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This guy I'm talking to online is hiding his girlfriend! posted: 11/19/09 at 12:26 AM
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I'm in my 20's and from the US and I've become friendly online with this guy from the UK, also in his 20's.
We've been emailing back and forth since the spring and send pictures in those emails of all kinds of things back and forth all of the time. Just of anything, like oh look what I just got for my place, and this and that... and of course pics of ourselves.
He says he lives alone and has never mentioned a girlfriend to ANYTHING I've asked him.
I noticed in some pictures of his place that he sends there are some things that look like they belong to a girl, sort of hiding...
Then I got the idea to see if he is on facebook (why not, right?) and lo and behold this guy has a girlfriend he lives with!!
I feel terrible! I don't really know what to do. It makes me angry that he would lie. I think he's a cool guy, he lives in another country and I wasn't wanting any kind of relationship from him... just was having fun conversations really. I don't know any good reason to hide a girlfriend-- there is no good reason to do that.
But if I knew he had a girlfriend I would certainly not feel comfortable emailing SO much and sending/receiving pictures!
He went away on a vacation and said he went with friends but this facebook has nothing but pictures of both of them stating their vacation! Why was this guy emailing me and sending me pics from his vacation with his girlfriend?! How dare he do that!
I've been talking with him for many months up until I found these things, and boy am I glad I decided to see if I could find him!
He has told me how stunning I am and how I am like the perfect woman. Always so interested in me and what I'm up to... A lot of attention from a guy in a relationship as it turns out!
I'd like to either get him to admit it or stop talking to him, but most of all I feel like a fool/tool and like I was used for something-- he got something more from talking to me by appearing single rather than taken, that's how I feel anyway... but maybe I'm wrong to feel that way, I hope.
Last edited by lodgelodge on 11/19/09 at 2:41 PM
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posted: 11/19/09 at 3:12 PM
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I think men are different from women. A lot of men, just do not bother telling female "friends" from the internet that they are in a relationship because it boosts their ego to have these girls "hanging" in the background. Especially when its a girl miles away that they are never likely to really meet.
It seems to me hun... that maybe inside... you DID like him a little more than a friend... or else who would it bother you so much??? I know he gave you all that guff about you being stunning , perfect woman etc... but you did state that you never wanted a relationship from him...
And I am not saying that he didn't give a damn about you... its just... he is one of those guys who like girls in the background. In reality he probably really likes his girlfriend... but he is weak and ego driven.
I hate how some people just can't be honest... one time, I had a boyfriend who added an online "friend" to his facebook... and she was just a friend supposedly.... and then she freaked when she saw he was in a real life relationship!!! So obviously he was one of those pathetic weak guys too...
And do you know what his excuse to me was??? He said "Why should I tell these girls I have a real life girlfriend???, its none of peoples business, its not like they will ever really meet me"...
So you see... they are selfish and have low self esteem so need the boost. Its a character flaw. Well... on behalf of his online friends... he lost me good and truly!!!
We can do better than those men hun!!! Forget him.
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I love my Greek Aussie xx
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posted: 11/19/09 at 6:18 PM
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Is it possible his live-in girlfriend is a recent thing? That when he said he lived alone, that he did at the time?
Is it possible he likes to keep his private life private? Or do you share private things, with this one exception?
If he's not interested in you, and if you've made it clear the same, and if you just have purely platonic chitchat (yes, a compliment can be totally innocent), then I don't see the big deal.
However...if you two have been having a lot of intimate talks, and there is more here than just friendship, then maybe you need to confront him with what you know.
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posted: 11/20/09 at 8:01 AM
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I am tempted to tell you to take this as a life lesson on how easily people can lie on the internet and move on.
If he confesses that he's been hiding his gf, are you going to feel better? Will you still be able to be friends? From the way you've talked about this.. no, you wouldn't be.
And if it turns out to be a complete misunderstanding and they are actually just friends or something, would he forgive you for jumping to such conclusions, and would you ever be able to go back to how it was before?
Point is, is there any reason why you shouldn't cut your losses now and move on to another pen pal?
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"My love for you is as bright and everlasting as a shining star."
My sweetie in a message in our scrapbook
"I miss u so much sweetie pie. You are simply the most amazing girlfriend ever. You are absolutely adorable and an absolute angel. <333"
- 14/09/08 in an ecard
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posted: 11/20/09 at 10:51 PM
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I definitely like him a lot but wasn't planning on anything due to the idea of different countries... and our conversations never lead to anything suggesting that we wanted to be together but it still hurts that he has lied...
Ever since I found out I ask him things that give him the perfect opportunity to mention his girlfriend but he doesn't...
I really enjoy our conversations and feel like him hiding this ruins it. It would be perfectly fine if he said from the start he has a girlfriend and the only thing it would change is I probably wouldn't email him as promptly and absolutely not be flirtatious, which I'm really not good at that anyway and am not right now either.
Just really lousy because I'm upset he's lying (and yes, he's a guy on the internet... and I haven't met him and what does he owe me anyway, right?) and it makes me not want to talk to him but I also just enjoy the pen pal aspect and almost don't want to stop. But I certainly have stopped emailing him as much, slowed down I'd say 75%.
I suppose its really up to me to decide if I want to continue emailing him... but then I think of his hidden girlfriend and it makes me feel like a fool, like does he sit there and think "wow this girl has no clue I got this girlfriend that I live with and do all these things with!" something like that... but then it goes back to well what did I want out of this anyway??
Hurts to be lied to...
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posted: 11/21/09 at 2:26 AM
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I don't understand why anyone would take an internet friendship so seriously as to be hurt by omissions of the truth. He didn't make any promises to you. He didn't "lie" directly to you, or try to purposely mislead you. And you haven't even ASKED him about it yet- instead you are making all these assumptions based on nothing more than emotions. He hurt your ego. You thought you were his "special" internet friend, and now you find out he has other women in his life.
Did it occur to you that he probably chats with lots of girls? Just like you probably chat with lots of guys. I don't know this of course, but people who like chatting online to strangers generally have lots of chat buddies. i doubt that anyone tells everything to all of their chat buddies. And yes....a lot of people online hide things so that they can have a little secret world unto themselves, separate from their home life.
But that doesn't mean he deliberately mislead you. He probably didn't mention it because it's just not important to him to have anyone know. Guys don't define themselves by their relationships the way women do. They don't talk about their gf's to their friends the way women talk to their friends about their boyfriends.
Just TALK to him about before freaking out like this.
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Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused by you...
who am I to disagree? Sweet dreams are made of these.....
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