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Doubtful about meeting him!  posted: 06/25/12 at 2:33 AM
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Hi there 
Firstly, I'm 21 and have been speaking to a 28 year old guy online for over a year now, although feelings towards each other probably weren't clear until a few months later. I live in the UK and he lives in Poland, we met through an online game (WoW of course haha). We still haven't met yet due to his demanding job and me wanting to concentrate hard in college, but I'm now finished for summer and he is able to get time off work to visit now, yay! He really is an amazing guy, there is nothing 'dodgy' about him. He tells me everything about his busy days at work, he's quite chilled out, is passionate and caring about everything he does and most importantly he is almost like a best friend to me.
My only problem now is that we WILL be meeting soon, and it will all be real instead of referring it to something based only online. I have no problem with this, but my problem is that I am really worried he may not like me as much in person. You know... you can really fall for someone through speaking online or on the phone and seeing images on your Skype profile, but it's just totally different when finally getting to meet each other right?
I'm not very confident with how I look. I'm a little chubby after losing 4st/54lbs, terrible stretchmarks that are probably on like 30% of my body, and I have terrible problems with confidence in my body image, although most of the time I can put it behind me. He on the other hand is very active. He breakdances, exercises sort of regularly, is quite good looking.. etc! And to add to it all, his ex of 5 years was a gymnast... yikes!
All of this just makes me really not want to meet him, but instead just cut off all communication and let him find someone he really deserves and wants. He likes girls that are 'petite' in size, naturally pretty and their body in shape, but I really have none of these attributes... all I can say is I'm okay with my looks. I tell him this every now and then which always ends up with me being very upset and saying things I regret.
He always says nothing can be done until we meet, and that he genuinely likes me for who I am, that he doesn't care much about my body type and most of all doesn't believe that I have a horrible body like I describe... which is even worse since he probably thinks I have a great body!! 
I just don't know what to do, I'm extremely scared that he won't like what he sees and just wants to remain friends. Has anyone else ever had this problem online or in person? I really just can't get it off my mind anymore and it's really starting to effect me and our conversations everyday.
and wow, SO SORRY, this ended up being much longer than I had expected!
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posted: 06/25/12 at 4:52 AM
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Ah, the first meet worries! We all go through them and usually, they wind up being a what-was-I-worried-for experience.
Your body image concerns though. I am overweight myself, and am working on losing it. I could really stand to lose about 100 pounds, but I'm shooting at 50 for a start. At any rate, have you two exchanged pictures? As in, recent and not brushed up photos? I hope so, since you have known him a year. If not, do so right away.
Is he coming to see you? For how long? Make sure you have things to do that involve getting out of the house. A tour of the UK area you live in. When you are out doing stuff, the body won't matter so much.
Don't try to have sex the first day, if it happens so be it but don't make it a top priority-get to know each other in person a bit first. Then it won't matter, you'll just want to be closer to him.
As far as presenting yourselfs accurately, don't worry about the stretch marks. Instead, be proud of the weight you lost! That is something to beam about! The stretch marks are your purple hearts of combat and victory. There are also creams out there than can fade them for you, if they bother you too much.
You'll be fine, enjoy the anticipation!
Poetman
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Rodger Swan 12/19/1986-1/26/2010 Gone too soon, remembered forever. R.I.P my friend.
You have everything that I have to give; it is the only way that Love truly exists. You and I are each One, and we are both One~E
I cannot be accurately judged by the meat and bone wrapped around me - its features were not my choice.~E
I Love you. Love Me as I Love you, you are Me. you are not me; only here are we we, separate rather than Me, One.~E
Last edited by Poetman on 07/15/12 at 7:19 PM
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posted: 06/25/12 at 6:47 AM
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Do you guys video chat using webcam? if he has seen you other than pictures and newest picture with whole body shoot,he'd have an idea about your body image.
My husband is over 200 pounds,6'4" when he flew to meet me first time and on top of that,I made a comment how he was way too big for me when we were still friends.
Still married to the dude yo. been over 8 years. and mind you,I am 5'1" ,98 pounds. That being said, he had so many of my pictures like probably over 80 of them before we even met and we even saw each other in webcam. I got on cam when I just woke up,took pictures without make up,full body pictures,etc. so he'd have an idea that I am super short and at that time was way too skinny. around 80 pounds.
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To the question of u'r life, u r the only answer. To the problems of u'r life, u r the only solution.
Nobody is perfect and I am nobody. That's why, i am perfect.
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posted: 06/25/12 at 12:43 PM
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Do you two have a webcam? Have you Skyped? Just as long as both of you have been honest about your appearances and have seen each other accurately, then I wouldn't worry. He likes you for you, and he's willing to travel to meet you. That is something special right there!
And you lost all that weight? That is fantastic! You really should be proud of getting more fit, and I am sure that is an attractive quality he sees in you. Believe him when he says your body type doesn't matter. Guys love all sorts of shapes and sizes. The most important thing is who that body belongs to, and he likes you.
Also, it's totally normal to be nervous as hell before meeting. It can be a bit awkward. My guy and I were a little unsure how to interact with each other physically at first since that was a new thing for us to share. Just laugh at the jitters and have fun. Don't have any pressures or expectations as to what the meeting has to look like or how involved you'll get. Just go with what feels comfortable for both of you. Good luck!
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posted: 06/25/12 at 9:09 PM
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Hi guys, thanks for the advice so far, all great!
As for the webcamming and such, I've always been a bit too shy to go on it, but he doesn't have one so I'd feel more comfortable when we both have one rather than me being on it on my own. And as for the sex on the first night, Poetman, we both know that it shouldn't really happen on the first night, but there's no saying what the mood will be like on the first evening, haha!
He has seen 'body shots' of me, in fact, I run my own weight loss blog and I sometimes post pictures of my body wearing just my underwear so I can see differences on my stomach, etc, which he saw. And this was around 2 months ago since he saw them. The only problem is that these pictures 'cancel out' my really bad stretch marks and cellulite because of the poor quality.
I don't know. He admits to prefering 'mini/petite' natually beautiful girls, which I'm most definitely not. I'm just afraid of being rejected or 'friendzoned' after meeting if he doesn't like what he sees in front of him. I feel as if there has to be a guarantee that he will like me before we meet so I know I won't be heartbroken. I've told him all this, but I'm still always very doubtful about it all despite his efforts of trying to calm me down.
Arrgghhh :'(
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posted: 06/26/12 at 2:37 AM
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. I feel as if there has to be a guarantee that he will like me before we meet so I know I won't be heartbroken
there's no guarantee for that,I can tell you now. A LOT of the times ,it has NOTHING to do with the physical appearance. I've been here long enough and know plenty of people who walked to the meet ,had been so much in love with each other, had seen each other on cam a lot and at the end,still didn't work out. There was a couple ,a regular poster that used to post here that had been with her someone for THREE YEARS before they met and when they met up,they both didn't feel that 'connection'. that 'spark' ,so they parted ways. Most online relationships I know after the met ended because one of the other partner had NEVER been in long distance relationship and when they finally met and flew back home,they just realized how far they were with each other,how much it would cost to meet,how long it would take to be together,how much it would even cost to be together ,in short, reality kicked in and they couldn't do it. The only one that didn't work out because of appearance was because they've sent old pictures to each other and they looked a lot different.
You can say you love him now but I can tell you that until you meet,you can't really guarantee you will STILL love him. You can fall for someone before the meet but to see if it's just falling for the fantasy that you create or falling for him for real,you have to meet.
My husband is not the first guy I met. In fact ,he was like the third guy I've met in person and I dunno how many ex online bfs I had before him. The first guy that flew to meet me,I liked him a lot but he sent me an older picture of him. like a lot older. so when I saw him,he looked NOTHING like his picture. it's like 10 years old picture..so it's like a different person on top of that, he was so different online and in person. like online,he was nice to talk to,in person,he bored me with his religion and politics.
I can tell you this, of all the things you both are gonna face for this relationship to work out, your first meet would be the LEAST stressful meaning,just have fun. save those 'nervous' or 'worried' energy for something else in the future because if your relationship is like mine where the fate of you being together is on the hand of the immigration,
you're gonna need to have something very 'memorable' to keep you going. which one of them could be your first meet.
so just have fun and be yourself. I told myself before I met my husband "if he likes me ,great.if he doesn't,life goes on". we even talked about what we'd do if we didn't like one another like if the feeling changed after we met for whatever reasons.
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To the question of u'r life, u r the only answer. To the problems of u'r life, u r the only solution.
Nobody is perfect and I am nobody. That's why, i am perfect.
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posted: 06/26/12 at 6:15 PM
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Oh no I'm absolutely clear and aware that there's no guarantee he will like me when we meet, it's just come to a point where I'm starting to think that I'd rather not meet him and risk getting my heart broken if he doesn't.
And in my head the only thing that can make me stop worrying (other than meeting up and him actually liking me in person) is that there would be this guarantee that he does... but that is impossible to say of course.
I don't love him either, we both agree we can't find it possible to fall in love until we know each other in person, but we both care about each other an absolutely enormous amount. I've really never liked someone so much as them being such an amazing friend to me before.
I make it sound as if I have something massive to hide. But all it is that I believe he is way out of my league. He could have someone in the same country and so much better looking than I am, and he may realize this when we meet up soon.
I either don't meet him and wonder what could've happened and save myself being hurt.... or meet and risk my heart being broken. I've had a bad past with men, so I don't think I can handle the rejection once more.
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posted: 07/06/12 at 2:52 PM
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Either way- if you don't meet it will stay a fantasy and if you do meet then there is a chance it can fizzle BUT there is also a chance that he if you don't point it out to him .......he can see beyond some cellulite and fatty tissue.
You have done a lot of work on yourself (congratulations!!)and at what point are you going to be good enough. I don't understand if, the person he was writing to and falling for, is, the person you have presented and is the person you are-what then, isn't good enough. He likes that you.
Only you can decide. But when I was involved and it was my first time online, a coupe of years ago- writing to someone (the story is on here somewhere if you are interested) I was very slow to fall in love with this man- he was a diplomat/writer like my sister so I didn't feel inadequate there but he had told me during a conversation close to meeting that he had always and only dated short women-I felt like throwing in the towel right there and then-It caused me unbearable grief- I am 5'9
I had only had one other relationship since my divorce 10 years previous and here was this man who was all the things I felt drawn to- his work and his passion and he had a little girl whom he coparented- made spaces in his life for her and was soooo involved with her life daily- not just a father on the edge of her life-I loved that-
He was 60 and I am in my 50s so we were, one would think, mature enough to know what we wanted- he 'felll in love' with me- so what could go wrong-
I won't bore you but the heartbreak has taken a good two years to let it all go-
Life is so unpredictable and love or the possibility of it can be scary and all that Riri said is so true and she was one of my lifesavers- helped me pick up the pieces after the event (I wasn't on here before) and one other person said on here as I read through the posts for someone else "if you have sex with a person on the first meet, only do it without an attachment to the outcome- because, if the relationship isn't what you think it can be and you are attached to the outcome, you will be so heartbroken (I was) you will feel more betrayed than by having a cup of tea or glass of wine and regrouping next day- see how you feel- Don't rush into anything-Actually good advice was to meet and not even speak about your love but come home after that meet and wait and see exactly how you feel.
Also realize that he, is not with Ms Skinny but WANTS to be with you- so whatever happened there-it is over-
Work on yourself as you have been doing and if we can be supportive in any way then use that too to help you-Don't give up on the possibility of love over whatever way you view your body- Easier said than done....I know.
Be positive.... meaning you don't need a body pasted with post it arrows pointing to your real or imagined flaws- That's not who you are- Don't let it be your calling card.
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posted: 07/06/12 at 3:31 PM
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Amazing advice jenniferj, thank you!
Your first online relationship sounds a little similar to mine. I do feel that I've fallen for him faster than he has to me. He is only 28 but very wise and seems to REALLY take his time with getting to know me. I mean, it's been over a year since we admitted something 'was there' and have spoken to each other almost everyday since then, but he still says he wants to get to know me more, which I totally agree and I feel that this curiosity in each other is what drives us further. He is passionate about the things he does, cares about plenty of people and is determined in getting somewhere in life. He tries to see this in me too and I believe it's what has made him like me so much, as well as just generally enjoying each others 'company'.
I also totally understand and agree with what all of you have said, that life is unpredictable and things can change, I've experienced this in an unfortunate way in the past. One of them was discovering throughout my two-year relationship with someone, he had been cheating since day one. The other was that he lost interest in me, didn't feel that 'spark' anymore, although I was still crazy about him. My father was also very unfaithful to my mother ever since I can remember, so this hasn't exactly helped I guess haha!
I take rejection/loss in trust quite badly when it comes to relationships, and I guess I'm letting my past experiences influence what I think might happen with me and him now. I will just have to grin and bare this feeling until we meet soon. If he doesn't like me after this, then I just hope that me starting University in September will be enough to distract myself from it all.
Thanks again, you're all lovely!
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posted: 07/06/12 at 5:16 PM
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Well no wonder he loves you!! You write with such caring and depth for someone so young-sorry I don't mean you are 'so' young but wish I had your insight going into my meeting. I think all around your feelings are grounded by common sense and while mine didn't work-I do have a friendship out of it (lol) a very at the beginning reluctant friendship...God who wants a friend card handed to them? last thing I wanted was a friend (sigh)lol
Keep us posted along the way- I hope love blooms for both of you.
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