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Lovingyou.com > Relationship Support > Multicultural Romance > Indian girl white boyfriend
Indian girl white boyfriend Unhappy posted: 03/08/04 at 8:24 PM

star55  [more]
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My situation is as follows....

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 6 months, not too long, but it really is serious as ive known him for a lot longer...

Ive been introduced to his whole family, but unfortunatly I cannot do the same for him. I come from a hindu family, who are very traditional and would like me to marry an indian guy. Indian tradtion is such that everyone knows everything about everyone, and it would almost be scandelous if i was found out

The thing is, is that I have had a very 'white' upbringing, unlike a lot of other indian girls, i have taken a GAP year, and have been allowed to live away from home during uni, and go out drink etc....

But now im expected to have a indian boyfriend, and my life is such that I havnt really come across any...and now that I have fallen in love with this guy all I want is for my parents to be happy for me that ive found someone so great.

Another thing is, is that at the moment my boyfriend as about 6 hours away from me, so its hard as it is, but during the summer, we will be apart for about 4 months. Relationships are hard as is is, but with the long distance plus parent thing, ITS SOO HARD, and its so much weight on my shoulders!!

I really dont know what I should do...anyone got any kind words or advice? Or anyone in a similar situation?

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posted: 03/08/04 at 10:58 PM
lostnscared  [more]
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Hi Star55,

I am an Indian guy who has a white girlfriend. Like you I have had a more "white" upbringing since I was born here and stuff. I however live at home while I go to university. My girlfriend lives in the same town as the university so I see her quite often when I am at school, its only 20 minutes away. Anyways we have been going out 1 year now...well it will be 1 year in 2 weeks. Wow I can't believe it already....anyways when I first told my parents about the situtation they freaked on me.

They hated it, and guess what, 1 year later, they still do, but the thing is we haven't talked about it in months. I think that if they don't talk about it, then the problem will just go away. The biggest issue is pride, Indian families are very proud, and spoiling the harmony affect the pride.

I haven't introduced her to my family yet, but we are going to try and do so soon, because its getting ridiculous. By the way I have met her family and they have no issue what so ever! Its also great since I can spend as much as I want at her house, her mom has no problem, in fact she even put our picture from the University prom last year up on the shelf in the family room. Its awesome, and it makes me feel stronger, that if I really want it I can win.

On top of it all, her parents are very understanding of the situation and don't bother me about it, they just let me be around them and at their house. They understand my parent's views but they do feel thats its kind of a shame.

I understand the whole Indian reputation, and how everyone knows everything. But its your life right? I know its hard, because on top of everything else you are an Indian girl, its a lot easier for an Indian guy to do something like this, and even that is hard, as I have found out.

If you really think there is a future between the 2 of you and if you think you can handle being alienated from the family, then continue pushing. The thing is that you BOTH must want a future. My girlfriend and I want a future together, so we are both fighting hard for it, and we have been patient for a year now, but now we are going to start taking more initiative in the approach of her meeting my immediate family, I really don't care about my aunts and uncles because they don't get along with each others anyways! Ah the craziness!

If you two are going to apart for 4 months, it may give you time to adjust to fight hard, or it might make you think twice...how about just trying to tell them first while you are at school or bring it up casually like asking them what they would think if it would happen...I really don't have the best answer, as right now we are still trying to figure out how to get the 4 of us together without too much suspicion and not too much surprise either...oh life I tell yah!

Btw, I am 24, and my g/f will be 24 in the summer too.

Good luck, and feel free to ask me any more questions about my experiences. There are also many others involved with Indians in this forum, including Sweetie-Pai who has helped me immensely!

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posted: 03/09/04 at 8:40 AM

sweetie-pai  [more]
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hi star!welcome to the forums.i don't feel there's much more i can say following lostnscared.i think he's covered everything and better than i could.i completely agree that you both have to want this wholeheartedly for it to work.there can't be any doubts whatsoever from either side.things may take time and you could quite possibly be faced with a lot of opposition.patience is a requirement.i think you should use those 4 mos.this summer that you will be apart to your advantage. distance always seems to have an effect on couples, whether it brings them closer or tears them apart.

just so you have an idea,i have been with my boyfriend almost 3 yrs now.he's been in the u.s.,just 4 hrs from me,attending college for the last 2 and 1/2 yrs.he decided to tell his family about us a yr and 1/2 ago(4 mos. before x-mas)hoping it would give them enough time to calm down and accept our relationship so that we could fly back to india together during x-mas break and get engaged.they begged him to come home then.he declined and told them he would be home after he completed his degree.a wk later he got a call that there was a family emergency and he had to return.he did. he told me he would be away 10-20 days,but it ended up being 3 mos.they pressured him the whole time to either marry or get engaged and when he didn't,they decided to only send him back to complete his degree and pay his tuition on their terms, that he doesn't see me so, needless to say,i haven't seen him in a yr and 1/2. just like lostnscared, my boyfriend's family doesn't talk about the issue anymore and i think it's because they think if they just ignore it,it will go away. as far as they know,i'm not even in his life anymore. just recently more probs arose and he had to fly back,again.it was the same story when he left.he told me he would only be gone 10 days.just a few days after he arrived,he decided to extend his stay and is telling me now that it won't be any longer than 2-3 mos. who knows.i wonder if he'll ever return.the only thing i am sure of is that we do love each other and i have faith in us.no matter what anyone else thinks,i believe we have what it takes to make our relationship work, because we were doing fine on our own before all this. besides that,we share the same dreams and have the same ideals.

all i can say is,really communicate with your guy. make sure he knows what to expect and make sure you both share want the same thing.good luck and take care!feel free to pm me if you need.


lostnscared:you don't know how happy i am to see you replied and to know you're ok and doing well.i haven't heard from you,seen any posts of yours,or even seen you online here and was beginning to worry.wow,i can't believe it's going to be a yr for you already- congratulations and do let me know how the meeting goes.take care!

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It matter where I lay my head tonight,your arms feel like home~3 Doors Down

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posted: 03/09/04 at 8:50 AM
lostnscared  [more]
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Hey Sweetie-Pai, yeah I haven't been replying on the forums much, but I have kept up to date by reading the threads. Oh wow I really can't believe how time flies, I am so happy we are approaching the 1 year mark, its so wonderful. I actually have alot to talk about and I could use some advice, I think I will email you.

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posted: 03/09/04 at 5:34 PM

CuteeH  [more]
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Star 55,

Im an arab girl and we have a similar mentality to indians when it comes to marriage..the whole family gets involved and they want their daughter / son to marry someone they like.

Im in love with a whilte guy since 3 years and things havent been easy, when he proposed to me my dad went crazy and he rejected the idea and made me promise that its over, to them its over now and they donttalk about it to me..but on my side me and my guy are still together.unfortunately my guy had to move back to his country 2 months ago and the LDR made things more difficult..we fought a month ago over some things and he wanted me to leave my country and move to canada to b with him, when i showed hesistation he told me to forget about us and be friends..a week later he couldnt handle that and asked me to give it another try..now we r in an LDR and taking our time to think of what to do about our situation..we love each other so much that we dont want to break up.

my advise is to hold on to ur guy and try to convince ur family,after all we should live our lives for us and its unfair to do stuff just coz the culture wants us to even when it doesnt make sense.

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"Anyone can be normal, but it takes a strong person to be different"

The current mood of cuteeh at www.imood.com

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posted: 03/11/04 at 5:04 AM
lyricalpoet  [more]
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I have a very excellent reference for you- You are indian right? The next time a family member talks about relationships and honor....Do some research on Deepak Chopra.. he is an indian. A very popular man who write alot of books on relationships and personal freedom. If a person is really, truly free, they will look at every situation with an open heart!!! the lyrical poet

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posted: 03/12/04 at 2:06 PM

bed_head  [more]
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heya star

guess what, another indian guy here. I understand the traditional and conservative part, especially since Im in Singapore now. When I was in Australia, i basically had the freedom to do what I wanted without being hassled, so I kinda understand the situation. After that I never looked back, now I date who I want, when I want. I realise that the tradiational indian ways are extremely wrong. I mean, constricting love to the basis of only your race just essentially guarantees that you settle for someone rather than finding true love. Dont get me wrong, i still keep my options open and will date an indian girl in a sec, but she has to be right.

Now I dont even tell my parents whether I date a person outside my race, unless she is something special. I havent come to the bridge yet, but I think if I do, then both of us have to be committed enough to want to fight the hindu traditions. I hate that family comparison crap. stupid gossipping relatives!! heh anyways if you love him, just go for it. I always recommend using the 'soft' approach on parents.

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posted: 03/13/04 at 5:03 AM
lyricalpoet  [more]
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What will! lol----- lyrical poet

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