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Wife says its over after 20 years...won't work on marraife posted: 08/01/12 at 11:29 PM
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First time posting......first time divorce has ever been spoken in our 9 years of marraige and 18 year relationship. Appreciate any advice:
Here are the details:
3 months ago, my wife said she was done with our marraige and does not want to work on anything. Her reasons are:
Resents me for her 5 miscarriages (we have 1 wonderful kid). Blames me because I waited to have kids till she was 28.
Resents me for being a bad mom. She travels a lot, and does not want to be a stay at home mom. Blames me because she said she wanted to support my goal of retiring at 50 (I never counted or asked for her income)
Mad that I don't support her career. I'm a firefigter and have scheduled my shifts around her travel schedule for 5 years so she could keep her job.
Days she's worn out because of me, my health issues, and my obsessive drive. I had back surgery 3 years ago, then some sort of related rheumatic joint pain last year. All in all I've been laid up for about 16 months of the last 3 years. I didn't handle it well, leaned on her a lot. Was worried I wouldn't get back to work. I went to 100 drs to ensure I was getting the right treatment.
I've been back to full duty for 1 year.
Our background:
Financially stable, no infidelity (that I know of...she denies any), no abuse
For last 3 months she has withdrawn from me and our son, sleep in seperate beds, she has increased her travel to 35 of the last 60 days
feels I'm too needy
Over the last year I have been mad that she hasn't been as involved in our sons life as I would like. And have been making her feel guilty about it (immature comments regularly....I have stopped this)
What I've done so far:
Backed off completely, havnt cried, whined, pleaded
Supported her with regular nice cards, texts
Changed my schedule to a more traditional job so she can travel whenever she wants...and I have the kid
Go to weekly individual counseling
I want to keep my family together, she gets irate when I mention counseling....says I'm the only one working. She has initiated a hug about 6 times in last 3 months
Help!
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posted: 08/02/12 at 6:48 PM
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Unfortunately, when one spouse wants out, there is often nothing that can be done. You need somebody in your corner so I highly recommend that you get individual counseling immediately. You should also consult a lawyer so you understand your rights & obligations, especially where your child is concerned.
If you love your wife & truly want her back, tell her that every day. but go to counseling. Maybe when she sees your actions, you will be able to convince her to go to a different therapist for marriage counseling.
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posted: 08/04/12 at 1:42 AM
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I am very sorry you are going through this. I know you don't want to hear it but sometimes people just fall out of love.
I will venture into something here. Her sudden change of heart, her unwillingness to work on the problem, the way she puts 100% of the problem on you (to ease her mind), her doubling her traveling time indicates she has someone else.
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posted: 08/04/12 at 3:33 AM
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| She swears no on the affair....but I've seen a lot of evidence for it. I just don't know why she would hide it from me. Either way, I don't think the potential affair pulled her away, I think she is looking for an out. Today she told me she wants me to move out of the house. I told her I want to keep the family together...and if she wants to move out I'll support that...I just asked that she works on our issues. Am I right to not move out? We have a 5 year old
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posted: 08/04/12 at 9:32 AM
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quote:
She swears no on the affair
...and how many would admit to it if there is no proof to incriminate them? Not saying it's happening, but her swearing that it isn't means nothing.
She has emotionally disconnected herself from you. For a woman, this is the ultimate sign that your marriage is in serious danger and about to end. She's not responding to any of your attempts to reconnect, so she is already checked out.
Is the house in your name as well? If so, you really don't have to be the one who leaves. If you're able to afford to maintain the place on your own and care for the child, then there is no reason that it has to be you who leaves. If she want out of this so bad, have her move out.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
Register your complaint here
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posted: 08/04/12 at 4:00 PM
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Like Th1sh said, if one person wants out then its over. Figure out how to best move forward.
Hire a private detective to check into her actions. Will it cost you some money, yes. It could save you thousands in a divorce if she is having an affair.
Check with a divorce attorney and find out what steps you should take. Do not move out until you have spoken to a lawyer. You don't know what moves she has already put in place.
Be proactive in preparation for the worst.
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american
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posted: 08/09/12 at 6:11 AM
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She keeps saying she will go to counseling on her own.....but has not. She says no to couples
She has been on one of her many business trips. Last night she called me (she has only called me when she needs something for the last 3 months). She asked if I could pick her up from the airport and take her to lunch (she has a complimentary car service). When I picked her up she hugged me, cried, and said how difficult work has been.
Now I sit one room away from her, wanting to try and convince her to want to be affectionate towards me....but knowing from multiple failed attempts that would be the wrong thing.
I guess I still hold on to some hope. I know I don't want this life, but I want the life I had 6 months ago.....and I am willing to compromise whatever issues she needs me to work on.
We have been in seperate beds for 2 months. I hate it, it is a horrible place to be. I know she has checked out......but she also checked out 12 years ago on a different issue.....and after one long year, she came back.
Now we have a kid, and we are married. I feel like its more important to work things out now than 12 years ago. It's very hard for me to give up on something I care about so much. I'm miserable.....but if I give up....I'd be miserable, and my son would be miserable. I just can't imagine being happy without her
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posted: 08/09/12 at 6:19 AM
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I did talk to a lawyer. I also have put some cash in a safety depisite box in case I need to hire him. I also changed my job to a more traditional schedule so I can take care of the kid by myself if necessary.
It's just really hard. I'm truly a good person, I make an above average income and have plenty of savings and no debt, I'm 37 (feels old now), I'm in shaPe. I look around at some people who have real persOnal issues....and are still married with a wife that lives them. I know it's a little Pathetic what I'm saying right now, but I truly do not deserve to have my life ripped apart and my kid traumatized......I did not do anything that bad!
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