worried about his future, especially after a preganancy scare. He got a part time job but then he quit. Who quits anything in this economy if you aren't being abused?
You were the one who was sexually abused as a child but after he's already had sex with you, now he decides sex is wrong?
Seriously, I could go on but why bother? the relatioship is now over. Leave it be. this really was too much work for such a short time with such a low return on investment. Good relationships are not fixer upper projects.
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posted: 11/19/09 at 11:29 PM
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| Thank you for that response it really put things in perspective for me better. It's odd when I first met him I thought he was immature and complaint and my immediate thought was who would date him? Haha I did! I told him actually what I thought of him the first time I met him that I thought he was annoying and it really bothered him for a little while of course. He just kept saying I was just trying to be nice but I don't think he got why I had that first impression of him. If only we would really listen to our gut!
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