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Family and money problems... posted: 07/13/12 at 8:29 PM
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I apologize in advance for such a long-winded post; to some extent, I think I just needed to vent a bit.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm 23, still living at home with my parents. I know this isn't an ideal situation, but I'm putting myself through college, and I only work part time (making barely more than minimum wage), so I don't exactly have the income to move out. After finishing high school, my parents worked with me to determine that if I paid certain bills every month, that would constitute my rent.
My parents have had money problems for as long as I can remember. We've always basically been living paycheck to paycheck. Honestly, I always feared that when I grew up, I'd be doomed to the same kind of life.
Over the last few years, my mom would constantly throw more bills my way, including a $700 repair cost they couldn't afford to pay (she promised to pay me back, but never did; later on, she came up with some rational that we were even for some reason I can't remember).
Late last year, my aunt (on my dad's side) passed away, and left me (and only me) a very very generous life insurance policy. My mom encouraged me to give a small portion of it to she and my dad, since it was my dad's sister, and he didn't receive anything. I agreed. Then, when she found out I was getting more than I originally expected, she pretty much wore me down into giving them more than I originally agreed to give them. In total, I ended up giving them $14,000 from this amount of money.
That was about 5-6 months ago. Recently, my mom found out she needs eye surgery soon, or else she's going to (apparently) go blind by the end of the year. So, for the last week or two, she's been begging me to pay for her surgery (which according to her estimates is going to be between $5000-10000) because they apparently have no money.
On one hand, I feel bad, because this is actually a fairly serious issue. On the other hand... Well, I gave them $14000 six months ago. I just don't understand how she can have no money. It makes no sense to me. Every time I ask her about it, she either says she doesn't know what happened with it, it upsets her, or she just says it's gone.
I just feel like I'm throwing all my money into a black hole. What about my future? What if I want to buy a house some day? What if I want to get married, and be able to pay for a nice wedding? What if I have kids, and want them to be able to grow up without having to worry about money problems, like I did?
But she keeps crying, calling my "greedy", "selfish", "stingy", accusing me of not caring that she's going to go blind, even going as far as accusing me of WANTING her to go blind.
It's so frustrating, because I just don't know what to do. I feel bad for not helping, but at the same time, I feel like this is a pattern. I feel like every other month, she's going to come up with some other money problem that she wants me to solve for her. She did this before I got this life insurance policy, but to a much less extent, since I didn't have much money to spare.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on for so long, I'm just at the end of my rope, here. I feel like no matter what I do, I lose. It's like a no win situation for me.
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posted: 07/13/12 at 8:52 PM
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Can't you just tell them you don't have it anymore?
I think you need to move out. You are right, they are going to pressure you into giving them more and more money until it's all gone and you have nothing to show for it. $14 grand is not a drop in the bucket. Do they use drugs or did they use that money to pay off debt? I hope they paid off debt! Are they not working? If I remember correctly they don't have health insurance?
Even if you rent a room in someone's house, that can't be more than a few hundred dollars plus utilities (you don't need cable and you can get free internet at so many places). Heck, I think you moving out would save you money because you wouldn't be giving your parents all your money.
You don't make a lot of money, there are places that allow people to live there relatively cheap by showing proof of income, when my husband and I were dating he lived at a place like that where he paid a very cheap amount for a small room. It was almost like a hotel with tiny rooms with their own keys and then a kitchen on the bottom floor and three bathrooms on each floor. If I remember correctly everything was included (water and electric and gas) for $300 a month. It worked for him. Might be something you could look into. I think until you leave it's not going to get any better.
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posted: 07/13/12 at 9:51 PM
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What do you do? Play the "I'm daef" role when they start in with the tears, the names, etc. 14K?? That boggles my mind. I would never DREAM of borrowing that much, and if my mom (bless her) wanted to give me money in that range, I would refuse. That's just too much.
Take what is left and invest it, or at the very least put it in a CU where there is no way she can find it. Then start looking for a place of your own. And fast.
As for her going blind without surgery, I would find out for yourself-from her doctor-exactly what she is going on about. They have needed SO much money (supposedly) and the 14K is gone that now she wants that much more-it's too coincidental. She probably wants another big chunk. I would pass. She's more than worn out her welcome.
Tell her the child Lending Bank of Prosperity is Closed. Permanently, due to her and your dad causing a run on the bank. Funds are finished.
Hang in there!
Poetman
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Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.
You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E
I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E
I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E
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posted: 07/13/12 at 9:57 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by banarabbyt1
Can't you just tell them you don't have it anymore?
Seems like a huge stretch, what would I have done with it? They're around me too much to believe I'd do something like that, anyway.
quote:
Originally posted by banarabbyt1
I think you need to move out. You are right, they are going to pressure you into giving them more and more money until it's all gone and you have nothing to show for it. $14 grand is not a drop in the bucket. Do they use drugs or did they use that money to pay off debt? I hope they paid off debt! Are they not working? If I remember correctly they don't have health insurance?
Nah, nothing like drugs or anything like that. My dad works full time (which is why I don't understand why my mom puts so much of the financial pressure on me, someone who only works part time and makes barely any money), and he has medical coverage through his job, but it doesn't cover his spouse. Like I said, I don't know what happened to the money, my mom won't really tell me anything. I think she once alluded to having paid off debts, but I don't recall. I know when I first got the money, she was urging me to use it all to pay off the house, so she may have dumped all of it into that, too.
Anyway, I've been looking up local apartments, and rent seems to hover around the $500-600 range (and I don't even know if that covers stuff like electricity, water, etc.), which surprises me, considering I don't exactly live in a high class area. $500-600 is out of my price range, honestly... I don't even think I make $400 in a month (not to mention the other bills I currently have). I'm wary of dipping into my life insurance money to pay for it, because I don't know how long it's going to take me to finish college and get a higher paying job, and I don't want to burn through all my money.
While it may seem like I'm making excuses, I really don't think I'd be comfortable living with someone else, so I'm not interested in a roommate. I have MAJOR trust and privacy issues with people, and I just don't think I'd feel comfortable in that kind of situation.
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posted: 07/13/12 at 10:10 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Poetman
What do you do? Play the "I'm daef" role when they start in with the tears, the names, etc. 14K?? That boggles my mind. I would never DREAM of borrowing that much, and if my mom (bless her) wanted to give me money in that range, I would refuse. That's just too much.
Well, for what it's worth, my dad never really talks to me about it. I don't think he keeps track of the family finances, I think that's all my mom. She's the one that always comes after me about it. I try to say my piece, and make my defense, but she never seems to care, she just goes into tears, accusations, and sometimes even ridiculous rationals (for example "It was fate that you got this money, so you could help us out!"). After I say my stuff, I just stay silent. What more can I say to her? How can I defend myself against her crazy rationale?
Not to mention, there are deeper issues at work, as well. I've always been, well... socially inept, so growing up, I was always very close with my mom. I've always been her little golden boy. But in the last few years, I've learned some very troubling things about her. I've learned that she's a huge liar and manipulator, I've even learned that she's been cheating on my dad for the last few years (she doesn't know I know about any of this). Hell, both her own and my dad's families hate her, and because I'm her son, I'm also an outcast from the families. I barely see my family anymore, and when I do, they want nothing to do with me.
In a way, I almost wish I could call her on all of this, but she has an easy out -- if I confronted her on all of this, she'd fake (or either force herself to have) a heart attack. She had heart issues a few years ago, and any time an argument between me and her starts to escalate, she always plays the "Stop! You're going to make me have to go to the hospital!" card. I just can't win against her.
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posted: 07/13/12 at 10:35 PM
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Tough situation. It's obvious your money is more important to her than you are. My mother would NEVER deprive me of something given to me in order to meet her own wishes.
Yes, I'd find out details about the diagnosis of her eye problem and whether or not surgery is needed, and will be successful....and how much it will cost. This may be where you have to suck it up one last time and tell her....OK, I'm going to pay for this surgery, but it's the last time I'm using my inheritance to pay for your expenses.
Good luck!
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"My mother used to tell me, 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." Ellwood P. Dowd in HARVEY
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posted: 07/13/12 at 10:42 PM
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Don't argue anymore, just say "no, I don't have it." If she asks where just don't answer anymore. But I really think you need to leave, which is the advice everyone gave you last time. If you had left then you wouldn't have lost the $14k you have given her now to rent and stuff, it sounds like you live pretty frugally as it is.
Do you have any friends or family that have a room for you to stay in? That way it's not someone you don't know?
I mean at some point you have to pull yourself out of your comfort zone, get a lock on your door wherever you move and keep it locked while you aren't home (or even home).
My sister lives in a house rented by four girls. Each girl has their own room and keeps to themselves. The only time they see each other is when they use the kitchen, my sister says the living room is always empty, and she's fine with staying in her room all the time. She also locks her room when she's gone, and she works full time and is gone most of the day. You go to school and work, how much would you be home?
If you aren't sure what is and is not included then ask, for where I live now, rent doesn't include, water, gas, electric, trash, or anything else. But when I used to rent a room from an old lady, rent included EVERYTHING and I paid like $600 a month. But I had my own room on one side of her house and she had her own room on the other side. We each had our own side of the fridge/freezer, and I had my own bathroom as well. It worked out fine because she worked long days and I rarely saw her.
Look around, check craigslist, ask people you know, I think you could find something ideal for you that you can afford if you really look hard. I mean if you were to find a room in some old lady's house would it really be that bad?
And also, I think you need to talk to your dad, sounds as if he might be unaware of the whole situation. Makes me wonder too if your mom might be doing something with the money your dad doesn't know about.
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posted: 07/14/12 at 12:24 AM
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I am joining the 'you need to move out' team.
My daughter lives with 2 room-mates, they have a big 3 bedroom apartment right downtown close to bus terminal and metro station. They all have their own tv and pc in their own room, they work on different shifts, they hardly see each other.
I would be very curious to know what kind of eye surgery will cost between 5k and 10K. My SIL just had an eye surgery in a private clinic and it cost her $2,500 (included both eyes). There is just so much you can do to an eye, it's not like replacing a knee I imagine!
If your father works then your parents can borrow the money for the surgery. They own a house? They then can borrow on the capital they paid on that house.
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posted: 07/14/12 at 4:06 AM
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This is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do, but you HAVE to stay strong against your mother's manipulation. More important than keeping your money, you have to set some boundaries.
Since your dad has an income, they can start a payment plan. She has options. She will be fine. You need to focus on you.
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posted: 07/14/12 at 7:25 AM
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I am joining the 'you need to move out' team.
Me too.
Growing up, I can tell you my parents are almost the same. I'd say almost. I came to conclusion that there's not amount of money that I give them that it would be enough that's why when I married my husband,I didn't want to start a 'tradition' or something. A lot of people from my countries would send home money to their parents even though it means they take the money from their husband. Not me. I refuse to do it. My dad,at one point told me if I send home $5000 it would be more than enough. They see it as the road here is paved by gold or some sh1t. My husband doesn't even make that much a month. so I just never send home money and in the eye of my parents,I am a terrible daughter. I don't know how many times my siblings have told me that my dad compared me to his friend's kid or said how I am as good as I am dead. meaning I don't contribute anything. But in my eyes,I've done enough.
I paid my own English tuition for a year when I was still in high school. when I was in college,I worked while going to college so they didn't have to send me money every month for a while. After I graduated,they helped to pay for my rent for maybe few months till I got settled down with my jobs then I started to pay for everything myself. I basically removed myself from a situation where they'd ask for more and more and more.
My friend's mom is the same way. My friend has been married for over 4 years and every time her mom calls,the first thing she asks is when the money is gonna arrive. and no matter how much my friend sends,the mother would say how it's not enough. She used to give her mother's money all the time when she asked but now she's married,have kid, and another kid on the way. Just like you said,what about your life? and now she realizes that her mother just doesn't care about how the rests of her kids gonna live. My parents have gotten a lot better throughout the years. They have too much pride to ASK so they 'hint' so I guess I still get lucky that way.
Some parents can be very selfish imo. My grandfather,he is lucky that his kids are making very good money now but few years ago when he started to get sick and have to start doing dialysis where it costs over a thousand dollars a week, he started talking how he MUST travel to here and there before he died or he would never die in peace. that's just so manipulative imo. my uncle had to put his house as collateral in the bank just so he could pay for the trip and the medical bills and on top of that,he has two children. I had to wonder,did it ever occur to my grandfather how my uncle and his family gonna live when he's gone?coz the living has to keep living when the dying one gone. My sister said I am so gonna go to hell for saying that but I told her it's true. It's WRONG to care about YOURSELF when you are dying and leave mountain of debts for your children to take care of.
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To the question of u'r life, u r the only answer. To the problems of u'r life, u r the only solution.
Nobody is perfect and I am nobody. That's why, i am perfect.
Last edited by Riri Kyusai on 07/14/12 at 7:40 AM
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