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Analysing my failed marriage is giving me fears on my new relationship posted: 07/28/12 at 5:13 PM
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I separated from my husband in Jan 2010 (after being with him for nearly 12 years) with the intention of sorting things out but lack of effort on both sides meant that didn't happen.
When we first split my feelings towards him and our relationship were very negative. I could only see and remember the bad parts of our relationship.
I saw that the issues that inevitably led to our split had always been evident and I just couldn't really remember ever being really happy and content with him.
The longer we are apart, the less angry I am at him and the more I seem to remember the good times we had and the positives in our relationship.
Let's be clear though; I in no way miss him or want him back. Things had gone way past the point of repair long before I left him.
But I do remember a time when I think I really did love him and thought we would be happily together forever.
Although in a way this might mean that I am healing and am able to look back on something that ended badly in a more positive light, it has left me with fears for my current relationship.
A bit of back story...
I did jump very quickly into my new relationship and meeting him was a massive factor or at least a catalyst to me ending things with my husband.
I was in an open relationship with my husband and my current boyfriend started off like others; as a bit of 'no strings fun' but I fell for him pretty hard.
After I had left my husband we took things slowly and kept it casual for months before officially becoming a couple.
We've been together over a year now and things couldn't be better.....well apart from the fact we don't live together, but we've moving into a flat in the next few weeks 
So here are my worries....
Now I am remembering the positives and good times I had with my ex-husband, I worry that the same thing will happen again.
It was obviously good once with my ex-husband and over the years the little problems got bigger, we grew apart and grew to hate and resent each other.
I know the things that were issues with my husband aren't issues with my boyfriend;
We get on so much better, we have shared interests and hobbies, we're much more sexually compatible, we have so much more fun together and it just feels like a much more equal and mutually loving and caring mature relationship.
Don't get me wrong we still mess about like teenagers and in that sense we've got a fun and playful relationship, but we both care and respect each other.
We are not in an open relationship, I have no desire to be with anyone else and would never cheat on him and would be mortified if he cheated on me (and I have no doubts that he won't)
In my marriage I felt like the adult looking after a child most of the time and we were both quite selfish in our thoughts, actions and dreams. When decisions were made, it felt like one of us was giving up their desires for the other one, not coming to a mutually happy compromise.
I think initially I was quite cautious in this new relationship. I was worried that I was subconsciously using him as a crutch to escape my marriage, or it was just a rebound relationship (what all my friends warned me about).
I worried that all the feelings I had were because it was new and exciting and I was expecting the honeymoon period to end....but it hasn't....
But apparently the official honeymoon period lasts about 18months. It's been 22months since we first had sex but only 15 months since we've officially been together...
For both me and my partner, it is only our 2nd adult relationship and I guess everyone is more cautious when they've been hurt before.
Although I know this relationship is completely different from my last and despite no signs that it will, I still worry that it will sour and eventually die like my last.
So, I guess the questions i am asking are;
Does everyone feel like this when they're in a new relationship after a previous marriage has failed?
Should I just stop worrying and comparing the relationships?
How can I stop this relationship from deteriorating like the last one?
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posted: 07/28/12 at 10:37 PM
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My opinion on the matter is that if you consider the end of a relationship to be equivalent to failure, then you've totally missed the point of a relationship. Relationships often go for as long as you need them to. Some relationships exist for a short time to fulfill a temporary need. Others last a lifetime. It's not the length that's significant, but rather the content of it, how much you grew as a couple and also as an individual during that time. There is little you can do to prevent a relationship from falling apart if it's just not right for one of you anymore. But you can enjoy it while it is going good.
In every relationship that has ended...there were periods where it was good and both partners were happy. The unhappiness begins when one wants out, but keeps fighting for it just because we have this idea that we should be living happily ever after with our one true love. You might meet four or five loves in your lifetime, or you might just meet one. Each relationship you have had served a purpose for you, so my advice for you is to go into this enjoying it for what it is and not to fret over it's future. Just have fun and be yourself, if the relationship falls apart, then that's because it outlived its usefulness.
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Pay attention to your partner. If you don't...somebody else will.
There are three sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.
MATH MADE EASY
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posted: 08/01/12 at 5:45 PM
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I have 2 long term relationships behind me. Both times I thought it was for life. Now I know there is no garantee ever if a relationship will last. We are in constant evolution, grow, change, adapt. We may do it together or we may need to part down the road. All I can do is put in my very best and enjoy the ride. If the relationship ends, it ends. I will survive, learn from it, move on to something better.
A relationship ending is not shamefull, is not a failure, it's just the end of something that was good at one point but no more.
You are afraid you'll end up hurt and disappointed again. It's a risk to take, what's the alternative? So yes, if you enjoy life with a mate you need to accept it comes with risks.
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