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Dealing with my boyfriend's mother  posted: 04/13/12 at 7:04 PM
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Now to fully understand this situation I have to talk about how I was with the family before they hated me. I got along with my boyfriend's mom very well. I absolutely loved her as my own mom. My boyfriend's brother & I were very close as well. I thought completely highly of him & whenever he needed some advice or someone to vent to, I was always there. I may not be married into my boyfriend's family, but I considered them to be my family. They were a huge part of my life.
The problems started when I was living with my boyfriend & his brother. I was paying around $250 for utilities every month(not including rent) but once his brother started dating a single mother, my boyfriend & I noticed that utilities had rose to $450-500 a month. When I asked to see the bills, the bother refused & would dodge me at every turn. My boyfriend opened some bills one day & saw that the bills were not being paid & when he talked to his brother, the stated that he fell behind but will caught up within the next few months. Now I was upset by this because the money that we were giving him was going to his new girlfriend & her child. Now I think its great that his brother is helping out a single mother but not when it comes to me paying higher bills.
A month later, the bills were even higher & he stated that we owed $191.91 per person for the Electric bill. I was outraged & asked to see the bill. Like usual he said he threw it away & doesn't have it. One morning I was cleaning up the kitchen & I found the bill. Now if all 3 of us had to pay $191.91 the total amount on the bill would be around $575, however, the total for the bill was $383. which means that he is making me & my boyfriend pay the bill so he has more spending cash. I showed my boyfriend. We both were mad but my boyfriend didn't want to start any problems so he decided to not cause a fight about it. As for me, I moved out that day & refused to pay the amount until his brother can talk to me about how the bills were disbursed. He brother refused to talk to me and kicked me out of his house permanently. I now live with two of my friends and its getting so much harder to see my boyfriend since he is always at his brother’s house working on cars.
After upsetting his brother, he started to accuse me of cheating on my boyfriend with my close guy friend. I am completely honest with my boyfriend with every guy I know, talk to, or have dated, so he knows he doesn't have to worry. I am grateful that my boyfriend trusts me so well. A few weeks later, his brother got a mutual friend of ours to write on my Facebook wall & again accuse me of cheating with this friend. I was sleeping when I got a phone call from my boyfriend stating that I need to look on my Facebook. As I went on there I saw that my friend that was being accused of cheating with me had blown up on my boyfriend's brother. He made a harsh statement about how he is just trying to get me & my boyfriend to break up because he is jealous of our relationship & has other insecurities about his relationship with his new girlfriend so he is pushing it on someone else. Now keep in mind, I did not talk to my friend to tell him to reply nor did I even know what was going on. I was sleeping when all of this was going on. Upon seeing the comments though, I deleted them. However I found out it was too late.
My boyfriend's mom had called him & told him what she saw. According to my boyfriend, she told him that I am being cut out of the family's life. She wants nothing to do with me & I will no longer be invited to family events, such as holidays. He got very upset & told her to stay out if this & its none of her concern. That upset her more. She deleted & blocked me on Facebook & got the rest of his family to do the same.
For awhile now, my boyfriend had decided to buy his own house & move out of his brother's house. He wanted us to move in together & we both decided to start fresh & move forward. We have talked about his family & how to handle it & he doesn't want to get involved & I don't know how to handle or solve the issues when I don’t even understand what I did wrong. He doesn't want to pick between his family & me & I agreed. I don’t want him to choose but as our moving date is getting closer, his mom is causing drama to get us to break up. For example, she won’t come to the house whenever I am there, she is telling my boyfriend to not let me buy anything for the house because we will break up in the future & take everything with, & demanding that my boyfriend give her a key to the house so she can do whatever she wants & ignore my ideas for the house (such as painting, decor, & landscaping).
My boyfriend & I have been fighting about this & we almost broke up to make his family happy. I have been with him for 2 1/2 years & I love him & I don’t want to lose him. He is 29 years old and his mother treats him like he is 13. I am getting really sick of it. We are both in high stress due all of this drama but have decided to stick it out and stay together and see what happens in the future. I also worry because he is drinking A LOT more. With both of us having such high values towards family, its getting harder for us to stay together. I have asked him how he wants me to handle it & he still is lost for words. How do I fix this problem so everyone is fine?
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posted: 04/13/12 at 8:16 PM
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You don't fix this problem b/c you didn't cause it.
If your BF wants to preserve your relationship, he needs to call a family meeting with at least you & his mom. He -- not you -- needs to explain to his mother that you were not cheating on him & that he trusts you completely.
Neither of you can throw the brother under the bus to the mother.
BF also needs to confront his brother, without you there. BF needs to explain that he is willing to let the bills go but that the brother can't make accusations about your fidelity & that has to stop. In order for this to work, you too must be willing to never mention the bills again. You should not get involved with the brother's finances again ever though; he sounds unethical.
For this to work, your BF has to be willing to stand up to his family & cut them off to be with you if they don't listen to reason. If BF is not willing to go that far, your relationship is over.
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