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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Male > What does I need to find myself really mean?
What does I need to find myself really mean? Question posted: 06/04/04 at 1:45 AM
sunset_tess  [more]
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I was hoping that someone may be able to help me out here and give me some advice on what it really means when a guy says "I need to find myself"

We have been together for 8 years and now out of the blue he tells me that he needs to find himself.
Two weeks prior to us breaking up, we were making plans to get our wedding rings made.
We have had a wonderful relationship, yes some ups and downs just like any couple, but no serious fights or cheating or things of that nature. I am still in love with him after all these years, i get butterflies in my stomach when i see him and the passion and chemistry is still so unbelievable between us. ( He also thinks this )
He told me that he didn't want me to see anyone else, and that he wants me to wait to see what happens with him. He said if i needed to go out and start seeing someone that he would be sad, but wouldn't stop me because he only wants me to be happy.
I DON"T GET IT...lol.
I am 30 and he is 29. I have a son from a previous relationship, but Mike has been my son's father figure for the past 8 years. My son was 2 when we met, and Mike has loved him as his own since the begining.
This has been going on for 3 months now, and I have seen him a few times since we broke up. I just felt the need to see him, to have him hold me in his arms. But the problem is when we do see each other, the attraction is just crazy, and we end up flirting with each other and then end up making love....( not that I am complaining) but i just wonder, is he waiting to see if something is going to happen with someone else, or does he really need to find himself. I have asked him if there is someone else and he tells me NO.
I don't know where he lost himself, but i guess he did somewhere along the way.
Any idea as to what this really means?" I need to find myself".

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posted: 06/04/04 at 2:17 AM

Pusser  [more]
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Thats nebulous speak for "I don't know if I want to be with you anymore, and I'd rather be by myself right now than spend time with you."

At 29 years of age and after being with you 8 years, he should know his feelings for you. In fact, he does.

I'm sorry to say that he's decided that he's not interested in marrying you...that your more casual relationship was all he was interested in.

Pusser

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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY

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posted: 06/04/04 at 4:54 AM
sunset_tess  [more]
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As far as our relationship being casual...it was not at all. We lived together for 8 years and loved each other more than anything.
I understand that he needs time to figure things out, but it was just a shock becuase 2 weeks prior to us breaking up, we were talking about getting our rings made. And just for the record he asked me to marry him. It was not me pressuring him into getting married. I personally don't care if it happened or not, not because I don't love him, it's just that Marriage to me is just a pieace of paper. Couples can be married to each other in thier hearts without having it being on paper. Don't you know it cost's more to get a divorce then it does to get married...lol.
Thanks for being so frank.

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posted: 06/04/04 at 5:27 AM
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I am a female but it could be that he is approaching 30. Something about the decade marks makes some people reflect on their lives, where they are at and where they thought they would be.

I am 37 and I had the for feeling the need to do some "soul" searching or whatever when I was near 30. I thought that I would be married, have a house and a family etc. Not that I have problem getting older, but just one of those things that people have some thoughts were they think they will be. It just makes you evaluate your life, where your at and where you'd like to be - at least for me. I am starting to feel the same way as I approach 40.

It isn't that I am unhappy or completely dissatisified with my life either. I don't know if this makes sense - but it could be that he has a lot of thoughts going on in his mind and needs to take some time to step back and figure it all out for himself.

So could be he does just need time for some self reflection. Discussing marriage (even if he is the one who proposed) could be a factor as well. Know that rings are being discussed and more concrete things - maybe he is "freaking" out a little - for lack of a better term. If his view is that marriage is a one time thing - maybe he is questioning if this is a 'forever' thing. Just some thoughts. Only he really knows - or as the case maybe doesn't know.

I would take the time to focus on yourself and do things for you. Give him his space. Don't let him just be with you when it is convenient for him or when he wants it though. I don't think that is fair to you. It may be best to not see him at all until he figures things out - even though I now that is something that will be difficult for you.

Only he can decide what is right for him and figure his $hit out. You need to do what is best for you and take care of yourself and your son.

Good Luck! I hope everything works out.

Last edited by on 06/05/04 at 3:06 AM

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posted: 06/05/04 at 12:24 AM
sunset_tess  [more]
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Hi BerniLou,

Thank you for such a open and honest reply.
Your reply has given me much to think about. It sure is hard at times to just let him go...but I know that if he really does care about me and our relationship and if it was meant to be then everything will work out in the end.
Yesterday was his birthday, so I went to the bakery and bought him a chocolate cake, and then I bought a single long stem red rose along with some baby's breath. I went to his place and put a candle in the cake, lit the candle and scattered about 2 handfuls of red rose peddles along the walkway to his front door. Then I left, called him on the phone and left a message on his answering service because he was on the other line...lol.
I was scared that the box would catch on fire because of the candle...lol..but it was all good, he got the message.
It was fun to do that for him...lol.

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posted: 06/05/04 at 3:09 AM
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NEVER leave a lit candle unattended - although the idea is sweet. Try not to chase him or do things for him either. That could make him feel pressure too.

I suggest reading the book "Why Men Love *****es". And it is NOT about being a *****, but about being your own person with your own life and not being a doormat. At least check it out.

Take Care!

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posted: 06/06/04 at 12:56 PM
PixieGrl  [more]
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Hey, i know this is male's perspective but i had to respond because i know exactly what you're going through. ok, we're different ages, i'm 21, he's 19, and we were together about a year, but still, same break up reason. i know you feel totally confused. i did, because like you we never had any fights, problems or anything, everyone was so shocked bc it seemed so perfect. well, i think the thing is that guys tend to need space. my guy was in a long relationship before and went straight into another with me, with no time to "find himself" or be by himself. i think although your guy was the one to propose, the idea of the marriage coming soon (even having lived together for so long), the idea of making it official was subconsciously scary. you'd no longer be lovers living together, you;d be an official married couple. for some reasons he may not want that anymore. or maybe he does, and needs time to figure that out.

the thing is how long will it take him to find out?? thats the question i ask myself. well if you don't want to be in a relationship right now, when will you warm up to the idea? i swear, i was gonna post asking the guys when they think theyre ready for a real relationship? when they've sowed their wild oats enough, had sufficent noncomittal hangout time with their buds? i think "i need to find myself" while it sometimes mean they are encountering a crisis and really don't know what they stand for anymore, but i htink most of the time it means they're not sure what they want relationship wise.

well, to you tess, i would say obviously i, he or you don't know if he'll ever be ready to get back with you. it is definitely hard when you both admit to still loving eachother. as hard as it is the most important thing I have found is that if you keep up constant contact and occasionally have sex, HOW IS HE GOING TO FEEL HOW IT IS TO MISS YOU? for him right now, he's getting all the benefits of still getting some kind of relationship with the one he loves without the other expectations. my boyfriend and i gave into weakness one time after he broke it off. i loved it at the moment but a few days later i told him it can never happen again. HE CAN'T HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. he wanted the separation so now he has to deal with it for all that means. i would say you should think of that too. if he misses what he has enough, and he sees how different his life is without you and your son, he may decide he wants it all back. i know its hard, but try your best to just treat him as you would a friend. talk on the phone once in a while to see how he's doing. see eachother, but much less than you talk, and definitely no hanky panky

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posted: 06/08/04 at 12:26 AM

Pusser  [more]
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I stand by my original assessment. After 8 years he doesn't know if he wants to be with you?? That speaks for itself.

Pusser

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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY

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posted: 06/08/04 at 2:04 AM

Luftballoons  [more]
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I'm female, but I tend to agree with Pusser. I don't think it takes eight years of living together to figure out if you want to be with them or not, and he DOES know how he feels about you. He just hasn't decided what he's going to do about it yet.

I think he asked you to marry him because he figured that's what he should do, and when he realized it would now be legally official instead of just a roommates-with-sex kind of legal commitment, he freaked out a bit. If he married you, he couldn't just up and walk away; he would be committed. So he decided to just walk away before the marriage made it official.

This has just been my experience, but "I need to find myself" to me means either "I need to find out if I want to be with you" or "I need to find out if I can do better than you"........especially if it's said after eight years of serious dating.

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posted: 06/08/04 at 4:17 AM

Pusser  [more]
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Luft is wise beyond her years. Her last paragraph says it all.

Maybe it's just me, but I've had serious, long-term relationships with several women, and in every case, I knew within 6 months if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Pusser

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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY

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