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Is there a good way to tell someone 'I really just don't care'? posted: 07/27/12 at 2:05 PM
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I'll be blunt: I seriously don't understand why people enter relationships, and then proceed to complain, whine or over-anaylse every single thing about their partners. Perhaps this is too simple, but my attitude is that we are all adults. If someone is basically unhappy with their partner, they can stay or they can leave.
When I was in my relationship where I was being abused, I said very little about it to anyone. These days I have times when I am frustrated by certain elements of my relationship and sometimes need to talk... but ultimately it's my relationship, and the issues involved are for us to deal with.
But recently my aunt has been phoning me early in the morning and late at night. She's an alcoholic and has been involved in a highly violent relationship with a drug addict for over 2 years now. Pretty much every week the police get called because they've had an argument, he even spent time in prison at one point, yet she always goes back to him. And whenever things goes wrong, she wants to whine to me - a few weeks ago she was complaining that she can't handle the fact that he keeps getting arrested for stealing, and I had to seriously bite my tongue. Yesterday she calls me early and wakes me up to tell me that there's been another argument and she's decided to have the locks changed - I felt like saying, "What is the f*cking point, you know you'll just give him a new key again in a few days anyway."
I'm not a nasty person by nature, and I do have trouble being assertive. At the same time, I have my own problems and have no energy or sympathy to waste on someone who refuses to help themselves.
How can I make a stand here and get her to leave me alone, before I completely lose my temper and start saying things I'm going to regret? As the title says, is there polite way to basically say to someone: 'If you want to be with this person, in this relationship, then just get on with it. It's not my problem and I don't care about your latest drama.'?
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"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
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posted: 07/27/12 at 2:39 PM
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I have a friend who's been crying for the same old thing for 5-6 years. He's a monster, she cries all the time, she can't deal with it anymore but won't do anything about it.
When I tell her to leave him she replies she cannot she's too afraid of being alone or she answers she can't control it she loves him. I reply back: Well sweetie endure then.
When her and I talk, if she starts talking about what he's done to her lately I don't comment at all and continue talking about something else. If she insists then I say: You are in this situation because you have not hurt enough yet to learn your lesson. When you really want to do something about it, when you are ready to move on I will be here every step of the way for you but till then I have nothing to add to what I said already, now how was your daughther's trip to Europe?!
What I find interesting in my friend is that even though she deals with cheating, lying, name calling, stalking, back stabbing, police calling, name it! Even though she herself deals and accepts this she will be extremely judgemental and without mercy toward my romantic relationship. If she asks me about my evening with Will and I say it was cancelled because he had to work overtime she'll right away say something like leave him!.
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posted: 07/27/12 at 6:31 PM
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I am so sorry for your plight because while you probably want to be supportive of your aunt you need to take care of yourself. So the thing is, you can't do anything about her and him. She gets some kind of pay off for being with him and the number of times you can haul a person away from their abuser- they will go running back. So the best thing to do, is to see if you wanna help her? so your life won't be having to play therapist early mornings and late nights.
I would stop answering the phone every morning- answer it every other morning and then every third morning- LET her know you have a life- Don't be available- You will still be taking her calls but on your terms-
It can be soul destroying to get between an alcoholic and another alcoholic or addict.Chances are sooner or later one of them will die -I don't say this to be harsh but that process takes a lot longer than most of us have the patience to wait around for- We end up the ones frustrated and saddened by their bad behaviour (call it a disease or bad behaviour) I sometimes take umbrage at people who are addicts, when I have a disease that doesn't go away, my ms is here to stay and I did nothing to promote it....
I think if you hold a family intervention with your aunt- you can do this with the help of a councellor or just you and whomever still cares and let her know what the consequences are if she doesn't get help then and there- Take her to an AA meeting- one where she can see how people who stop long enough to put down the bottle, can and do have great lives and can and do repair the broken relationships they created.
If she is isn't interested in any of those thngs, be assertive and tell her as much as you have 'loved' or 'like her' you can no longer hear her in pain- how it affects you and how you already know how this story ends -and you want her to be a change in her own life- Offer her support if she does make the change otherwise for your own sanity cut her out-
You can do it gradually- if she is on email, send her an email that youv'e had a hard day and are going to bed early so will talk in a day or two-this gives you a distance and she will have to turn somewhere else- in a day or two have a very short conversation with her- She is using you and you need to set the pace of when you have the time to talk (if you are going to continue to have her in your life.)
Send another email and pace it again- long days at work-arrange to meet for lunch days ahead so the space is becoming greater and greater ...say on on the Friday, as so busy on projects/work whatever.
What I would do is, space the time between phone calls and space it with regard of not being rude or hurting her feelings- she has to learn that other people have lives and within a short time, I guarantee that she will have found a new ear to drag down....
Failing all that just send her an email and be brutally honest-
Last edited by jenniferj on 07/28/12 at 2:25 AM
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posted: 07/28/12 at 2:13 AM
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Dude, I know what you are going through. I use to know this chick that was in a shitty relationship, but she would never leave. He even called her fat and ugly right to her face in front of everyone and yet she always stays. Every time we talked to her, it was a new thing and every time we told her "Why don't you just leave then?" She replies "But I love him."
e_e oy vey...
She may stay with him because she believes he is all she deserves and she can't get anyone better. He accepts her for who she is....an alcoholic [and what I mean by "accepts her" I mean he hasnt left her yet]. In order for her to get out of this, she has to sober up for good and get confidence in herself.
I think in general you should stop taking her calls at times that are too early or late for you. Turn your ringer off. If your phone is your alarm clock, but a cheap alarm clock so you dont have to pick up her calls.
If she manages to catch you and ask why have you not been answering, just tell her "I think its rude you feel you can call me at any hour of the day to bitch about your boyfriend and expect me to be supportive of it. I rather you handle it or get out of the relationship. I can't support your abusive cycle with him anymore. Please do not call me again if you are going to talk about him."
Sometimes you need to be a bit blunt and to the point. You may alienate her...but it has to be done. There is no nice way of saying it, sometimes you got to be very direct [not bitchy], just direct with her.
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posted: 07/28/12 at 2:21 AM
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I like Gail's answer. I had to do that exact thing to a good friend of mine. She had a NSA relationship with a really young guy, and all she did was complain about how he never called, canceled suddenly, only wanted to meet her at a whim, etc.
I said, you know what I think, so stop asking me because I'm not going to repeat myself over and over.
Be gentle, but set some boundaries. Firm ones.
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Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another
~My opinions change with new information.~
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Re: Is there a good way to tell someone 'I really just don't care'? posted: 07/28/12 at 5:39 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by brokenstar85
I'll be blunt: I seriously don't understand why people enter relationships, and then proceed to complain, whine or over-anaylse every single thing about their partners. Perhaps this is too simple, but my attitude is that we are all adults. If someone is basically unhappy with their partner, they can stay or they can leave.
This is something i dont understand too but i guess i dont really have to anyway.
I think there are many reasons why people stick with an "unhappy" relationships and it is also much easier to tell others to break up, move on,etc.. but when situation happen to them, it is too hard to let go.That is why we often hear people telling others to move on, break up but they can never end theirs.
For me, when my friends come to me to complain about their husbands/boyfriends/lovers, other problems etc..i do my best to listen to them and give them my honest advise without judging and i try my best not to use nasty words to hurt their feelings too but I am also a straight-forward person who speaks my mind. Im just not the type who say things i dont actually mean or sucking up at anyone.
People who really understand me knows that i dont like repeating myself..I will say it once, i will say it twice and sometime i even say it thrice but after that, i dont repeat anymore.. if it gets it, it gets in..if it doesnt..nevermind.
Personally, i think these people already have an answer in their mind about their relationship so it doesnt matter what you say bcos they will still insist their way. I know bcos some of my friends are not truly happy in their relationship, they often call me up and start crying for hours or hurt themselves physically but they still stay on to the relationship because they are afraid to be alone, they dont want to start afresh, they are worried that they may never find another guy and the list go on...
I dont really have the best polite way to tell my friends, i just tell them.."Do what you feel is right (for you)"
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posted: 07/30/12 at 1:20 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Gail65
I have a friend who's been crying for the same old thing for 5-6 years. He's a monster, she cries all the time, she can't deal with it anymore but won't do anything about it.
When I tell her to leave him she replies she cannot she's too afraid of being alone or she answers she can't control it she loves him. I reply back: Well sweetie endure then.
When her and I talk, if she starts talking about what he's done to her lately I don't comment at all and continue talking about something else. If she insists then I say: You are in this situation because you have not hurt enough yet to learn your lesson. When you really want to do something about it, when you are ready to move on I will be here every step of the way for you but till then I have nothing to add to what I said already, now how was your daughther's trip to Europe?!
What I find interesting in my friend is that even though she deals with cheating, lying, name calling, stalking, back stabbing, police calling, name it! Even though she herself deals and accepts this she will be extremely judgemental and without mercy toward my romantic relationship. If she asks me about my evening with Will and I say it was cancelled because he had to work overtime she'll right away say something like leave him!.
This sounds a lot like my relationship with my sister. I will try to use some of the responses you use with your friend because I am at my wits end with my sister. She still believes that I hate her boyfriend but the truth is, I don't. He is who he is, my feelings for him are pretty vacant. It is she that I am disappointed in because she stays in her dramatic relationship, knows better, and endlessly complains about it.
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posted: 07/30/12 at 7:53 AM
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There's nothing else to do but to be politely firm in your responses to her, how about telling her politely that you have nothing to say again...and not picking her calls again...with that, with time she will get it
Some people believe so much in this saying that 'the devil you know, is better than the angel you don't know' that explains why most people will prefer to stay with their current love no matter how unhappy they are in it...its just so unfortunate.
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One good turn deserves another.
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